Let The Parent Without Sin Cast The First Stone
I will not speculate about the quality of Amy Martin's home life, since I know very little. But I want to write a few words about the unpredictability of teenagers, and I know quite a bit about that. I understand that Amy was nicknamed “Strawberry” for her sweet disposition as a child. And I know that she was killed in self defense, as she and a gang attacked a pedestrian who happened to be an ex-marine. Her mom cried hysterically at the funeral. Now, more than a few believe she was the product of poor parenting.
Allow me to tell you some of the struggles of raising K, my daughter who is now 18. As a child she was always daddy's little buddy. Often she would tag along with me, and she consistently displayed such a wholesome attitude. Unlike most other children, she would read her Bible and pray. She made good grades in school. And she had a special quality of seeking out lonely schoolmates and befriending them. K was such a delight to me.
From the ages of 12 through 17, K became increasingly difficult to parent. There's no need to go through the whole saga, but let me list some of the challenges:
*Ran away from home numerous times
*Middle-of-the-night rendevous with boyfriends
*Drugs and alcohol
*Expulsion from school for gang activity and fighting
*Expulsion from alternative school for lack of respect
*Arrest and confinement
*Pregnancy
I do not know why K was this way. We have two other children who have not displayed such behaviour. We have joined with her in professional family counselling for years. We have prayed diligently. And we have never given up. She has always had a home and a hug to come back to. Right now things are looking better than ever, but it's not perfect. And there are many scars for my family, and especially my wife.
So, I am not so quick to blame the parents of this Amy Martin, nor the school system, or society. Something happened to fill her with darkness. Maybe mental illness played a part. And I believe the Evil One was bent upon her destruction. Probably she was failed in a lot of ways. And mostly, she chose to make some stupid decisions, hang out with some stupid people, and do some stupid things.
I would like to think if she had managed to get through this crazy phase in her life, then she would have been O.K.
I believe we all have the responsibility of helping such wayward kids. I'm talking about tough love, but love nonetheless. Community, church, authorities, parents, school.
My K is going to make it, I think. But, it has not been easy.
When I look at the sad story of Amy Martin, I think: Except for the gift of grace, there goes my K. And I have no stone to throw.
06.13.06 (11:50 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
almsthvn (
reply)
post date:
06.13.06 (7:33 pm)
amen, Pastor.
Growing up, I was the "good" preacher's kid and my brother was the hell raiser. He ran with rowdy crowds and got into all sorts of things I'm sure the parents and I still don't know about.
He's completely turned his life around and is now a minister. So you just never know :)
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.14.06 (7:11 am)
Reply to: almsthvn
I think we should do all we can to give a teenager the chance to survive this crazy and mixed-up time in his/her life. With a little help, he will most likely turn out to be a productive part of family and society. Your brother sounds like a great example. Much of his craziness could have brought about permanent harm, but somehow he survived. Probably because of the help and love of folks like yourself.
Now, the stereotypical thinking is that "good" kids turn out to be trouble-making adults. Does this describe yourself?
posted by:
sosheis (
reply)
post date:
06.14.06 (7:50 am)
What a great post. I don’t really know what to say but give a story about my childhood. Growing up, I was the only child and very close to my parents. I was very much a mommy’s /daddy’s girl, when I turned 13 things changed. My parent’s divorced and I no longer wanted to be around them, talk to them and definitely not listen to them. I would do stupid things that not only hurt them, but hurt me in the end. I was constantly skipping school, was dropped from the honor role, gifted program, and ap classes, I got into drugs and alcohol.
My parents tried everything they could, pray for me, threaten me, punish me, talk to me…and there was no helping me. Finally one day I was almost rapped by a guy who I truly thought was a friend. We’re at my house drinking and next thing I know he’s hitting me, screaming at me to let him do what he came to do. My mom came home from work and caught him just in time.
It took a long time for me to get over the pain and shame that I caused my parents, especially my mom. Now we are at a place where things are perfect. My parents are once again my best friends and very, very important people in my life. I can’t explain why “we” get into these phases of hell raising and difficult behavior, it just hits us like a bus. There are a handful of children that can pass this “phase” without giving in, and God bless them, but for those of “us” that can’t it’s an up hill battle to get back on the right path. It almost feels like a challenge sent to us from beyond to test our self worth, faith and sense of judgment.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.14.06 (9:25 am)
Reply to: sosheis
You did some crazy things as a teen? Join the crowd! Your parents continued to stick with you, which I'm coming to believe is the most important thing we can do as parents. Love you, pray for you, and never give up. Divorce is hard on anyone, but expecially a teen who is going through such a metamorphysis of life anyhow. You were not wise to put yourself in such a dangerous situation with that animal of a human being, but thank God your parents came in at the right time. That's what parents are for, I think.
I appreciate the kind words about what I have written. For me, this life is an onging school. I'm learning- not making A's, but passing most of the classes. I think the Daddy Class is one of the hardest!
I'm going to cross-post this as a reply on my blog, in case some discussion may ensue!
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
06.14.06 (9:29 am)
I have trouble mustering up sympathy for Amy. I'm just thankful the man they attacked wasn't hurt. If not him, she and her friends might have hurt others in the future. She was old enough to know better whether or not she had good parenting.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
06.14.06 (11:01 am)
i'm with you...out of 5 children i helped raise, two are alcoholics, one got involved with a drug dealer and got hooked on cocaine and abuse. luckily, none have died and the cocaine is a thing of the past...but sometimes, children have minds of their own and go in directions we would never ever choose for them...xoxoxo
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.14.06 (11:29 am)
Reply to: bawdy
Old enough to know better, yes.
But, Amy Martin was more than just that animal who attacked this man in the middle of the night. She had some good qualities, and potential. Now she is gone. I don't blame any other person- she was a foolish little girl. But, oh such wasted potential.
If us T-bloggers could gather and tell tales, we'd all have some sobering stories to tell about things we did as teenagers. I do. I'm glad I dodn't die during one of those follies.
I think Amy Martin should have our sympathy.
posted by:
almsthvn (
reply)
post date:
06.14.06 (2:34 pm)
I don't THINK so - I am a bit feisty but I think in general I'm turning out ok :)
How about you, did you ever have a period of rebellion / troublemaking?
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
06.15.06 (3:21 am)
Dave, I certainly hope you haven't filled K with the notion that the Devil had targeted her. That crosses a line no parent has the right to cross, no matter their beliefs.
If it's was the Devil that made her act that way, better thank the Devil for that wonderful granddaughter you all love so very much.
Come on.
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
06.15.06 (9:15 am)
I just think of fifteen year old Jane Creba, a beautiful young girl in Toronto who was killed while shopping downtown after she was caught in the crossfire of a gang war. Recently eight people were arrested on charges ranging from manslaughter to second degree murder. Sure, they're still alive, but they'll be going to jail. Do they deserve sympathy too? I find it difficult to distinguish between them and Amy Martin.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.15.06 (11:12 am)
Reply to: surrogate
I do not think K. or really anyone else, will be able to truly say "The devil made me do it". We are personally responsible for our own actions. K has made choices, and what has transpired in her life is largely the result of those choices.
I do believe in the devile, although I tend to call him the Evil One. I believe in other evil spiritual personages, also. The Bible clearly teaches their existence, and since I believe the Bible to be the Word of God without error when properly interpreted, I believe it. But also I have seen the influence of such a Presence, or presences, on the lives of persons.
In my prayer life I adress this issue, as Jesus taught, by praying, "...lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the Evil One..." Sometimes in my utter confusion with what is going on in her life, I have wondered about the spiritual forces involved. But I do not push the issue with her. It would be unfair, and confusing.
posted by:
snarl (
reply)
post date:
06.17.06 (6:55 am)
Love the sinner, hate the sin.
So may of the problems we have as Christian showing Christ in our lives would be corrected by lifing these words.
Dave,
I am raising my kids right now in the "I want to be with Daddy" stage. I am so blessed by them. My oldest enjoys praying for her baby sister. She chose to on her own by watching my pray for her, her baby sister, and her mom.
I look at my life as a teenager. I was not rebelious in the sense of gangs, alcohol, sex and drugs. I just disconnected. My dad was a recovering alcholoic and mom was barely keeping it together. I wondered if one or the other of them would either leave or just go off physically on both of us. Neither of them were there emotionally. I just checked out emotionally. I turn from God and became agnostic. I proceded to physically abuse myself, tried to kill myself, and hurt my family to the point where they would just abandon me.
To say I am concened for my children in thier teenage years would be an understatement.
My heart goes out to anyone who has loss. Amy Martin chose to live as she did. You can not make another person chose how to live, they must do it for themselves. We are to love them no matter the choices they make, even when we do not agree with those choices. Was Amy decieved, definately.
As to the spiritual in the blog, I am shocked. Shocked at how believers can not see the truth of this world. We are spiritual creatures having a physical experience. Once you know this truth and look at life with the spirit as the reality, your prospective will change and you will see so much more clearly life. The physical represents the spiritual, not the other way round. I already here the entry saying, "Prove it!" See my blog if you need it. This comment is becoming it's own blog entry so I am just going to make one.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
06.17.06 (1:36 pm)
amy's story is tragic and horrid. but the thing about it is that amy had a pretty bad consequence for her actions. i don't think its bad parenting. some kids just make really REALLY bad choices and sometimes those choice lead to really REALLY bad consequences.
i have a daughter, one of four children. she is the second child, she is now 27. she was the smartest, prettiest, and easily got everything she ever wanted. best grades, good personality, she suffered nothing.
she is a junkie. addicted to king heroin. we took her two lovely wonderful beautiful babies away from her november last. took her to court to do it.
she lives with us still. but that could change soon. trying to help her STAY clean (which she probably won't - she has relapsed so many many times) is really just shielding her from the consequences of her bad decisions. still, we are her parents and do love her. however, we are at the point where she must suffer to either grow up or not grow up, as she and God work out her problems.
parenting is one of the most rewarding, and can be one of the most devestating things in life. our other three children are fine.
i will pray for you and your wife and K, as well as the rest of your family.
dawn
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.19.06 (12:49 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
Thanks. For you to truly pray for us is the best and most helpful thing yo could do.
I am saddened by your experience with you daughter. Indeed, for whatever reason, she has made a choice in lifestyle. I have discovered, like you, that letting go is an almost impossible but necessary part of the equation. Unfortunately, when we told K she could no longer live with us, she then went out and got pregnant. A foolish, foolish little girl.
I believe she will finally make it as a healthy person. The bumps, scars, and trainwrecks along the way continue to hurt. You r girl will make it, too. God willing.
posted by:
babe4jesus55 (
reply)
post date:
06.19.06 (3:19 pm)
There's a couple in our church who have been through you know what with their daughter and they are the best Christian people you can imagine. Since the daughter was about 16 she's been nothing but trouble; now she's probably in her late 20's, maybe even 30's. My heart goes out to these people. The only answer I can come up with is: Bad things sometimes happen to good people. This daughter is in jail right now and has been off and on for many years, for drugs, I think. These parents have a son that has never given any trouble. It just doesn't add up how one child from the same household can go so wrong. They are even raising two of her out of wedlock children and the other grandmother has the third one. But through it all, I've seen this couple tired, discouraged, but they've never given up. They still keep going to the alter, praying for her and asking others to do the same. Their continual love for their daughter is a blessing to see. And as our pastor said a few Sundays ago, "Never give up on that wayward child or whomever you are praying for." I don't think he was saying that there's never a place for "tough love" but I do think he was saying don't ever quit praying for them. (this is bria's mom btw).
posted by:
lollipop8987 (
reply)
post date:
07.10.06 (6:43 pm)
Reply to: bawdy
You have no right to post something like that about Amy martin you Did not know her. You cannot possibly say u cant feel sorry for her, this girl just died for no reason at all and for the simple fact that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time does not make her any less of a person, or an animal or anything like that if you are GOD the Father you have no right to judge, so don't. The least you could do is pray for this girls family, pray for her friends, the people who loved her, dont just sasy things u cannot back up.
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
07.11.06 (9:26 am)
Reply to: lollipop8987
I have every right to express my opinion whether you agree with it or not. I don't have to feel sorry for any criminal who preys on others. She chose to rob someone and it came back to bite her in the ass. She wasn't simply in the wrong place at the wrong time...she was committing a crime.
