LIFE IS NOT ABOUT MY AFFIRMATION
LIFE HAS A HIGHER PURPOSE THAN MY AFFIRMATION, ANYHOW!
As Julie was continuing in her journey of life, I continued to fervently pray for her healing. I believed quite strongly that God would heal her condition, and that her miracle would be directly connected to my prayers. Thus I spent hours interceding on her behalf. I traveled to a friend’s lake house to spend days in fasting and prayer. I asked my church to commit to similar urgency, and almost 50 people became prayer partners. I found scriptures of comfort, and claimed their promises, as do many other Christians. I discovered that thousands of believers across the world were enlisted in this army of prayer warriors. Still, her condition worsened, and I considered it a challenge to be even more diligent with intercession.
So often when I would tell others of Julie’s critical condition, I would see in their eyes and hear in their voices that they saw no hope. Some were Christians like myself, but they just did not believe. Once I told a close relative of her rapid decline. This person, with resign and conviction, just stated that Julie was going to die. She was a nominal Christian. She had seen many others lose such battles. She did not bother to argue matters of faith or God’s power. She just knew, sadly, that Julie would die. I became angry at her, and challenged her to just watch and see what God was going to do. I stated resolutely that God would heal her. I made this statement of faith with many others. Then, a few months later, I had very little to say about faith. I was forced to face all those who were inspired, challenged, and even threatened by my belief. I had lost, and the faithless had won.
Life does not always beat-up my faith like this. I have seen people recover from conditions as grave as that of Julie. I have seen miracles, and felt affirmed that God used my prayers in such matters. But not in this case. And with this defeat came a shift in my understanding of God. I started to preach and teach “safe” issues of faith. My prayer life became dull. I ceased to do or say anything with boldness concerning God. And, interestingly, as I started to play it safe with my spirituality, I began to see God as anything but safe. He became, to me, like a wild animal one just cannot trust. A bear or lion, in the circus or zoo, looks so attractive and fun. And tame. But, I know that deep inside, he is still dangerous. Even now, God continues to be that way with me. He’s attractive. But I know He is dangerous, and I know He is not tamed by me.
I’ve preached for many years that faith is an essential part of Christianity. Only after Julie’s death have I begun to fathom this truth. I’m learning. God is not overly interested in my understanding of His ways. And, even less is He interested in affirming my faith to others. I felt let down by God. I stepped out on a limb for Him; why didn’t He work a miracle to make me look good? But, I guess God just does not care what people think about my spiritual batting average. I notice, in the scriptures, that Jesus seldom stands around and argues with those who disagree with Him. He does not twist one’s arm and force him to follow. Instead, the Jesus of the scriptures freely allows those who disagree with Him to walk away. And I think He would allow me, in my anger over Julie’s death, to walk away.
There is no answer for Julie’s death that satisfies me. I believe God had a plan for her that involved only 20 years on this earth, and then cancer…and then heaven. I believe eternal life is the great equalizer for all the unfair things of this life, and in that truth I find some comfort. And I believe we are placed here to glorify the Creator, much as the work of art is to honor the artist. So I can, with dim and incomplete clarity, understand just a little. But, not enough understanding to bring satisfaction.
And, life has a higher purpose than my satisfaction. God is much too wild, and unsafe, and unpredictable for me. But I love Him. And, as contradictory as it sounds, I trust Him.
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I will continue to share "Life-Lessons From Julie" with future posts, coming soon.
