Recently I attended an interfaith worship service on top of Stone Mountain.  It almost killed me to climb to the peak, but I did it!  I tried to get some of my fellow church members to go with me, but they countered that it would be too cold, or the journey up the mountain was too arduous, etc.  Well, I somehow convinced my 17-year-old daughter, Krystal, to go with me.  I remembered climbing Stone Mountain about 10 years ago, and recalled it was fairly easy.  However, this journey was a different story!  The mountain is less than 2,000 feet high, and the trail appears to be a gentle ascent.  However, it did not take long to find me out of breath and needing to rest.  Krystal just laughed, and waited.  After about a half-dozen rest stops, I was wavering about continuing.  I had just about decided to worship my Lord while leaning against a pine tree, 1/3 of the way up the mountain.  But, I was inspired to keep going.  This angel of inspiration I remember very well.  She was large, very large, and she lumbered deliberately up the trail.  Several times I passed her, and thought she was never going to make it.  She was breathing heavily, puffing somewhat like the “little engine that could”.  She was perspiring, and I truly felt compassion for her.  Every time I stopped to rest and consider quitting, she would pass around me.  We did not speak- she was too busy just surviving.  But she did not quit.  She kept her eyes up ahead, and just kept going.  When I finally got to the top, she was there- I recall she was leaned against a boulder, eyes glazy, motionless- but I am pretty sure she was breathing.  She made it; and, she was my inspiration!

I do not remember much about the actual worship service at the top of the mountain.  By that time I was hyperventilating – well, almost.  I didn’t want to sit down, because I knew I would have difficulty arising.  And, the wind was blowing; I think the wind always blows up there.  It was cold.  And, it was raining.  The preacher was a lady, and I think her message was interesting, but what I truly remember is that she wore a neon-blue suit.  It was really shiny, almost mesmerizing.  And, she spoke of the resurrection of Christ.  I went back down the mountain, drenched and tired and the object of good-natured jesting by my daughter.  We stopped for breakfast.  It was fun.  And, climbing a mountain for a daybreak worship service will probably be a once-in-a-lifetime event for me.

I wonder if that nameless lady, my source of inspiration, is still sitting up there- leaned against a boulder, commemorating her victorious march up Stone Mountain?

LIFE HAS A HIGHER PURPOSE THAN MY AFFIRMATION, ANYHOW!

As Julie was continuing in her journey of life, I continued to fervently pray for her healing.  I believed quite strongly that God would heal her condition, and that her miracle would be directly connected to my prayers.  Thus I spent hours interceding on her behalf.  I traveled to a friend’s lake house to spend days in fasting and prayer.  I asked my church to commit to similar urgency, and almost 50 people became prayer partners.  I found scriptures of comfort, and claimed their promises, as do many other Christians.  I discovered that thousands of believers across the world were enlisted in this army of prayer warriors.  Still, her condition worsened, and I considered it a challenge to be even more diligent with intercession.

So often when I would tell others of Julie’s critical condition, I would see in their eyes and hear in their voices that they saw no hope.  Some were Christians like myself, but they just did not believe.  Once I told a close relative of her rapid decline.  This person, with resign and conviction, just stated that Julie was going to die.  She was a nominal Christian.  She had seen many others lose such battles.  She did not bother to argue matters of faith or God’s power.  She just knew, sadly, that Julie would die.  I became angry at her, and challenged her to just watch and see what God was going to do.  I stated resolutely that God would heal her.  I made this statement of faith with many others.  Then, a few months later, I had very little to say about faith.  I was forced to face all those who were inspired, challenged, and even threatened by my belief.  I had lost, and the faithless had won.

Life does not always beat-up my faith like this.  I have seen people recover from conditions as grave as that of Julie.  I have seen miracles, and felt affirmed that God used my prayers in such matters.  But not in this case.  And with this defeat came a shift in my understanding of God.  I started to preach and teach “safe” issues of faith.  My prayer life became dull.  I ceased to do or say anything with boldness concerning God.  And, interestingly, as I started to play it safe with my spirituality, I began to see God as anything but safe.  He became, to me, like a wild animal one just cannot trust.  A bear or lion, in the circus or zoo, looks so attractive and fun.  And tame.  But, I know that deep inside, he is still dangerous.  Even now, God continues to be that way with me.  He’s attractive. But I know He is dangerous, and I know He is not tamed by me.

I’ve preached for many years that faith is an essential part of Christianity.  Only after Julie’s death have I begun to fathom this truth.  I’m learning.  God is not overly interested in my understanding of His ways.  And, even less is He interested in affirming my faith to others.  I felt let down by God.  I stepped out on a limb for Him; why didn’t He work a miracle to make me look good?  But, I guess God just does not care what people think about my spiritual batting average.  I notice, in the scriptures, that Jesus seldom stands around and argues with those who disagree with Him.  He does not twist one’s arm and force him to follow.  Instead, the Jesus of the scriptures freely allows those who disagree with Him to walk away.  And I think He would allow me, in my anger over Julie’s death, to walk away. 

There is no answer for Julie’s death that satisfies me.  I believe God had a plan for her that involved only 20 years on this earth, and then cancer…and then heaven. I believe eternal life is the great equalizer for all the unfair things of this life, and in that truth I find some comfort.  And I believe we are placed here to glorify the Creator, much as the work of art is to honor the artist.  So I can, with dim and incomplete clarity, understand just a little.  But, not enough understanding to bring satisfaction.

And, life has a higher purpose than my satisfaction.  God is much too wild, and unsafe, and unpredictable for me.  But I love Him.  And, as contradictory as it sounds, I trust Him.

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I will continue to share "Life-Lessons From Julie" with future posts, coming soon. 

A few quotations that have caused me to stop and think:

“The easiest person to deceive is one's self.”
- - - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton "The Disowned" 1828

“When my love swears that she is made of truth,

I do believe her,

Though I know she lies.” – Shakespeare

Sometimes our problem with the truth is that we do not want to make a search.  We become comfortable and happy with half-truths and even lies.  The search is difficult.  It takes time.  And, the search is dangerous, because we are challenged to be open with what we find.  Oftentimes I would rather fortify what I currently believe than be open to the truth when it may change what I believe.  This is true for the Christian and the Atheist.  Right?

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“It is sad when a person has a head like a doorknob- anybody can turn it.” – Anon

Perhaps this is referring to the husband or boyfriend who tends to let his eyes wander?  I remember one time my wife said, “I noticed you looking, and boy is that going to cost you.”  I think it also refers to the individual who has little grounding in who he is or what he believes.  Sometimes these folk wander into the church to stay around for a few weeks, only to take off and never be seen again.  I generally respect someone who is “checking out” the Christian message.  For some it is but the latest fad in an ongoing lifestyle.  Jesus admonishes us to “count the costs” before making a commitment to a task.  He also teaches that we must put our hands to the plow and keep moving forward.  I understand Christianity not to be a hobby, but to be the great commitment of life.

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“You sound more informed than most U.S. Congress-people, so maybe you should run (for Congress).” – Hardball host Chris Matthews commenting to Cindy Sheehan

“Since her first meeting with the president, she has called him a ‘lying bastard,’ ‘filth-spewer,’ ‘evil maniac,’ ‘fuehrer’ and the world’s ‘biggest terrorist’ who is committing ‘blatant genocide’ and ‘waging a nuclear war’ in Iraq…Sheehan is symptomatic of something that in 2008 could cause the Democratic Party a sixth loss in eight presidential elections.  That something is a shrillness unlike anything heard, in living memory, from a major tendency within a major party.” – Columnist George Will

When must someone, who is grieving and angry, become accountable for her words and actions?  One has a right to grieve.  Does that same person have a right to defame another with a personal vendetta and unrelenting mean spirit?  Somewhere along the way character must take hold.  Perhaps, with Ms. Sheehan, she is revealing a lack of character.  I wonder if the grief is no longer her motivating factor.  Maybe she is being sadly manipulated, or maybe she is drunk with the notoriety.  I just know she makes me to feel sorry for her.  Thus, she seems to be in the saddest of position in life.