posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (4:35 pm)
I am the product of a preacher's daughter who got pregnant at 16.
God bless you all!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (4:43 pm)
Wow. I really wrestled with whether to post this story, and almost hit "delete" instead of "enter". But I just sensed that good would come from it. Thanks for your reminder and affirmation of the goodness that comes to life, even messy matters of life.
posted by:
LadyG (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (4:56 pm)
Pastor Dave I have been through this same thing with my daughter and know all about the hurt, shame and gossip. My husband is not the pastor but he is head of the deacon board. I can remember the tears thinking she is to young plus I felt like I was not ready to become a grandmother. The difference is that she and the young man came and told us together that he loved her and wanted to marry her. They eventially got married and she had the most beautiful baby. As for the people in the church, I would say that this is when you truly find out who your friends are. Lots of prayers will be said for you and your family, and with Gods help you will make it.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (5:00 pm)
Reply to: LadyG
Again, thank you for your amazing words of honesty and encouragement. That moment of honesty with the world, when I stopped trying to hide the matter from everybody, was scary and liberating. I'll share about it in the next post.
Are the two still together? And the baby, I imagine is a source of great joy in your life.
Thanks.
posted by:
keidz (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (5:11 pm)
it's a humbling experience, sharing personal stories like this. i'm happy that ur daughter chose to do the right thing, that is, carry her child to term. i believe even if this is quite a shock to all of you, there is a reason why it happened. goodluck to all of you for the coming of ur grandchild. Ü
posted by:
newbie (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (5:35 pm)
Reply to: keidz
Thanks. I believe not only did she do the right thing, but she also made a very brave choice. Abortion is quick, final, and in this day and age fairly acceptable. And she would not be tied down with this child for the next 20 years. So I salute her for making a brave choice.
posted by:
SnuggleB163 (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (5:50 pm)
I am not a preachers daughter but at age 17 i was raped and became pregnate by my boyfriend he did not want the child so he beat me up... I wont ever forget that and i am glad she chose to carry her babie because life is so prescious.. If i could have i would have kept my babie..... Just love her and her babie with all your heart.... She will really need the support right now..... But not to be mean its about her now.. You should not worry about what people think of you.. because those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind and will support you and your family
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (5:57 pm)
Reply to: SnuggleB163
Two responses:
What a terrible experience, and how huge of you to be willing to share it. I would never condemn you for the choices forced upon you, and I appreciate the gentle nudge about my tendency to make a statement that cannot fit neatly into all circumstances.
And, you are so right, this is ultimately not about me, but her. That will be the gist of what I communicate in the coming days.
I have had some members of my church, fine and upstanding persons, relay some very interesting experiences from their past. When we share our struggles, we all grow stronger.
Thanks. God bless.
posted by:
LadyG (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (7:08 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
They are separeted at this time but have never divorced. the child is a constant source of joy. I am one of the best grandmas you have ever seen.
posted by:
mblog (
reply)
post date:
01.05.06 (7:36 pm)
If you felt guilt or shame about this, then you have to ask yourself what you did that was shameful, or what you did that made you guilty of something. Perhaps if you look deep down, you'll find something, but I don't see it here.
I see a good person who ended up in an uncomfortable situation. It might be through no fault of your own, or there may be things I don't know. Either way, I am not in a position to judge.
You mentioned that the community frowns on these sorts of things. Apparently, they think they are in a position to judge. Perhaps this situation will help you keep things in perspective and will be a blessing in the long run.
I agree with your thoughts on abortion as an option. Having a baby at her age will be difficult. It will change her life forever. It will affect her ability to go to school or work or even get a night out. But when the baby comes, she will love that baby and you will love that baby. The thought of not having that child will seem inconceivable in a few years.
I just hope that you keep telling your daughter that you love her and will support her.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (3:26 am)
Reply to: LadyG
You wrote they loved one another when they married.
I know couples who married because of a pregnancy, for the sake of the child. Like I wrote, I do not believe that is necessarily wise.
Some worked hard at the relationship and remained committed, and found a good marriage. Some, most did not work out. But I do admire such commitment to do what is perceived to be right. Given all the obstacles faced with such a decision, it is an honorable thing to do.
My daughter and this young man seem to have almost no communication. He is off at College. However, his parents are good people, and his mom will be attending an upcoming baby shower. She seems excited about this little one.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (3:34 am)
Reply to:
The concept of "community" is pretty much gone in this area, swallowed up by subdivisions and constant change. The only real community left is the church. The Bible teaches that fornication is a sin. So, if we are not careful, we put a scarlet letter on the young couple who are "living together" or the young lady who is pregnant "out of wedlock". I am very aware of this tendency, and thus embarassed. I'm working on it; it's my problem. I don't think we would have been able to survive this crisis at a small-town church.
Love her and support her? That's the plan. I tell K that I love her, and try to spend time and communicate with her. I do not speak with condemnation.
I do not want to encourage a repeat of this matter by being her financial enabler. There is responsibility in this matter that she must accept. And, I think she will.
posted by:
LadyG (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (6:14 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
Yes they were together about 7 or 8 yrs before he started having affairs. he is still a part of the family. I told him that he failed as a husband but is just a wonderful father.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (6:17 am)
Reply to: LadyG
You are wise, and mature, in your relationship with this man. I hope your daughter is doing well.
posted by:
hardtoimagine (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (7:05 am)
I just clicked on a link to your blog out of the blue. I can certainly appreciate the struggle that you have with this. My father is a pastor also. At the age of 18 I became pregnant and had an abortion because I couldn't stand to face my dad and the disappointment that he would surely have had in me. Years later, at 25, my single sister became pregnant. Even though she was an adult, my father still had a very difficult time dealing with it. But, now, 6 years later as I look back on things I realize that her son is the one thing that brought my family back together after a very difficult time in our lives. We had all strayed a bit and now we are closer than we have ever been. I'm sure there were other factors, but when my nephew was born we were all there and have given that child so much love. I don't know where we would be today without him.
posted by:
sweetsue (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (7:14 am)
I know that being a preacher,and the child of a preacher is very hard,as others look up to you and at you..but remember what is inside..and neither you,your family or your daughter who really needs the love and guidance now are any different ..Those in the community and church that truly know you and your family will love you no matter what...and once that bundle of joy is put into your arms..your heart will melt..and all you will think and care about is the love and joy you feel..the joy that little granddaughter will give you...and you are an example whether a preacher or not..that we are not perfect..no one is...bless you and your family..and good luck with the new addition to the family that soon will be a big part of your lives...Peace Be With You.
posted by:
sweetsue (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (7:14 am)
And...hope to see pictures of the sweet little bundle posted here ^-^
posted by:
LadyG (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (8:00 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
She is doing very well. She went back to schoo and is now a nurse. She lives with me and he has a key to the house as he is still part of the family.
posted by:
ruined (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (8:30 am)
You've got my attention. I have 3 girls of my own. They are only 7 years old, 5 years old, and 2 years old, but I know the struggles are still up ahead. My 7 year old is our little wild child and I see this situation as a real possibility in our future, as well. So, any wisdom I could obtain would be wisdom well placed.
posted by:
preceptlady (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (8:41 am)
My friend....
Growing up as a child my mother reinforced this one principle "Don't get pregnant before you get married." If I heard it once, I heard it thousands of times.
What did I do, I got pregnant before I was married. My mother went balistic and locked herself in the bathroom for hours. My dad was very supportive.
I know my actions hurt my parents terribly because as parents we want to see our children successful and do things right. We want to save them from the hurt we know is coming.
Abortion was not an option then. I carried the baby 8 1/2 months and the last two weeks of the pregnancy I carried the baby dead. Induction of labor on a dead child was not an option.
I married the father of the child when I was three months pregnant.
One thing I can encourage you to do for your daughter.....show her unconditional love but remind her there are consequences (in a very loving way), make her responsible and always be there for her. Listen to her when she has fears and she will. Don't remind her of what she has done. That is the past..focus on the future. Help her get on her feet with the baby. Independance is important.
Love her with a firm hand. She will thank you for it later. :)
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (12:29 pm)
Reply to: hardtoimagine
Wow, thanks for sharing. I think I would benefit from hearing more of your story. Had you told your dad about your pregnancy, I wonder if he would have found a way to love and support you through it? I think people of true character are able to work through the challenges of life and come out on top. You guys proved yourselves to be true family with the way you rallied around your sister in her great time of need. That's what we are trying to do. It is not a storybook scenario, but its working so far.
Please stay in touch. I could use comments from you as we go along.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (12:32 pm)
Reply to: sweetsue
An example.
It just seems I can sense alot of people breathing a big sigh of relief in my presense, as if they are saying, "This guy is like me. He has problems, like me. He can relate to me. And, God understands." Boy, this "school of life" sure isn't easy to graduate!
Sue, you always have quality comments. Thanks.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (12:35 pm)
Reply to: LadyG
I am glad she is moving on with her life, whether this guy comes back as her husband or not. And, no one deserves to have a philandering husband. If he considers her to be worth it, he will change. If he still has time.
May daughter, K, wants to be a nurse. She will graduate from High School this May, and is now looking into local nursing programs. I am glad she has a plan for her life, to make something of her life and to take care of little Skyler.
God bless.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (12:40 pm)
Reply to: ruined
I'm not too good with parental advice right now!
Let me say this: Those preteen years you have with your children are times of training, sort of like Spring Training for baseball/football. Give it your very best effort. Instill all the love and example and time you can. I can almost guarantee that the teen years will be a challenge. For some, their teens give them no problems, and they can't relate to someone like me. For the 90% of the rest of us, toon years are stormy years. Hang on. Love. Never give up. Never stop praying. I believe they will make it through those years with your love and guidance. Kinda like "...the valley of the shadow of death". Then one day, I believe, you'll look and, lo and behold, your children will have developed into fine adults.
That's the scenario I am looking toward, and praying for.
God bless. Please stay in touch.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (12:56 pm)
Reply to: preceptlady
Don't remind her of what she has done. That is the past..focus on the future.
I think that is good advice.
You have shared some really challenging matters in your life. I appreciate that these have made you kinder and more loving, not bitter and hard.
Thanks for gracious words.
I trust you continue to heal from your surgery, and maybe by now you've graduated from pureed food? God bless.
posted by:
Sillygrrl3 (
reply)
post date:
01.08.06 (11:22 am)
Dear Pastor Dave, Your sharing is beautiful. I was pregnant at 21 and never told my parents I had an abortion. I was pregnant the next year and told them. I know it is hard for parents to hear from their kids and especially Christian Pastor's to hear and struggle through. My mother is a pastor, and the line you have about the people who already don't like you having proof of their dislike is true. Thank you for your honesty. THank you for the love you are showing your little girl. My prayers and thoughts and hugs are with you and your family!
Kara
posted by:
graceshaker (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (2:56 pm)
this obviously wasnt easy but its inspiring to see a pastor who will be open and honest with their struggles. this past sunday night my lead pastor shared with us the immanent divorce of his daughter after only 6 months of marriage. he was heartbroken and it brought tears to my eyes just hearing it tho i barely know his daughter. like teenage pregnancy divorce is all too common. both my sisters and all my immediate cousins have been divorced. im the only one in the family who is still with my first wife and thats nothing short of a miracle.
this is the world we live in - sinful and harsh. unforgiving. but that is all the more reason its so important for followers of christ to be loving and compassionate. i see these things in you despite whatever doctrinal differences we may have and i am drawn to the authenticity i find in your words.
i consider you a friend pastor dave tho weve never met and prolly wont. tonight and in the future i will be lifting you up before the throne.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (3:21 pm)
Reply to: graceshaker
"...this is the world we live in - sinful and harsh. unforgiving. but that is all the more reason its so important for followers of christ to be loving and compassionate." This is a great statement. I want it to be a theme of my life, a catalyst for how I treat others, and how I deal with the "sinner".
Doctrinal differences don't necessarily have to be a barrier. There's just a few that really matter. Right?
That you will pray for me is the greatest compliment. I am humbled.
You know, alot of times I just don't know how to adequately respond to your blogs. They are puzzling, and my mind is usually simple, and so I sometimes write something that doesn't really fit. And such will probably continue!
posted by:
BronwynJ (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (6:29 pm)
These words of yours have troubled me:
"I do not want to encourage a repeat of this matter by being her financial enabler. There is responsibility in this matter that she must accept. And, I think she will."
I hope that you will accept your responsibility to provide for your 17 year old daughter. At what age do fathers stop financially supporting their children where you live, in your society?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (5:36 pm)
Reply to: BronwynJ
Well, I know of several who are now financially supporting not only their children, but grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. That just does not seem fair to me.
K is bright, and capable, and hard working. If I make this baby too easy for her, then I am afraid she may feel encouraged to go and do it again. On friend and fellow church member has a daughter, in her mid-30's, who has had two children, spurred by knowing her mom will raise the kids while she continues an out-of-control life.
If K will learn and grow from this experience, which I believe she will, then things will be fine. I hope she stays in our house. I want her to graduate from High School this May, and go on to College. She has such plans for nursing school. I want her to work after the baby comes along, to enable her to be responsible and independent.
I've told her I will make a wonderful grandfather to Skylar, her child. Not daddy. I think that's fair, and loving.
Now, when that little one actually comes upon the scene, I'll probably have to revisit some of these words!
I have come to appreciate and respect your thoughts. Thanks.
posted by:
graceshaker (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (8:23 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
wow - something i said as a lifetheme? we may have to get kurtmaddox to approave that. Ü
dont sweat my blogs. just talk with me. its how i learn. and ive learned a lot from you brother.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.12.06 (8:04 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
Don't flatter yourself too much! You didn't come up with the idea of unconditional love for others. Of course, you can always try to get a patent.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.12.06 (12:06 pm)
Reply to: graceshaker
Don't flatter yourself too much! You didn't come up with the idea of unconditional love for others. Of course, you can always try to get a patent.
posted by:
DrForbush (
reply)
post date:
01.13.06 (2:28 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
I am so glad that you posted this; life experiences tend to make me think about reality instead of the hypothetical. It sounds like you are handling the situation quite well - better than I would. I also have a teen daughter a couple of years younger than yours. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders, but then you never know what might happen. I would expect more trouble from my next two daughters, because they tend to be wilder.
One thing that you said bothered me:
"If I make this baby too easy for her, then I am afraid she may feel encouraged to go and do it again."
The reason that I am bothered by this is that people, and especially children don't always think in these terms. They have a whole range of ways of dealing with life. For some fraction they may actually think to themselves that they don't want to get involved with the opposite sex, because of what happened last time. But in reality they want to be loved and making life more difficult may just make them seek more love from someone else. They may look at your lesson as a lack of love. We need to remember that there are the words and the actions.
I haven't read your other entries on this yet because I wanted to read them in order. Thanks again for sharing and I'll be praying for you...
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.13.06 (5:07 pm)
Reply to: DrForbush
I am thankful for you, and especially for your prayers.
Others have expressed a concern about the same statement. What I am saying is that I do not want to be an enabler. A couple of my friends have teenage daughters, similar to K, who had babies. Both have made things very easy for their daughters. They basically are raising the child, while their daughters continue with an out of control life. Now, my girl is showing all the sign of responsibility at this point. She works hard, she is staying out of trouble, she is being respectful of her body during this time of pregnancy, she is choosing good company, etc. When the child comes, I want her to continue to live with us. But I also want her to help pay the bills and have a plan for her life. She intends to go to nursing school, which I think is great.
As to her thinking about matters differently than myself, you are so right. This is a very puzzling aspect of our relationship. She just does not analyze matters and make decisions with the same minset as myself. I'm coming to accept that.
We have had the benefit, together, of professional counselling for over a year now. It has been of great help, and I would recommend it to any family going through similar crises.
Hope you find something worthwhile in the rest of the story.
posted by:
Vannie (
reply)
post date:
05.12.06 (11:28 pm)
I can empathize. At 18 my oldest daughter got pregnant by a guy who was trying to use her to get into the country. He married her and because of a miracle from God he got deported. She moved back home with her young infant son and we are enjoying helping her raise him. She is working full time and going back to school in the fall. I had to really pray for/ and talk a lot with my husband about unconditional love and most of the time he is doing quite well. He loves his grandson. Now we are experiencing a similar situation with my youngest daughter. It is so hard because you really feel like you have failed your children when you can't protect them. We have been quite active Christians in the church also.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.13.06 (4:31 am)
Reply to: Vannie
I have not visited this post in a while, and am glad that it still has value.
Sky, our grandaughter, was born March 1. She is a great addition to our family, very healthy, and constantly loved and fawned over. K seems to be doing well. She has a job making $10 per hour, working 4p -9p Mon-Fri. She will be graduating in two weeks, and is already enrolled for the local Jr College. She still seems attracted to the wrong kinds of companions, and that troubles me. But she brings Sky to church most Sundays, and seems to have responded well to our love. For me, the bitterness and anger are gone. I am at peace that K is a unique individual who will make her own way in life, and there are limits to my influence. I pray for her all the time. And my church has been magnificent through it all, an amazing group of truly godly folk.
So, now you are going through it again? I cannot imagine how tough that must be. God gives grace, sufficient grace, I know. You do not deserve this. But, it is really not about you. People do foolish things.
I would appreciate if you would visit back, and share how things are going. God bless.
posted by:
tina (
reply)
post date:
08.28.06 (9:07 am)
Just four days ago I found out that my seventeen year old daughter is pregnant.......I am so lost. My husband is angry and trying to come to terms with it and thinking about the backlash of the community. We live in a small town. I too had became pregnant at seventeen with my daughter who is now going thru the same thing so I am also dealing with the guilt. I found your blog and I was hoping for someone to tell me how to fix the situation. Make everyone happy and not loose myself into the dark. I blame myself. There is no doubt she will be keeping the baby because of the way I raised her. No one could make that choice for me and she feels that way too. The father wants to marry her and they have been together a year and I know they are in love. My husband wants to hurt the boy but her dosnt understand I didnt have that her father left and has only seen her once. I married my husband when she was four and he is her father. I will check back for comments soon I hope someone hears me.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.30.06 (5:43 pm)
Reply to: tina
You probably realize there is no way to fix everything and make everybody happy. These kinds of messes are not easily resolved.
I guess you have read about my ordeal. I'm a pastor, conservative socially and in theology. I believe and preach that sex is intended for the marriage relationship. And I think my life and family are to be an example for others. So, my daughter's pregnancy really hit me hard. It sucked all the joy out of me. I was too numb to feel much of anything. so, during that time, I sought to function on what I knew instinctively to be right. It was my ongoing faith in God, conditioned over many years, that carried me through.
Now I knew it was right to be loving toward my daught. I did not feel very loving, but I still behaved with what I thought to be proper self-giving love. The emotions were not there- just the actions. And, really, love is not an emotion but an action.
The reall breakthrough, for me, came when the baby was born. As I held Skylar, anger and resentment poured out of me and sweet love poured it. It was truly a mystical, magical experience. I believe the same can happen for you guys. Do what you know to be right, even when the "feeling" is not there. Love your daughter with unconditional, unearned love- love in action. She may or may not comprehend or appreciate what you do, but still it is right and good.
Now, as far as what others think, I say you should let go and give them opportunity to do what is right. For sure, some will probably shake their heads in judgment. But I believe the vast majority will prove to be good and loving, and will end up being great blessings to you. If you have a community of faith- a church- set aside your reservations and let them love you at this time. If they are anything close to being what they are supposed to be, then you will have on your side a great source of strength.
Give your husband some space, and don't say too much negative toward what he may say about this matter. Just pray for him, and give it some time. He sounds like a good man, and he will come through for you.
Please write back, and we'll work through some of these issues together. I'm honored that you have come my way. God bless.
posted by:
Wmom (
reply)
post date:
10.17.06 (7:29 pm)
Thank you for this site. My husband and I have been having marital problems for a few years, and my love for him has been slowly dying. We recently found out our 16 year old, my birth daughter/his stepdaughter, is pregnant. She was 4 months when we found out, she is now 6 months along. We didn't even know she was seeing anyone, because she wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend or date. The boy is someone she has known for 2 years and she met him at church.
I was distraught when I found out, and my husband became out of control. He smacked her, and followed her throughout the house calling her ugly names. I tried to calm him down, but couldn't, and eventually called the police for assistance. He's a good father, but we see things differently, which is the main problem between me and him. Before the police arrived, my husband called family members over from both sides; he eventually ended up kicking my sister's husband out of our house. My brother-in-law also called the police because he was concerned - there were no other males in the house to calm my husband down. My husband was eventually arrested and now is awaiting a court hearing.
I have been having a hard time trying to mend my family. I have suggested a separtion to my husband, but he doesn't want to do this because we have two younger children together. I have forgiven my daughter, and plan on being there for her and the baby. My husband says he has forgiven my daughter, but he is stilling holding on to a lot of anger. He doesn't want my sister or her family over to our house; and he prefers that me and my girls have little contact with her and her family. He doesn't even want them calling the house, so they call my cellphone. I have distanced myself a little from them because I don't want my sister or her family to have to deal with my husband's anger. He and I have gotten into a lot of arguments because I tell him he is too controlling. I know my family did what they thought they had to do keep me and my daughter safe. My husband doesn't understand that it was his behavior that landed him in jail. He just complaints that he had to use his savings for court fees.
My daugther's natural father is also upset, but he's forgiven him and has told me that things will work out.
The boy is 2 years older than and wants to be involved in his child's life, but my husband is going to make this very hard. My husband wants to take a restraining out on the boy. He doesn't want the boy anywhere around our house, which will make it difficult for him to see the baby once she is born unless I drive my daughter and the baby to see him somewhere outside of our home. The boy's parents are very supportive, and my husband and I have sat down and talked to them. I know them from church - my husband didn't attend with us because he didn't like the church or pastor, so he just stayed home.
I tried to explain to my husband that he needs to forgive, and be supportive so that we can guide these kids to be responsible parents. Is there anything you can suggest to help me.
I will be seeking counseling for myself and my daughter, who is still in school and doing well. I have suggest anger counseling to my husband and think the courts will be order ordering this.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.17.06 (8:15 pm)
Reply to: Wmom
What a tough situation. It is a real shame that your husband has decided to be part of the problem, instead of your help-mate. You've got your hands full with your children, so this man is going to have to either be a positive help or get out of the way. He hit your daughter? How dare he; I think he needs to absolutely assure your heart- your "mothers heart"- that he is deeply sorry for this and he will never do such a thing again. And I say if you have to choose between this man or your daughter, you choose the daughter.
Maybe he is a person of integrity who needs a jolt to wake him up. Maybe the court action is part of the solution.
I wish I could say to just give him some time, some space. But his actual physical violence is a big red flag. Has he done anything like this before?
Your daughter is not a "slut...trash" or any other derogatory term. She is someone who needs help, and support, and most of all love. The fact her connection with this boy has something to do with church is unfortunate, but you and I know that church people are not perfect. We all need God's grace, everyday.
I hope you continue to connect with church. Don't be secretive about what is going on, and don't feel any need to explain to your church friends. Church is about loving, not judging. If it is a good church, they will serve as your support system at this time. If not, find another church.
YOu are blessed to have what sounds like a good extended family. Keep them close- you and your daughter, and this coming little baby, need them. Your husband is foolish to try to force you to choose between them and himself.
God bless you. Please continue to let me know how things are going. I predict (and I'm not a prophet!) the immediate future holds some hard knocks for you, but also some tremendous blessings. You will be amazed at how you will grow as a person and as a Christian as you walk/crawl through this experience.
posted by:
Terry (
reply)
post date:
09.24.07 (10:44 pm)
Hi Pastor Dave. We just found out 2 weeks ago that our 20 year old daughter is expecting. She came in and told me the other day. I said, "you're joking right?" She has always been a straight arrow kid and always honest. I really think our culture plays such a huge role in influencing our kids. There are TV programs with so much sexual content, Cosmo magazines, etc. Not to justify that any of this is okay. We would never have dreamed this would happen to us in our family. I rehearsed this topic of not having sex before marriage repeatedly to her, as her mother, and she agreed. Luckily, she's been with her boyfriend for 5 year, and he wanted to marry her last December in 06 but our stipulation was that she finish college, get her degree, and then marry. I think her boyfriend didn't want to wait. I've wrestled with being angry off and on and know Christ wouldn't want me to be. I do feel a little scared for the future, as this type of thing always has some sort of consequence. And, as others wrote earlier, I don't want to be too nice and make it too easy, as I don't want this to be repeated and she feels that I will be there to raise her children while she works. I just feel so badly that her life will be extra hard, and I'm the softy that always steps in and gives and gives. Thanks everyone for your comments on this topic. I pray the Lord will bless it for good.
posted by:
Elizabeth (
reply)
post date:
11.03.07 (1:00 pm)
I came across your page trying to find help in accepting the fact our pastors daughter had three babies with three different guys. Trust me I have thougth about all of this awhile. She is not a Christian yet... What are your thoughts about this?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.03.07 (1:45 pm)
Reply to: Elizabeth
Three babies with three different guys? I need more details to give a more thorough reply. Some questions:
How old is she?
Has she been married to any of these guys?
Does she have severe emotional and/or mental challenges?
What kind of Deacon's kids has she been hanging out with?
The last question was tongue-in-cheek, but not entirely.
Your pastor is flesh and blood. He/she is not a perfect, nor entirely exemplary Christian. Assuming he is sincere about his Christian life, he has a calling that he is trying hard to fulfill. And I'm pretty sure he has not wanted his daughter to behave in such way. He has probably loved her, and sought to give proper example to her, and prayed for her, and instructed her, etc. However, about the age of sexual awareness and peak fertility, a young lady has become a free moral agent with lots of challenges in life. She just may choose to be sexually active outside of marriage even knowing such behavior is contrary to the teaches of Christ and the wishes of her parent. Persons of free choice can do that.
Three times? I'll bet that absolutely breaks the heart of her father, and her Heavenly Father. Did the man consult his church leadership about the matter? He would be foolish not to do so. And, if they are supportive, they should clearly make a statement of such support to the church. And, the love of your pastor for his daughter is amazing if she continues to live with him, and he helps with the support of her children. I know of a fine Christian lady, who incidentally is part of the ongoing blogging here at t-Blog, whose adult daughter has had numberous children outside of marriage. The daughter is a drug abuser, and her behavior is a sad result. The mother is exasperated by her daughter, but loves the children. Her love for her daughter has nothing warm-and-fuzzy. But it is a given. When do you stop loving your children? I'll do it the moment God stops loving His children.
If you can no longer support your pastor because of what has transpired, then you should be honest with him. Tell him clearly and prayerfully before you tell anyone else. Just make sure you spend a few sleepless days and nights in prayer about the entire situation, including your own heart.
Elizabeth, I do not know if you will ever read this. It seems I get quite a few comments, from time to time, on this one little post, but few give me any additional feedback. I would really like to hear further from you.
God bless you, your pastor, and his daughter.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.03.07 (1:48 pm)
Reply to: Terry
So, how are things going? My prayers are with your family. Would like to hear from you.
posted by:
Elizabeth (
reply)
post date:
11.04.07 (3:50 am)
Wow ! thanks for the quick reply! Ok, No she has never been married but living with the last guy. She is 26, or there about. She has no mental or emotional challenges that I know of. There is so much more to the story.
See, our church has been through the wringer. 2 Big splits and alot to do with people not liking our pastor and some because of his daughter.
In a nut shell, our church is falling apart , building included. I feel that is not important to our pastor as there have been work days and he has never showed up.
As hard as it is to say, his wife is judgemental and critical of so much.
Please believe me when even it it looks like i am, I have no one else to ask for their opinion.
Bottom line, when is it time to leave a church?
I have always believed I would stick it out but I am tired.... Thank you !! In our pastor's defense, I know he loves his daughter.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.06.07 (4:34 pm)
Reply to: Elizabeth
I think there are issues here that have little to do with your pastor's daughter. If he is a good pastor, then he and the church should be able to continue a relationship no matter the behavior of his adult daughter. I know how it works.... when things start going not so good in a church, then people start looking for a reason. And, the pastor is the easiest and simlest one to blame. It is like a ballteam that starts losing games. You can't really fire the whole team, although maybe you should, but you can change coaches. And sometimes it works. Surely your pastor is aware of this tendency and philosophy among churches? If things are going badly as you have said, then maybe he is making an effort to find another place of ministry. I am pastor of a Protestant, independant church. To find another place of ministry, I would have to send out resumes and work my contacts, pray, and wait. It takes months and even years to move on, and gets more difficult as you get older. May in confidence you should ask your pastor if he is working through this process, and if he is, then give him some time.
Here's another thought, and it may sound a bit blunt, but it is the truth: It is often a lot easier for you, as a disgruntled church member, to move your letter than for your pastor to move his family and his residence. If these differences are matters that you absolutely can't work through or give time to work out, then go somewhere else. Just a crass suggestion!
I will say that a mistake many of us ministers make is to stay too long at a church. There does come the time when one's ministry is no longer effective. The people become too comfortable. The minister has tried everything he can try. It becomes time for someone new, someone fresh. He would be wise to move on, and be that someone new and fresh for another church. I don't know that such is the case with your pastor. Surely he is praying about it. It is not your job to tell him to go. That would be God's responsibility. Matters become muddled when a pastor and/or a church are not listening to God, and rather fighting like school children.
I hope you are prayerful and wise and loving in every decision you make. I find this to be interesting, and of concern. Please feel free to interact some more if you would like. And, God bless.
posted by:
Elizabeth (
reply)
post date:
11.09.07 (2:33 am)
Hello Again ! You have great insight as to things that are on my mind and heart. As i dwell on things, I realize there is still so much to the story. I am going to be putting my thoughts together and continue this when I can find a way to make a long story short. I fell grateful that I may have someone to hear me out that is not involved in our church or town. Have a great day !!
posted by:
Debra (
reply)
post date:
01.09.08 (7:42 pm)
We are dealing with a similar situation. Our 18 year old daughter began college this fall, living in a dorm. Well, within 2 weeks of being on her own, she found herself pregnant from her boyfriend of 1 year. Ever since November, when my husband and I found out, we have been keeping this a secret from everyone. I sit an pray when ever possible that the "situation" will change. We are avoiding our friends, have not been going to church, and haven't even told our son who is away at college. Now, our daughter is home on an extended break, trying to decide if she will move back into the dorm and attend school for the Spring Semester. She will be 35 weeks during finals. She could live at home and commute to school if she wanted. We just don't know what would be best - to go to school pregnant, to live in the dorm pregnant, or maybe take the semester off and hopefully go back after the baby is born. Any suggestions for her and for us. We are so alone. We have thought of going to a crisis pregnancy center, but are afraid that some of the volunteers will be from our church.
Sorry this is so long.
posted by:
Debra (
reply)
post date:
01.09.08 (7:44 pm)
We are dealing with a similar situation. Our 18 year old daughter began college this fall, living in a dorm. Well, within 2 weeks of being on her own, she found herself pregnant from her boyfriend of 1 year. Ever since November, when my husband and I found out, we have been keeping this a secret from everyone. I sit an pray when ever possible that the "situation" will change. We are avoiding our friends, have not been going to church, and haven't even told our son who is away at college. Now, our daughter is home on an extended break, trying to decide if she will move back into the dorm and attend school for the Spring Semester. She will be 35 weeks during finals. She could live at home and commute to school if she wanted. We just don't know what would be best - to go to school pregnant, to live in the dorm pregnant, or maybe take the semester off and hopefully go back after the baby is born. Any suggestions for her and for us. We are so alone. We have thought of going to a crisis pregnancy center, but are afraid that some of the volunteers will be from our church.
Sorry this is so long.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.10.08 (6:31 am)
Reply to: Elizabeth
It has been a couple of months. How are things going? So, why doesn't your pastor show up for workdays at the church? Surely there is something he could do, even if disabled.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.10.08 (6:50 am)
Reply to: Debra
Your daughter needs prenatal care. It is very important, more important than keeping your secrets or your pride. Let's say you go to the crisis pregnancy center, and as a result word gets around to your church. What's going to happen? Maybe there will be gossip and judgment. It happens in churches that have totally strayed from being truly Christian. Most likely, though, I see a different scenario. Presuming yours is a decent church, made up of good although not perfect Christians, here is what will likely happen: There will be a few gossips/Pharisees, who will seek to ply their trade. Everybody decent, including all of your friends, your pastor and church staff, and every true Christian will rally to your support. Some will tell you their stories, similar and perhaps even more difficult in the details. Hugs, love, support, presence, acceptance- that's what you will get from people who truly love you. Now if you have made a habit of judging and not loving others in similar circumstance, then of course you need to repent. And that will be a good thing- becoming more like Jesus is always a good thing.
I encourage you to stop being ashamed. Pregnancy is a natural, God-given process. A baby is a gift of God, and your life will be complicated but immeasurably enriched with her presence. And this can be a major turning point for your daughter. She doesn't need anyone to make an effort to enforce guilt/shame. Most likely she already feels it. And, conviction is the work of God, not us. She needs your support and love.
So, I think you should: Go to church. Take your daughter, and sit beside her. Hold your head up high. If your pastor and church do not support you, then come to my church! Seriously, if that is the case, then it is not a real church. Just an assembly of hypocrites.
These are momentous times for you and your daughter. Just personally speaking, and this is only opinion, seem like she could take a break before resuming her studies. And getting a College degree and a good job are so very important for she and her child.
The boyfriend? It's time for him to step up to the plate and be an adult. His days of being a kid are gone forever, either with his personal decision as a responsible person, or by force of law. Too bad he might have to alter his plans for the future in order to provide his fair share of child support. And to think a little self control, or a condom, could have prevented this!
That's enough for now. God bless you- things will work out as you pray and do what is right. Stay in touch, please.
posted by:
Debra (
reply)
post date:
01.11.08 (4:21 pm)
The boyfriend, well, he is not in school, delivers pizzas for a job and is trying to break into the music business in a band. I just don't see how he will support a family for many years to come. We don't like him. He says that he is a christian, but I just don't see it. He has been caught lying to us and to our daughter on many occasions. He comes from a broken family and I don't think he was given much guidance. He is nothing like our daughter. She has always been very active with school activities and is a high achiever. She is attending college with a very good academic scholarship. She is in the honors program and was a cheerleader. She had plans to go to law school. She should never have been with him. I don't understand why she was attracted to him and feel as if a marriage will only end in disaster. She is lost and seems to feel that marriage is the only answer. I really don't know what to do. I pray and pray and feel as if God has not been listening to me. He didn't split them up, He didn't protect her and help her make good choices and now He didn't change this situation. I feel really lost.
posted by:
Debra (
reply)
post date:
01.11.08 (4:49 pm)
The boyfriend, well, he is not in school, delivers pizzas for a job and is trying to break into the music business in a band. I just don't see how he will support a family for many years to come. We don't like him. He says that he is a christian, but I just don't see it. He has been caught lying to us and to our daughter on many occasions. He comes from a broken family and I don't think he was given much guidance. He is nothing like our daughter. She has always been very active with school activities and is a high achiever. She is attending college with a very good academic scholarship. She is in the honors program and was a cheerleader. She had plans to go to law school. She should never have been with him. I don't understand why she was attracted to him and feel as if a marriage will only end in disaster. She is lost and seems to feel that marriage is the only answer. I really don't know what to do. I pray and pray and feel as if God has not been listening to me. He didn't split them up, He didn't protect her and help her make good choices and now He didn't change this situation. I feel really lost.
posted by:
Lisa (
reply)
post date:
05.01.08 (3:59 pm)
My 17 year old daughter and I are very close. She told me that she missed her period and wanted a pregnancy test. We went to the doctors and her test was positive. We cried together and she said, ' I can't have this baby, I'm to young.' Her mind has changed many times regarding her decision to keep the baby or not. Today we went to her OBGYN and she had an ultrasound. She is now 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. We briefly talked to the doctor about her options and she needs to decide this week if she wants to schedule an abortion or not. My husband and I have made it clear that we are 'pro-life' and we will help her raise her baby, however we will support her with either decision. As of yesterday I felt like I was split 50/50 as to what is the best thing to do for everyone involved. I felt confident that I could trust my daughters decision and I would be okay with either choice she made... Then I took my daughter to a place yesterday where they sat her down and informed her in detail about her options. She wasn't very happy with me because she has been trying to block it out and does not want to face reality. I thought that she might change her mind about aborting her baby but today she told me to make the appointment to terminate her pregnancy. When I made the call to the doctor I had tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat, and felt like I was going to vomit (and I still do). I want to support her but it is so difficult. My heart is breaking and now that she has made her decision I feel like it is so wrong and it hurts so badly. I can't understand why she won't let my husband and I raise the child since she feels that she is too young to do it herself. I can't wrap my brain around aborting a life that was given to you by God. I even told my daughter that she was "my little mistake" and I didn't think twice about not aborting her even though I was only 22 with 2 other small children and I was living with an abusive boyfriend with barely enough money to get by. I know that she is not me and I don't want to feel this way about her decision. It is so hard to look at her right now - I feel like she can see my pain without me saying anything. I don't want to make her feel guilty for her decision. Please help me understand... Please help me see why she made this choice... Please give me the strength to be a supportive loving mother to my daughter while she goes through this...
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.01.08 (4:37 pm)
Reply to: Lisa
I feel you are right that it is ultimately her decision. And you have told her that you will support her, whatever decision she makes. Don't say it if you do not mean it. She certainly does not need a simmering guilt and anger and resentment from her parents, the very ones who must support her. A 17-year-old has so much growing and maturing to do- she is going to need you bigtime in order to work through these chaotic and crazy years, and become the mature and godly woman she is intended to be.
I'm pro-life. Surely the aborting of a 5 1/2 week old developing fetus is a tragedy, and not within the perfect plan of God. And maybe yet, with the prayers of many, and your love- and for you to give her some breathing room to consider and pray about the matter- she could very well choose a different course. Your testimony of choosing to give birth, even when you had two children and an abusive boyfriend, is powerful. That speaks to her- you've got to believe it.
I've considered this issue of abortion quite a bit. A couple of years ago I wrote a series of posts on the subject. They did not seem to be very pleasing to either side of the debate, but they emerged from my heart after much soul-searching. I know many good people believe that human life begins with conception. I'm not sure that is a biblical absolute, clearly and irrefutably stated. I'm just not sure you can equate those dividing cells with a human being. Somewhere along the way, in my opinion, it happens. The developing child becomes a human soul. When? Maybe when brain waves develop, maybe when the heart starts to beat? I certainly think it is before the point of viability, but I just don't think it is at the moment of conception.
So, here's the challenge: Your daughter did not know she was pregnant until she missed her period, and then took the pregnancy test. How much time had elapsed- 5 1/2 weeks? If she is going to do this, she is smart to understand that it needs to happen quickly.
Again, these are just my opinions. Please take and leave as your heart dictates.
My 17-year-old daughter became pregnant. We gave her the same option as you have given your daught. From the beginning, she wanted to keep her child. In retrospect, I believe she intentionally became pregnant because she wanted to have a child- which is not a smart thing for a kid in high school. Anyhow, she brought Skylar into the world. I was saying to others that I would not be an enabler with my daughter, that I would intentionally be standoffish so that she would learn her lesson. Well, I have had to eat those words! Skylar has been the joy of my life, and has enormously enriched every part of my being. I could not imagine life without her. If your daughter will give you the chance, I feel in my heart that you and your husband would be the same. Tell her that!
Today is National Day Of Prayer. I'm at the church, right now, having just finished a session of prayer. I am going to return to the sanctuary and pray for your family. God bless you. There will be light and good ahead for you and your daughter.
Please continue to communicate with me about this.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.01.08 (5:28 pm)
Reply to: Lisa
David asked me if I would like to reply to your post and after reading,I felt that I wanted to. By the way, I am his wife.
When my 17 year old came home and told us that she was pregnant, It just about broke our hearts. My Katie was wild and we were not close. In fact, when she became pregnant she was not living at home with us.
We have raised three children. As I look back I have not agreed with many of their decisions. Right now, my oldest daughter has chosen to have a relationship with a non Christian. My son has decided to enter the military and my other daughter who was pregnant just broke up with her boyfriend in whom she was living with. When my children decide to make a decision, unfortunately, we have little say- especially when they are the age of your daughter. With whatever decision that they decide to go with, that is what they have to live with. We can not make these decisions even though we know what is best for them.
What I would do if I was you, is that I would totally give everything to God. Tell God that you can not handle this and he has got to take over. When I do this, God has a way of totally working things out. Now, God may not change her mind and she might get an abortion, but "everything works together for good for those who love God." I have quoted and quoted that scripture because I have had to hold onto it. I know that before Katie had got pregnant, I had prayed to God for her not to become pregnant because I could see the road that she was on. Finally, I had to come to a point in which I told God, whatever happens, happens because I know that God is in control because I have prayed. Yes, Katie became pregnant even after I had prayed that prayer but God turn a bad situation into a great blessing. If Katie had decided to abort the baby, I would feel the same way that you do. But I would have to come to a point in which I would have to give God total control of the situation.If you don't, and you try to take over yourself, you could possibly hurt this close relationship that you have with your daughter. The number one and most important thing to remember is to keep the relationship that you have with your daughter. Now, Katie is not where she should be. She has a lot more growing up to do, but one thing that I can say, is that David and I have always kept a relationship with her even though she has made decisions (like moving in with her boyfriend) hurtful to us. I would love to communicate with you more. If you would like to get my e-mail address ,please write to David on his T-mail address.
posted by:
Lisa (
reply)
post date:
05.04.08 (6:47 pm)
Thank you both so much for your comforting words. Soon after I wrote to you I cried my eyes out and prayed to God to help my daughter make the right decision. The same night she told me that she was having cramps and spotting. I took her to the doctor and it does not seem that the fetus is growing. We were told that she is either miscarrying or she has a tubal pregnancy. They did blood work to measure her pregnancy hormone levels and will repeat the test again on Monday. If her levels have dropped, she is miscarrying, if the levels have stayed the same or increased, she most likely has a tubal pregnancy. As of today Nicole's cramps have gotten much more painful and her spotting is now heavy bleeding.
God heard me - he has taken it out of Nicole's hands and spared her from having to make this decision. I never thought that I would be thankful for this to happen, but I am. I just hope that everything physically progressed as it should have and tomorrow her levels will be at zero. I will update you as soon as I know.
posted by:
Bonnie (
reply)
post date:
05.08.08 (9:52 am)
I am right in the midst of the same situation--my beautiful 16-year-old daughter is pregnant. My heart is broken! She is our only daughter. She does not want this baby. She does not want to go to school pregnant. She does not want the whole world to know. She doesn't even want her dad (we are separated) to know. To her it seems abortion is the one and only answer--quick and fast.
However, her 19-year-old boyfriend wants her to have the baby and possibly consider adoption.
I am so against abortion. I believe this child, which may be a mistake in our eyes, is indeed a true gift from God (Ps 127:3).
At her age I know that I must give the okay for an abortion, but I don't think I can do that. Is a 16-year-old truly able to make that decision?
I feel as though she has put me in a terrible possition -- choose her or choose God. I know that God does not tempt us, but He does require us to obey and believe. Right now I'm struggling with obeying. I'm afraid this is some sort of test ...and I don't want to fail God, but what about Megan? I don't want to upset God and I don't want my baby to have to go through this either--although it was her choice to have pre-marital sex. I've always taught her that there are consequences to every action. But what are the consequences for her? A baby to raise? or a murder?
I am rambling, but I am struggling with this so much.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.08.08 (10:02 am)
Reply to: Bonnie
Certainly I can connect with your pain at this time. I also can understand how confused and frightened she must be. Hopefully she has someone who can offer her wise guidance and friendship as she processes this situation- perhaps an uncle/aunt, neighbor, minister, etc. I encourage you to pray for her and give her unconditional love. Guilt and threat turn out to be very poor motivation. I understand how you feel about abortion, and you certainly should communicate such to your daughter- but do it with love in your heart and kindness in your voice. I'll be praying for you, and would like to hear from you in the near future.
Look through this particular post, and especially at all the interaction in the replies. My original reason to start blogging was a way to process my daughter's pregnancy. It was therapeutical, and really made a difference to have an audience of understanding folk who were not part of my immediate neighborhood.
God bless!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.08.08 (10:06 am)
Reply to: Lisa
I understand your mixture of relief and sadness with how matters have developed. God is at work, and as you imply, to trust Him is the wisest thing to do. Keep loving your daughter. Oh, and in my opinion, get her on birth control pills. This is not to condone premarital sex, but a prudent thing to do to avoid a repeat of the situation. One day she will grow up to be a mature adult who will make a positive impact upon our world, and how you have helped her through times like this will make the difference. God bless, and stay in touch.
posted by:
Brenda (
reply)
post date:
05.18.08 (10:40 am)
i just learned that my 16 y.o daughter is pregnant, I'm so angry... i just got my life back. I too, was a teenage mom. i had my first baby at 16, i have 5 children total. i've been divorced twice. the last time was 2 years ago. I'm 47 years old. i put myself through nursing school and have a great job that i love and a man in my life that i adore. I was looking forward to finally having some time for myself. i have 4 grandbabies that i adore but, i don't want to raise any of them. I feel in my heart that Shelby did this on purpose. She was on the pill and her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years was using a condom. It would be impossible to get pregnant if they were truly using these things.[ I checked her pills daily to make sure she was taking them and i believe that she was throwing them away] Her boyfriend, David is a loser. No job, junk car, wears big, sloppy clothes . piercings..
You say to love her, but, how do i get over being angry, as this has affected my life too.
I don't know if she's keeping the baby or not. I'm pretty sure whe wants to..I am active in my church but, since she's been with him she hasn't been going.
My ex is verbally abusive. He doesn't have a lot to do with Shelbey and i know when he finds this out he will have a field day.. this is going to be my fault!!!
any words of help would be appreciated...thank you
posted by:
Bonnie (
reply)
post date:
06.19.08 (9:14 am)
Pastor Dave,
It's been well over a month since I found your blog with the news that my 16-year-old was also pregnant. I loved her and kept loving her. I told her how I felt. I showed her pictures of babies (not a fetus) in the womb. I showed her what abortion does/is/means to me. In the end though I told her this was her decision. She chose abortion, and so we opted for the abortion pill. In my mind this was a miscarrage. At least that's what I'm sticking with. And, if ever asked, she can always say the same.
She and her boyfriend are still together. He is a wonderful guy--in my mind, the forever after kind of guy. Yes, she is now on the pill.
Guess my story has a happy ending...although I know I would have made a wonderful grandma. It simply wasn't the right time for my baby to have a baby. Someday...
Thank you for your blog, advice, and kind words!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.22.08 (4:28 pm)
Reply to: Bonnie
As I write this reply, we are having VBS at our church. I'm taking a break in the office. I've got mixed emotions about how things have worked out with your situation, as do you, I imagine. You gave it your best shot, letting your daughter know how you felt, and yet showing her the respect she must have. She made her choice. Now, your challenge is to have peace with her choice. And, of course, to help her to not find herself in the same dilemma again. You seem to me a great mother. I'll be praying for you and your daughter.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.22.08 (4:32 pm)
Reply to: Brenda
So, I'm wondering how things are going? I find these matters tend to work toward what is best when you firmly resolve to communicate and work together on the issues, and never give up. You're right- it's not fair. But you made a commitment to sacrificially love as only a mother can do. I'm sure you will do what is right, and not necessarily go with what you feel you deserve at this stage of life. Keep praying. Keep working hard to love your daughter. Communicate with honesty and love. And, I believe you will be alright.
Soon I'm going to write a etailed follow-up with my daughter's situation. She is doing well, and truly her little girl is the light of my life. My story, so far, has a very happy ending. Not one I would have chosen, but a good story anyhow.
God bless. Please continue to communicate.
posted by:
Brenda (
reply)
post date:
06.24.08 (2:09 pm)
hi Pastor Dave
well, things are not going very well. Shelby and i argue quite a lot. [this is not really new] - i do love her and i want what is best for her, i just don't like her a whole lot right now. She is planning to keep this baby. Shelby is very immature for her age and i don't see how on earth she can be a mom right now. I will have to be the responsible party in this baby's life for a while.
They told me at the dr's office that because she is pregnant at 16 that she is an emmancipated minor. So, now Shelby wants to move out and get an appt. with David [ baby daddy ] he's 18. They both have just part=time jobs. there is no way they can afford to live by themselves. Shelby's dad is no help. He just wants to blame me for all of it. David's mom is an enabler.. and every time this subject comes up -- she goes to the bedroom with a headache. [ this is according to her live-in boyfriend of 7 years ] [ who by the way is on my side - he is very sad/angry about this whole thing, as am i ]
I told David's mom [Dana] that we needed to sit down with these kids and come up with a plan of action for them..we are supposed to meet this week.
Thes kids have absolutely no idea what is in store for them..and the sad part is that they don't want to listen to anyone.
I am so tired of arguing with her. If she doesn't straighten out she may have to go live somewhere else. I really don't want this to happen but, i don't know what else to do. I can't live with the arguing and the disrespect.
She has been to counselors and tried anti-depressants. [ didn't like the counselors ..quit taking the meds. after a while ]
I try to talk to her - she " doesn't want to talk about it" if i tell her things she doesn't want to hear.
Am i doing the right thing?
posted by:
Memaw (
reply)
post date:
08.04.08 (5:21 pm)
I am so glad i came upon your blog. I just recently found out my 20 year-old is pregnant by her close "friend" for the past 3 years. I am by no means a pastor, but heavily involved in my church and have alwasy been involved in my daughters school. This was the "perfect" child, never in trouble, 4.0 - validictorian, etc...
She is still a great person (no drugs, drinking,etc.). She is going to keep the child (I am thankful), but has sworn each of us to secrecy until the "friend" decides to tell his parents. The friend is also a good person and is in college also to be a law officer or work in criminal justice. The problem is - they never would acknowledge they had a "girlfriend/boyfriend" relationship and this happens. Also, my other daughter (18) says the boy doesn't treat my daughter very nice at times when they are in front of other peers. My daughter is overweight and has been all her life. She is a beautiful girl though - just on the heavy side. It bothers me tremendously to think this father thinks he is better than her and would be ashamed of her because of her weight. she is 4 months and still will not tell anyone. I would rather go ahead and be honest with people rather than it start going through the grapevine adn then having to start talking about it. She and he both live at home with parents and work part/time and full-time jobs when possible and are full-time college students. We have told her we love her and will support her. I like you do not want to make it to easy for her though. How do you feel about keep this a secret?
Thank you for making this blog, I think it will be tremendous blessing to me in the next year. I al a memaw from my other daugher who has the perfect life, married 10 years before having child - home built and practically paid for. i know I wll love another grandchild the same as i do this one, but it is going to be so hard to tell everyone.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.04.08 (7:57 pm)
Reply to: Memaw
As I write, it is about 11 p.m. on a Monday night, and my little Skylar is fast asleep in the bedroom with my wife. I cannot emphasize too much how great a joy she is to my life. I so resented my daughter's pregnancy and so dreaded the imposition of this child. But it has all worked out in an amazing and wonderful way. This, too, will be your story- as you will no doubt pray and work hard concerning this matter. Your daughter's life is surely altered, but not ruined. In my opinion, the raising of this little one will be a family affair for all of you.
You know what is most troubling to me about your story? It is not your daughter's pregnancy. These kinds of things happen. I am troubled by the way this guy treats your daughter. In my estimation, the evidence of true love is to show high respect for the other person. The kind of love with which a couple is able to make a home and become one is a love where each adores the other. Seems, with your description, that this guy has a ways to go. He may not find your daughter to be a person he wants to connect with for life, and he may find himself uncomfortable being coupled with her in social settings, but I believe you should insist that he step up to the plate and take on his responsibilities as father of this child. He will support this child and he will support your daughter- these should be matters of insistence.
I wish and pray for you the very best. I got into this blogging mainly as an outlet for all the stress I was facing with my daughter's pregnancy. It became a great resource of strength and help along the way. I think it is very important to talk about it. Life moves far too fast to dwell very long upon shame and regrets. Just move on, do your best, and hold your head up high. Same for your daughter. And, of course, all that I say is opinion given free of charge and likely worth what it costs you!
God bless you. I'm saying a prayer at this very moment on your behalf! Stay in touch, please.
posted by:
Memaw (
reply)
post date:
08.05.08 (5:46 pm)
Thank you for your quick reply. Your thoughts on the situation and father are a blessing. Mostly thank you for your prayers for us. I will write again.
posted by:
Memaw (
reply)
post date:
08.07.08 (4:44 pm)
I want to tell the parents of this "friend", but I know my daughter will have a fit. What are your thoughts on this? They are not close friends or not even really "friends" of ours. Our daughter and their son really become friends their senior year in high school - at that time I didn't feel I should "checkout" the new friend, because I knew she was growing up and had to make decisions on her own and also reap the results. The parents are "good" parents to the best of my knowledge. Our daughter has been on vacation with them. This has all been since she has turned 18 and I didn't feel like I really had the right to "interview" them since she was an adult. I know them casually, but not enough that i have ever called them on the phone. Since, cell phones if I ever needed my daughter, I just called her cell phone.
I " sort of" feel guilty that I know their is a grandchild coming from these 2 and they don't know. My daughter and this "friend" still have their relationship as usual - just ignore the fact that she is pregnant and will soon be a mother and he will soon be a father. I would like to tell them or at least the mom, but my daughter will not even invite her friend back to our house because the last time he was here I mentioned it. I actually said "Bryan, a lot of things have changed since the last time I saw you (she kept him away from her for the past 2 months since she found out she was pregnant). the only thing I said was "you all are adults and we need to handle this as adults, and then I said we will talk about it later. It hasnt' been mentioned since then (about a month ago) and he hasn't been back to our house. If they see each other - she goes to his house 3 - 4 times a week.
I don't feel it is fair not to tell them.
Memaw
posted by:
Memaw (
reply)
post date:
08.07.08 (6:49 pm)
I want to tell the parents of this "friend", but I know my daughter will have a fit. What are your thoughts on this? They are not close friends or not even really "friends" of ours. Our daughter and their son really become friends their senior year in high school - at that time I didn't feel I should "checkout" the new friend, because I knew she was growing up and had to make decisions on her own and also reap the results. The parents are "good" parents to the best of my knowledge. Our daughter has been on vacation with them. This has all been since she has turned 18 and I didn't feel like I really had the right to "interview" them since she was an adult. I know them casually, but not enough that i have ever called them on the phone. Since, cell phones if I ever needed my daughter, I just called her cell phone.
I " sort of" feel guilty that I know their is a grandchild coming from these 2 and they don't know. My daughter and this "friend" still have their relationship as usual - just ignore the fact that she is pregnant and will soon be a mother and he will soon be a father. I would like to tell them or at least the mom, but my daughter will not even invite her friend back to our house because the last time he was here I mentioned it. I actually said "Bryan, a lot of things have changed since the last time I saw you (she kept him away from her for the past 2 months since she found out she was pregnant). the only thing I said was "you all are adults and we need to handle this as adults, and then I said we will talk about it later. It hasnt' been mentioned since then (about a month ago) and he hasn't been back to our house. If they see each other - she goes to his house 3 - 4 times a week.
I don't feel it is fair not to tell them.
Memaw
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.07.08 (8:58 pm)
Reply to: Memaw
What do I think? From the bit of information you have shared, it sounds like these 2 young people are not showing much maturity. Still, in my opinion, give them some time to come to grips with what is happening. It is reasonable to let her know that, by a particular date, his parents must know. Then, if the couple does not do the responsible thing and since grandparents will likely be footing the bills and time for this child, you and your husband have the obligation to step in and let them know.
posted by:
Brenda (
reply)
post date:
08.23.08 (11:33 am)
I've written to this blog and gotten little response. I really feel that i need to vent to someone and i feel that this is a good place to start. I'm really happy that things are working out for you and your gr. baby. How is your daughter? Is she back in school? Is she happy?
Shelby has been really sick. She and David have broken up [ since the last time i wrote]
Shelby is determined to keep this baby. I am so torn about this decision. I really feel in my heart that it would be better to give this baby up to good and loving parents who could give her/him a good home. She is just not ready to be a mom. She doesn't make very good decisions and she's immature sometimes. I've tried to talk to her about counseling - she refuses.." it'll be fine" is her basic answer.
I could get over my resentments -- if she had some humility/respect about her. But, she doesn't and it's hard. I'm pretty much in this by myself.
Any words of wisdom?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.23.08 (12:42 pm)
Reply to: Brenda
Hi Brenda. I'm sorry I have not been more diligent in interacting with you. Talking with people in "cyberspace" can be difficult. Most seem to want surface interaction about the matter immediately at hand, and then- poof- they're off to another subject or tangent. I do value your desire to converse about Shelby and your family dilemma.
16 and pregnant. Private and unwilling to communicate. I can certainly identify- our daughter was very much the same. In hindsight, I think a valuable point of transformation in her respect for us was when we finally let her know that she could not return to the house. As I recall, her rebellion and total lack of respect reached an apex. The final straw was when she stayed out all night, participating in an event we totally disapproved of. We made the matter clear from the start- if she chose not to come home that night, then she was choosing to move out and live elsewhere. Knowing the consequences, in reality she made the decision not to live with us. Still, she was surprised when she called the next day and we told her she could not come home. Where am I going to live? Well, you'll have to figure that out! then she came by, to find her room cleaned out and clothes packed. I'd like to say this shocked her into proper behavior. It didn't. The next several months were continued foolishness. We kept the lines of communication open, and did some things for her. And we prayed a whole lot!
Well, months later and she got pregnant. I told her she could come home, and didn't really have to lecture her about behavior and consequences. She knew we could be tough, and would not tolerate foolishness. And she behaved well, all the way up to the birth of Skylar and beyond. Oh, she never became an angel or an saint, but she was a whole lot better than before.
I think, and this is simply opinion and not the "gospel", that you and your daughter need to learn that you have your boundaries, your expectations. And, she can live with you according to these clear expectations, or she can live elsewhere. It's not a matter of being mean or tough or winning a fight. It is a matter that she is the kid and you are the adult. You know what she needs to do. It shouldn't be a list of twenty do's and don'ts. But surely she needs to go to school, and/or work a job, and be home at reasonable times of the evening, and take care of herself and her developing baby. These are reasonable. If she continues with the smarty-pants attitude and behavior, even when you clearly and calmly enunciate the consequences, then she will make the decision not to live with you!
And, you know what? I'll bet, with the $9.14 in my pocket, that a girl as smart and manipulative as she would manage to find shelter and food sufficient. And, a couple of months on her own may be just the medicine she needs? I think of the story of the Prodigal in Luke 15- he came back, broken and contrite, to the arms of a loving father.
Making decisions and enunciating consequences with rebellious teenagers is always a risk. She may not come back. She may do something stupid. But, again, those would be her decisions and matters for which she would have to ultimately answer.
Love her. Never quit on her. Be tough, and stand your grounds, but always with open lines of communication. Give it some time, and lots of prayer.
Write again. I will reply!
posted by:
PAT (
reply)
post date:
08.25.08 (11:09 pm)
Pastor Dave,
What a wonderful site you have! My daughter is in a gospel singing ministry and she came home for a few months and started hanging with old friends. She knew she was doing wrong and decided to get out of town and go back to the ministry. Two weeks after going back, she found out she was pregnant. She is 19 years old. The ministry has been wonderful to her. I can already see that sometimes God allows things to happen to get our attention. My daughter wanted so bad to be the real deal, yet she continually strattled the fence. She won't give birth until March 2009, but I can already see how she has grown both emotionally and spiritually. She knows God forgives her and prays daily that the baby has the mantle of John the Baptist. The hardest thing for her to get over is that she feels she has short-changed the baby because he/she won't have a father....the dad could care less. It's ironic becaus he's the same person who took her virginity when she was 14 and I tried to have him arrested for statutory rape. Those spiritual bonds are for real! Anyways, I have also learned that the people who "judge" are the ones God has put on my heart to pray for. I myself, like most people, have judged others. It's easy to do when you're on the outside looking in. God revealed to me some hidden sin I needed to repent of. So, it all boils down to how much we need ALL need Jesus! Praise God He sent Him to save us! Sure, our lives are different than we planned, but I know that I know that I know that God makes all things work to the good and He has blessed our family with a child. That's amazing! All negative thoughts I take captive and stand on His word. The sin is forgiven, gone, wiped away. We are truly blessed! And you and your family are blessed. He will finish what He started! God bless you!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.25.08 (11:32 pm)
Reply to: PAT
I know, very much, these are trying times for your family. You are so very blessed to have a strong faith in God, which will surely carry you through and beyond. You remind us all of something, very important, that we must not forget. Every person, no matter how moral and how "Christian", will do a few stupid things along the way. It is simply part of the imperfect human nature with which we must struggle. I've known Christ as my personal Savior for 36 years, and at this current stage of my life I still do stupid things on occasion. Heck, sometimes more than just on occasion!
Teenagers are tempted to have sex. It's a strong temptation, and it happens even with the good kids. Unfortunately, as the old saying goes, "You can't get just a little pregnant." And so, your girl and my girl got pregnant. This biological fact does not negate all that is good about these young ladies. Nor should it label them for the rest of life.
I sure hope you and your family learn to do as I have done- hold your heads up high, and love your daughter and her precious child. This unique set of circumstances will prove to be a mighty source for growth and strength, and for the hand of God to do marvelous work. You will see!
posted by:
Brenda (
reply)
post date:
08.30.08 (12:20 pm)
Hi Pastor Dave,
I want to thank you for responding so quickly. And i want to apologize. The last time i wrote i feel that i was short with you and---I'm sorry.
I just feel so overwhelmed and frustrated sometimes.
I am pretty much in this alone. I'm always the bad guy. I love Shelby, i worry about her, and i don't want to fight with her but, you are right - i am the parent she is the child. This has and always will be the way i see it. I realize that there are times that i need to let go,, i need to let her make her own decisions/mistakes, and let her suffer the natural consequences. The problem is, is that she doesn't make very good decisions and i am left picking up the pieces. She never seems to be satisfied with things and she wants instant gratification. Ex.. she didn't like one school so, she was truant enough , had bad grades that they sent her to another school. Now, she doesn't like that school. [teachers are mean, kids talk about her etc..] doesn't like living with me wants to live with her dad, friend..etc..I told her she could. [ as far as the school situation, i basically, in short said too bad] So.... what's she going to do when all of a sudden this baby isn't so much fun after all...? scary,,,
Shelby can be a lot of fun, until she doesn't get her way. Then we argue a lot. I'm so tired of that.
I think you are right and i appreciate the good advice you gave earlier [8/23]..If she chooses not to follow my rules [ which are pretty simple ] she will choose to live elsewhere. But, can you help me with something? I feel that i am usually driven by my emotions rather than my head. I feel sorry for Shelby, She seems angry and sad. However, i also feel that she knows i feel bad for her and she uses this to her advantage..How do i stick to my guns?
I also worry,, what if she chooses to leave and something happens to her? or she doesn't come back? will she take good care of herself and the baby? how do i make it right in my head that i put her out? am i being selfish?
I know that i'm asking a lot but,i feel that you'll be honest with me and give good advice.
Take care, talk soon...Brenda
posted by:
Bonnie (
reply)
post date:
10.21.08 (10:12 am)
Pastor Dave,
I last wrote to you with an update on 6-22. Since then Megan started back to school in the 11th grade. She has such focus on school and grades. It is truly amazing and I thank God for His hand in her life.
Megan and Josh are still together. He is so good for her. They've both matured through their experiences (both good and bad) together.
Thank you for your continued prayers. They certainly are working in our lives.
God bless you for this blog and your continued efforts to help others in their often desperate time of need. You certainly were a light in my darkness.
posted by:
Jenn (
reply)
post date:
10.22.08 (9:49 pm)
I was not a teen age mother, but I fell pregnan to my long term boyfriend at 21, not yet gaduated from university, and had recently gained employment by the state government. My parents were very dispointed, and angry, concerned that my boyfriend would not stepp up and help out...
Well...2 moths into the pregnancy I started to feel sore in my lower back- I though this is normal, it's just pregnancy. By 4 months my back ad legs both hurt, and by 5 months, I was in so much pain I couldnt walk roperly. Finally I hit 6 months, and everyone still this I am just sooking and it was the normal pains for pregnancy, but my leg was now very swolen...my left leg. The next day, I couldnt walk, anywhere,not a step I was rushed to the hospital, and diagnosed with a extensive blood clot from my pelvis to my ankle! I also found out itwas caused by a genetic disorder that I didn't know I had, and my entire paternal family was diagnosed with it too. My boyfriend stayed with me through al this, and started working overtime hours to pay for my medical expences, my rent, and other living expences.
I now have my baby, she is six months old, and since her birth I have been diagnosed with 4 extensive blood clots in various parts of my body. But the trust is, I should have died. If I had of waited 5 years, 10 years or 15 years to have a baby, the baby and I probably wouldnt have survived. My point is sometimes things happen, good and bad, but there is a reason. My little mistake, is really my little princess, she has made us a family. I believe she is a result of divine intervention...
posted by:
Brenda (
reply)
post date:
10.27.08 (8:17 am)
Hi Pastor Dave
Well, Just wanted to update you on Shelby. She is now 28 weeks pregnant,so far,so good. All is well with the baby. Shelby is tired all the time and has normal aches and pains. but is ok. David is still not in the picture. Shelby has gotten dropped from school. No job yet, no one wants to hire a very pregnant teen. There is a boy who she has been calling -- who i forbid her to see,[he is 24] she is almost 17,,i told her she needs to get her own life together for herself and the baby..before she worries about starting a new relationship.esp. with someone 7-8 years older than her. I have spoken to this young man and have informed him that i will do whatever it takes to protect my daughter...
Other things have happened in my life too.. my 79 year old mom has been fighting cancer for the past year and the dr's have told us that she will probably not be here for Christmas..she will come to live with me eventually..so, i pray for wisdom,and strength for myself and for Shelby.. i pray for comfort for my mom.
Please remember us in your prayers.
Blessings
Brenda
posted by:
Memaw (
reply)
post date:
11.02.08 (4:27 pm)
Pastor Dave,
I wanted you to know what a blessing your website\blog has been to me. When I wrote to you in back in Aug. 2008, you showed compassion and confidence that eveything would be okay and that we are all human beings but with God's love and compassion we can handle things differently. I haven't corresponded since 08-25-08 but wanted you to know that things are working are good for my daughter and the baby and the father. She is due on Jan. 2, but we are all having "feelings" that she will deliver sooner. Her boyfriend/father of the baby, has really stepped up and has made his room at home into a nursery for the baby. His family and our family are to gather for a shower this for the new baby this Sunday. GOD is GOOD. Your understanding and handling of your own similiar situation gave my faith and hope.
**It was God showing himself to me in a place I didn't expect. I feel this because of the help I recieved and in finding out that you are a Pastor at Mt.Tabor Bapist Church and I am a member and active in my church Mt. Tabor United Methodist. Coincedence? No, God working!
Please continue to these young paretns and new baby in your prayers.
God Bless,
Memaw
posted by:
Lisa (
reply)
post date:
11.11.08 (3:55 am)
I just found out my 16 year old is pregnant. Although I don't practic religion per se, I was raised Baptist so this goes against what I was taught and then some. I'm horrified with the prospect of my daughter having a baby as she is not even able to care for herself properly. Today we will go get a check up and see where to go from here. Will look forward to hearing more of your story... Best wishes to you...
posted by:
Cindy (
reply)
post date:
11.11.08 (6:35 pm)
My 16 yr old daughter just recently told me she was pregnant. The baby's father is 17 yrs. old and very involved as well as his mother. Both parents to be come from stable homes. His parents seem to be happily married for over 20 years and very involved with their families. My husband and I have been happily married for 19 years and active in our families. We have coached ball teams, cheerleading, chaperoned dance/band trips, etc. etc. They have not been exposed to "real" life. Everything has been easy for them and too much handed to both of them. They are both living in a fantasy world and want to be married. In our state for a 16 yr. old to wed, parents must sign a petition to the court, pay a pretty large filing fee and then it's up to a judge to decide. Her father and I are against their marrying until both have completed high school and have tried to establish themselves a little. The father's parents agree to the marriage, but I'm not sure of the reason, I feel it is because they want him to "do the right thing". She wants to marry him so badly that she is making life at our house miserable. She is only happy when she's with him. The rest of the time she is yelling, crying or mopey. We have not kept them apart. He is welcome in our home and they are able to go and do on the weekends as usual. She called me horrible names today and told me that our family doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is her, her baby, and the baby's father, her family. She threatened to run away to be with him. I therefore reacted and threatened to send her to a maternity home. There is a really nice facility near here. I can force her to go. They live in "apartments" with other girls in the same situation. They do have adoption options too. They pair roommates by their choice of keeping the baby or adoption. They provide all medical care, counseling (including our family and the father's), classes on infant care, cooking, cleaning, etc. Visitation is allowed and if a parent/guardian signs them out, they are allowed weekend/holiday passes to go home. I am having problems getting her to go to school. There school is a requirement. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm sorry this is so long but this has been going on for awhile and I don't know what to do. I cannot let myself let her leave to go live with him. I'm afraid if I "force" her to go to the home that she will never forgive me. I can't continue to let this situation disrupt my home. We have two other children at home and I telecommute for my job as much as possible. I am not an active member of the church. Our church maintains districts and the officials change at a whim. Our church is pro-life of course, but they really preach to the young unwed girls to choose adoption. Adoption is not an option and I feel trying to get counseling there will just give me more ill feelings towards the church. Please if anyone has been in a similar situation, please tell me what worked for you. Keep us in your prayers that we will find the answer and keep our family together.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.11.08 (6:45 pm)
Reply to: Brenda
Hi. You wrote a couple of weeks ago, and I am sorry about being so slow in response. I think you have every right to keep this man away from your daughter, especially as she is going through such a life altering experience and you are necessarily so heavily involved. Bit, with my experience, I am pretty sure you are fighting an extremely difficult battle. AT best, you can hope to help her through her pregnancy and delivery. And then, if she chooses to continue such an unwise lifestyle, you will likely have to choose to focus your attention upon the baby. As a Christian and pastor, I encourage you to stay close to God and connected with people who truly care about you. These will be your sources of strength.
Keep me posted, please.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.11.08 (6:50 pm)
Reply to: Memaw
Mt. Tabor- a fine name for a church!
I am happy that things are working out for you. This young man sounds like he has some character and maturity going for him- you are blessed. And the two families are working together. We've done the same with our daughter, and it has proved vital in helping little Skylar to be healthy and know how much she is loved.
Thank you for your kind words. Please continue to contribute your thoughts to this site- it has proven to be an encouragement to lots of people. God bless. Tell the good folk at Mt Tabor that I say hello.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.11.08 (6:55 pm)
Reply to: Lisa
Yes, life does take unpredicable turns along the way. I would not wish this challenge upon anyone. But I believe, now that you are facing the challenge, that it can prove to be a positive experience in many ways. Your daughter can mature and learn. You family can grow closer and stronger. You will learn that you have strength and capacity that right now you do not see. And, best of all, your whole family will be immeasurably blessed with this little one who can indeed prove to be a wonderful gift from God. All of these are possibilities. I encourage you and your significant other(s) to be a team, together in heart and action, as you deal with this matter. And, please stay in relationship with your daughter- she so very much needs you, even as she may communicate otherwise.
God bless. I will say a prayer for you. And, keep me posted.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.11.08 (7:08 pm)
Reply to: Cindy
Wow. Now that is a load to try to handle.
First of all, you need emotional and spiritual strength. Decisions that will impact lives, for a long time, must be made. I encourage you to connect with someone locally who is wise, insightful, and compassionate. Hopefully this would be a pastor/minister, but it could also be a counsellor or even a layperson whom you have grown to respect. This person may not give you answers, but he/she will prove an invaluable source of strength. Just being able to "let your hair down" with someone who will truly listen will prove to be of great help. I know from personal experience!
Generally, it does not seem to be wise for a 16 and 17 year old to marry. But, hey, I guess there are exceptions to every rule. You and your spouse would have to think and pray long, hard, and deep about it. I would not entirely rule it out without at least a little consideration. And I will rush to add that I'd likely go into a deep funk for a month or so if my 16-year-old were to get married. But, part of my story is that, after my K had her baby, she moved in with her boyfriend- not the baby's father, either. They lived together for about 6 months. I didn't approve, and I certainly did not like it. But she got it out of her system, and now she has her own apartment and seems to be doing very well. And through it all, I kept the lines of communication open and offered all the help I could. Such unconditional love has paid off big time. So, yes, keep loving in tangible ways and keep telling her you love her- without qualifying the statement. It will always pay off!
I will pray for you. I know God will work this out, as you trust Him and do your very best. Likely the pathway will not be smooth, and further complications will arise. But you will make it!
Please keep us posted!
posted by:
Lisa (
reply)
post date:
11.12.08 (3:27 am)
Hello Pastor Dave;
How far along is your daughter? I can't imagine facing my family and the community and, at this point, trying to figure out how long she can stay in school and be "un-noticed" as being pregnant. There is so much to think about it's mind boggling. We went to a local medical facility for a test and, as we already knew, she was pregnant. They gave her information on doctors and such.
We don't have health insurance so another dilemma is how we will pay for everything... I've been hoping I would wake up and this was just a dream.... Part of me wants to move to another state until the baby is born but I know this is probably unrealistic... Grasping at straws I guess... Just taking one day at a time... Thank you for starting this blog...
posted by:
Teri (
reply)
post date:
11.12.08 (9:55 am)
Dear Pastor Dave: My daughter,who is 25 and was living in Las Vegas, returned home last month pregnant. She has been very irresponsible for the last seven years, living a wild life and has been the source of many tears and heartache for me. I believe in God but do not attend church. I've done a lot of praying for her always that she would make her way in this world safely. She had planned on having an abortion but was too far along. I'm not an advocate of that but in her situation I thought that would be the best solution. Now that the shock of knowing she is going to have a baby is past, I'm becoming excited of the prospect of being a grandmother. I have been very supportive of her but am scared because of the lack of maturity and her lack of taking any kind of responsibility for herself or her actions. I was a single mother as her father died when she was five. I know how hard it is and certainly did not want her to go through the same thing. My mother thinks she needs to put the baby up for adoption. I know this is a loving unselfish thing to do but I can't imagine how you do that. It is her decision to make and I decided to let her bring it up herself. She has told me that she knows it will be difficult but maybe this is what she needed to get her life together. She has thought about adoption because she feels she can't provide everything a baby needs right now in her position, but she is talking about going back to school after the baby etc. Yesterday she had an ultrasound. She is 25 weeks along and it is a boy. I cried all the way home because I want this to all work out but I'm scared for her, the baby, and for me. There is a part of me that thinks this is what it is going to take to get my daughter to become a responsible adult but what if she doesn't? I have a supportive husband(her stepfather) of ten years but we really do not want to be raising a baby at this time of our lives. This is long, but I would appreciate your input. Thank you Pastor Dave. PS She has contacted the father but I don't know how supportive he will be.
posted by:
florida mom (
reply)
post date:
11.12.08 (3:20 pm)
I have a 17 year old daughter who is pregnant. 7 months ago she was beaten up by her boyfriend who is 19. As we discovered, this was not the first time he beat up a girlfriend. We had her press charges and a week ago we discovered she had been seeing her boyfriend again and was pregnant as well. Her solution is to drop out of high school, get married to him and move to Kentucky. She is in her sr year and just obtained a Florida Bright Futures Scholarship. This would have meant that 4 years of college would be paid for. Additionally, we had bought her a college plan. She would have been set. Now she has decided to throw it all away for a man who has beaten her,doesn't work and is intent on isolating her from friends and family. My husband and I did not react very well to the news. We are so disappointed and moreover are so afraid for her and her baby's well being. We have told her we cannot support her decision to remain in a relationship with this man and to marry so young. She will go before a judge and present paperwork showing that she is pregnant and 17 and will not need our permission to get married. I don't think there is anything we can do at this point. My husband is so heartbroken. He just lost his mom last month after a 3 year battle with cancer. For the last 4 years we have tried everything with our daughter - anti-depressants, therapists, living with grandparents, etc. It seems she is bent on destroying her life. I do not know what I will tell her little 7 year old sister. I cry all the time and sometimes I don't even know I am doing it. I don't want her to get hurt but the odds don't seem to be in her favor. Any advice thoughts? Thank you.
posted by:
Rachel (
reply)
post date:
02.13.09 (10:37 am)
Well i see that this was posted since in 2006 and i was 'surfing' the net trying to get some sort of encouragement from someone who has gone through what I am currently going through right now. I do not know if i may get a reply but i am praying to God I do, I would like to share what it is that I am going through.
Well, my father is a pastor. He is a great man of God and I admire him alot. He and my mother both brought me up in a God fearing home. However, because of my stupidity, i made a mistake that i later learned that I would have regret. Just one month before I turned 20, i got pregnant. This was a great shocker to me since the doctor told the guy that he could not have any children.
Well all sorts of thing ran through my mind. I was praying that i was not the way i thought i was and i came to a point where I decided if I was pregnant, I would have had an abortion.
I did not know how to break this news to my parents because i was afraid of especially my mom having a heart attack an die. So i made up a lie and told them that i was raped. Being raped is nothing to joke about (i know this from experience, when my two cousins molested me when i was only 8)but i just did not know what to say since i was so afraid.
The night when I told my parents that lie, my mother began bawling. Just seeing my mother in tears just tore me apart. She of course did not believe the story i gave them and she told me if i really love her i would tell her the truth. So i did. I told her that it was the same guy who they used to be talking to me about. he was a backslidder. But thank God he rededicated his life to Christ.
Well, my mother shed so many tears, and my father who is not as emotional as my mom, was hurting deeply as well. They were disappointed, hurt, words can't describe how they felt. And me on the other hand, felt as though as i was such a disgrace, dishonour, disappointment and a failure.
However, my father being the strong man that he is was able to look pass his hurt an he really comforted me in that time of distress. My mother, well she was a whole different story. She basically talked about how hurt she is and she made the statement that she would have put me out even though it would have hurt me to go. It was my father who said that he wanted me to stay.
Well that was one obstacle that i had to cross in telling my parents about this, the next step was the board members of the church. I was completely nervous. One of them told me that she was very disappointed in me knowing how my mother tried her best to bring me up the right way. Well all of them said they forgave me.
Now, I have to go an tell the church of what happedened. This is what I am so afraid of. Knowing how much people would talk and say all sorts of hurtful things. I am scared that people would look at my father as less of a pastor an not want to come to church any more. I could only imagine what the people of that community would have to say. I know the news would spread. But my father keeps saying, what the devil meant for evil, God meant for good. He said that we must look at the positives and not focus on the negatives. He told me that now is the time that we have to trust God even more.
Well I thank God for my father as well as my mother. I made a mistake but i need to show them that i would never let them down ever again.
We went by a bishop for counselling. And I stated that they did not fail as parents but i failed them. Well the bishop gave my father, mother and I encouraging words. He also showed them that God is the greatest parent of them all and when adam and eve sinned, it was a choice that they made. He showed them this since my mom thought that she failed as a mother. He also showed them that when adam and eve sinned, God went into the garden and asked, "Where are you?". The bishop also showed them that since i committed sin, just as God went a looked for adam and eve, they were to also help me out in this time.
Well i have repented, I have asked God for forgiveness, my parents, my relatives that are close to me an now I have to face the church.
I need for you all to remember me in prayer. I have 5 months again to go an I know this wouldn't be easy. But, The Joy of The LORD is My Strength.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
02.13.09 (11:49 am)
Reply to: Rachel
Hi Rachel. This is Friday, my day to watch my little granddaughter, Skylar. She will be 3-years-old in about 2 weeks, and proves to continue to be an amazing source of joy and completion. Your dad sounds, to me, to be well on the way to the same blessed- though admittedly messy- experience. And give your mom some time, and don't judge her too harshly as she adjusts to this challenge. People of character, of genuine Christian love and compassion, rise up to meet such challenges.
I guess I do not understand why you have to go before any kind of board, or make a public confession. The sin is not in getting pregnant nor in having a baby. These are wonderful parts of human life that are gifts of God. As you know, of course, the sin is in having premarital sex. Lots of people no doubt have committed this sin. If the veil were lifted, and all the truth be known about the people of your congregation including the leaders and great spiritual examples, you would find out that many of these have committed the same sin. If you could get them to be straight and honest, you would know. Also, why is this sin elevated in importance above others. Also within you congregation exist people with all kinds of variety of sin in their past, and even in their present. The Ten Commandments have plenty of abusers, right there in your church. This does not mean these are bad people, or necessarily more hypocritical or sinful than the next person. They are, simply sinners. They need a Saviour, just like yourself. They must walk by faith, and live within the grace of God. Therefore, in my humble opinion, they have no right to sit in a tribunal and pass judgment upon you. You deal with God concerning your sin. You confess when you are ready, and what you are ready to confess, to whomever you feel you must. These people- this church of yours- has the sole responsibility to love you, and that unconditionally. I've a suspicion you will find plenty of love if you give these people a chance. If not- you find another church, and fast.
If you get a chance, try to read through some of the posts that I have written, within a week or two of this one. They detail my journey and the marvelous way my church came through for my family and myself.
I wish you the best. I would like to hear from you again, and would be glad to interact as you travel this journey. God bless. I know He loves you, and seeks for you the very best!
posted by:
Criedallout (
reply)
post date:
03.16.09 (2:52 pm)
Our 17 year old daughter is pregnant. Or story has a different twist that I have not read about as I have searched for help. The father of her baby is black, our daughter is white. The two have been good friends for awhile, but not really dating. From what I understand about the young man, he is not one of good character - although my daughter thinks he is. The major problem is that my husband is racist and has basically told me that if our daughter has this baby, that he will have nothing to do with her or the baby. We have been married almost 24 years and he is such an awesome man in every other area of his life. I have tried to talk some sense into him, but his heart just seems so hard. I have tried to tell him that our daughter needs our support and that we can get through this together, but he is determined that our daughter have an abortion. He thinks that she isn't old enough to make the decision and that we should force her into it. I am struggling with what I think because I really don't think that she is ready for a baby. I know that she is not ready for a baby!! I know she could do it with our help, but I'm not sure that my husband will allow us to help. I can't let her go through this alone, yet my husband has suggested that if I choose to support her, I will probably have to go as well. I have prayed and asked God to take this for me and handle it, but I really don't know how to just let it be. We have a strong church family, but I don't know what they will think to know my husband has such hatred in his heart. Our extended families are almost as bad and there are other problems going on there that we just can't add additional burdens on them at this time. My daughter says she will keep the baby, but I really don't think that she has any idea as to what she is getting into. She is immature for her age - and that's mostly my fault as she is my baby. I never thought that I would or could ever consider abortion, but it is really on my mind as an alternative. I know we all could do this together if my husband was on board, but without him??? I pray that you read this soon. She is still early pregnant at this time, but we will be needing to make a decision soon. Our daughter is seeing a counselor and I am going to talk with our preacher's wife. I just feel so alone and so torn between 2 of the loves of my life. I would love to hear from you. Blessings.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.19.09 (8:43 pm)
Reply to: Criedallout
First, I'm sorry for the delay in response. I sure hope you have opportunity to read this reply.
Now I am no expert or spiritual giant- just a struggler, like most folk. My daughter gave birth at age 17. Her little one has proven to be an amazing joy to my life. K, my daughter, has made progress and is proving to be a fine mother- she still has areas to grow with her life and maturity, but all-in-all is doing well considering what has been thrust upon her at this age.
I want to address your husband's attitude about this matter. I do not know his level of maturity, although being married 24 years says something about his ability to make and keep a commitment. Although certainly I do not know his heart, I sincerely doubt he will abandon you or your daughter. He's got a lot to process in his mind and heart, and is going to have to come to grips with this attitude toward other races. Now, it seems to me, an abortion is his solution for his dilemma. But this is, first and foremost, not about him- but your daughter. He has no right to make himself the most important person in this incident. If there is an abortion, it is her decision. And it must be because she has searched her heart and determined, with as much maturity as she can muster, that it is the best thing to do- not because of the threats of her father and your husband. I wonder how well he could live with himself if for the rest of her life, and his life, he would know that he forced upon his daughter something that in her heart she did not want to do? And I also wonder what he would do, if you looked him in the eye and said something like the following: "I love you. And I love my daughter. At this fragile time in her life she needs us both. However, if you force me to choose, I will stick with her at this time. Not because I do not love you. But, because she needs me the most at this time. I believe the best thing to do is for us to deal with this and work through this as a family. Please." And with time, and prayer, if this is a good man- then he will set aside his pride and embarassment and prejudice, and help you to love your daughter through this challenge. Also, I believe, this will be the greatest growing experience of his life. He, and yourself also, will come through this wiser and much more capable of loving others unconditionally. That is perhaps the greatest thing I learned through my daughter's pregnancy.
I sure wish there was a formula that would guarantee you a happy ending. I know you just can't go wrong with making love the ultimate purpose in every decision you make. "What is the most loving thing to do?" Always, ask this question. It seems you are connecting yourself with wise and kind people who will give you support, and that is good.
Racial prejudice is an ugly thing. I've grown up around it. It is hard to overcome- perhaps your husband will be one of those rare persons who finds a way to overcome it, and maybe your daughter's pregnancy will be the very tool used of God to bring this about. If so, Romans 8:28 will prove true once again!
Please keep me informed, and I promise to pray for you. I believe in my heart that you will find a way through this, as you trust God and follow your heart.
posted by:
Criedallout (
reply)
post date:
03.20.09 (8:12 am)
Thanks for your comments. You know, the sun keeps coming up every morning and God is good. I wonder why God trusts me to be as strong as he must think I can be? Because I sure don't know how we will handle our situation.
Since I commented last I spoke with the wife of our preacher. Just being able to speak about our situation out loud to another person besides my husband was so comforting. I laid it all out for her - race issue and all - and she was so loving. She cried with me and comforted me. She suggested that my husband is so angry and is dealing with it in his own way. She knows what a good man he is and like you, feels that he will come around. I went home that night and my husband and I talked a little more. I know that my daughter has decided to keep the baby. I am proud of her for her strong convictions! I know that it is the right thing to do. I have not told my husband of her decision and he has not asked, although I think he already knows. He said that she has ruined her life and that she has put a death sentence on her life. He cried. Later that evening, we connected as a couple. He hadn't loved me much for a few days - but we found each other again. There was such love and compassion between us and we cried together.
We haven't spoken of the "decision" since then. Tomorrow is abortion Saturday, but you have to have an appointment 12 hours before so that you can change your mind - so it won't be happening for our daughter. They do it every other Saturday where we live so there could be another opportunity for it to happen.
At this point, I don't want too many people to know about what's going on, but then I feel like the more people that were praying about our situation, the better things might get. I think I have already felt a shift in my husband's mindset - but then we really haven't talked about it much in the last couple of days. It is a relief not to have to talk about it, but then again I feel like we all just need to say it and know the decision and make plans and adjustments from here. My mind is consumed by the worries and what is to come. I do God says not to worry about what tomorrow will bring, but I'm really struggling with that!!
My husband really is a very loving, caring and giving husband, father, son, son-in-law, brother, friend, etc. and this is why I have been so taken aback by his reaction. I do appreciate and covet your continued prayers. I will be praying for you and your family as well. My email signature is: Be kinder than necessary --- everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle
Love simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly,
Leave the rest to God
Now to live it...
posted by:
Alijah (
reply)
post date:
04.01.09 (7:50 am)
Reply to: surrogate
Im 14years old and im pregnant.I wasnt thinking straight i thought it was love but NO,just lust.Im now 4months pregnant.My sister is getting me a job at the library.Im happy im bringing a little bundle of joy into the world but,Dissapointed Im bringing him in the world So early.Thanx for listening
Sincerely,Alijah
posted by:
Memaw (
reply)
post date:
04.18.09 (6:15 pm)
Hello Pastor Dave,
I haven't written for a long time, but you were my "lifesaver through Jesus Christ" back in August 2008. I found out my "perfect" daughter (as we all know there are none perfect except Jesue Christ through His immaculate birth from God" was pregnant by her "bestfriend". Noah Michael Wright will be 4 months old this April 22, 2009. We have been very fortunate in along with the joy of a "grandSon" (3 daughters and 1 wonderful granddaughter). Our daughter and Noah's father have only grown stronger and I'm sure they will be wed as soon as college is over. Noah is blessed to have support from grandparents on both sides. I firmly believe your site helped me obey God in this situation.
As I haven't been back to the blog in a while, the first new blog I see is about a "racial issue". you must know we are in the deep south (Tennessee) and there is a racial issue that is still alive. Given this info, I would like to comment on situation that some very fine Christian friends of ours had gone through a couple of years ago. They had a daughter who never seemed satisfied although she had grown up in a good environment. To make a long story short, a year after her high school graduation she moved with a boyfriend of to Las Veges NV. After a year or so the realtionship ended. After another year the daugther had plans of moving back to TN. She arrived back home and after 7 months they parents became aware that she was pregnant. She states she was raped at a Walmart store. It doesn't matter she has a wonderful daughter who has brought so much joy to her grandparents and our church that you know her life was part of a plan. I know that "rape" is not part of God's plan, but the way the daughter handled this situation and the way they grandparents have loved and accepted this grandchild (it doesn's matter what color, what situation, what choice...)was made the child is a gift from God. I love her so.......
Thank you for continuing your blog and your Christian thoughts and hopes for parents, children, and grandhcildren. God is Good, All the time.
God Bless All,
Memaw
posted by:
DC (
reply)
post date:
04.25.09 (6:22 pm)
My 19 year old daughter....is pregnant. Failed out of college, basically overturned everything I sacrificed as a single, sane mother to give her. Pray for me that my disappointment doesn't turn into bitterness and I don't disconnect from her. She's been away in college for nearly 2 years and has come home. I have a new life, I'm doing the things I've always wanted to do for my life. Pray for me to overcome my disappointment, anger, shame, embarrassment and other people's stigmas and prejudices.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.25.09 (6:32 pm)
Reply to: DC
Certainly I recognize and can personally feel your disappointment and challenge. I'm on vacation right now, in Hawaii, and yet I feel that empty feeling in my stomach as I read your words. And, you and I know that after the challenge and disappointment have initially run their courses, it is time to settle down and do what is good and right. That will involve loving your daughter through this crisis. Failed out of college? Rebellion is a mess, isn't it? My hope is that she has now crashed, and is ready to be more sensible with her approach to life. Lots of young adults get pregnant without being married. It's a tragedy, but not a crime. We certainly do not want to be enablers. But, face it, she likely is not mature enough nor does she have the resources to get through this by herself. So, you will love her and sacrifice for her. It's not fair! But, you and I set aside such thinking when we became parents! I'll pray for you. And, I'd sure like further communication. If you prefer, you can send personal e-mail to lylebunch(at)hotmail(dot)com.
posted by:
DC (
reply)
post date:
04.26.09 (8:10 pm)
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, your connection and your empathy. Shortly after I found this site and read others stories, the Holy Spirit was at work in my life. Convicting and comforting me to do the most loving thing I can do, the most loving thing that I've always done. And of course my pastor echoed the same sentiments this morning as if the sermon was just for me. God made me a nurturer, it's what I do and I can't turn it off just because the situation isn't what I'd like for it to be. My daughter has life lessons to learn and as much as I'd like for her to have a smooth road ahead, I can't pick and choose how she'll learn them. She's home with me and this is where she'll be. Thank you again for your compassion. I will continue to communicate with you.
Enjoy your vacation!! :-)
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.26.09 (8:39 pm)
Reply to: DC
I find it interesting, and affirming, how God confirms His direction for our lives through different channels. This morning I attended a local church, and sure enough the sermon was concerning a most specific matter I have been considering for quite some time. For me it was definitely a word from God!
Your daughter may or may not behave. Your challenge is to help her make it through these crazy times, so that she will emerge sane and healthy one day. With God's help you can do it!
Thanks for the encouragement about the vacation. It has been a lot of fun, and I am about worn down!
posted by:
RollerCoaster (
reply)
post date:
05.29.09 (10:10 pm)
Thank you everyone for sharing, it was greatly needed! I just found out 2 days ago that my daughter who just turned 20 on the 25th of May is pregnant. Her boyfriend is only 18 and he doesn't even have a job and she's going to school to be a nurse.
I've been on a roller coaster of emotions the past two days. I'm a single parent with 3 children, they are 10,18 and 20 and I've been having a very hard time financially, I almost lost my home this month but my 18 year old son saw me break down one day and he encourged me to sell what ever I could in our home, it worked and I paid our rent. This is all such a shock and such bad timing. I feel like it was so irisponsible and selfish of her. I thought that I raised her better than to do this and she's such a smart girl. I cry alone at night and I don't know how I get through each day. My 18 year old son is also so upset by this, ever since my husband left 2 years ago my son has tried to find his new role in the family and that has been a challenge of it's own but that has worked out well. I feel bad for him, I feel like he lost some of his youth. I can't take any of this back, I just want to make it all better. I don't even know if I'm making any sense, I'm just typing and crying. Why is that sometimes just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel some other challenge presents itself? If anyone is still reading, thank you. I'll take one day at a time and that's all I can do right now. I've given her prenatal vitamins, a book on pregnancy and told her that she needs to see a doctor soon. I told her that it was irrisponsible of her but I will be there for her, I have no other choice. I told her that I will provide a roof over her head and my love and support but that I am in no shape to help her financially. I don't know what's ahead of us but like I said before all I can do is to take it one day at a time.
I'm going to lay down and cry myself to sleep and just pray to God to comfort us through this and guide us through what's ahead.
Thanks again for listening. All of your posts were very comforting.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.30.09 (3:13 pm)
Reply to: RollerCoaster
I'm getting ready for our AWANA Banquet at church in just a few minutes. But, wanted you to know that I have read your response, and intend later today to interact a bit more thoroughly. Your pain is clear, and reminds me of how hard the news hit my wife and I. And your son- 18, and shouldering such a load. He should, in my opinion, move on to pursue whatever his dreams may be. Your daughter? She is very blessed to have such a sensitive and loving Mom. If you are a person of faith, I encourage you to pour your heart out to God, and continue until you can rise and have some peace in your heart. But, I've more to share, and will do so in the next day. God bless. You will make it, and the light will shine for you again.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.01.09 (6:47 am)
Reply to: RollerCoaster
You are responding quite well. Of course, emotionally, you've been hit in the stomach. It hurts. Most anyone would feel the jumbled desire to run, cry, and lash out. But then of course when it is all said and done, you have to do the right thing. And you are doing that. You love her. You will provide as best you can, and will always be there for her.
You've a 10-year-old? I hope his dad is paying child support, as would be proper and legal. If not, it is time to pursue such.
Selling furniture to pay the mortgage? I've seen more of that in these troubling financial times.
There is help out there, and while it might be humbling, it is also appropriate to find it and utilize it. Your daughter can get prenatal care. Do you have a church? As a spiritual family, it is their job and privilege to help you at this time. Give them the opportunity. And talk with your pastor- he or she will care, and offer spiritual and practical support.
When our girl became pregnant, life seemed to me to be the darkest it had ever been. I internalized the struggle and thus made it worse. My greatest support was my wife. I didn't advertise the matter out of shame. But, in retrospect, I should have opened up to friends and my family of faith. They were far less judgmental that I had envisioned- much more understanding and encouraging. I do not know your predisposition in understanding of God. But, be assured He knows and loves all that are involved quite deeply. I consider the words of Jesus to the woman caught in adultery: "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more." God is not in the business of condemning. We do that, ourselves, quite well. He, simply and with amazing ability, loves us through such troubling times.
How very much your daughter will need you for so many things. Guidance. Presense. Instruction. Prayer- lots of prayer.
Oh, and again I truly believe, encourage your son to get on with his life- pursue his dreams. A young man at his stage of life doesn't need for his wings to be clipped!
I would like for you to keep me informed with things. If you prefer to communicate on a more private forum, send me an e-mail. Now, t-blog distorts e-mail addresses, so here is mine in cryptic form!
lylebunch(at)hotmail(dot)com
God bless. Again today, I will say a prayer on your behalf.
posted by:
Bodhi (
reply)
post date:
09.20.09 (9:05 pm)
Good evening, all. I am here too; for the same reason. My 16 y/o daughter, who at 12 drank her first drink and at 15 entered her first rehab, is pregnant. Her boyfriend and she presented this information to me rather smugly about a month ago, and for that I question whether it was intentional. She has always been very self-destructive, and I have always gone above & beyond to help (enable) her. She went to three private schools, was accepted at a few exclusive prep schools and she couldnot allow herself to succeed. Despite her innate intelligence, uncanny ability to sense people's motivation and her amazing artistic qualities, she turned to drugs alcohol, and obviously sex in response to unfortunate but not uncommon life events,
She actually got pregnant the night after I took her to the GYN to discuss birth control.She couldnt wait the two weeks for the pill to take effect.
Hear me, at first had the grandest of plans; I would allow her and her boyfriend to become engaged, to somehow find the means to add on to my small house for a nursery, provide room & board for nothing in exchange for their committment to furthering their education. A is 16, a senior in a young mother's high school program. She wants to be a nurse. Amazing, how many of these young moms have aspirations of being a caregiver; it seems to speak to their need to be needed perhaps?
Boyfriend is 18; dropped out of high school but recently interviewed at my urging at the high school completion program. Has not calld them since. He is a nice kid but he is very unmotivated. He sits on my couch pretty much all day, on his computer. He sleeps til noon and is awake all night.
He will agree to do anything I ask, but does not follow through with most things. He does nothing voluntarily, and he lies to er about dumb things..but he loves her within his 18 year old capacity. The thing is; he would be a great father- he is like a dad to his two little siblings. He also knows what its like to have an absent father, so I dont think he's going to try to bail out. I just dont see him being a very motivated provider.
My daughter now tells me she is considering abortion, because it would be soo much easier and she is not sure she can 'handle' it; she doesnt want to get fat, she wants to 'go to college' (with her grades and motivatin she'll get into community college at best). My guess is, its dawning on her that she must now remain sober for a child; it was easy to let herself down; but a child? She sees the trap she could fall into, Im sure.
Mind you I want her to further her education as my mom did with me- at 19 I had my daughter; at 23 I got my bachelors; at 26 I got my masters in guess what- counseling!
Yup the mechanic's car never works LOL
In any case I have to keep my sense of humor else I will go batty.
I see a therapist, my son (12) sees a therapist. Those two? Oh they dont need one... she's a recovering drug addict with a history of eating disorder and severe depression. she refuses to go to counseling.
Here's my cart before the horse- how can I support them in productive manner that will not be overbearing but still maintain my own life, a clean and inviting home that I workedhard for, and provide the same support for my son? Being 16, she is still a minor; with a child or without. I think she believes that the pregnancy trumps the law!
The two of them stay up all hours,, make a huge mess, contribute the bare minimum in chores and have NO money nor are they seeking a job or anything.
They're basically shacking up in my living room.They sleep on separate couches because A has 'nightmares' and cannot sleep in her room.
If I tell boyfriend to get it together or move back with his parents, she'll bolt with him. She'll come back of course, because she'll never have the level of committed support from an adult that she has here.
Then, my son, who has gotten attached to the boyfriend after I divorced, will be left without a male in his life- yet again.
I think she's telling me about ger abortion ideas to get me to say 'dont do it' so she can use that later when she 'needs' to go out and it was 'my idea' that she keep the baby. She can be very manipulative. addicts recover but their lies and deceptions can remain! I suggested to her after long thought that perhaps she could have the child and place it for open adoption? This was shut down pronto with the 'if I cant have my baby, nobody can'. I suggested she may want to consider someone within the family to adopt, such as me- that would free her in the sense that she would still see her child, but the responsibility would fall to me. also, it would allow me to collect an adoption subsidy which is a HECK of a lot better than the two of them on welfare for years!
So I have one really big dilemma. Should I continue to refrain from sharing my opinion about being pro-life? Should I warn her that she will never, ever forgive herself? I know that while I would forgive her, I would not ever feel the same deep connectedness if she were to end my grandchild's life.
To me, reproductive rights are simple. You have the right to choose to reproduce. Once you reproduce, your rights transfer to the life within. So bring on the birth control, but abortion is NOT a right.
BTW I am spiritual in the sense that I pray, I believe in angels, karma and powers greater than us but I am NOT a member of organized religion. So my opinion of abortion is really logical rather than religious or political.
I am definately rambling. Bless you all :-)
Bodhi
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
09.21.09 (4:16 am)
Reply to: Bodhi
I'll be out of town and away from the internet for a couple of days. It is good that you have come upon this site, and I want you to know that I intend to interact with you when I get back. Be assured of my prayers. Sometimes, and even oftentimes, it is good just to "get it out". No doubt you already have the resources to deal with this matter, with God's help. And you and I know that anger with your daughter will not translate into unwise treatment of her and her situation- more than anything else, you love her. God bless.
posted by:
Brenda (
reply)
post date:
11.11.09 (6:27 am)
Hi Pastor Dave,
it's been a long time since i've been here. My daughter Shelby who will be 18 in about 2 weeks had her son Brody, in Jan. He is absolutely beautiful, smart,and the best behaved baby i've ever seen [ and i have 5 kids!!!]. Shelby is still living with me. Baby daddy is long gone. but, his mom is involved in Brody's life. She has recently broken up with her boyfriend. All they did was fight. But, he gives her rides and they still talk. [she doesn't have her license yet]..
Pastor Dave ,, i love that baby!!! and i want to do whatever is in his best interest always!!! But, Shelby takes advantage of the situation. She goes out with her friends and won't tell me when she'll be home and sometimes stays out all night. [ i keep Brody ] I don't want to tell her i won't keep him because i don't feel she will do what is in his best interest. ie...smoking around him, staying out all night etc....she loves this baby but, she is [almost] 18 and immature. it's all about Shelby,,, i love Shelby and want to help her but, i feel i have to so what is best for Brody...can you help???
please respond.
thank you
Brenda
p.s. this is the short version of what is going on because i'm @ work.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.11.09 (10:21 am)
Reply to: Brenda
Certainly it is disturbing that Shelby would stay out all night without letting you know what is going on. That would make anyone feel used. Our daughter has her own place, but we are very involved in her life and the life of her baby. We have agreed to watch her baby overnight one night per week. And yes, it bothers me to think about what she is likely doing while out that night. But it gives her a chance to do whatever her little worldly mind insists upon doing and yet her baby is safe. Then, every other weekend, the baby stays with her dad. So, K has what I consider to be more than sufficient time for herself. Sure she will sometimes try to manipulate us into more, but we try to hold out ground. We watch Skylar almost every day while she works. So, enough is enough! And with the freedom is the chance that K will be unwise, but we have to give her freedom and trust she will do the right thing. And since she is generally a smart girl who truly loves her child, she does o.k.
In my opinion, you will have to trust your daughter, even though she is young and immature and selfish and all those other things that go with being a teenage parent. And most likely she will rise to the challenge. It's the "most likely" that gives us cause to worry!
Yes, you love that little one! Isn't he a joy, and truly a gift from God!
posted by:
Carolyn (
reply)
post date:
11.13.09 (7:25 am)
I've been reading this blog since the beginning of the year. At that time, I was going through the most difficult time of my life. My 16 year old daughter was pregnant. I searched the internet for information and guidance and stumbled across this site, which provided me with a lot of spiritual healing - and I thank you!
My daughter was always shy and reserved. When she got into junior high and high school, she found a group of friends who "took her in" to their clique. Turns out these friends were into about every bad thing there is out there! My daughter was getting suspended from school, sneaking out of the house, getting into fights, drinking, drugs, etc. When I found out she was pregnant, there was not one good thing I could see coming from it. Her dad and I talked with her about her options, the whole family was against her having this baby, but she was determined (at the time I thought she was just stubborn). I just knew she would never be able to take care of a baby because she couldn't even take care of herself.
I want everyone to know that God gives you what you need, not what you want, and this baby was exactly what my daughter needed! My daughter was determined, to take care of herself and have a healthy baby. She did everything she was supposed to do, stayed in school, and had a healthy baby girl in July. Our granddaughter is the most beautiful thing and has touched our hearts in a way I never imagined. Not only has she become the joy in our lives, she has brought our daughter back to us too. We all live together and have not been this happy in quite a few years. Grandpa loves this baby and sees what he missed out on when our kids were young - because he was younger and always working. I love being a Grandma and am there for my daughter to show her how to be a good mother - even though she's doing such a good job on her own, I'm there if she needs me. I love this baby so much and my daughter too. Teenage years are the toughest there are, and sometimes a parent might not see there is good still to come. I thank God every day for blessing our family. I couldn't have gotten through this without putting it in his hands and knowing he was doing what needed done.
To the parents out there facing a pregnant teenage daughter, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I hope your situation turns out as good as ours has. You can make it, talk to friends and family but don't go at it alone. Trust in God!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.13.09 (4:44 pm)
Reply to: Carolyn
What wonderful word from your heart. I know they will serve as encouragement to many who stumble upon this blog. It has been about 4 years since I first learned by daughter was pregnant, and I vividly remember how dark was that moment. Then, like yourself, I learned how wonderful God helps to work through such things especially when you are weak and find yourself absolutely having to trust Him. Who could imagine such blessing coming from such a mess! Again, your words are a great encouragement.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.13.09 (4:46 pm)
Excuse the typos!
posted by:
maxine (
reply)
post date:
11.19.09 (3:44 am)
hi..i have just come across your blog as im searching for guidence myself...i have just found out my 17yr old daughter E is pregnant and im really struggling with this. she had been with this guy L on and off for nearly 2 years!!! she had moved in with him the begining of this year AGAINST my wishes and came home after a couple of months because of his controlling manipulative ways...onoly to move BACK to him in less than a week!!!! at the begining of october she left him again, after weeks of "planning her escape" as she was terrified of how he would react towards her if he found out she wanted to come home. since coming home she turned into her old self again.she was relaxed,confident,had her friends back and was restarting her college course in hairdressing...THEN 2 weeks ago she did a test and revealed she was pregnantt..i was confused as to all intents and purposes she and he no longer had relations for months before she came home? she had decided it was best for her considering the situation,to have a termination...up until monday this week!!! although she had said she wanted no more to do with L and was soooo releaved to be out of his clutches.....SHE TOLD HIM....????WHY?
Now...she has decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and that sick madman is now BACK IN HER LIFE!!!! im beside myself with worry and anger and stressing out at my 2 younger girls...wich isnt fair as they are only 5 and 4!!!! my eldest daughter is nearly 20 and has just had a baby and has been trying to persuade E to rethink as being a parent is REALLY HARD but E caught up i n a fairytale ending!!! I NEED HELP AS I DONT THINK I CAN DEAL WITH THIS...I "HATE" L WITH A PASSION FOR ALL HE HAS DONE..I CANNOT JUST FORGET...AND I CANNOT BE HAPPY FOR MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER E...
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.25.09 (4:20 am)
Reply to: maxine
Indeed, you have a lot to deal with. This situation is not fair to you, and certainly a difficult intrusion for your 5 & 4 year olds.
As for the crazy behavior of a 17-year-old girl/teen/woman- it is so encouraging to see the nice and sweet and sane version that seems to always belong to someone else! I went to a pastor's meting the other day, and a friend brought his 17-year-old daughter. She sat and took notes, prayed, and came across as just too good to be true. My girl, who is now 20, is a different creature. She still drives me crazy in several ways. And, I'll confess, I have a hard time liking her. She is not what I want her to be. Without being overly controlling and manipulative, still I can say she has much more potential than she is showing.
Still, let's get back to reality. Sounds to me like, somewhere along the way, the boyfriend is going to be out of the picture. Likely it will take a while, along with lots more drama, but it will happen. And since you are a parent who truly loves her child, you will be there for her. And because she is a free moral being, as much as it may pain you, you will have to let her work through this bad relationship. Likely the more you object to the guy, the more she becomes determined to stay with him? So, as much as you can, keep your opinion to yourself and singularly concentrate on keeping communication with your daughter.
How old is this guy, and does he have supportive and sane parents? Important questions because a baby is on the way. For us, the grandparents on the other side are an important and helpful part of the family for Skylar, our now 3year-old granddaughter. The "dad" is still a work in progress, similar to my daughter, but we team up as grandparents to make sure Skylar is o.k.
Is your husband supportive? Do you have a supportive network- hopefully a church- to lean on during these tought times? Friends are vital.
Please keep me posted. As overwhelming as matters seem, I'm confident you will make it through this time. Recently I read that over 40% of children in America, today, are born to parents who are not married. No doubt that statistic includes a lot of 17-year-old moms.
I'm glad she has you.
