Telling Lies
For every absolute, there can develop an impossible situation, where to resolutely follow that absolute is to do more harm than good.
Take the commandment, “Thou shalt not lie.”
Let us suppose you are a devout Christian, who believes this to be a commandment from God. You consider this admonition to be right and correct. Will there be times in your life when you will choose to not follow the absolute nature of this law?
“Isn't she an adorable baby?”, queries the beaming grandmother as she holds the child in your face. She looks at you and awaits an answer. Perhaps you think newborns to be prunish in features, smelly, and gross with the way they are always spitting up. You are just not enamored by babies! Now what are you going to say to this woman? “Keep that kid away from me. She's ugly, and she makes me nauseous.” Of course not. You are going to smile, and with your best fake enthusiasm, say, “She's adorable!” Or you might try to walk an ethical fine line with something like, “Wow. That's quite a baby”, which really is not honest with anybody.
Sir, your wife/girlfriend comes back from the hair salon with this booby-trapped query, “How do you like my new hairstyle?” From experience, let me tell you- I do not care what you honestly think, the words that come out of your mouth had better be something like, “Honey, you look gorgeous. I cannot believe how good that makes you look.”
Of course, there are very serious moments when literal obdience to this commandment comes into challenge:
*An elderly member of our church was in the ICU unit with a heart condition. Even as he was confined, his son died unexpectedly. This man, hooked up to a heart monitor, was asking, “How's my son?” Anything other than the brutal facts could easily be interpreted as a breach of the Commandment.
*A mother has a son who abandoned the faith, adopted a promiscuous homosexual lifestyle. Eventually he died, unrepentantly, of AIDS. She is comforted by believing her son is now in Heaven. Now, no matter how much your understanding of the faith may cause you to see differently, you would be quite cruel indeed to tell this fragile little lady that her son was now in Hell. Even if absolutely a Fundamentalist, I believe you would most likely avoid the issue with her, or refuse to answer her questions about what you think. And, technically, that would be a lie.
Whether we admit it or not, most all of us practice Situation Ethics. I challenge you to do a quick Google of this fascinating branch of study, and read some of the works of Joseph Fletcher.
The Ten Commandments are important rules for faith and conduct. We follow them for our own good, and ignore them at great peril. But I think God wants us to follow them in a sensible way. Or, more properly, to follow them with a loving heart.
Actually, I consider this approach to Christian Ethics to be biblical:
Matthew 22:36-40 (NIV)
36 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
37 Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
38 This is the first and greatest commandment.
39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
The question to ask: How can love (true love, the Godly, sacrificial, selfsless, totally giving kind of love) best be served in this situation?
If you have read this far, then surely you have some thoughts!
03.20.06 (4:53 pm) [
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posted by:
scubadiva (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (1:01 pm)
As we debated in Tblurt, I don't think that responding to "Isn't my daughter adorable?" with "Oh my how she's grown!" is a lie. I think it's a matter of intent and considering the source. The person is asking to get a positive response from me. So as the saying goes, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Sometimes finding something nice to say in an inconsequential superficial conversation can be a stretch.
However, something much grander, like "Did you cheat on me?", definitely deserves an honest reply because there are serious consequences on a multitude of different levels.
There was a story on the local news recently where a young woman was killed. Her mother was quite ill and in the hospital - they haven't told her the news. They've lied to her because they felt the news would lead to her demise - to literally kill her.
In that case, do you think God would consider that "do not lie" the lesser of two evils - than "do not kill"?
posted by:
scubadiva (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (1:04 pm)
I take exception to this one:
"*A mother has a son who abandoned the faith, adopted a promiscuous homosexual lifestyle. Eventually he died, unrepentantly, of AIDS. She is comforted by believing her son is now in Heaven. Now, no matter how much your understanding of the faith may cause you to see differently, you would be quite cruel indeed to tell this fragile little lady that her son was now in Hell. Even if absolutely a Fundamentalist, I believe you would most likely avoid the issue with her, or refuse to answer her questions about what you think. And, technically, that would be a lie."
First of all, what does it matter if her son was leading a homosexual or a heterosexually promiscuous lifestyle? Promiscuity is promiscuity.
And who are you, me, or his mother to judge if he's in hell? Isn't that something that is determined by "Someone" other than ourselves by what is in that individual's heart? Perhaps in his own way, in a private moment, he made his own peace before his death?
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (1:15 pm)
Reply to: scubadiva
I take exception too, but the point Dave makes is still valid, I think.
Guess I should have read this before teasing you on tblurt about spouses and their hair changes. I made the mistake of being honest once about this when my ex came home and had severely cut her beautiful long hair. I said it looked nice but that I'd miss her long hair. (It was incredible.) Fifteen years later we were going through counseling on our way toward divorce. At the time I was still really hoping our marriage might be saved. This episode came up. It had stayed with her all those years. Talk about regret.
posted by:
scubadiva (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (1:22 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
Surr, I think the issue with your ex was not that you were honest with her - I think that it was that it bothered her and she let it stew - for 15 years.
Nothing wrong with expressing your opinion, without backtracking... I would have told her that I had always loved her long hair, so it would take some time to get adjusted to it.
Never ask a question that you don't want an honest answer to....
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (1:29 pm)
Reply to: scubadiva
I'm sure you're right. It's funny to me how her bringing it up in that session has stayed with ME so vividly the last six years... Life is funny.
posted by:
scubadiva (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (1:58 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
I'm always right... ;)
posted by:
PastorDave (
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post date:
03.20.06 (2:58 pm)
Reply to: scubadiva
So, to tell a lie in order to preserve a life is a proper thing to do? I believe such is true. Those Christians who hid Jewish families from the Nazis told many lives, but did so for the higher cause of true love.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (3:05 pm)
Reply to: scubadiva
I totally agree with you. In retrospect, I wish I had used a different illustration. But since it is here, I'll deal with it. This is actually a true slice of life. I know this lady. I respect her faith, and have no reason to disagree with her. She is blessed to be part of a good and loving and Christ-like church, who would never make the judgmental accusation that her son in now in Hell. But I've known other churches, and plenty of Christians, who would believe this man is now burning in Hell. Some of them probably are bloggers on this site. My appeal is to them. They may have a very black-and-white approach to the scriptures and eternal destiny. Still, even the most rgid fundamentalist would generally cut this woman some slack, out of sympathy. They'd try to mask their true opinions in such a situation. So, even a fundamentalist, some who think they are a spiritual cut above most other Christians, would resort to a lie in such a situation. After all, the alternative is to be a very mean person. And, I've met some of those kind, also.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (3:09 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
What a powerful example of how little things, little words, can really hurt.
And, I'm afraid, a sad commentary on how little a person can be to hold onto such a trivial matter. I Cor. 13 tells us, "Love will hardly even notice when others do it wrong..." To me, that says if you truly love another, you will not be thin-skinned with what they say and do. I hope, by now, you have found others, perhaps many others, who will love you more honestly. We all need that.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (3:12 pm)
Reply to: scubadiva
Some very good words you share. It must be the effect of this Atlanta air...
posted by:
graceshaker (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (7:43 pm)
what about rahab? we see in joshua 2 that she hid the israelite spies then lied about it to the kings men who came looking for them. but in james 2 we find her justified for this very act. she was righteous for lying.
posted by:
bacardibreezer (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (8:19 pm)
Hmm..I am a blunt and honest person, but I dont intentionally try to hurt feelings. I don't really believe in sugar coating stuff...cause lies just lead to more hurt and trouble in the end.
posted by:
supremeanna (
reply)
post date:
03.20.06 (9:36 pm)
If at all possible, I try to skirt around the truth if it's ugly...wonder if that's lying?
posted by:
scubadiva (
reply)
post date:
03.21.06 (3:52 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
I think a lot of it has to do with the genuine intentions of the person.
Just like someone being honest - but deliberately meanspirited, is just as bad - in theory, they ARE being honest...
Bad haircut example: you get a haircut that looks like a blind 3 year old with dull scissors did it. You ask someone what they think. They could say "I think I liked it a little longer" or "You look like you got your hair cut by a blind 3 year old with dull scissors."
posted by:
Fairmoon (
reply)
post date:
03.21.06 (6:08 am)
I guess i just can't believe that there isn't a little gray area with this one. A little white lie, about "there are no more cookies" when my sons had two and wnats to more, makes me feel bad, but he doesn't understand yet that he just can't eat cookies all day.
I feel bad for lying, but i would feel worse if i let him eat cookies and he grew up with major health issues because his diet is so bad. I little lie like that, isn't necessarly right, but then isn't exactly wrong.
saying that of, course opens up the statement- if you put a gray area in this commandment, then you have allow a gray area for all of them. true, and i don't have an argument for that.
if Jesus said that the most important on is to love your God with all out heart, and if you TRUELY do that, then that love will tell you what's right and wrong better than following all the other rules. Knowing God, loving God, is going to help you to make decisions and choices with a compassionate heart and a broader awareness that will allow for those harmless white lies to happen- becasue you have the best interest of the person at heart as well.
did that make any sense?
FM
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.21.06 (11:09 am)
Reply to: graceshaker
Because her lie served the higher cause of God and good. It's a difficult choice, to be made with fear and trepidation, but the choice must be available.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.21.06 (11:11 am)
Reply to: bacardibreezer
I would qualify the reason for the lie. 99% of the quandaries of life call for outright stated and verbal truth. Only when absolute love can better be served, do we even consider otherwise.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.21.06 (11:13 am)
Who would be the ultimate determiner of when you cross the line between "skirting around" and actually telling a lie? Of course, you and your God.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
03.21.06 (11:58 am)
Reply to: Fairmoon
"Love your neighbor as yourself" - selflessly, sacrificially, liberally, unending. If you treat another with that type of love, then you surely are doing what is right.
posted by:
Fairmoon (
reply)
post date:
03.22.06 (5:36 am)
agreed.
posted by:
ruined (
reply)
post date:
03.22.06 (3:27 pm)
I've been practicing brutal honesty over the past week. I blame it more on recovering from the flu, then attempting to follow the Commandments to the letter. This brutal honesty I've been practicing has earned me nothing but misery. And I can almost say without giving it thought that it's because of the spirit of my honesty... which is far from a loving heart. I'm a crank when I'm ill... :)
