My Teenage Daughter Is Pregnant


I have thought long and often about the propriety of telling this story. It reveals a good bit of hurt, and maybe is a little too transparent for my comfort level. But I think it needs to be shared. There is healing with honest sharing. And, maybe others need to hear my story...


-------


My wife calls and sounds very upset. Instinctively I know it once again concerns our daughter K. She gives me the news over the phone. K is pregnant. Our 17-year-old, my little buddy, our prodigal and troublemaker and subject of earnest prayer for the last four years, is pregnant.



The very thought leaves me feeling like someone just punched me, hard, in the stomach.


I have a hard time breathing, thinking. She is just a kid, not ready for a child. And me? Already I'm at the breaking point with this wild child. And I am a pastor, with a standing and reputation to carry. Good Christian people frown on single teenage girls who get pregnant. And they frown on church leaders whose children are rebellious. What will the community think? And, those who do not like me, here is a good reason for their disposition. All of these questions and emotions swirl into a storm, a tornado, as I make my way to the house.



I enter the house to see my wife sitting on the sofa, crying. I console her as best I can, and ask her to call K. She tells me K is afraid to see me, so I pick up the phone and call her. As she walks into the door I am reminded of how very pretty is my middle child. Blue eyes, light brown hair, delicate features, milky skin and sleek figure- many times a stranger would walk up and comment on how attractive she is. I have always encouraged her to dwell on more important matters of character than physical appearance, to be a person of quality and depth. Right now I understand those words have yet to hit home. As she stands at the door, I walk over to hug her and tell her that I love her. We sit down to talk. The father of her child is someone she does not love; it was sex, not love. It does not make sense to any of us to marry someone you do not love.



Does she want to keep this baby? I believe we should talk about that option. In our country abortion is legal. I think it is a sin, and I despise it. But if my daughter is old enough to choose to become pregnant (and, as I have studied her and the issue countless times, I do believe it has been a matter of choice for her), then she is old enough to make a decision about this pregnancy. We have always encouraged and lived with a respect for life. Even as I ask her, I pray she will make the right choice. Yes, she wants to keep the child. There is no consideration of abortion.



It's time for K to come home. She has lived away from home for several months, but she and this child now need our support, help, and love. She agrees, and the next week is busy with the mechanics of moving.



That was six months ago. K will deliver a little girl in early March.



Tomorrow I will continue to share this hard and yet wonderful journey with you. I will write candidly about my struggle with shame, anger, and depression. I will tell about how I shared this matter with my church and their reaction. And I will tell you about the wonderful process of the healing of this wound. You see, really the one with the big problem was not K, but me.



It will take about four entries to tell the story. Won't you stay and listen?

01.05.06 (9:28 pm)   [edit]


posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (4:35 pm)

I am the product of a preacher's daughter who got pregnant at 16.

God bless you all!


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (4:43 pm)

Wow. I really wrestled with whether to post this story, and almost hit "delete" instead of "enter". But I just sensed that good would come from it. Thanks for your reminder and affirmation of the goodness that comes to life, even messy matters of life.


posted by: LadyG (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (4:56 pm)

Pastor Dave I have been through this same thing with my daughter and know all about the hurt, shame and gossip. My husband is not the pastor but he is head of the deacon board. I can remember the tears thinking she is to young plus I felt like I was not ready to become a grandmother. The difference is that she and the young man came and told us together that he loved her and wanted to marry her. They eventially got married and she had the most beautiful baby. As for the people in the church, I would say that this is when you truly find out who your friends are. Lots of prayers will be said for you and your family, and with Gods help you will make it.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (5:00 pm)

Reply to: LadyG
Again, thank you for your amazing words of honesty and encouragement. That moment of honesty with the world, when I stopped trying to hide the matter from everybody, was scary and liberating. I'll share about it in the next post.

Are the two still together? And the baby, I imagine is a source of great joy in your life.

Thanks.


posted by: keidz (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (5:11 pm)

it's a humbling experience, sharing personal stories like this. i'm happy that ur daughter chose to do the right thing, that is, carry her child to term. i believe even if this is quite a shock to all of you, there is a reason why it happened. goodluck to all of you for the coming of ur grandchild. Ü


posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (5:35 pm)

Reply to: keidz
Thanks. I believe not only did she do the right thing, but she also made a very brave choice. Abortion is quick, final, and in this day and age fairly acceptable. And she would not be tied down with this child for the next 20 years. So I salute her for making a brave choice.


posted by: SnuggleB163 (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (5:50 pm)

I am not a preachers daughter but at age 17 i was raped and became pregnate by my boyfriend he did not want the child so he beat me up... I wont ever forget that and i am glad she chose to carry her babie because life is so prescious.. If i could have i would have kept my babie..... Just love her and her babie with all your heart.... She will really need the support right now..... But not to be mean its about her now.. You should not worry about what people think of you.. because those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind and will support you and your family


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (5:57 pm)

Reply to: SnuggleB163
Two responses:
What a terrible experience, and how huge of you to be willing to share it. I would never condemn you for the choices forced upon you, and I appreciate the gentle nudge about my tendency to make a statement that cannot fit neatly into all circumstances.

And, you are so right, this is ultimately not about me, but her. That will be the gist of what I communicate in the coming days.

I have had some members of my church, fine and upstanding persons, relay some very interesting experiences from their past. When we share our struggles, we all grow stronger.

Thanks. God bless.


posted by: LadyG (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (7:08 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave
They are separeted at this time but have never divorced. the child is a constant source of joy. I am one of the best grandmas you have ever seen.


posted by: mblog (reply)
post date: 01.05.06 (7:36 pm)

If you felt guilt or shame about this, then you have to ask yourself what you did that was shameful, or what you did that made you guilty of something. Perhaps if you look deep down, you'll find something, but I don't see it here.

I see a good person who ended up in an uncomfortable situation. It might be through no fault of your own, or there may be things I don't know. Either way, I am not in a position to judge.

You mentioned that the community frowns on these sorts of things. Apparently, they think they are in a position to judge. Perhaps this situation will help you keep things in perspective and will be a blessing in the long run.

I agree with your thoughts on abortion as an option. Having a baby at her age will be difficult. It will change her life forever. It will affect her ability to go to school or work or even get a night out. But when the baby comes, she will love that baby and you will love that baby. The thought of not having that child will seem inconceivable in a few years.

I just hope that you keep telling your daughter that you love her and will support her.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (3:26 am)

Reply to: LadyG
You wrote they loved one another when they married.

I know couples who married because of a pregnancy, for the sake of the child. Like I wrote, I do not believe that is necessarily wise.

Some worked hard at the relationship and remained committed, and found a good marriage. Some, most did not work out. But I do admire such commitment to do what is perceived to be right. Given all the obstacles faced with such a decision, it is an honorable thing to do.

My daughter and this young man seem to have almost no communication. He is off at College. However, his parents are good people, and his mom will be attending an upcoming baby shower. She seems excited about this little one.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (3:34 am)

Reply to:
The concept of "community" is pretty much gone in this area, swallowed up by subdivisions and constant change. The only real community left is the church. The Bible teaches that fornication is a sin. So, if we are not careful, we put a scarlet letter on the young couple who are "living together" or the young lady who is pregnant "out of wedlock". I am very aware of this tendency, and thus embarassed. I'm working on it; it's my problem. I don't think we would have been able to survive this crisis at a small-town church.

Love her and support her? That's the plan. I tell K that I love her, and try to spend time and communicate with her. I do not speak with condemnation.

I do not want to encourage a repeat of this matter by being her financial enabler. There is responsibility in this matter that she must accept. And, I think she will.


posted by: LadyG (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (6:14 am)

Reply to: PastorDave
Yes they were together about 7 or 8 yrs before he started having affairs. he is still a part of the family. I told him that he failed as a husband but is just a wonderful father.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (6:17 am)

Reply to: LadyG
You are wise, and mature, in your relationship with this man. I hope your daughter is doing well.


posted by: hardtoimagine (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (7:05 am)

I just clicked on a link to your blog out of the blue. I can certainly appreciate the struggle that you have with this. My father is a pastor also. At the age of 18 I became pregnant and had an abortion because I couldn't stand to face my dad and the disappointment that he would surely have had in me. Years later, at 25, my single sister became pregnant. Even though she was an adult, my father still had a very difficult time dealing with it. But, now, 6 years later as I look back on things I realize that her son is the one thing that brought my family back together after a very difficult time in our lives. We had all strayed a bit and now we are closer than we have ever been. I'm sure there were other factors, but when my nephew was born we were all there and have given that child so much love. I don't know where we would be today without him.


posted by: sweetsue (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (7:14 am)

I know that being a preacher,and the child of a preacher is very hard,as others look up to you and at you..but remember what is inside..and neither you,your family or your daughter who really needs the love and guidance now are any different ..Those in the community and church that truly know you and your family will love you no matter what...and once that bundle of joy is put into your arms..your heart will melt..and all you will think and care about is the love and joy you feel..the joy that little granddaughter will give you...and you are an example whether a preacher or not..that we are not perfect..no one is...bless you and your family..and good luck with the new addition to the family that soon will be a big part of your lives...Peace Be With You.


posted by: sweetsue (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (7:14 am)

And...hope to see pictures of the sweet little bundle posted here ^-^


posted by: LadyG (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (8:00 am)

Reply to: PastorDave
She is doing very well. She went back to schoo and is now a nurse. She lives with me and he has a key to the house as he is still part of the family.


posted by: ruined (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (8:30 am)

You've got my attention. I have 3 girls of my own. They are only 7 years old, 5 years old, and 2 years old, but I know the struggles are still up ahead. My 7 year old is our little wild child and I see this situation as a real possibility in our future, as well. So, any wisdom I could obtain would be wisdom well placed.


posted by: preceptlady (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (8:41 am)

My friend....

Growing up as a child my mother reinforced this one principle "Don't get pregnant before you get married." If I heard it once, I heard it thousands of times.

What did I do, I got pregnant before I was married. My mother went balistic and locked herself in the bathroom for hours. My dad was very supportive.

I know my actions hurt my parents terribly because as parents we want to see our children successful and do things right. We want to save them from the hurt we know is coming.

Abortion was not an option then. I carried the baby 8 1/2 months and the last two weeks of the pregnancy I carried the baby dead. Induction of labor on a dead child was not an option.

I married the father of the child when I was three months pregnant.

One thing I can encourage you to do for your daughter.....show her unconditional love but remind her there are consequences (in a very loving way), make her responsible and always be there for her. Listen to her when she has fears and she will. Don't remind her of what she has done. That is the past..focus on the future. Help her get on her feet with the baby. Independance is important.

Love her with a firm hand. She will thank you for it later. :)


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (12:29 pm)

Reply to: hardtoimagine
Wow, thanks for sharing. I think I would benefit from hearing more of your story. Had you told your dad about your pregnancy, I wonder if he would have found a way to love and support you through it? I think people of true character are able to work through the challenges of life and come out on top. You guys proved yourselves to be true family with the way you rallied around your sister in her great time of need. That's what we are trying to do. It is not a storybook scenario, but its working so far.

Please stay in touch. I could use comments from you as we go along.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (12:32 pm)

Reply to: sweetsue
An example.
It just seems I can sense alot of people breathing a big sigh of relief in my presense, as if they are saying, "This guy is like me. He has problems, like me. He can relate to me. And, God understands." Boy, this "school of life" sure isn't easy to graduate!

Sue, you always have quality comments. Thanks.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (12:35 pm)

Reply to: LadyG
I am glad she is moving on with her life, whether this guy comes back as her husband or not. And, no one deserves to have a philandering husband. If he considers her to be worth it, he will change. If he still has time.

May daughter, K, wants to be a nurse. She will graduate from High School this May, and is now looking into local nursing programs. I am glad she has a plan for her life, to make something of her life and to take care of little Skyler.

God bless.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (12:40 pm)

Reply to: ruined
I'm not too good with parental advice right now!

Let me say this: Those preteen years you have with your children are times of training, sort of like Spring Training for baseball/football. Give it your very best effort. Instill all the love and example and time you can. I can almost guarantee that the teen years will be a challenge. For some, their teens give them no problems, and they can't relate to someone like me. For the 90% of the rest of us, toon years are stormy years. Hang on. Love. Never give up. Never stop praying. I believe they will make it through those years with your love and guidance. Kinda like "...the valley of the shadow of death". Then one day, I believe, you'll look and, lo and behold, your children will have developed into fine adults.

That's the scenario I am looking toward, and praying for.

God bless. Please stay in touch.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.06.06 (12:56 pm)

Reply to: preceptlady
Don't remind her of what she has done. That is the past..focus on the future.

I think that is good advice.

You have shared some really challenging matters in your life. I appreciate that these have made you kinder and more loving, not bitter and hard.

Thanks for gracious words.

I trust you continue to heal from your surgery, and maybe by now you've graduated from pureed food? God bless.


posted by: Sillygrrl3 (reply)
post date: 01.08.06 (11:22 am)

Dear Pastor Dave, Your sharing is beautiful. I was pregnant at 21 and never told my parents I had an abortion. I was pregnant the next year and told them. I know it is hard for parents to hear from their kids and especially Christian Pastor's to hear and struggle through. My mother is a pastor, and the line you have about the people who already don't like you having proof of their dislike is true. Thank you for your honesty. THank you for the love you are showing your little girl. My prayers and thoughts and hugs are with you and your family!

Kara


posted by: graceshaker (reply)
post date: 01.10.06 (2:56 pm)

this obviously wasnt easy but its inspiring to see a pastor who will be open and honest with their struggles. this past sunday night my lead pastor shared with us the immanent divorce of his daughter after only 6 months of marriage. he was heartbroken and it brought tears to my eyes just hearing it tho i barely know his daughter. like teenage pregnancy divorce is all too common. both my sisters and all my immediate cousins have been divorced. im the only one in the family who is still with my first wife and thats nothing short of a miracle.

this is the world we live in - sinful and harsh. unforgiving. but that is all the more reason its so important for followers of christ to be loving and compassionate. i see these things in you despite whatever doctrinal differences we may have and i am drawn to the authenticity i find in your words.

i consider you a friend pastor dave tho weve never met and prolly wont. tonight and in the future i will be lifting you up before the throne.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.10.06 (3:21 pm)

Reply to: graceshaker
"...this is the world we live in - sinful and harsh. unforgiving. but that is all the more reason its so important for followers of christ to be loving and compassionate." This is a great statement. I want it to be a theme of my life, a catalyst for how I treat others, and how I deal with the "sinner".

Doctrinal differences don't necessarily have to be a barrier. There's just a few that really matter. Right?

That you will pray for me is the greatest compliment. I am humbled.

You know, alot of times I just don't know how to adequately respond to your blogs. They are puzzling, and my mind is usually simple, and so I sometimes write something that doesn't really fit. And such will probably continue!


posted by: BronwynJ (reply)
post date: 01.10.06 (6:29 pm)

These words of yours have troubled me:

"I do not want to encourage a repeat of this matter by being her financial enabler. There is responsibility in this matter that she must accept. And, I think she will."

I hope that you will accept your responsibility to provide for your 17 year old daughter. At what age do fathers stop financially supporting their children where you live, in your society?


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.11.06 (5:36 pm)

Reply to: BronwynJ
Well, I know of several who are now financially supporting not only their children, but grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. That just does not seem fair to me.

K is bright, and capable, and hard working. If I make this baby too easy for her, then I am afraid she may feel encouraged to go and do it again. On friend and fellow church member has a daughter, in her mid-30's, who has had two children, spurred by knowing her mom will raise the kids while she continues an out-of-control life.

If K will learn and grow from this experience, which I believe she will, then things will be fine. I hope she stays in our house. I want her to graduate from High School this May, and go on to College. She has such plans for nursing school. I want her to work after the baby comes along, to enable her to be responsible and independent.

I've told her I will make a wonderful grandfather to Skylar, her child. Not daddy. I think that's fair, and loving.

Now, when that little one actually comes upon the scene, I'll probably have to revisit some of these words!

I have come to appreciate and respect your thoughts. Thanks.


posted by: graceshaker (reply)
post date: 01.11.06 (8:23 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave
wow - something i said as a lifetheme? we may have to get kurtmaddox to approave that. Ü

dont sweat my blogs. just talk with me. its how i learn. and ive learned a lot from you brother.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.12.06 (8:04 am)

Reply to: PastorDave
Don't flatter yourself too much! You didn't come up with the idea of unconditional love for others. Of course, you can always try to get a patent.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.12.06 (12:06 pm)

Reply to: graceshaker
Don't flatter yourself too much! You didn't come up with the idea of unconditional love for others. Of course, you can always try to get a patent.



posted by: DrForbush (reply)
post date: 01.13.06 (2:28 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave

I am so glad that you posted this; life experiences tend to make me think about reality instead of the hypothetical. It sounds like you are handling the situation quite well - better than I would. I also have a teen daughter a couple of years younger than yours. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders, but then you never know what might happen. I would expect more trouble from my next two daughters, because they tend to be wilder.

One thing that you said bothered me:

"If I make this baby too easy for her, then I am afraid she may feel encouraged to go and do it again."

The reason that I am bothered by this is that people, and especially children don't always think in these terms. They have a whole range of ways of dealing with life. For some fraction they may actually think to themselves that they don't want to get involved with the opposite sex, because of what happened last time. But in reality they want to be loved and making life more difficult may just make them seek more love from someone else. They may look at your lesson as a lack of love. We need to remember that there are the words and the actions.

I haven't read your other entries on this yet because I wanted to read them in order. Thanks again for sharing and I'll be praying for you...



posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.13.06 (5:07 pm)

Reply to: DrForbush
I am thankful for you, and especially for your prayers.

Others have expressed a concern about the same statement. What I am saying is that I do not want to be an enabler. A couple of my friends have teenage daughters, similar to K, who had babies. Both have made things very easy for their daughters. They basically are raising the child, while their daughters continue with an out of control life. Now, my girl is showing all the sign of responsibility at this point. She works hard, she is staying out of trouble, she is being respectful of her body during this time of pregnancy, she is choosing good company, etc. When the child comes, I want her to continue to live with us. But I also want her to help pay the bills and have a plan for her life. She intends to go to nursing school, which I think is great.

As to her thinking about matters differently than myself, you are so right. This is a very puzzling aspect of our relationship. She just does not analyze matters and make decisions with the same minset as myself. I'm coming to accept that.

We have had the benefit, together, of professional counselling for over a year now. It has been of great help, and I would recommend it to any family going through similar crises.

Hope you find something worthwhile in the rest of the story.



posted by: Vannie (reply)
post date: 05.12.06 (11:28 pm)

I can empathize. At 18 my oldest daughter got pregnant by a guy who was trying to use her to get into the country. He married her and because of a miracle from God he got deported. She moved back home with her young infant son and we are enjoying helping her raise him. She is working full time and going back to school in the fall. I had to really pray for/ and talk a lot with my husband about unconditional love and most of the time he is doing quite well. He loves his grandson. Now we are experiencing a similar situation with my youngest daughter. It is so hard because you really feel like you have failed your children when you can't protect them. We have been quite active Christians in the church also.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 05.13.06 (4:31 am)

Reply to: Vannie
I have not visited this post in a while, and am glad that it still has value.

Sky, our grandaughter, was born March 1. She is a great addition to our family, very healthy, and constantly loved and fawned over. K seems to be doing well. She has a job making $10 per hour, working 4p -9p Mon-Fri. She will be graduating in two weeks, and is already enrolled for the local Jr College. She still seems attracted to the wrong kinds of companions, and that troubles me. But she brings Sky to church most Sundays, and seems to have responded well to our love. For me, the bitterness and anger are gone. I am at peace that K is a unique individual who will make her own way in life, and there are limits to my influence. I pray for her all the time. And my church has been magnificent through it all, an amazing group of truly godly folk.

So, now you are going through it again? I cannot imagine how tough that must be. God gives grace, sufficient grace, I know. You do not deserve this. But, it is really not about you. People do foolish things.

I would appreciate if you would visit back, and share how things are going. God bless.



posted by: tina (reply)
post date: 08.28.06 (9:07 am)

Just four days ago I found out that my seventeen year old daughter is pregnant.......I am so lost. My husband is angry and trying to come to terms with it and thinking about the backlash of the community. We live in a small town. I too had became pregnant at seventeen with my daughter who is now going thru the same thing so I am also dealing with the guilt. I found your blog and I was hoping for someone to tell me how to fix the situation. Make everyone happy and not loose myself into the dark. I blame myself. There is no doubt she will be keeping the baby because of the way I raised her. No one could make that choice for me and she feels that way too. The father wants to marry her and they have been together a year and I know they are in love. My husband wants to hurt the boy but her dosnt understand I didnt have that her father left and has only seen her once. I married my husband when she was four and he is her father. I will check back for comments soon I hope someone hears me.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 08.30.06 (5:43 pm)

Reply to: tina

You probably realize there is no way to fix everything and make everybody happy. These kinds of messes are not easily resolved.

I guess you have read about my ordeal. I'm a pastor, conservative socially and in theology. I believe and preach that sex is intended for the marriage relationship. And I think my life and family are to be an example for others. So, my daughter's pregnancy really hit me hard. It sucked all the joy out of me. I was too numb to feel much of anything. so, during that time, I sought to function on what I knew instinctively to be right. It was my ongoing faith in God, conditioned over many years, that carried me through.

Now I knew it was right to be loving toward my daught. I did not feel very loving, but I still behaved with what I thought to be proper self-giving love. The emotions were not there- just the actions. And, really, love is not an emotion but an action.

The reall breakthrough, for me, came when the baby was born. As I held Skylar, anger and resentment poured out of me and sweet love poured it. It was truly a mystical, magical experience. I believe the same can happen for you guys. Do what you know to be right, even when the "feeling" is not there. Love your daughter with unconditional, unearned love- love in action. She may or may not comprehend or appreciate what you do, but still it is right and good.

Now, as far as what others think, I say you should let go and give them opportunity to do what is right. For sure, some will probably shake their heads in judgment. But I believe the vast majority will prove to be good and loving, and will end up being great blessings to you. If you have a community of faith- a church- set aside your reservations and let them love you at this time. If they are anything close to being what they are supposed to be, then you will have on your side a great source of strength.

Give your husband some space, and don't say too much negative toward what he may say about this matter. Just pray for him, and give it some time. He sounds like a good man, and he will come through for you.

Please write back, and we'll work through some of these issues together. I'm honored that you have come my way. God bless.



posted by: Wmom (reply)
post date: 10.17.06 (7:29 pm)

Thank you for this site. My husband and I have been having marital problems for a few years, and my love for him has been slowly dying. We recently found out our 16 year old, my birth daughter/his stepdaughter, is pregnant. She was 4 months when we found out, she is now 6 months along. We didn't even know she was seeing anyone, because she wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend or date. The boy is someone she has known for 2 years and she met him at church.

I was distraught when I found out, and my husband became out of control. He smacked her, and followed her throughout the house calling her ugly names. I tried to calm him down, but couldn't, and eventually called the police for assistance. He's a good father, but we see things differently, which is the main problem between me and him. Before the police arrived, my husband called family members over from both sides; he eventually ended up kicking my sister's husband out of our house. My brother-in-law also called the police because he was concerned - there were no other males in the house to calm my husband down. My husband was eventually arrested and now is awaiting a court hearing.

I have been having a hard time trying to mend my family. I have suggested a separtion to my husband, but he doesn't want to do this because we have two younger children together. I have forgiven my daughter, and plan on being there for her and the baby. My husband says he has forgiven my daughter, but he is stilling holding on to a lot of anger. He doesn't want my sister or her family over to our house; and he prefers that me and my girls have little contact with her and her family. He doesn't even want them calling the house, so they call my cellphone. I have distanced myself a little from them because I don't want my sister or her family to have to deal with my husband's anger. He and I have gotten into a lot of arguments because I tell him he is too controlling. I know my family did what they thought they had to do keep me and my daughter safe. My husband doesn't understand that it was his behavior that landed him in jail. He just complaints that he had to use his savings for court fees.

My daugther's natural father is also upset, but he's forgiven him and has told me that things will work out.

The boy is 2 years older than and wants to be involved in his child's life, but my husband is going to make this very hard. My husband wants to take a restraining out on the boy. He doesn't want the boy anywhere around our house, which will make it difficult for him to see the baby once she is born unless I drive my daughter and the baby to see him somewhere outside of our home. The boy's parents are very supportive, and my husband and I have sat down and talked to them. I know them from church - my husband didn't attend with us because he didn't like the church or pastor, so he just stayed home.

I tried to explain to my husband that he needs to forgive, and be supportive so that we can guide these kids to be responsible parents. Is there anything you can suggest to help me.

I will be seeking counseling for myself and my daughter, who is still in school and doing well. I have suggest anger counseling to my husband and think the courts will be order ordering this.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 10.17.06 (8:15 pm)

Reply to: Wmom

What a tough situation. It is a real shame that your husband has decided to be part of the problem, instead of your help-mate. You've got your hands full with your children, so this man is going to have to either be a positive help or get out of the way. He hit your daughter? How dare he; I think he needs to absolutely assure your heart- your "mothers heart"- that he is deeply sorry for this and he will never do such a thing again. And I say if you have to choose between this man or your daughter, you choose the daughter.

Maybe he is a person of integrity who needs a jolt to wake him up. Maybe the court action is part of the solution.

I wish I could say to just give him some time, some space. But his actual physical violence is a big red flag. Has he done anything like this before?

Your daughter is not a "slut...trash" or any other derogatory term. She is someone who needs help, and support, and most of all love. The fact her connection with this boy has something to do with church is unfortunate, but you and I know that church people are not perfect. We all need God's grace, everyday.

I hope you continue to connect with church. Don't be secretive about what is going on, and don't feel any need to explain to your church friends. Church is about loving, not judging. If it is a good church, they will serve as your support system at this time. If not, find another church.

YOu are blessed to have what sounds like a good extended family. Keep them close- you and your daughter, and this coming little baby, need them. Your husband is foolish to try to force you to choose between them and himself.

God bless you. Please continue to let me know how things are going. I predict (and I'm not a prophet!) the immediate future holds some hard knocks for you, but also some tremendous blessings. You will be amazed at how you will grow as a person and as a Christian as you walk/crawl through this experience.



posted by: Terry (reply)
post date: 09.24.07 (10:44 pm)

Hi Pastor Dave. We just found out 2 weeks ago that our 20 year old daughter is expecting. She came in and told me the other day. I said, "you're joking right?" She has always been a straight arrow kid and always honest. I really think our culture plays such a huge role in influencing our kids. There are TV programs with so much sexual content, Cosmo magazines, etc. Not to justify that any of this is okay. We would never have dreamed this would happen to us in our family. I rehearsed this topic of not having sex before marriage repeatedly to her, as her mother, and she agreed. Luckily, she's been with her boyfriend for 5 year, and he wanted to marry her last December in 06 but our stipulation was that she finish college, get her degree, and then marry. I think her boyfriend didn't want to wait. I've wrestled with being angry off and on and know Christ wouldn't want me to be. I do feel a little scared for the future, as this type of thing always has some sort of consequence. And, as others wrote earlier, I don't want to be too nice and make it too easy, as I don't want this to be repeated and she feels that I will be there to raise her children while she works. I just feel so badly that her life will be extra hard, and I'm the softy that always steps in and gives and gives. Thanks everyone for your comments on this topic. I pray the Lord will bless it for good.


posted by: Elizabeth (reply)
post date: 11.03.07 (1:00 pm)

I came across your page trying to find help in accepting the fact our pastors daughter had three babies with three different guys. Trust me I have thougth about all of this awhile. She is not a Christian yet... What are your thoughts about this?


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 11.03.07 (1:45 pm)

Reply to: Elizabeth
Three babies with three different guys? I need more details to give a more thorough reply. Some questions:
How old is she?
Has she been married to any of these guys?
Does she have severe emotional and/or mental challenges?
What kind of Deacon's kids has she been hanging out with?

The last question was tongue-in-cheek, but not entirely.

Your pastor is flesh and blood. He/she is not a perfect, nor entirely exemplary Christian. Assuming he is sincere about his Christian life, he has a calling that he is trying hard to fulfill. And I'm pretty sure he has not wanted his daughter to behave in such way. He has probably loved her, and sought to give proper example to her, and prayed for her, and instructed her, etc. However, about the age of sexual awareness and peak fertility, a young lady has become a free moral agent with lots of challenges in life. She just may choose to be sexually active outside of marriage even knowing such behavior is contrary to the teaches of Christ and the wishes of her parent. Persons of free choice can do that.

Three times? I'll bet that absolutely breaks the heart of her father, and her Heavenly Father. Did the man consult his church leadership about the matter? He would be foolish not to do so. And, if they are supportive, they should clearly make a statement of such support to the church. And, the love of your pastor for his daughter is amazing if she continues to live with him, and he helps with the support of her children. I know of a fine Christian lady, who incidentally is part of the ongoing blogging here at t-Blog, whose adult daughter has had numberous children outside of marriage. The daughter is a drug abuser, and her behavior is a sad result. The mother is exasperated by her daughter, but loves the children. Her love for her daughter has nothing warm-and-fuzzy. But it is a given. When do you stop loving your children? I'll do it the moment God stops loving His children.

If you can no longer support your pastor because of what has transpired, then you should be honest with him. Tell him clearly and prayerfully before you tell anyone else. Just make sure you spend a few sleepless days and nights in prayer about the entire situation, including your own heart.

Elizabeth, I do not know if you will ever read this. It seems I get quite a few comments, from time to time, on this one little post, but few give me any additional feedback. I would really like to hear further from you.

God bless you, your pastor, and his daughter.



posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 11.03.07 (1:48 pm)

Reply to: Terry
So, how are things going? My prayers are with your family. Would like to hear from you.



posted by: Elizabeth (reply)
post date: 11.04.07 (3:50 am)

Wow ! thanks for the quick reply! Ok, No she has never been married but living with the last guy. She is 26, or there about. She has no mental or emotional challenges that I know of. There is so much more to the story.

See, our church has been through the wringer. 2 Big splits and alot to do with people not liking our pastor and some because of his daughter.

In a nut shell, our church is falling apart , building included. I feel that is not important to our pastor as there have been work days and he has never showed up.

As hard as it is to say, his wife is judgemental and critical of so much.

Please believe me when even it it looks like i am, I have no one else to ask for their opinion.

Bottom line, when is it time to leave a church?

I have always believed I would stick it out but I am tired.... Thank you !! In our pastor's defense, I know he loves his daughter.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 11.06.07 (4:34 pm)

Reply to: Elizabeth
I think there are issues here that have little to do with your pastor's daughter. If he is a good pastor, then he and the church should be able to continue a relationship no matter the behavior of his adult daughter. I know how it works.... when things start going not so good in a church, then people start looking for a reason. And, the pastor is the easiest and simlest one to blame. It is like a ballteam that starts losing games. You can't really fire the whole team, although maybe you should, but you can change coaches. And sometimes it works. Surely your pastor is aware of this tendency and philosophy among churches? If things are going badly as you have said, then maybe he is making an effort to find another place of ministry. I am pastor of a Protestant, independant church. To find another place of ministry, I would have to send out resumes and work my contacts, pray, and wait. It takes months and even years to move on, and gets more difficult as you get older. May in confidence you should ask your pastor if he is working through this process, and if he is, then give him some time.

Here's another thought, and it may sound a bit blunt, but it is the truth: It is often a lot easier for you, as a disgruntled church member, to move your letter than for your pastor to move his family and his residence. If these differences are matters that you absolutely can't work through or give time to work out, then go somewhere else. Just a crass suggestion!

I will say that a mistake many of us ministers make is to stay too long at a church. There does come the time when one's ministry is no longer effective. The people become too comfortable. The minister has tried everything he can try. It becomes time for someone new, someone fresh. He would be wise to move on, and be that someone new and fresh for another church. I don't know that such is the case with your pastor. Surely he is praying about it. It is not your job to tell him to go. That would be God's responsibility. Matters become muddled when a pastor and/or a church are not listening to God, and rather fighting like school children.

I hope you are prayerful and wise and loving in every decision you make. I find this to be interesting, and of concern. Please feel free to interact some more if you would like. And, God bless.



posted by: Elizabeth (reply)
post date: 11.09.07 (2:33 am)

Hello Again ! You have great insight as to things that are on my mind and heart. As i dwell on things, I realize there is still so much to the story. I am going to be putting my thoughts together and continue this when I can find a way to make a long story short. I fell grateful that I may have someone to hear me out that is not involved in our church or town. Have a great day !!


posted by: Debra (reply)
post date: 01.09.08 (7:42 pm)

We are dealing with a similar situation. Our 18 year old daughter began college this fall, living in a dorm. Well, within 2 weeks of being on her own, she found herself pregnant from her boyfriend of 1 year. Ever since November, when my husband and I found out, we have been keeping this a secret from everyone. I sit an pray when ever possible that the "situation" will change. We are avoiding our friends, have not been going to church, and haven't even told our son who is away at college. Now, our daughter is home on an extended break, trying to decide if she will move back into the dorm and attend school for the Spring Semester. She will be 35 weeks during finals. She could live at home and commute to school if she wanted. We just don't know what would be best - to go to school pregnant, to live in the dorm pregnant, or maybe take the semester off and hopefully go back after the baby is born. Any suggestions for her and for us. We are so alone. We have thought of going to a crisis pregnancy center, but are afraid that some of the volunteers will be from our church.
Sorry this is so long.


posted by: Debra (reply)
post date: 01.09.08 (7:44 pm)

We are dealing with a similar situation. Our 18 year old daughter began college this fall, living in a dorm. Well, within 2 weeks of being on her own, she found herself pregnant from her boyfriend of 1 year. Ever since November, when my husband and I found out, we have been keeping this a secret from everyone. I sit an pray when ever possible that the "situation" will change. We are avoiding our friends, have not been going to church, and haven't even told our son who is away at college. Now, our daughter is home on an extended break, trying to decide if she will move back into the dorm and attend school for the Spring Semester. She will be 35 weeks during finals. She could live at home and commute to school if she wanted. We just don't know what would be best - to go to school pregnant, to live in the dorm pregnant, or maybe take the semester off and hopefully go back after the baby is born. Any suggestions for her and for us. We are so alone. We have thought of going to a crisis pregnancy center, but are afraid that some of the volunteers will be from our church.
Sorry this is so long.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.10.08 (6:31 am)

Reply to: Elizabeth
It has been a couple of months. How are things going? So, why doesn't your pastor show up for workdays at the church? Surely there is something he could do, even if disabled.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 01.10.08 (6:50 am)

Reply to: Debra
Your daughter needs prenatal care. It is very important, more important than keeping your secrets or your pride. Let's say you go to the crisis pregnancy center, and as a result word gets around to your church. What's going to happen? Maybe there will be gossip and judgment. It happens in churches that have totally strayed from being truly Christian. Most likely, though, I see a different scenario. Presuming yours is a decent church, made up of good although not perfect Christians, here is what will likely happen: There will be a few gossips/Pharisees, who will seek to ply their trade. Everybody decent, including all of your friends, your pastor and church staff, and every true Christian will rally to your support. Some will tell you their stories, similar and perhaps even more difficult in the details. Hugs, love, support, presence, acceptance- that's what you will get from people who truly love you. Now if you have made a habit of judging and not loving others in similar circumstance, then of course you need to repent. And that will be a good thing- becoming more like Jesus is always a good thing.

I encourage you to stop being ashamed. Pregnancy is a natural, God-given process. A baby is a gift of God, and your life will be complicated but immeasurably enriched with her presence. And this can be a major turning point for your daughter. She doesn't need anyone to make an effort to enforce guilt/shame. Most likely she already feels it. And, conviction is the work of God, not us. She needs your support and love.

So, I think you should: Go to church. Take your daughter, and sit beside her. Hold your head up high. If your pastor and church do not support you, then come to my church! Seriously, if that is the case, then it is not a real church. Just an assembly of hypocrites.

These are momentous times for you and your daughter. Just personally speaking, and this is only opinion, seem like she could take a break before resuming her studies. And getting a College degree and a good job are so very important for she and her child.

The boyfriend? It's time for him to step up to the plate and be an adult. His days of being a kid are gone forever, either with his personal decision as a responsible person, or by force of law. Too bad he might have to alter his plans for the future in order to provide his fair share of child support. And to think a little self control, or a condom, could have prevented this!

That's enough for now. God bless you- things will work out as you pray and do what is right. Stay in touch, please.



posted by: Debra (reply)
post date: 01.11.08 (4:21 pm)

The boyfriend, well, he is not in school, delivers pizzas for a job and is trying to break into the music business in a band. I just don't see how he will support a family for many years to come. We don't like him. He says that he is a christian, but I just don't see it. He has been caught lying to us and to our daughter on many occasions. He comes from a broken family and I don't think he was given much guidance. He is nothing like our daughter. She has always been very active with school activities and is a high achiever. She is attending college with a very good academic scholarship. She is in the honors program and was a cheerleader. She had plans to go to law school. She should never have been with him. I don't understand why she was attracted to him and feel as if a marriage will only end in disaster. She is lost and seems to feel that marriage is the only answer. I really don't know what to do. I pray and pray and feel as if God has not been listening to me. He didn't split them up, He didn't protect her and help her make good choices and now He didn't change this situation. I feel really lost.



posted by: Debra (reply)
post date: 01.11.08 (4:49 pm)

The boyfriend, well, he is not in school, delivers pizzas for a job and is trying to break into the music business in a band. I just don't see how he will support a family for many years to come. We don't like him. He says that he is a christian, but I just don't see it. He has been caught lying to us and to our daughter on many occasions. He comes from a broken family and I don't think he was given much guidance. He is nothing like our daughter. She has always been very active with school activities and is a high achiever. She is attending college with a very good academic scholarship. She is in the honors program and was a cheerleader. She had plans to go to law school. She should never have been with him. I don't understand why she was attracted to him and feel as if a marriage will only end in disaster. She is lost and seems to feel that marriage is the only answer. I really don't know what to do. I pray and pray and feel as if God has not been listening to me. He didn't split them up, He didn't protect her and help her make good choices and now He didn't change this situation. I feel really lost.



posted by: Lisa (reply)
post date: 05.01.08 (3:59 pm)

My 17 year old daughter and I are very close. She told me that she missed her period and wanted a pregnancy test. We went to the doctors and her test was positive. We cried together and she said, ' I can't have this baby, I'm to young.' Her mind has changed many times regarding her decision to keep the baby or not. Today we went to her OBGYN and she had an ultrasound. She is now 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. We briefly talked to the doctor about her options and she needs to decide this week if she wants to schedule an abortion or not. My husband and I have made it clear that we are 'pro-life' and we will help her raise her baby, however we will support her with either decision. As of yesterday I felt like I was split 50/50 as to what is the best thing to do for everyone involved. I felt confident that I could trust my daughters decision and I would be okay with either choice she made... Then I took my daughter to a place yesterday where they sat her down and informed her in detail about her options. She wasn't very happy with me because she has been trying to block it out and does not want to face reality. I thought that she might change her mind about aborting her baby but today she told me to make the appointment to terminate her pregnancy. When I made the call to the doctor I had tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat, and felt like I was going to vomit (and I still do). I want to support her but it is so difficult. My heart is breaking and now that she has made her decision I feel like it is so wrong and it hurts so badly. I can't understand why she won't let my husband and I raise the child since she feels that she is too young to do it herself. I can't wrap my brain around aborting a life that was given to you by God. I even told my daughter that she was "my little mistake" and I didn't think twice about not aborting her even though I was only 22 with 2 other small children and I was living with an abusive boyfriend with barely enough money to get by. I know that she is not me and I don't want to feel this way about her decision. It is so hard to look at her right now - I feel like she can see my pain without me saying anything. I don't want to make her feel guilty for her decision. Please help me understand... Please help me see why she made this choice... Please give me the strength to be a supportive loving mother to my daughter while she goes through this...


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 05.01.08 (4:37 pm)

Reply to: Lisa
I feel you are right that it is ultimately her decision. And you have told her that you will support her, whatever decision she makes. Don't say it if you do not mean it. She certainly does not need a simmering guilt and anger and resentment from her parents, the very ones who must support her. A 17-year-old has so much growing and maturing to do- she is going to need you bigtime in order to work through these chaotic and crazy years, and become the mature and godly woman she is intended to be.

I'm pro-life. Surely the aborting of a 5 1/2 week old developing fetus is a tragedy, and not within the perfect plan of God. And maybe yet, with the prayers of many, and your love- and for you to give her some breathing room to consider and pray about the matter- she could very well choose a different course. Your testimony of choosing to give birth, even when you had two children and an abusive boyfriend, is powerful. That speaks to her- you've got to believe it.

I've considered this issue of abortion quite a bit. A couple of years ago I wrote a series of posts on the subject. They did not seem to be very pleasing to either side of the debate, but they emerged from my heart after much soul-searching. I know many good people believe that human life begins with conception. I'm not sure that is a biblical absolute, clearly and irrefutably stated. I'm just not sure you can equate those dividing cells with a human being. Somewhere along the way, in my opinion, it happens. The developing child becomes a human soul. When? Maybe when brain waves develop, maybe when the heart starts to beat? I certainly think it is before the point of viability, but I just don't think it is at the moment of conception.

So, here's the challenge: Your daughter did not know she was pregnant until she missed her period, and then took the pregnancy test. How much time had elapsed- 5 1/2 weeks? If she is going to do this, she is smart to understand that it needs to happen quickly.

Again, these are just my opinions. Please take and leave as your heart dictates.

My 17-year-old daughter became pregnant. We gave her the same option as you have given your daught. From the beginning, she wanted to keep her child. In retrospect, I believe she intentionally became pregnant because she wanted to have a child- which is not a smart thing for a kid in high school. Anyhow, she brought Skylar into the world. I was saying to others that I would not be an enabler with my daughter, that I would intentionally be standoffish so that she would learn her lesson. Well, I have had to eat those words! Skylar has been the joy of my life, and has enormously enriched every part of my being. I could not imagine life without her. If your daughter will give you the chance, I feel in my heart that you and your husband would be the same. Tell her that!

Today is National Day Of Prayer. I'm at the church, right now, having just finished a session of prayer. I am going to return to the sanctuary and pray for your family. God bless you. There will be light and good ahead for you and your daughter.

Please continue to communicate with me about this.




posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 05.01.08 (5:28 pm)

Reply to: Lisa
David asked me if I would like to reply to your post and after reading,I felt that I wanted to. By the way, I am his wife.
When my 17 year old came home and told us that she was pregnant, It just about broke our hearts. My Katie was wild and we were not close. In fact, when she became pregnant she was not living at home with us.
We have raised three children. As I look back I have not agreed with many of their decisions. Right now, my oldest daughter has chosen to have a relationship with a non Christian. My son has decided to enter the military and my other daughter who was pregnant just broke up with her boyfriend in whom she was living with. When my children decide to make a decision, unfortunately, we have little say- especially when they are the age of your daughter. With whatever decision that they decide to go with, that is what they have to live with. We can not make these decisions even though we know what is best for them.
What I would do if I was you, is that I would totally give everything to God. Tell God that you can not handle this and he has got to take over. When I do this, God has a way of totally working things out. Now, God may not change her mind and she might get an abortion, but "everything works together for good for those who love God." I have quoted and quoted that scripture because I have had to hold onto it. I know that before Katie had got pregnant, I had prayed to God for her not to become pregnant because I could see the road that she was on. Finally, I had to come to a point in which I told God, whatever happens, happens because I know that God is in control because I have prayed. Yes, Katie became pregnant even after I had prayed that prayer but God turn a bad situation into a great blessing. If Katie had decided to abort the baby, I would feel the same way that you do. But I would have to come to a point in which I would have to give God total control of the situation.If you don't, and you try to take over yourself, you could possibly hurt this close relationship that you have with your daughter. The number one and most important thing to remember is to keep the relationship that you have with your daughter. Now, Katie is not where she should be. She has a lot more growing up to do, but one thing that I can say, is that David and I have always kept a relationship with her even though she has made decisions (like moving in with her boyfriend) hurtful to us. I would love to communicate with you more. If you would like to get my e-mail address ,please write to David on his T-mail address.



posted by: Lisa (reply)
post date: 05.04.08 (6:47 pm)

Thank you both so much for your comforting words. Soon after I wrote to you I cried my eyes out and prayed to God to help my daughter make the right decision. The same night she told me that she was having cramps and spotting. I took her to the doctor and it does not seem that the fetus is growing. We were told that she is either miscarrying or she has a tubal pregnancy. They did blood work to measure her pregnancy hormone levels and will repeat the test again on Monday. If her levels have dropped, she is miscarrying, if the levels have stayed the same or increased, she most likely has a tubal pregnancy. As of today Nicole's cramps have gotten much more painful and her spotting is now heavy bleeding.
God heard me - he has taken it out of Nicole's hands and spared her from having to make this decision. I never thought that I would be thankful for this to happen, but I am. I just hope that everything physically progressed as it should have and tomorrow her levels will be at zero. I will update you as soon as I know.


posted by: Bonnie (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (9:52 am)

I am right in the midst of the same situation--my beautiful 16-year-old daughter is pregnant. My heart is broken! She is our only daughter. She does not want this baby. She does not want to go to school pregnant. She does not want the whole world to know. She doesn't even want her dad (we are separated) to know. To her it seems abortion is the one and only answer--quick and fast.
However, her 19-year-old boyfriend wants her to have the baby and possibly consider adoption.
I am so against abortion. I believe this child, which may be a mistake in our eyes, is indeed a true gift from God (Ps 127:3).
At her age I know that I must give the okay for an abortion, but I don't think I can do that. Is a 16-year-old truly able to make that decision?
I feel as though she has put me in a terrible possition -- choose her or choose God. I know that God does not tempt us, but He does require us to obey and believe. Right now I'm struggling with obeying. I'm afraid this is some sort of test ...and I don't want to fail God, but what about Megan? I don't want to upset God and I don't want my baby to have to go through this either--although it was her choice to have pre-marital sex. I've always taught her that there are consequences to every action. But what are the consequences for her? A baby to raise? or a murder?
I am rambling, but I am struggling with this so much.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (10:02 am)

Reply to: Bonnie
Certainly I can connect with your pain at this time. I also can understand how confused and frightened she must be. Hopefully she has someone who can offer her wise guidance and friendship as she processes this situation- perhaps an uncle/aunt, neighbor, minister, etc. I encourage you to pray for her and give her unconditional love. Guilt and threat turn out to be very poor motivation. I understand how you feel about abortion, and you certainly should communicate such to your daughter- but do it with love in your heart and kindness in your voice. I'll be praying for you, and would like to hear from you in the near future.

Look through this particular post, and especially at all the interaction in the replies. My original reason to start blogging was a way to process my daughter's pregnancy. It was therapeutical, and really made a difference to have an audience of understanding folk who were not part of my immediate neighborhood.

God bless!


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (10:06 am)

Reply to: Lisa
I understand your mixture of relief and sadness with how matters have developed. God is at work, and as you imply, to trust Him is the wisest thing to do. Keep loving your daughter. Oh, and in my opinion, get her on birth control pills. This is not to condone premarital sex, but a prudent thing to do to avoid a repeat of the situation. One day she will grow up to be a mature adult who will make a positive impact upon our world, and how you have helped her through times like this will make the difference. God bless, and stay in touch.



posted by: Brenda (reply)
post date: 05.18.08 (10:40 am)

i just learned that my 16 y.o daughter is pregnant, I'm so angry... i just got my life back. I too, was a teenage mom. i had my first baby at 16, i have 5 children total. i've been divorced twice. the last time was 2 years ago. I'm 47 years old. i put myself through nursing school and have a great job that i love and a man in my life that i adore. I was looking forward to finally having some time for myself. i have 4 grandbabies that i adore but, i don't want to raise any of them. I feel in my heart that Shelby did this on purpose. She was on the pill and her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years was using a condom. It would be impossible to get pregnant if they were truly using these things.[ I checked her pills daily to make sure she was taking them and i believe that she was throwing them away] Her boyfriend, David is a loser. No job, junk car, wears big, sloppy clothes . piercings..
You say to love her, but, how do i get over being angry, as this has affected my life too.
I don't know if she's keeping the baby or not. I'm pretty sure whe wants to..I am active in my church but, since she's been with him she hasn't been going.
My ex is verbally abusive. He doesn't have a lot to do with Shelbey and i know when he finds this out he will have a field day.. this is going to be my fault!!!

any words of help would be appreciated...thank you


posted by: Bonnie (reply)
post date: 06.19.08 (9:14 am)

Pastor Dave,
It's been well over a month since I found your blog with the news that my 16-year-old was also pregnant. I loved her and kept loving her. I told her how I felt. I showed her pictures of babies (not a fetus) in the womb. I showed her what abortion does/is/means to me. In the end though I told her this was her decision. She chose abortion, and so we opted for the abortion pill. In my mind this was a miscarrage. At least that's what I'm sticking with. And, if ever asked, she can always say the same.
She and her boyfriend are still together. He is a wonderful guy--in my mind, the forever after kind of guy. Yes, she is now on the pill.
Guess my story has a happy ending...although I know I would have made a wonderful grandma. It simply wasn't the right time for my baby to have a baby. Someday...
Thank you for your blog, advice, and kind words!


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 06.22.08 (4:28 pm)

Reply to: Bonnie
As I write this reply, we are having VBS at our church. I'm taking a break in the office. I've got mixed emotions about how things have worked out with your situation, as do you, I imagine. You gave it your best shot, letting your daughter know how you felt, and yet showing her the respect she must have. She made her choice. Now, your challenge is to have peace with her choice. And, of course, to help her to not find herself in the same dilemma again. You seem to me a great mother. I'll be praying for you and your daughter.



posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 06.22.08 (4:32 pm)

Reply to: Brenda
So, I'm wondering how things are going? I find these matters tend to work toward what is best when you firmly resolve to communicate and work together on the issues, and never give up. You're right- it's not fair. But you made a commitment to sacrificially love as only a mother can do. I'm sure you will do what is right, and not necessarily go with what you feel you deserve at this stage of life. Keep praying. Keep working hard to love your daughter. Communicate with honesty and love. And, I believe you will be alright.

Soon I'm going to write a etailed follow-up with my daughter's situation. She is doing well, and truly her little girl is the light of my life. My story, so far, has a very happy ending. Not one I would have chosen, but a good story anyhow.

God bless. Please continue to communicate.



posted by: Brenda (reply)
post date: 06.24.08 (2:09 pm)

hi Pastor Dave
well, things are not going very well. Shelby and i argue quite a lot. [this is not really new] - i do love her and i want what is best for her, i just don't like her a whole lot right now. She is planning to keep this baby. Shelby is very immature for her age and i don't see how on earth she can be a mom right now. I will have to be the responsible party in this baby's life for a while.
They told me at the dr's office that because she is pregnant at 16 that she is an emmancipated minor. So, now Shelby wants to move out and get an appt. with David [ baby daddy ] he's 18. They both have just part=time jobs. there is no way they can afford to live by themselves. Shelby's dad is no help. He just wants to blame me for all of it. David's mom is an enabler.. and every time this subject comes up -- she goes to the bedroom with a headache. [ this is according to her live-in boyfriend of 7 years ] [ who by the way is on my side - he is very sad/angry about this whole thing, as am i ]
I told David's mom [Dana] that we needed to sit down with these kids and come up with a plan of action for them..we are supposed to meet this week.
Thes kids have absolutely no idea what is in store for them..and the sad part is that they don't want to listen to anyone.
I am so tired of arguing with her. If she doesn't straighten out she may have to go live somewhere else. I really don't want this to happen but, i don't know what else to do. I can't live with the arguing and the disrespect.
She has been to counselors and tried anti-depressants. [ didn't like the counselors ..quit taking the meds. after a while ]

I try to talk to her - she " doesn't want to talk about it" if i tell her things she doesn't want to hear.

Am i doing the right thing?

Your Name:


Your Comment: