The Church Finds Out My Daughter Is Pregnant
My Teenage Daughter is Pregnant, Part III
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As the reality of K’s pregnancy registered, I thought about quitting. The words of Timothy came to mind: “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)” – (3:4-5). I determined not to bring embarrassment to my church. But the hard-nosed part of me was thinking, “This is a private, family matter. It is really nobody’s business.” I decided to keep it quiet and make no speeches. K rarely attended church and no one seemed to notice. But, time marches on, and so does a pregnancy. I talked with a couple of wise men in strict confidentiality. They stated their respect and absolute support, and both men individually told me I might be surprised with how the church would respond. But I have dealt with churches and church people for the better part of 30 years. I have known of pastors who have been forced to leave over this issue. I could envision a campaign of gossip and ebbing support, decreasing offerings and attendance, leading to the inevitable. So I bided my time and prayed.
The moment came when I decided to share this matter with the church. It was a Sunday morning, and I told my family what was going to happen. K decided not to be present. I simply told the story: A four-year struggle with a rebellious teenager…A mistake she has made that really, most anyone is susceptible to…A developing child that is precious and a gift from God…Forgiveness&nb sp; and acceptance on my part…A resolve that my daughter is more important than my job. I clearly stated that I do not need pity; lots of folks go through this and I am blessed. I just want my church family to know, and I am going to hold my head up high
What transpired was amazing to me. I am still deeply touched as I think about it. The mood was somber. At the close of the service, I stated that I wanted no one to come to the altar on my behalf, and the congregation graciously complied. As I stood at the exit to greet and converse with the parishioners, interesting interactions began to happen. People walked up to me with a pensiveness and honesty I had seldom seen before. A couple of elderly and outstanding ladies of the church told me of their unexpected pregnancies before marriage. One lady, with tears in her eyes, told of how she had forced her teenage daughter to abort her child, and of the broken relationship that remains. The teenagers seemed to have a heightened respect for me. And the men, they did not say much, but everyone seemed to let it be known that I was their pastor and they had no problem with me. It seemed as if a door had been opened for confession, honesty, and communication. Almost instantly our church was enveloped with an ease of honesty and sweetness of fellowship. What a day, and to think that I feared it
This last Sunday afternoon, the church had a baby shower for my K. Honestly, I was dreading it, for it was a reminder once again to the whole world that my daughter is pregnant. But, quite a baby shower it was. All the ladies came: young and old, members and those just visiting, longtime and newcomers. And the gifts were amazing. When they were brought to the house, they pretty much filled the entire living room floor. K thinks she must have almost everything she could possible need for this baby, and the gift certificates will take care of the rest. I sat at home and thought deeply about what was transpiring at the church. These people seized this opportunity to love my daughter. Wow.
Here’s my statement to my church:
Thank you for being so kind
Thank you for loving my daughter
Thank you for not judging
Thank you for being true friends
Thank you for being a real church. My church.
01.10.06 (7:02 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
Sillygrrl3 (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (2:13 pm)
That is a beautiful experience and story. Your leadership in honesty will be repaid! *Grin* In Small Group Training we say Speed of the leader Speed of the group.
Your honesty will break down walls.
kara
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (2:38 pm)
Just a beautiful story...
posted by:
sweetsue (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (2:46 pm)
Truly awesome....one that goes right to the heart..fear not...see you just have to leave it in the hands of the lord...and I am sure you feel so much better now that it is out in the open..and what a caring congregation...I am very happy that it turned out good..now you can concentrate on being a truly awesome pop-pop^-^
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (4:10 pm)
Reply to: Sillygrrl3
I'm learning about the need for transparency with others. Its a leadership principle that wasn't taught in seminary.
Honesty. Not easy, is it?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (4:11 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
Thanks. If you were to see me, you would have a hard time connecting me with "beauty". Now, my daughter K, that's a different story.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (4:13 pm)
Reply to: sweetsue
For several years, I don't think I really appreciated this congregation. I looked at the negatives. Their real quality as a family has now shined so brightly. I am blessed.
"pop-pop", that's a grandfather, right? I'm just not old enough for that.
posted by:
SnuggleB163 (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (4:33 pm)
Thats great.. I knew they would show you nothing but love, respect for you, your daughter, and the rest of your family... Best of luck and wishes for the monthes to come..
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (4:43 pm)
Reply to: SnuggleB163
I surmise that you have had some pretty good experiences with churches. I know that is the way people should be treated. It is refreshing, and reaffirming, to have it truly happen.
posted by:
BronwynJ (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (6:50 pm)
What a lovely bunch of parishioners to be so kind to your daughter, good on them!
It's so much easier to like someone who is 'real' - a person who is honest & shares something meaningful about themselves - especially someone who is showing evidence of being on the upward path towards understanding of others, & kindness & compassion.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (7:07 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
That's right. I forgot what an ugly cuss you are... Okay. I take it back. Your daughter may in fact be beautiful, but you're an ugly cuss.
posted by:
LadyG (
reply)
post date:
01.10.06 (8:09 pm)
Pastor Dave I am so happy that you and your daughter experienced this great outpouring of love,you are a great example of a chosen leader that has let God guide him each step of the way.
posted by:
hardtoimagine (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (6:31 am)
How wonderful that your church family was able to open up and show such love to both you and your daughter. Just goes to show that honestly can go a long way. I'm sure they will have much more respect for you after what you have shared.
My father found out the hard way that not being open and honest about his family broke down the relationships in his church rather than making them stronger.
posted by:
ruined (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (6:42 am)
Wow! That's all that really comes to mind, right now.
I really wish there were churches in my area like that. All of the churches I've been to are all about judging, maintaining appearances, and being nothing short of puritan. To have a church be so ready to accept, love, and forgive would be so refreshing. Afterall, isn't that the true spirit of Jesus?
posted by:
preceptlady (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (8:08 am)
What comes to mind is: God is in total control...during the good and the bad. I am thinking this baby will be such a blessing. Wait and see
posted by:
funkadelichika (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (10:49 am)
Wow. Cannot believe the churchs reaction....
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (4:44 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
Thanks for remembering.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (4:46 pm)
Reply to: LadyG
I'm not sure. But God has blessed me, for sure. K is doing well, today the Dr. told her the baby has "dropped", so who knows when. Soon, within 6 weeks, we think.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (4:49 pm)
Reply to: hardtoimagine
Maybe, some day when you are comfortable, you could share with me more about your father and his story. I'd be interested, and would no doubt benefit from it. Straitforwardness about matters of personal vulnerability are not easy. When unsure, wear a mask, seems to be the tendency. Including myself. This experience with my church ranks high in learning for me. Thank you for the kind words.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (4:51 pm)
Reply to: BronwynJ
"...being on the upward path towards understanding of others, & kindness & compassion..."
I like that. I desire that as a true description of myself. Kindness, compassion, understanding of others- I think such words describe Jesus. I've got very far to go. But, if it is at least a trend, and at least I am moving forward a little, then it is a good thing.
Thank you for a very thoughtful comment.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (4:55 pm)
Reply to: ruined
I think I have sold this church short for several years. I, too, have had some hard experiences with churches. It has caused me to be guarded, closed, cautious, even scared. I guess I would have gone on like that, except this experience forced me to be vulnerable. I've been such before, and really got burned. You should read my old post about my efforts to bring integration to a church, and how I was railroaded out. But, these guys, this time, came through with more love than I could have imagined.
I think we just have to continue to be vulnerable to the church. Sometimes we will get burned, and sometimes we will discover God's true people. You've got to do that, too!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (4:57 pm)
Reply to: preceptlady
You think so?
Skylar is due in 6 weeks. K is so excited. She now has the room ready, and is planning everyday.
If God is in control, then surely blessings are in store. Maybe this baby will turn out to be an incredible blessing for all of us. Wouldn't that be great?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (4:59 pm)
Reply to: funkadelichika
I know the church is to be the family of God, a mysterious and wonderful collection of special people with that amazing characteristic of love. Unfortunately, the average church of today is nothing like that. So, it is special when we truly make contact with the real, honest-to-goodness church. I think I've done that. And, I've been in some kind of church work for about 25 years. This is refreshing.
Thanks.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (5:17 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
GandpaDave... I love it! You'll be a wonderful Grandpa. May you and your wife have the good fortune not to get labeled with the nicknames my maternal grandparents lived with through God knows HOW many grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Momoo and Dadoo.
Honest.
posted by:
keidz (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (6:26 pm)
i'm was deeply touched by your story.
i hope there will be many more people like you and your parishioners that are willing to accept and respect others.
---
in this time and age of teenage pregnancies, abortion, unwedded bliss, and all others--- we really need to understand, love and support those who needs to be. i hope others will forget hypocrisy and accept that fact that these things do happen now.
posted by:
graceshaker (
reply)
post date:
01.11.06 (10:49 pm)
as i read this post im warmed inside to hear of your churches response. that honesty thing is what i think destroys barriers faster than anything - especially in a church culture where keeping up the perfect appearance in the sight of all is vital to survival bc everyone knows that the pastors only sin is an infrequent curse word slipping out when the cowboys lose or a t-shot goes awry.
but im a pastor and i am not very perfect. in fact im a hooligan - which is why i take comfort in the kind of guys jesus chose as disciples. they werent the religious leaders of the day. they werent even good upstanding moral citizens. they were ruddy fishermen and greedy tax collectors and some guys who by todays standards would pass for terrorists.
and he took them and loved them and showed them how to live and when they fell and betrayed him and deserted him he loved them still. and in this i find solace. paul explains this better than i have in 1 corinthians 13 where he says...
love keeps no record of wrongs...
God bless you and your family as it grows and may his glory be shown as he works all things to the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. Ü
posted by:
Rand (
reply)
post date:
01.13.06 (8:46 am)
Dave you have touched my heart! Doesn't god work wonders in way we never could think of.... Turning your K's life circumstances into relating their own life circumstances. I know your heart was full of positive emeotion by the way the congregation reacted but also the way so many of the congreation could bring out things that they were maybe ashamed of or trying to hide. God Bless you Pastor Dave! My Prayers for K is that she and that precious baby will be healthy and both will love each other deeply for the rest of their lives. Again you touched my heart!
posted by:
DrForbush (
reply)
post date:
01.13.06 (2:47 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
I thinking that you are so lucky to have such a great congregation. But, you are also lucky that no one discovered the pregnacy before you told the church. Rumors could have spread and hostility could have emerged before you could tell your story. Then, of course, it is much more difficult to turn the tide around.
You certainly have positive karma!
posted by:
DRAMA (
reply)
post date:
01.29.06 (8:41 am)
It is stories like this that remind me of my early days in Sunday School. Simple lessons, "treat others as you would have them treat you." ...and here that is, acted out in your congregation, honesty met with honesty, love with love.
Congratulations Pastor, you must be doing something right.
Best wishes to your daughter and the little one too.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.29.06 (7:09 pm)
Reply to: DRAMA
I believe the most profound truths are also the most simple. We start hearing them in Sunday School, and perhaps we grasp them sometime before we pass on. And sometimes it takes a life-shaking crisis. Thanks.
posted by:
desism (
reply)
post date:
12.28.07 (4:55 am)
pastor dave,
what a touching story! thank u for sharing. happy holidays!
am new to tblog, and i saw ur blog from ladyg.
desism
posted by:
teenbaby2931 (
reply)
post date:
03.23.08 (3:24 pm)
my mom wouldn't let me go to church when I told her because she was embarrassed but she eventually got over it all! She still wont care for Nana but I am glad that she will acknowledge she exists and just care about her. You're daughter seens like a miracle and ur grand-daughter all in the same!! God Bless you and them for everything for all to you and them.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.24.08 (6:28 pm)
Reply to: teenbaby2931
I can understand a little of how shocked and confused your mother must surely have been. Embarassed? Seems I remember your saying this was the result of an assault, and not your fault? First your mom needed to do all she could to arrest and prosecute the perpetrator. Then she should have spent every ounce of time and emotion in support for you. Embarassed? I would think she would be even more proud of a daughter strong enough to be willing to endure a pregnancy because of her value for life. I don't think anyone could expect or require such of you, which makes your courage and character even more worthy of respect. Care for the child? I guess she is trying to teach you to be responsible. Give your mom some time, and I suggest gently trying to get her involved in the care of your baby. My goodness, at your age you are close to being a child yourself. That little one needs the added stability and love that your mom can surely provide. And you need her too.
I wish your mom would get on this blog and interact with me a bit. I think I would like her, and may have some insights to pass along.
posted by:
teenbaby2931 (
reply)
post date:
03.24.08 (7:06 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
My mother is a nice woman don't get me wrong, she is 62 married and divorced 3 times and currently a single mom of 3 kids (me, brother 16, brother 23) she was kind enough to adopt but she didn't like the situation!!
She always says You may not have done it but you got yourself into it to let it happen (none of which is true)!!
My mom goes to church prays to god all the time since NANA was born and so do I.
I claimed to know christ when I was 12 and was baptized...but now I don't think I truely did until I had Nana because thanks to her I pray everyday (most the day, read my bible every night, and go to my youth group every Wed. and Sun. nights (plus sunday school and church)...I have never been more involved in my life than I am now with Christ!! And my mom well she is my mom no matter how she is sometimes!!
posted by:
teenbaby2931 (
reply)
post date:
03.24.08 (7:08 pm)
Also I know everyone says prosecution should be the way but in this case it isn't!!
love teen+sleeping baby!! 2931
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.24.08 (7:12 pm)
Reply to: teenbaby2931
Perhaps by your refusal to bring a rapist to justice, you are giving him permission and opportunity to do the same to someone else?
posted by:
teenbaby2931 (
reply)
post date:
03.24.08 (7:22 pm)
He is dating me now he cares for her as much as I do and his parents and mine know what happen were they happy at first no but now they are all fine and they care about the baby...I don't want my baby to grow up adn find out she was a "rape" baby like so many of my friends!! Her daddy cares for her and me now!! I am not saying this to justify what he did he knows and I know it was wrong but we want to let that part go we started a new relationship and start when Nana arrived and I plan on trying ot keep it that way I really like him and he loves me and his daughter!! I don't want to punish him 2 years after the fact...which since it happened he has only been dating me and he doesn't go around raping people...he did it once to me and it was because the "guys" kept asking him why he hadn't "laid" me yet after dating for 5 years!!
posted by:
conservativeguy (
reply)
post date:
07.24.08 (12:04 pm)
Pastor Dave I am an evangelical christian and have had a relationship with the Lord for 25 years .I hate putting it like that because i'm sure the Holy Spirit has had one with me before i even recognized my need for him.I am writing you after coming unto your blog looking for support or comfort for my teenage daughter's unwed pregnancy.I am so heartbroken that words cannot even express but i did find some comfort in reading about Skylar.I know that Our Lord is faithful and actually will bring good out of this but it is so hard right now.How do you react and what do suggest for hearing the best news in the world and the worst news in the world all in one situation.P.S. How is your daughter doing now?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.24.08 (8:24 pm)
Reply to: conservativeguy
It's tough. To me it felt very much like a punch in the gut. All the air, all the joy of life, was sucked out of me. But I had those 3 things which the scriptures promise to remain- faith, hope, love. Faith in God that indeed He was at work. Hope for my daughter and especially for her soon to come baby. And love, a stubborn belief that love would carry me through these dark times. Notice please that emotions were not reliable at this time. I didn't like what was happening, nor did I like my daughter and her crazy rebellion and lack of sense. I didn't even like life. Thank God that He was there. And His people.
Advice?
Stay close to your spouse.
Don't try to hide this matter from fellow Christians. Don't advertise it of course, but Godly people will be a great source of strength for you.
Love your daughter. Of course, be wise with it.
Know for sure this developing baby is not in any way to be blamed. Surely, only to be welcomed and to be loved.
You'll make it. These times are hard, but believe me that life could be harder and worse.
My Skylar continues to be a great joy. My daughter is about to finish her second year of College. She works a well-paying job, manages her own apartment, and is a good mother. She's not deeply spiritual at this time of life. But i keep praying, and know god is at work in her life. My wife and I do all we can to help her out- our time, invested in her and Skylar, is a great investment.
Please keep me posted. Very much, I want to communicate with you through this challenge.
posted by:
conservativeguy (
reply)
post date:
08.06.08 (11:51 am)
I just wanted to thank you for your reply and i will keep in touch through every stage of this, but as you know it is such a roller coaster ride.I guess i just wanted to hear from another Christian that life will be alright again and her life is not completely ruined.I have had such ungodly thoughts at times of which i am ashamed like contemplating abortion or praying for a miscarriage , two things i abhor with all that is in me yet this reduces you to a place you have never been before.We have plans for Rachel(our daughter)to go to a tech.school in the fall just to get her trained in something right away to give her a chance at a little higher paying job.I will let you know how she makes out but please keep us in prayer because some days i feel like "i could do this " and other days i get so angry at me ,her and even God of which i am so ashamed.I will let you go and i will let you know what is going on in this ride we call life.Thank You and God Bless
posted by:
Elizabeth (
reply)
post date:
07.21.09 (4:52 am)
It's been awhile since i have been on here. I hope you remember my story of my pastor' daughter having 3 babies out of wedlock with 3 different men. Marrying the last one. Since then, another daughter had a baby not knowing the father.....long story. I am struggling. I need to get over this...There are many other things that I am not happy with at the church but one thing I can say is my pastor is a good preacher behind the pulpit. Any advice ?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.21.09 (5:40 am)
Reply to: Elizabeth
Why don't you find another church to attend? I suggest that you not make a scene about the matter, but simply tell those inquire that you feel it is time for a fresh relationship with a new body of believers. This will give you opportunity to clear your mind of the situation and perhaps look at it from a new perspective. Maybe, 6 months or a year down the line, you will feel it is time to return to this church and support this pastor. Or, maybe, God will give you peace that for your own spiritual health and for the benefit of your new church, it was indeed time for you to move on. And you might also sit down with this pastor, soon, and tell him with kindness that all of these things have been heavy upon your heart, you love him and will always pray for him and his family, but you need to now go to another church. And, yes, likely he will be hurt but I also believe he will understand and will be just fine.
