Would You Lie To Protect Your Child?
Boy, but I have been hit with a tremendous short story to read with A Father’s Story by Andre Dubus. This fits my every definition of a quality writing. It is readable; the words flow well. It draws me into it’s heart with an interesting storyline. And it hits me with a question to ponder over and over. If you are interested in this story, you can find it on the net- although I think it is copyrighted. Thanks, tabootenente, for an absolutely wonderful read!
Would you lie to protect a child?
Before you answer so quickly and righteously, let’s qualify this question. Let us say this is your child; your daughter. She has proven to be a quality person. And her future looks bright. And one more thing- she loves you, deeply and purely, perhaps as no other. Now she has done something awful. It is a one-time matter. And it cannot be undone. She has confided in you, and only the two of you know. Except God, of course. You have a choice to make quickly. You can take immediate action to thoroughly hide the matter so it will ever remain a secret. Or you can confess, bringing negative and lifetime ramifications upon her life.
Would you take direct action, to perpetrate a lie, to protect your child?
Ask the father of Joran van der Sloot, teenager implicated in the death of Natalee Holloway. He is a Judge, powerful, sworn to uphold what is right, but also a dad.
Ask the mother of Ted Kennedy. She was a person of impeccable character and deep religious leanings, and she surely went to her grave knowing the truth about Chappaquiddick.
And, if there would ever develop the scenario where you would indeed lie to preserve your child, would God understand?
Some would say there is an element of necessary weakness within pure love for another. And if God is a Father who creates us with his love, then maybe he would understand. Just a thought.
To lie, or not to lie? Now I need your comments.
03.17.06 (1:03 pm) [
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posted by:
TaBooTenente (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (9:19 am)
im glad you liked the story, dave. there is something transcendent about the choice the father makes--and the way he lives with the choice afterward.
if one were biblically inclined, one might think of abraham's intention to sacrifice isaac.
still, this father makes a distinction between the way he would have reacted to the same situation if his child had been a son, rather than a daughter.
i don't have the book in front of me, but i remember a line at the end--something like "if you'd had a daughter, You could not have borne her passion."
this from a man who has devoted himself to abstinence.
how does such a human being make such an incredible choice--and how does he live with his decision afterward?
i'm not going to give the spoiler here, but i think andre dubus' solution is more brutally honest, more searching, and more confrontational than nearly any other such story about a man confronting his relationship and faith with god.
i'd love to talk about this one with you dave, but i don't want to color anyone's reading--if they decide to give it a go.
taboo
posted by:
Bhere4me (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (9:27 am)
honestly, even before you mentioned being rightous and blah blah (not blah, but, you know, all that) i would. as horrible as that may be. but also, it depends on what the child did. if they were a danger to the the people around them, i would get them help. but, i would do most anything to protect the child.
posted by:
ScarlettGKPi (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (2:41 pm)
That is a difficult situation and while I may say now I would protect or not protect my child, I cannot fully know until I am confronted with just such a situation. I shall have to find and read this story.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (5:04 pm)
Reply to: TaBooTenente
Interesting that he felt quite comfortable with the moral dilemma: He knew his choice involved sin- especially toward the parents who would never have peace concerning their dead son. He had little inclination to confess, knowing with his mindselt it would be hypocritical. Yet, he continued to sense acceptance from God and continued to participate in Mass. This was a sin he was quite willing to answer for. As he readily admitted, his love for his daughter was greater than his love even for God.
You mention Abraham and Isaac. Isaac made the other choice. He was willing to sacrifice his son, if God demanded.
And God, Himself, made the other choice. He sacrificed His "only begotten son" for the sake of humanity.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (5:07 pm)
Reply to: TaBooTenente
I misquoted. Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son. My wife was talking in my ear, ongoing and relentlessly, even as I was trying to formulate and type my thoughts. The fact that it was somewhat coherent I credit to divine inspiration.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (5:15 pm)
Reply to: Bhere4me
It is interesting to observe the mothers/fathers of the church. Many are outstanding church leaders and have, I am sure, an ongoing and rewarding relationship with God. Sometimes I give out little prizes to the kids when I am doing a children's sermon or leading a special children's event. I use such to keep their attention. The parents will sometimes stand beside their chidren as the event progresses. I'll ask a question and encourage the children to raise their hands if they know the answer. More than once, I'll have a parent whisper the answer into her child's ear, and even call to me that their child has the answer. I don't think that is really fair. And if I were to confront the parent, I would have "hell to pay" of course. I remember a few years back we were having a "soapbox derby". The two finalists included "Max". Max lost, so the other kid was about to be rewarded the prize. Max's dad walked up and insisted that we swap the tracks and run one more race, because he just knew his kid lost because of a poor track. The other leaders looked at me and wondered what to do. This was highly irregular behavior by a strong and godly leader of our congregation. I shrugged my shoulders, and left the decision up to the leaders of the even. They ran the race again. Max lost again. Max did not care, but his dad was still a bit miffed.
My point is, when it comes to parents and their kids, all sure bets are off. Those parents most likeley are going to protect their children. Even when to do so means to behave with questionable integrity, and specific blindness to the imperfections of their little ones. Maybe it is understandable human nature. Maybe it is sin!
posted by:
tucky (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (5:16 pm)
so i don't have kids... but i think that i could lie for them. my mom has gotten me out of some trouble for lieing for me, granted i got in trouble when i got home, but i still learned my leason. (sometimes i think i should have not had her lie and take the punshment some where else)
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (5:19 pm)
Reply to: ScarlettGKPi
And you are right. We can pontificate about all kinds of fictional scenarios, but we do not know how we will actually behave until confronted. I do believe, if your house is built on a solid foundation, then you can withstand whatever may come your way. You probably will not handle the challenge with perfection, but you will do what is right. Usually.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (5:23 pm)
Reply to: tucky
Interesting. And honest. And when your mom salvages you by questionable behavior, she probably heaps upon you a more severe punishment to help assuage her guilt. I'm trying to think of a time when my mom, who was not a church goer, lied for me. I don't think she ever intentionall did so. But I think she so fooled herself about what a good kid I was that she absolutely, sometimes, refused to accept the obvious truth about some of my escapades. And I guess that is a lie to oneself. I have the problem of being too realistic about my children. I believe they are capable of most anything, good or bad, and especially one of them who will go unnamed. I pray hard for her.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (6:54 pm)
Off the top of my head, I think I'd have an easier time with a lie of omission than outright telling of a whopper to protect my child though I suppose it would depend, as behere4me pointed out, whether there would be future danger to others (that I could foresee) resulting from either holding back the truth or outright lying, and whether I thought the protection I'd be affording would be good for my kid in the long run. You mentioned that the deed was a one time thing. That factor would also help color my decision.
There's a maxim that goes something like this: No misdeed is ever judged as harshly as the methods employed to cover it up. Can't remember how it really goes, but that's pretty close in meaning, I think.
Watergate
Chappaquiddick
Iran Contra
The Keating Five
Monica of the Blue Dress
Valerie Plame
I have a feeling that sometimes we do our kids a disservice when we don't make them face whatever music is played - if they're the ones who did something to cause the band to be booked - but, damn, the protective instinct is strong as can be.
posted by:
idiotbubble (
reply)
post date:
03.17.06 (6:55 pm)
Not to lie. As a child I know how it feels like being lied to. Somehow, a child will know and sometimes it hurts. As a family, I always believe that each and everyone should be honest and no doubt many problems can be solved together. Maybe parents should let their children know things when it's time, as in when the time is right. But spying on them and so on, argh. That's not right, to me. No matter how much love there is, spying is just not right. It shows how little trust a parent has for the child. Imagine how the child would feel?
If my own parents don't trust and believe in me... (pastordave, can you plz finish up this sentence?)
posted by:
Mimi (
reply)
post date:
03.18.06 (2:39 am)
I remember a movie, "the glass house" with alan alda and some young boy was sent to prison, only to end up dead, i believe by his own choice...
I have a son, the youngest, who started doing things, bad things, when he was young. I tried to talk with him, to guide him, to praise the good and tried to be supportive. Then, he was caught doing something really bad...I called the police and they took him out of the house in handcuffs. He was 14! I don't know if it was right or wrong but I knew that I feared for the safety of myself and my family. So the choice I made was not to hide his misdeeds and ask him to face the music...I don't know that it hurt or helped because he is still struggling through life and has, for the most part, worn out his welcome with everyone and everyone...now he is almost 36, acts like he is 17 and is floundering through life. Sad. Breaks a mom's heart. You cannot help someone that will not help himself.
posted by:
tabootenente (
reply)
post date:
03.18.06 (3:32 am)
i'm not a father--but i wonder--you fathers out there: would you have a harder time watching your son face the music, than watching your daughter face the music?
taboo
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
03.18.06 (4:03 am)
Reply to: tabootenente
I don't THINK I'd differenciate between my kids based on their sex... (They've both had their moments.)
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.18.06 (7:24 am)
Reply to: surrogate
Truly it was a one-time crime, but it was a terrible crime. Someone died. I'm wondering how far the parental instinct for protection will go? It is definitely a factor, no matter the religion/social standing, etc.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.18.06 (7:26 am)
Reply to: Mimi
You make a fine point. Parents who eliberately and constantly shield their children from the consequences of their bad behaviors reach a point where their protection becomes counterproductive. Somewhere, sometime, one just has to let go. Not stop loving, not stop being there for the children, not stop assisting on occasion, but let go of propping up an intentional failure.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.18.06 (7:28 am)
The story begs for the question to be asked. To me, that is not a factor. But, if the son is distant and unattached, yet the daughter is close and loving- that would be a factor.
posted by:
ruined (
reply)
post date:
03.18.06 (12:01 pm)
Wow... what a tricky question. My wife and I practically drill it into our children's heads that honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. However, this poses a very interesting question, indeed. That is one that cannot really be answered, unless the situation presents itself. Very interesting read!
posted by:
preceptlady (
reply)
post date:
03.18.06 (4:33 pm)
Lev 19:11 `You shall not steal, nor deal falsely, nor lie to one another."
John 8:44 "You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
Col 3:9 Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practice.
In regards to the above mentioned scripture...I'm thinking lying is a direct disobedience to God.
posted by:
tabootenente (
reply)
post date:
03.19.06 (3:52 pm)
"'then you love her more than you love Me.'
'i love her more than i love truth.'
'then you love in weakness.'
'as You love me,' i say, and go out to the barn with an apple, or a carrot."
--dubus, "a father's story"
it's a good story, guys. all right, it's the best story. now will you read it?
taboo
posted by:
cjg (
reply)
post date:
10.03.07 (4:39 pm)
I think that lieing will eventually catch up with a person when they lie to there child... i am going through that now with my use to be 55 year old sister and she is letting her 9 year old daughter think that she is 45 instead of 55 and my neice as me is my mom younger than you. I said yes I am 59 and she is 4 years younger and then my neice that always thought her mom was 45 asked her if she was 55 and my her mother turned to her in front of me and said no I am not 55 I am 45. Bad enough she is lieing to her child but then she made me out to be a liar too.
