Let's Get The Pregnant Girl Saved
My Teenage Daughter Is Pregnant, Part II
I was a teenager and fairly new to my Christian faith. On Tuesday evenings we would have outreach visitation at church. I was quite sincere about wanting others to follow Christ, and rounded up a few guys my age to help me with these outreach efforts. The buzz at the school concerned a young lady, my age, who lived in the community adjacent to the church. She was pregnant. We decided to go, visit with her, and encourage her to come to church. After all, this would be the "Christian" thing to do. She may have been a terrible sinner, but we were going to show her the way! Now I knew her, but not well. We waited at the same bus stop, and would sometimes hang around as a group. But I never bothered to make any effort to be her friend, or get to know her very well. I never really thought about her, or prayed for her, until that evening. Our effort was to get her soul saved. As I recall, and this happened about thirty years ago, nothing very impressive happened during our "visit" that evening. We talked a few minutes, invited her to church, and had prayer. She never came to church, and we never really talked again. Later she dropped out of school, had her baby, and seemed to just disappear. But I felt justified, because I had done my "duty".
Excuse the salty language, but my treatment of this young lady was "full of crap". A wiser, more seasoned Christian should have schooled me in true evangelism, that I had no right to try to "save her soul" until I had built a relationship and truly cared for her as a person. Why should she listen to me? I did not love her.
I remember that her dad met us at the corner of the house, and brought her out to talk with us. He never said a word; just stood there with a grim face and stared. I did not think much about it at the time, except that he seemed a little distant. Now I am that man, and I pretty much know what was going on inside his mind, and heart. His heart was broken but he loved his daughter. And he may not have been a church-going man, but he discerned quite clearly what we were up to. We represented the typical church-goer, and we did not really care about his daughter. She was just a number, a potential church attender. We did not truly love his daughter. We were too busy passing judgment.
Now my girl is pregnant, and I am the dad. The church-going dad. And I think she needs not to know of my disappointment unless she doubly knows of my love. I go with her to public places, although it is obvious she is pregnant and not wearing a wedding band. It bothers me, a little, but loving her is more important than my comfort. Right? People ask about her at church. I want to apologize for her, but never do. She is much more than "pregnant"; she is my daughter, and really a remarkable person. True? Sometimes she does not attend church, and sometimes she still does things for which I do not approve. But I have thought about this matter of freedom. If she is to ever develop a healthy lifestyle and faith, then she will do so through the freedom of personal choice. At this point in life, I can no longer infuse faith into her. And, guess what? I trust her. The process is working.
Next: How the church responds to the news that their pastor's daughter is pregnant.
01.06.06 (3:54 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (11:12 am)
Oh Dave, I can't tell you how much I've always disliked when folks do the "outreach" stuff, perhaps for the same reasons you came understand. I'm not sure why, but it's always made me ill and angry when I've been approached. My problem, I'm sure.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (11:16 am)
...a little more... I always picture the "roundtable discussion" afterward at some church with punch and cookies where everyone talks about their day/evening roping where stories are compared and more efficient methods of coercion are brainstormed. I know, I know... cynical as all get out.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (11:18 am)
How arrogant of this group of Christians, of whom I was a part, to treat another person with such contempt. Jesus amazies me with the respect he shows for the "sinner". We can certainly learn a thing or two. My daughter deserves respect. Her being pregnant does not change things one bit. I just hope I can practice what I preach in this matter.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (11:19 am)
Reply to: surrogate
You know the processs quite well. I suspect you've done a bit of "outreach visitation".
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (11:26 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
Nope... but it was quite popular in my town when I was in high school. Drove me crazy.
posted by:
almsthvn (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (11:33 am)
Reply to: surrogate
I got roped into attending a Mary Kay cosmetics meeting and it was very much like you described. The ladies shared their "tricks" for fishing in new people. Like piranha with perfectly applied eyeliner. Shiver.
posted by:
almsthvn (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (11:34 am)
As a preacher's daughter, I wanna give you a hug for putting your love for your daughter above her choices
If she felt her own parents had turned against her, no telling what that road might lead to.
*hug*
posted by:
SnuggleB163 (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (11:35 am)
The out rech has come to me and they they dont care i see that but nothing against you.. At the time you thought you were doing right... And you dont need to apologize for her and neither does she to the church that is. She is her own women and she has made up her mind and all you can do is love this child and she will fullfill her dreams and so will her little girl... Good Luck
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (12:05 pm)
Reply to: almsthvn
So I guess you will not be driving around in a Mary Kay Cadillac?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (12:14 pm)
Reply to: almsthvn
So, you're a PK!
You have turned out to be a person who brings honor to your parents, I imagine. If I can just help K to get through these crazy years, I know she will be just fine.
Thanks for the encouragement.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (12:16 pm)
Reply to: SnuggleB163
I still wish she would admit to me that she has messed up and put us through hell. The words have never been spoken, although I think she deeply appreciates our steady love. I've been told not to demand or expect such words. To just love.
posted by:
ruined (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (3:14 pm)
That's one thing I respect about you, already, though I've just started reading your blog. Not only are you a pastor... you're a FATHER. You know your duties as both and you're performing them very well. You are standing by your daughter with an unconditional love, which is more than what any daughter in any position could ask for. Now THAT is refreshing!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.06.06 (3:39 pm)
Reply to: ruined
Very kind.
I'm working on the "unconditional love" issue. Gotta a long way to go. I think unconditional love is at the heart, the essence, of the Christian faith. The very definition of God's love, most clearly demonstrated by Jesus Christ, we're most like God when we practice such.
Come to think of it, maybe this is a life-lesson to be learned because of K? One of those good out of bad kind of things. I believe we'll all step into another understanding of such when the baby comes along.
Thanks for the encouragement.
posted by:
almsthvn (
reply)
post date:
01.07.06 (4:07 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
re: cadillac - no way, jose! That was a scary experience!
posted by:
oneswtladee206 (
reply)
post date:
01.07.06 (10:45 am)
Wow... I'g glad you are supporting your daughter in her time of need especially in your position... thanks for coming by my blog and commenting. Yes, what you said is true... I've been praying for guidance and that he show me the path that I am suppose to take with the situastions in my life. I love that feeling.
posted by:
sweetsue (
reply)
post date:
01.07.06 (3:39 pm)
You were young and did what you thought was right for the church and what they wanted..but in your heart..you really didn't at that point know the true meaning of love thy neighbor..and like many others it is something we must feel in our hearts and sometimes it takes something like that to realize our mistakes..you as a preacher,teacher,father and more mature person now..learned..and that is the key word..you learned and grew by it....and now you are faced with a similiar situation as that father was..but now its from the heart...although you still feel the embrassment continue to pray for strenghth,guidance,compassion and most of all and above all other people,love your daughter and yourself for what is truly within your soul..good people...without the mistakes we never grow and mature...God will see to you and your families needs..I believe that with all my heart..Bless you all.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.08.06 (3:36 am)
Reply to: almsthvn
Sounds like a fun meeting... those do work similarly.
posted by:
BronwynJ (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (6:43 pm)
"I still wish she would admit to me that she has messed up and put us through hell."
I found this troubling.
Try not to hold her (supposed) sin over her like a big stick.
Learn to respect her as a human being who is separate from you.
Remind yourself: "What my daughter has done in the privacy of her own bedroom is none of my business".
What hell has she put you through?
I hope your father personality wins out over the pastor one.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (5:17 pm)
Reply to: oneswtladee206
Praying. So important. Keep praying. And waiting goes right along, waiting for God to speak.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (5:19 pm)
Reply to: sweetsue
Thanks, sweetsue. A big part of life, a big reason for this life I think, is learning and growing. Maybe God is most interested in this matter transpiring in our lives. I hope and pray to be a good student. Sometimes, though, the understanding of the lesson is quite slow.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (5:28 pm)
Reply to: BronwynJ
"I hope your father personality wins out over the pastor one."
Another quite interesting comment from you!
I'd like to be as kind as a pastor as I seek to be as a father.
I haven't told the whole story about K. No need, necessarily. There have been alot of challenges along the way, many sleepless nights, encounters with law enforcement, nights in jail and detention centers, nights when I would get up and find her just gone, drugs,....! A very difficult relationship. I've got two other teenagers, and they have not gone in this direction whatsoever. K is just different. A puzzle. And I love her. And she is special, and probably will wind up outperforming all the rest of our family in this great arena of life. But, boy have I gotten old in a hurry just being her dad.
Now this stuff about what my daughter has done in the privacy of her own bedroom being none of my business? Do you really believe that? I dont't want my kids having premarital, and especially unprotected, sex. Sex is much too precious and sacred of a gift to be treated so casually. I'm not a prude, but my ideal is for my children to have high moral and ethical standards. We all fall short, but standards are good.
Please explain, and I will think about what you have to share!
posted by:
BronwynJ (
reply)
post date:
01.16.06 (12:28 am)
Wow PD, I didn't realise you'd been through all that, & yes, I can understand why you called it 'hell'.
I do think your daughter either is aware - or more likely, will be aware as she matures & experiences motherhood in future years - just what she has put you through. Your daughter is still a teenager, & that is a selfish stage, I have found.
I have had a loved one go through an unplanned teenage pregnancy. It upsets me when the parents in these situations think it's all about them, & their reputation, & are less than supportive of their daughters.
It will always impact more largely on the teenage mother, than it will on her parents.
I realise you would like K to pay her way - however who is going to be caring for her baby all day & all night? Caring for a new baby can be a full time job for more than two adults, depending on what the baby is like! How is K going to cope with being separated from her baby during the day, studying &/or working, & after hours caring for her baby too?!
K is the best person to care for her own child - & the only person who can breastfeed her/him.
Is there such a thing as "supporting parents benefit" or similar social security benefit, available to K, so that she can be a full time mother?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.16.06 (6:18 pm)
To BronwynJ,
Looks like there is no ready way for you to know I have responded to your post, unless you come back this way and check. Hopefully Rocky & guys will correct this glitch soon.
I think the luxury and joy of being a stay-at-home mom is just not a likelihood for K. She will have to do her best. Although we will help, neither my wife nor I can do so at this time. K will just have to work. We will watch the little one a good bit, I imagine. She can arrange her work schedule to be as convenient as possible. And, there's Daycare, although I don't much like the idea. Breastfeeding? Certainly that's the best way to nourish a newborn, but it probably won't be an option because of K's need to work.
It's a tough situation. But, K will get through it, and be a good mother and a better person because of the challenge.
