An admirer once asked Leonard Bernstein, celebrated orchestra conductor, what was the hardest instrument to play. He replied without hesitation: "Second fiddle. I can always get plenty of first violinists, but to find one who plays second violin with as much enthusiasm or second French horn or second flute, now that's a problem. And yet if no one plays second, we have no harmony." (Source: James S. Hewett, Illustrations Unlimited).

If you have ever heard an orchestra out-of-sync, then you know the validity.
This is true with life.  It is not about being served, but serving.
Ditto for the church, big time.
It's true for marriage.

If one can conquer the insistance upon being the loudest instrument in the orchestra, and find sufficient satisfaction in playing his part to the best of his ability, and rejoice even when someone else gains the greater recognition- then rest assured the Conductor takes notice and is pleased.

Lately, I have been thinking a bit about Petticoat Junction.

First of all, that Uncle Joe is a lazy guy.  He is nice and jovial alright, but he basically sits around and lets Kate do all the work, while he stuffs his face and spouts off one-liners.  It is time for him to get to work or get out.

And, how about those girls bathing in the water tower?  Naked.  This cannot be good for the young people who turn to this show looking for wholesome entertainment.  I think Kate needs to spend less time dusting and more time worrying about what her girls are doing up in that tower.

Steve Elliott, the crop duster, keeps flying over the water tower, ogling those teenage girls.  Uncle Joe could have gotten up from his nap and secured a Restraining Order.  Most likely, this would have prevented the future marriage of Steve and Billy Jo, the youngest of the trio.
 
Sam Drucker needs to wake up.  Kate is simply a big flirt.  She has no interest in this man.  There is a reason why I cannot find a picture of the two of them together, anywhere.  Sam works hard and seems to be a nice guy.  And he is probably the richest man in town.  I am sure, somewhere in Hooterville, is a woman deserving of Sam's love.  And it is not that diva Kate.

What's with the dog running around without a leash?  His name, creatively, is "dog".  He is quite lucky not to get crushed by a speeding train.

   
     
_______________________
Before we go, let's join together in a chorus of the theme song:

Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old sister of Britney, is pregnant.

I will gladly admit that, until this week, I knew nothing of this person.  You see, I have never opted for cable or satellite television.  I do not think I am a prude- I go to movies quite a bit.  Last night, to continue our annual and strange Christmas evening tradition, my son and I went to see a movie.  Alien Vs Predator Requiem.  And if I want to write about something truly hideous, I could move past Jamie’s mom Lynne and share opinions about this very bad film.  And, perhaps with another post I will. 

I forego cable television so that, hopefully, I can limit the exposure of self and family to those like Lynne, Jamie, and Britney.  Now, thanks to the CNN website, I know that Jamie is a cute little girl, unfortunately cursed to be the daughter of a media slut and sister to the real-life equivalent, and that she has a hit show on Nickelodeon.  I know that particular channel.  Whenever staying at a motel, I like to watch Twilight Zone reruns.  And I understand that her impregnator is a 19-year-old.  Hmmm… seems there are laws against that sort of thing. 

Surely for most semi-normal parents, the pregnancy of a teenage daughter would be a great challenge.  For me it was shattering, for a while.  At least, one would not want the child interviewed in depth about the subject in entertainment magazines and television shows.  A 16-year-old has just so much coping skill and probably very little wisdom to pass along.  But, Lynne thinks differently.  And I can see the future.  Perhaps a reality show about teen pregnancy, along the lines of The Osborn’s (another cable delicacy I’ve never personally tasted) or The Hogan’s (I do like the Hulkster, and actually one time viewed an episode on the internet).  Of course, it would star mommy dearest.  There will be a new line of designer clothing for pregnant teenagers, including Lynne & Jamie’s Lingerie.  And, mom’s book about parenting, currently on hiatus, will be published with an added chapter entitled Kevin Federline: He & Jamie Will Make A Good Pair.  Yeck.

Here’s the quote of the year, from CNN Showbiz Tonight, concerning Jamie’s well-publicized pregnancy: “The world will never be the same.” 

And, as you allow that ridiculous statement to soak into your television-saturated mind, I invite you to join across America (or, at least with the other 9 readers of this blog) with a little exercise.  You do remember exercise?  Reach behind the TV to rip the cable from the wall.  If you have Satellite TV, take a pair of pliers from the new tool kit you received for Christmas, and spend some quality time with your child/grandchild/neighbor ’s kid in disassembly of the dish.  Go to the store- Walmart if you must- and purchase a set of rabbit ears.  They still sell them.  Connect it to your television set.  If you live anywhere remotely near a metro area, you will still be able to access about a dozen channels.  You will get the major networks, and PBS.  You will be able to spend more time with the family, and perhaps even do some exercise.  And with time and counseling and prayer, perhaps you will forget all about the Spears family.  That would be a good thing.

We will be having worship at our church on Christmas Eve, at 6 pm.  I understand this is a busy day for many, with family, friends, and holiday occasions.  Yet it is a holy season, and a fitting way to focus upon the centerpiece of Christmas is a candlelighting service.  The sanctuary and hymns will be festive.  And, in a darkened sanctuary, we will share the light of our candles.  As the light envelopes the room, we will be reminded of the influence of Christ upon our lives, and in turn the effect of His love, through us, upon the world. 

Here is the order of worship for our Christmas Eve Service:

----------------
Christmas Eve Candlelight Service

Prelude
As we enter the sanctuary on this most holy occasion, in the quietness of the moment please take time for prayer and consideration of the great love of God.

Call To Worship
“Joy To The World”

(In Unison) “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince Of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

Lighting Of The Christ Candle
As we have celebrated Advent as a church family, we have lighted candles symbolizing hope, love, joy, and peace.  Today we light the Christ candle.  This day we especially rejoice that God revealed His great love for us through the child in the manger of Bethlehem.
The Candle
Scripture:  Isaiah 9:1-2
Prayer


Medley Of Christmas Hymns
What Child Is This?
Away In A Manger
Good Christian Men Rejoice
Go Tell It On The Mountain
O Come, All Ye Faithful

Scripture Interpretation – Ms. Gerry McKinney recites the Christmas story from Luke 2


The Lighting Of Candles
Leader: The Candlelight Service at Christmas is symbolic.  The lighting of the first candle symbolizes the coming of Christ the Light of the World.  From Him, the light of God is spread throughout the world.  As the congregation lights other candles, they symbolize the spreading of God’s light into all the world.  Each candle we light is an act of rededication.  Each person who receives the light accepts his or her responsibility to spread God’s light.  Jesus said, “Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)
Sharing Of The Light
“Silent Night”

Postlude

Have a merry Christmas!

My kids have asked for a list of possible Christmas gifts.  Quickly I scrawled out the usual: tie, wallet, car wash certificates, pen, shirt, etc.  But, you know what, I’ve turned 50!  So, here is a revised, more realistic list of things for kids to get parents who have reached such an advanced age.  Feel free to use.

(1) Incontinency Pads -  Not needed yet, but the supermarket aisle includes a large offering, so obviously they will be a necessary item.  For a special touch, add a box of Ex Lax.

(2) Ear and Nose Hair Remover – This is highly irritating, how hair stops growing on the head and starts growing out the ears.  Whoever invented this device (Ronco?) is a genius.  Particularly this is needed for the all-too-frequent elder with the single, very long hair emerging in a perpendicular fashion from the nostril.  Kids, you know who this would be.

(3) Rogaine – It’s a good product

(4) Apology Cards – Hallmark, 100-pack, assorted.  We get older, we become much more outspoken, demanding, irritating.  Insulting.  We don’t care- we’re old.  However, we do require the servitude of those younger.  Thus, such cards have a manipulative purpose.

(5) Dr. Scholls Variety Pack – corn pads, bunion pads, heavy-gage toenail clippers.  Some toenails will require heavy gage, metal cutting shears.  They can be found at any geriatric supply store.

(6) Breath Spray – I’ll now develop the habit of conversing with others face-to-face, no more than two inches away, aiming my breath directly into the nose and eyes. 

(7) Faux Hearing Aid – I will pretend not to hear.  It will be a ploy, for should you say anything that could even remotely be twisted to imply personal insult, I will find reason to sulk for months and hint to cut you from the will.  This will prove a highly useful tool of manipulation.

(8) Envelopes and Safety Pins – Who needs a bank?  Just utilize these items, and put your money under your mattress, attached to various articles of clothing in the closet, and jars buried in the back yard.  The latter requires no safety pins.

(9) Gift Certificate for Hardees – I guess I will start hanging out with my comrades, taking full advantage of the free refills of coffee and 99 cent biscuits (discounted 10% with my Sr. Citizen Discount Card).  We will solve all the problems of the world, and perfect a discomforting stare toward every customer under the age of 30.

(10) Lawrence Welk Music – Now I like him, especially his polka music.  If CDs are not available, then LPs will do.  Of course CDs are not available.  8-tracks?  A video of him dancing with the ladies would be a real treat.

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” - Colossians 4:6 (NIV)

Could you imagine that kind of presidential debate?

To the widower of ten years who is deeply offended because I preached an innocuous sermon about an apparently taboo subject in his personal church lexicon - marriage….I’m sorry.

To the fellow from across the street, who staggered into my office stinking and drunk and delirious and paranoid, whom I refused to counsel at the time but told him to go home and sleep it off and then come back, who now remembers nothing about the day except that he is angry at me…I beg your pardon.

To the man who won’t come back to church because he wore open-toed sandals to church, & I told him “Nice toes”…Please come back.

To the lady who stormed out of church because I did not read scripture from the King James Version…Verily I am sore repentant.

To the woman who is mad because I told her loud, unruly, and unsupervised kid to sit down….
To the man who was offended because I, privately and quietly yet deliberately, chuckled that he provided flowers in honor of his cat…

And, to the cat…

"Those who trust in the Lord are as secure as Mount Zion; they will not be defeated but will endure forever." - Psalm 125:1 (NLT)

In loving memory of Doris...

The headline reads Sons of 'Dead' British Man Lash Out at Parents

So, just what do they have to be angry about?  Dad died in a canoing accident in 2002, his body never recovered from the sea.  Mom and sons grieved.  Mom collected on the life insurance policy, and moved to Panama to start a new life.  Now, amidst allegations of fraud, Dad walked into a police station in London to proclaim, “I think I am a missing person”. 

Life Insurance companies are probably quite adept at spotting and investigating fraud.  They would have to be.  A key would be to follow the money trail, necessarily attached to the surviving benefactors.  This guy and his wife apparently were not very smart.  They cheerily agreed to have their photo taken with a real estate agent, which was placed upon the internet, and inevitably ended up on the computer screen of a fraud investigator.  Perhaps the sons are not only angry with the callous rouse of their parents, but also with how incredibly dumb they have proven to be.  The only thing worse than a crook is a dumb crook.

Do you ever fantasize about one day simply walking out the door and disappearing?  You have a fight with the spouse/kids/parents; you come to strongly dislike your job and long for a major life change.  Or, in my fantasy, I’m accused of a hideous crime of which I am absolutely innocent, yet facing sure incarceration.  Where would I go?

It is a favorite theme of movies.  Castaway.  The Majestic.  The Fugitive.  Terms Of Endearment Guy.  Shawshank Redemption.

Of course, would have to change my appearance.  Mustache.  Contacts.  Hair coloring.

Would this be a good look?  

I’m healthy and fairly fit.  I am confident I could find a new line of work.  Fake ID would be easy enough to obtain. 

I’m thinking Alaska.  I’ve heard that in Alaska nobody asks where you are from, because there are a lot of folk running away from something.  Perhaps a job processing salmon, or working the oil rigs.  Or, I wonder just how thoroughly the resume and references would be checked for a guy willing to pastor FBC of Nome?

And there is another part of the world that offers a siren call to this wayward stranger.  Kiribati.  Since reading The Sex Lives Of Cannibals, I’ve thought it to be a fascinating place.  The author of said book lived there for a couple of years, lost his health and sanity.  But I think I could do better.  I could buy a hut on an offshore island and live a subsistence lifestyle.  After all, what does it take to make a go of life on a South Sea Island?  Actually, it would not be an entirely lonely life.  There would be neighbors, and they are no longer cannibals.  According to my internet studies, the native people do wear clothes, and somewhere within boating distance surely there would be a dentist.  And a McDonalds.

This post will self-destruct in fifteen minutes.  But, if someday you read an obituary for PastorDave, or hear that I have escaped while on the way to prison, simply smile.  Take a flight to Tarawa by way of New Zealand.  Rent a canoe and paddle to the fourth island 40 degrees west of the setting sun.  Avoid the jagged rocks and jellyfish.  I will be glad to see you.  Bring your own toilet paper.

12.06.07 (10:42 pm)   [edit]

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