How To Change The Other Person
*Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”
- Thomas à Kempis (c. 1380–1471)
I have spent much time and effort for many years trying to change others. And I am about to come to what I think is an important conclusion about human nature. I cannot change another person. Perhaps I can affect a change of behavior by force, but it will only be momentary and of a surface nature. If I am the basis of the change, then as soon as I am gone from the scene, actions will revert. I have wished that my church would simply follow my guidance in all matters; I am sure they would be a better church. They listen politely and treat me kindly, and then pretty much go about business as usual.
I have wished that my children would do everything I tell them. It would save them much heartache and myself a lot of fretting. they truly love me and they show me respect. but they are, all the time, making decisions and engaging in bahaviors very different from my choosing.
No, I cannot change people. Whatever mould I design for them, and bid them to enter, inevitably they emerge a differing product.
But, here’s the wonderful factor. Although so many of those around me have refused my loving manipulations, most are steadily becoming quite beautiful people. My children- they are not what I envisioned as I planned their lives. All are in the process of becoming someone much better. Ditto for my church, wife, and friends.
Maybe, most probably, I need to learn to trust the process more. God is at work in the life of this person I love. So I need to allow Him to do His work, in His time and in His way. Why should I rush matters? And why should I interfere so much?
Most important, I need to trust the person I love. More. This is a person of character, made in the image of God. Just give them some space, and let them learn and grow. And, most importantly, that person needs for me to believe in him or her. I do.
“For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”
- Philippians 2:13
01.19.06 (12:07 am) [
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posted by:
21CC (
reply)
post date:
01.18.06 (7:35 pm)
very insightful Pastor Dave :)... trust is key!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.18.06 (7:42 pm)
Trust is so very hard for me, especially when I see the possibility of danger ahead for the one I love. Hard, but necessary. I guess God trusts me with free will, even though there is certainly danger with it.
posted by:
Jweiss82 (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (3:57 am)
I think that you have some very insightful thoughts there. I too find myself trying to interfere to much in the lives of the ones I love. People are much more responsive to critism when they are left with no other options. I am where I am because of the mistakes that I have made in my life, I think we should let the ones make some of them too, even if it may cause some temporary heartache and unrest.
posted by:
aristorano (
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post date:
01.19.06 (6:26 am)
Thanks for your contribution to "Jesus Christ - (D)
aristorano
posted by:
justinb (
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post date:
01.19.06 (11:14 am)
Thanks dave, some really good advice in there.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (11:46 am)
Reply to: 21CC
Trust is the key! Why has it taken me so long to learn this? Sometimes you trust someone and they burn you. But, most often, if you have earned that person's respect then they will honor your trust. I believe this, and will seek to put it in practice.
Thanks, Justin.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (11:47 am)
Reply to: Jweiss82
Allowing a person you love to make a mistake, now that is necessary I know. And that is tough.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (11:48 am)
Reply to: aristorano
Contribution to Jesus Christ? What I have to offer is so very small, and insignificant, and it is amazing that He will accept and use it.
Thanks.
posted by:
white (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (1:01 pm)
Thanks for visiting my blog! Come back again. I think we should chat sometime...I have traveled a long way to get where I am today. I would love to share.
posted by:
sweetsue (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (1:04 pm)
It is really awesome to hear a pastor talk and tell of his fears,his impatience..not to many do that...and I have learned we chance others,but if we do the changing then others around us see those changes..then most times they themselves change...and patience is so important in all worth accomplishments...good post as alway Pastor.
posted by:
0AcidRainbow0 (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (1:37 pm)
that has some stuff in there that i really dont believe in but i liked it.
w00.
posted by:
Sillygrrl3 (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (1:44 pm)
Just dropping by to read your words of wisdom! as always, thank you for sharing!
kara
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (5:21 pm)
Reply to: white
White, I sincerely hope we will soon get together for that interesting chat. I'll admit the title of your blog interested me. "White". I was thinking you could be a racial supremist, and I was ready to engage you in debate. But, no! You're just a guy like me who enjoys blogging.
This journey of life, is it taking you in a good direction?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (5:23 pm)
Reply to: sweetsue
So, the best way to change another is to change myself? Makes sense.
Sue, your comments are always thoughtful. Thanks.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (5:25 pm)
Reply to: 0AcidRainbow0
Hey, that's fine! Even my wife thinks half of what I have to say is full of hot air. Thanks for stopping by.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (5:26 pm)
Reply to: Sillygrrl3
"words of wisdom" - I'm not sure they are all wise, but I'll certainly accept the compliment. We learn, we grow, and a big part of that process is the bouncing of from one another our ideas and thoughts. So, thanks for reading.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.19.06 (5:30 pm)
Reply to: thunderthighs
Thanks, my friend. I'll tell you, I now see a depth to you that somehow I looked right past in previous interaction. Thank you for the thoughtful reply. And, it is meaningful for you to encourage that I keep on sharing with others what I truly think is most good for them, as long as I do so with the proper heart. That's a great encouragement.
Now, if we can just do something with that name! "ThunderThighs"
posted by:
katesykate (
reply)
post date:
01.23.06 (6:34 am)
Wow! that was well written. You made a lot of good point there. You are definitely right about not being able to change a person. I tried for many years now to change my husband :-) Its not possible BUT having said that, he does try to make an effort to be better at the things he knows annoys me. You have a lot of good things to say and I could tell that it comes from the heart. Thats a great way to write. You have certainly caught my attention. I'm a new blogger here. And at first, I wasnt sure I was in the right place but you guys have been awesome. And your words of wisdom makes me want to keep coming back. Thank you Pastor Dave :-) Oh by the way, I stumbled into your profile when I clicked on your name and it made me laugh when I read it. Makes me want to get a pet :-)
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.24.06 (9:59 am)
Very nice of you. Most probably your husband is willing to make a stab at changing because he knows how much my love him. How do you fight with love? Welcome aboard t-blog. Stay around, it's really a good group of folk. Just don't be too sensitive when someone challenges your treasured points of view!
