Henry Calling
HENRY CALLING
“Henry” called again today. I suspect that is not his real name, for much about him is a mystery. He has been calling two or three times per month, for a couple of years. There is much that I do not know about him. His location is lost within this vast metro area. He is a professional, but I do not know his trade.
The conversations are short- only about 5 or 10 minutes. I sense he needs this buffer of anonymity. He tells me I am his “friend”. And he speaks of some very personal and shocking matters.
Often it sounds as if he is traveling in his car, for the reception varies during the talk. He is a man of religious connection who continues to attend church periodically.
Henry is gay, and why he has chosen me as his confidant and friend I do not know. I tell him I have no known gay friends. This man is unhappy. His life includes ongoing liaisons and one-night stands with other men. He tells me that men tend to “spot him out” and hit on him on a regular basis. He speaks of unprotected sex, and fears it is just a matter of time until he gets AIDS. After these emotionless encounters, he tells me he feels used and guilty”.
Henry never fails to ask if I have dealt with many persons like himself, and I tell him just a few. And, several times he has asked if I have had much experience with men struggling with addiction to pornography and masturbation. I feel uncomfortable, for these are uncomfortable subjects..
I have thought that maybe this guy is just using me as an experience in eroticism. Perhaps he calls the preacher in order to “talk dirty” for twisted personal gratification. I just do not know- it is a strange situation. My attempt has been to communicate with him with integrity. Not to be shocked and not to condemn, but to speak openly about Christ and His love, and how God can provide a better life.
Sometimes Henry is an inconvenience. His needs seem far from the needs of my average congregant. Likely he will never come to my church, never sing in the choir, and never teach a Sunday School Class. And, he tends to call at the most inopportune times Often the conversations are very shallow, and quickly ended; seemingly a wasted ten minutes. And, did I mention, the subjects are uncomfortable.
Today, Henry called again, and the conversation was quite illuminating. He asked me again about the now familiar topics: pornography, homosexuality, and if I was now dealing with others with the same challenges. I decided to converse, and not just “talk”.
I asked how he became involved in this lifestyle. He told me a sordid story about how a man in his neighborhood molested him as a ten-year-old boy. Other kids were also abused by this monster.
I asked if he had considered that sex was meant to be part of a relationship of love, and not intended solely for recreational pleasure. He said he had not thought about that, but that he did feel shamed and hurt after encounters with strangers.
He told me of participating in a wedding recently, and how the Minister of Music actually “hit on him” while in the men’s restroom. He told me how the two later hooked up. I told him this man was a sorry excuse for a minister of the gospel, and that I felt God would judge him more harshly for misrepresenting God’s love in such a way.
Henry talked about emptiness deep within, and desire to be different. I listened, conversed with sympathy, shared a scripture, and promised to pray. And I told him to please call anytime, that I am his friend. And I told him that God loves him; there is nothing he has or can do that will separate him for God’s loving embrace. I sensed that Henry was crying at this moment.
I know Henry needs many things. Peace. True love. Forgiveness. Freedom. Maybe I can play a small part pointing him in that direction.
What do you think of Henry? Is he taking me for a ride? Am I being too gentle with him? How would you deal with this man?
09.01.05 (9:23 am) [
edit]
posted by:
preceptlady (
reply)
post date:
09.01.05 (7:43 am)
Pastor Dave:
I have a girlfriend that had a habit of getting into relationships with very abusive men. They would beat her, cut her, lock her up and so on. This was a pattern for her and she had never been told life could be different.
I counselled her for over three years with phone calls and over dinner. At times the phone calls were horribly inconvenient. That also was the case with some of the dinners.
However, after years of calls, dinners, luncheons, tears, and her understanding the one thing that mattered was that Jesus loved her and she didn't have to be abused, she is now single and happy.
I would say keep doing what you are doing. Showing Henry compassion. He is seeking or he would stop calling and sometimes that is the only way they know how to handle a situation.
When we give of ourselves unconditionally for the kingdom of God, I know God smiles.
posted by:
Fairmoon (
reply)
post date:
09.01.05 (7:49 am)
i think you're doing the right thing. In some weird way henry needs you and in some small part of his brain he hears you and you've given him hope.
CS talks about charity in a way that was very meaningful to me. He said the christian charity is very hard because you can't do it expecting anything in return. You have to give, show compassion, and KNOW you're not going to get anything out of it. Thats very hard to do.
It can feel draining and unfair, but i believe in it, i believe in the need for it. I disagree with a lot of what Cl said in that book, but in this one i agree.
Yes, he probably is taking you for a ride, but aren't you too by constantly telling him that God loves him? Your ride is a good one. It maybe a struggle, but keep it up. You're a good man, a strong man.
Blessings,
FM
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
09.01.05 (11:30 am)
Reply to: preceptlady
I know Jesus had an adversarial relationship with the Pharisees. So often they clashed. Yet He seemed to alway make time for them. He was always willing to engage them in conversation and challenge them toward the light. I deeply admire that characteristic of our Lord.
It is encouraging that your friend has found a better way. And I imagine others are around, needing the same gentle nudging from you.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
09.01.05 (11:33 am)
Reply to: Fairmoon
So, you think he may be listening? I sure hope so.
And the encouragement toward unconditional love lis exactly what I need. I may sometimes question your theology, but your understanding of love is right on the button. Thanks.
posted by:
childish (
reply)
post date:
09.01.05 (11:53 am)
perhaps you are the only person of faith who is showing Henry compassion. he needs you. though it might make you uncomfortable, remember Jesus.
Was it uncomfortable when a prostitute washed his feet and then dried them with her hair? was it uncomfortable to hear the details of an adulterers affair in front of a rabid crowd?
yes, probably, but that didn't matter.
loving people matters.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
09.01.05 (2:39 pm)
Reply to: childish
I have not considered those insights. Thanks.
I think Jesus was able to have a more pure openness toward such persons. I seek to be like Christ in loving others, but there is a long ways to go.
posted by:
kurtmaddox (
reply)
post date:
09.01.05 (8:25 pm)
Your compassion for Henry moves me. I'm not surprised and would have expected you to do what you described and to be an open ear.
No way to know if you are being taken for a ride. I think that at some point you have to make a decision about whether his anonymous calls are helping him or not. This will sound more harsh than I intend, but, if you've heard him out and offered assistance -- you have done what you can. Even Jesus moved on to the next town and understood time on this earth is limited and need is unlimited.
I'm sure you'll do the right thing -- seems you usually do :-)
posted by:
Rand (
reply)
post date:
09.02.05 (3:54 am)
Good Meeting you Pastor Dave. I think Henry is blessed to have someone like you to be there when he calls. He needs someone who is well grounded into the worl.
posted by:
Fairmoon (
reply)
post date:
09.02.05 (4:37 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
in some way he does hear you, many it's just a tiny part of his heart or soul, but he hears. Well you know sometimes I question Your theology, but I think you are the Coolest "Fundie" I know. :P Teehee, I hope that doesn't offend. :D
posted by:
LeananSidhe (
reply)
post date:
09.02.05 (5:53 am)
Henry is one lucky man.
Perhaps he seeks conversation with you because you are the only one he feels gives him compassion and hope. Perhaps he talks to you because he simply has no one else to talk to who would understand his desire to become a better person, a person who deserves more in life than what he is living now.
Have you thought that maybe Henry is a test for you? Maybe you cannot only teach him something but perhaps he can also teach you?
Yes, Henry is a lucky man.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
09.02.05 (3:25 pm)
Reply to: kurtmaddox
I've thought that maybe I should encourage Henry take a step toward freedom. I'm just not sure what that step should be. Perhaps a challenge to visit my church, with a promise of no confrontation. Maybe challenge with a commitment to abstinence until he is comfortable with who he is and the gift of sexuality. But I know at this time he is little problem for me, so if in this little way I can be of help then we will continue to converse.
Thanks for the kind words.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
09.02.05 (3:28 pm)
Reply to: Rand
I believe in God's supernatural guidance in our lives. Perhaps in God's mystery and love He brough Henry & I together in this way. I remember hearing a story long ago about a man who was about to commit suicide. In his desperation he dialed a random number. He happened to call a church. It was late at night and the pastor by "chance" was there to answer the phone. Coincidence? I think the providence of God.
posted by:
billyv (
reply)
post date:
09.03.05 (4:31 pm)
Keep it up, make sure the conversations are going somewhere and not just shock talk. Keep trying to get at the heart of the matter and why he needs to talk. Who knows, you may never know, but maybe your "friendship" with him may spark him into healing.
posted by:
graceshaker (
reply)
post date:
09.04.05 (8:16 pm)
in reading this and thinking about the possibility of wasted time i cant help but think - how long was Jesus willing to put up with me?
just long enough.
