Any Jobs Available...Far, Far From Here?
There’s a matter of personal ministry challenge that I could use your help with:
A young lady, connected with my church, is pregnant. This really breaks my heart and I feel responsible.
She and her family became influenced by my ministry about six months ago. I have befriended this family, many times have counselled with them, and they have trusted me as a spiritual guide. They have watched and listened as I have struggled with the pregnancy of my youngest daughter. I have been rather transparent through the dilemma. I have tried to embrace my daughter and refrain from being hard and judgmental. And I have totally fallen in love with the little one. I brag about Skylar, delight in her with everybody, and she is passed around throughout the congregation when we gather for worship.
I am afraid that I have let down this family. They have heard very little from me as far as negative talk about teen pregnancy. And I have enjoyed my granddaughter so much. This young lady has even babysat Skylar, and I noted how she so thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope that my action, or inaction, did not influence her pregnancy. I know a family trusts their church, and their minister, to guide them in the right way. I even wonder if a more Fundamentalist preacher, regularly condemning unwed motherhood, might have more effectively influenced this situation?
Now the young lady and her boyfriend want to meet with me. I know my approach to similar situations: listen, smile, encourage, just love. Sometimes I wonder if it works.
Sometimes, I think I’d like to be manager of a Motel 6.
05.22.06 (7:32 pm) [
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posted by:
userfriendly (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (3:02 pm)
The forge shop I work in is short on hammer operators. If you can stand for 9 hours a day and very regularly lift mildly to extremely heavy objects, and can tolerate extreme heat... give it a shot! You don't want to manage a hotel though, that would be aweful.
Either way, don't feel responsible. Unprotected sex wasn't your decision, it was theirs.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (3:02 pm)
i can understand how you want to run off and do something that wouldn't impact other peoples lives and faith, but you were chosen...so, with that being said, you live and love the way that you do because you are special...your influence is on how those folks hearts beat, not whether they have sex or not. You have chosen a path of loving your family unconditionally, and that is what you will teach that family. in this day, with no absolutes, people live for the moment, sometimes chosing love over morals or rules...but i never have understood why the rules say that we should not be sexual because our hormones say differently, and of course, young ones don't think of the consequences...but, love will conquer this...as to whether you counsel them to keep the child, to marry, to adopt the baby away...i don't know...i know most marriages, even with so called adults fail...babies are the ones who suffer in divorces and there are many wonderful people that would give anything to have a child...that's your decision...but, bottom line, you cannot blame yourself for their hormones...and stupidity...but you can now help them find their way out of the dark to do what is best for both the couple and the child...and I know that you will. with love : )
posted by:
JT (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (3:18 pm)
Dear Dave,
I can imagine how conflicted you must feel right now. You have chosen to find the joy in a family situation that wasn't ideal, and you are worried that your choosing the positive path has influenced someone else. I don't know how to be a clergyman; I doubt I have the strength or patience to do it. But I'd have to think that just your own questioning of how you model life for your parishioners is a testament of how good you are at your calling.
You can't assume that "do as I say and not as I do" covers everything, but neither can you be responsible for every choice made by others. All you can do is keep your faith and be as honest as you can with the people you counsel.
Best wishes,
JT
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (3:21 pm)
Reply to: userfriendly
I'd really prefer something a little more physically challenging, but thanks anyhow.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (3:28 pm)
Reply to: mimi
At this point in my ministry, I try to deal with people who have troubles with two consistent principles: (1) Respect for this person (2) Unconditional love. The challenge is that, often, immediate results are not there. For instance, with this young lady, she wanted to be baptized and join the church, but I counselled her to wait because I knew her heart was not in it. But if I had baptized her, then I could have counted another church member. And this young man- he talks incessantly through the worship service. I should have scolded him, but I said nothing- rationalizing that he knows nothing about church etiquette and he will learn. Slow and easy- how did I become this kind of person?
Thanks, Mimi. You are always a bright light for those of us in darkness. Keep it up!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (3:31 pm)
Reply to: JT
You're right. Honesty is the big thing in human relationships. Oh well, it is Monday- big day for the blues, for me. Tomorrow will be a better day.
posted by:
babe4jesus55 (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (7:19 pm)
Sometimes I wish I were called to be a hobo.
posted by:
Kiwi in Zurich (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (9:31 pm)
Mimi is right. Like it or not hormones play a big role, and despite what I assume was religious education advising no sex before marriage, clearly it didn't get through. Was further information about contraception also given to the teenagers?
posted by:
Dorcas (
reply)
post date:
05.22.06 (10:22 pm)
We can teach and say what we believe and feel, but the bottom line is choice. It always comes back to choice. You are not to blame, and were very wise in your judgement of the lady and her inattentive boyfriend. But really when it comes down to it,what is new, it has happened before thoughout my experience in a church that I belonged to once long ago. A situation happened and the church split over it, and in one of the families, which by the way made the loudest noice over the situation. Lo and behold, that family received embarrassment as the parents found their eldest daughter pregnant. Actually happened in 2 families. So I have learned through that situation and still learning not to judge anyone . A battle at times, mind you.
posted by:
idiotbubble (
reply)
post date:
05.23.06 (12:26 am)
Skylar, such a sweet name! Well, continue doing what you do - listen, smile, encourage, just love! I like it. I think it does work. Hopefully things will work out and this young lady and her boyfriend will feel better with her pregnancy. An open mind always does magic.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
05.23.06 (1:15 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
remember that many people USE the church...they think if we go, all of our troubles will go away...the young man may have been there to "impress" her family, etc... the choices they made were ABSOLUTELY no reflection of you...you just shine on the way you always have and the only responsibility you have is to be an example to them..since you have a similar situation, let them see how you deal with it and that is all...you are not here to judge and they cannot or should not judge you..nor should your ministry...you dealt with your daughter as a daddy, not just a minister. Remember that, ok... it is their task to find the "right path" and all you can do is be you.
xoxox
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.23.06 (2:13 am)
Reply to: LadyG
My kids, three teenagers, tell me all the time that sexual activity is so common with their peers. My College-age daughter is perplexed why otherwise intelligent friends will not use protection. And I wonder why it seems that these kids can't use a little common sense. It would save a lot of heartache later.
And, I support the distribution of birth control to teenagers at school health clinics. To me, it is not promoting promiscuity, but preventing pregnancy and disease. I know it is not popular with the conservative church crowd, but they need to get their heads out of the sand.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.23.06 (2:15 am)
Reply to: babe4jesus55
Hobo works! Just ravel around, stay only as long as you wuld like, not get too connected to people and their needs. I like the longing of the prophet Jeremiah, who wanted to manage an Inn in the desert.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.23.06 (2:18 am)
Reply to: Kiwi in Zurich
I do not discount the impact of a religious education. This particular young lady had a very difficult home life, and no religious education. She moved in with extended family when she was 18. Now, my girl was raised religiously, and in church, but she attended public schools. I'm still trying to figure her out, even after years of counselling for her and family, and lots of prayer.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.23.06 (2:21 am)
Reply to: Dorcas
Thanks. Isn't that amazing how we tend to rush so quickly into judgment of others, only for life to throw it back into our faces? And for a church to split over something like this is sad. When someone is hurting, even at fault, I think the church should embrace and love- not condemn and certainly not walk away. Yet another reason to want to manage a Motel 6.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.23.06 (2:24 am)
Reply to: idiotbubble
Her name is Skylar Hope. I really embrace the middle name, for she is a bright source of sunshine for our family.
The couple and I will be meeting this week. Much later in the week.
posted by:
JT (
reply)
post date:
05.23.06 (3:56 am)
P.S. My secret dreams are to chuck it all and (a) open up a shop that sells Italian Ice in the summer and hot soups in the winter; and (b) to be the lead singer of a band.
