Glen Had An Affair
Glen had an affair. Or, let's be more specific, Glen had a one-time liaison with a coworker. And, he got caught. How and when I am not sure. But, next thing I knew, a half-dozen church members including his wife called me as the pastor to give me the sordid story. And it became my task to sift through the hurt and sin to try to bring some redemption into the situation.
He said nothing to his broken wife and kids. He just packed up his suitcase and moved to the only motel in town. I called him and asked to come by to talk, and he graciously said yes. I entered his room to find a sad and resigned man. He sat on the edge of the bed and just talked, and I just listened. He knew it was wrong. He did not love the woman. And, it was over. But he decided his wife, family, and community would never forgive. So, Glen decided the best thing to do was to just sever all connections and move on with his life, somewhere else. I told him that he needed to sleep on it, and pray about it some more, and then do the right thing. We had prayer and I left.
In a couple of days, Glen moved back home. Things were not easy. His teenage daughters were angry, wife bitter, and everybody in the small community knew what had happened. But I admired the man, because he held his head high and continued with his life. And, next Sunday, he was back at church.
Glen was a Deacon in the church, which at least meant that he was supposed to be a spiritual leader and example. He came to my office and asked what he needed to do. He was willing to stop attending church out of embarrassment, and I quickly dismissed that idea. We decided to have a private meeting with all the other Deacons to discuss the issue.
My personal thinking, as a young minister, was that he probably should resign as a church leader. This was also suggested to me by some more seasoned denominational leadership. I kept private my thoughts as we gathered for the important meeting. I told the others the reason for the meeting. Glen offered no excuses, and simply told us he had “messed up”. He offered to resign in order to save the church continued embarrassment, and even to step forward to publicly confess his sins. And I will always remember the response of those simple country men. They told Glen that they loved him. They told him that if God has forgiven him, and his wife has forgiven him, then they will certainly forgive also. One man said that we have all “messed up” and need the grace of God. They did not want him to resign. They hugged him and they prayed for him
So, Glen continued to be a Deacon in the church. Seldom did he have much to say, an even quieter and more reserved man than before. And he seemed to have a new gentleness about himself.
At the time I was a bit displeased with the lack of church discipline. I was looking for a statement in opposition for sin, made loud for the benefit of the community. Instead came a quiet statement. And that was at least ten years ago. But I still hear what those men had to say to their broken colleague. I hear it clearly now.
Yesterday I called Bro. John, who was the “patriarch” of the church back then. He's gotten older and has been forced to cut back on his church involvement. We exchanged some pleasantries. Then I asked if he remembered the situation with Glen, and he responded with a quiet yes. I told John it has taken me a while to realize what happened at that meeting. With a shaky voice I thanked the old man for showing to me what Christian love is supposed to be. He just chuckled, in his inimitable way, and said, “You're welcome.”
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” - Galatians 6:1-2 (NIV)
07.13.06 (11:48 pm) [
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posted by:
seochris (
reply)
post date:
07.13.06 (6:59 pm)
I truly sympathise with Glenn. Though sin will be punished at some point of life just as david, the king was. But then if God forgave him , then we are also to forgive the person.
To err is humane but to forgive is divine.
posted by:
mercuryrising (
reply)
post date:
07.13.06 (7:49 pm)
I can say that I understand why he would feel as if he had to get up and 'move on'. The torment he must have been going through! Not only did he believe he had let God down, but his wife, family and an entire church, that's a lot on one mans mind I would imagine. It's such a great example of the Lord's forgiveness and the capacity we have to forgive and let go. Thanks for sharing that one PD, We all stumble and on the way up become better christians for it.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.14.06 (5:17 am)
Reply to: seochris
I believe Glen was a sensitive man with a genuine connection with God who messed up. His punishment was the agony of knowing he had injured others and God. It was not easy to forgive himself. Punishment was severe. Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, whom the crowd was ready to stone, "Neither do I condemn thee. Go, and sin no more." Her sin did the condemning. He was in the forgiving business.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.14.06 (5:18 am)
Reply to: mercuryrising
"We all stumble and on the way up become better christians for it." - Great statement.
posted by:
True (
reply)
post date:
07.14.06 (6:55 am)
Really cool story Pastor Dave. There is a song by a band Delrious called King or Cripple in which a certain line has always stood out to me:
You take a broken man and you treat him like a King.
I think we can all look at this and say an amazing thank you for the grace given us from the cross. We were once blind but now we see. Thank God for his grace.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
07.14.06 (8:03 am)
Beautiful post. No end to how people can surprise you. Seems to me that church of yours is made up of some pretty accepting folks. God bless 'em, and you.
posted by:
spook102956 (
reply)
post date:
07.14.06 (3:41 pm)
Wonderful post!
posted by:
spook102956 (
reply)
post date:
07.14.06 (3:41 pm)
Wonderful blog!
posted by:
tabootenente (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (5:10 am)
pastor,
good story, old friend. we disagree on many subjects--not the least of which is the concept of sin--but your church community, your deacons and you all responded with a calm, respect and consideration that surprises me, somewhat, and impresses me.
our understanding of what "sin" means is different, and i won't try to guess at the relationship he had (has?) with his wife that led to the affair. and i don't think it matters, at least with respect to the response of your church. immediately after the affair, glen obviously felt he was in perdition. your responses prevented what might have become a free-fall.
thanks for another intriguing post.
taboo
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (6:22 am)
Reply to: True
I'm not familiar with the group, or the song, which says something about how out of touch I am with good contemporary Christian music. But the lyrics are readily available on the internet. I'll post them here because, indeed, the song makes a great statement:
King or cripple,
What have I become?
Beneath these kingly robes,
There lies a fragile man
What made me a king can sometimes cripple
All that you give can sometimes rob my innocence
Why do you let us walk upon a cliff so steep,
When deep below the sea there lies a bed of gold?
And if this should be our battle place,
Don't let me fall
Don't let us fall
I'd love to hold the hand of one who healed the blind
And saw the leper run into the arms of love
And king or cripple, they were the same to you
You took a broken man and you treat him like a king
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (6:25 am)
Reply to: surrogate
People do surprise you, and such seems to be a theme of learning in my life these days. I'm finding that imperfect people, even with glaring imperfections, have some sterling characteristics and can teach me some needed lessons. My responsibility- stop judging, start learning.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (6:28 am)
Reply to: babe4jesus55
Gee, I don't know about wonderful, but such is very nice of you to say. It's a reminder that love is really The Great Distinguishing Characteristic of the church.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (6:28 am)
Reply to: babe4jesus55
Wow, you said it twice.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (6:32 am)
Reply to: tabootenente
I would wager that most people, even of a non-religious nature, would agree that adultery is a "sin".
I have not considered too much what might have happened with this man had we let him be. Probably he would have fallen far. Love and forgiveness, they are divine qualities, and we all could use a big dose of both from time to time.
posted by:
spook102956 (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (1:29 pm)
When I was a teenager, and attending the small church I grew up in, there were two teenage brothers who had started attending our church. Their family were non church goers. I'll try to make this short. The boys (ages 13 and 16) shot their dad and killed him. They were physically and emotionally abused by their father. Anyway, the brothers decided before they killed him that they would never reveal which one actually pulled the trigger and they've never said. There were no witnesses (they shot him as he slept) and immediately called the authories and told them the truth. Anyway, when they were in the local jail, some men in the church (my dad included) held a meeting and decided that they should visit these boys in jail. Everyone was for it, except one man. He was known for his not always Christian ways. Anyway he got mad b/c he kept saying things like, "They've ruined their lives, there's nothing we can do; we shouldn't have anything to do with it." One man replied that the church should show them love and pray with them. This man replied, "Love, love love. That's all you ever hear in this church!" Then he stomped out. After he left, the pastor said, "I don't think he realizes it, but he just gave us a very big compliment."
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (2:38 pm)
Reply to: spook102956
Would make a great post! Come to think of it, your story would make an appropriately placed sermon illustration. Thanks.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
07.15.06 (5:25 pm)
God is very gentle with all of us at times. I tend to be a 'doer'. I want to jump right up and
TAKE A STAND. But the soulmate HE gave me is not like that. He tends to let me know when I am being 'reactionary', and helps me to stand back and go slow, think and listen.
Pastor's are not the only ones who are fallible. They are just a bit more prominent.
As my priest used to say. "my job is not to judge, that I leave to my boss. i am just here to let people know that HE is up there, waiting for them." he was a wise priest.
posted by:
tabootenente (
reply)
post date:
07.16.06 (5:27 am)
pastor,
people of a non-religious nature (and even some with a religious nature) won't have the same belief as you do in the concept of sin. i may not be a religious fellow, but i am a spiritual fellow; i tend to believe that sin is a matter of self-damage, self-hate.
once, i think, maybe it was a long time ago, the two of us chatted about the idea of innocence (in relation to eden). in many ways, i think the reality of sin is a lot like the reality of innoncence: both are perspectives we create for ourselves to believe.
so when i read your post, i thought of glen and the way he looked through his own eyes after having the affair. he believed he was no longer worthy of living with his family, or remaining part of your community. he maintained a strange element of pride, something that showed itself by his strong sense of self--he was believing in his own power to strongly influence other people. it's a different side of pride, a different aspect of the ego--but still, that integral sense of self is pride.
and i thought, here is a man who wants--or is willing--to be a martyr. he is willing to ruin his life for the sake of others. he is willing to be a bad example. he is willing to spare the community the effort of judgment.
glen would have left, too. he would have gone somewhere else, done something else, thought of himself in the way that people think of themselves when they believe they are unworthy of love.
so, again i wonder: what was happening in glen's life that allowed him to have an affair, when he clearly believed that having an affair was the sort of sin that would irrevocably contaminate him for life?
something was happening, even it was nothing. it takes a lot of energy to do something that goes against the "good" (or bad) way you've done things throughout your life up to this point.
you call the affair a sin. i call the affair "wrong," in the sense that a person wrongs the world when he does something he believes in his heart to be wrong.
i also believe that the state of mind he was in before having the affair was wrong. both states demand some element of self-loathing. when you hate yourself, everything you do is wrong.
and pastor, sorry for all the blather, this is just a long-winded explanation for why i was so impressed with your response, and the response of your community. this "sin" he committed is the sort of thing i believe was necessary: i think he probably hated himself well before the affair took place, that he already believed he was unloveable. the affair confirmed, or foregrounded, that self-loathing. and maybe the only way to restore glen to himself was for him to see a concrete example of his hate for himself; and then to see the overwhelming proof that even in his state of despair, that he was still loveable.
which could only happen as a result of your community's response.
which, after all (so i understand, at least), is the central truth of your religious practice. everyone is unworthy. "but for the grace of god go i . . . "
taboo
, besides the gentle way your community cared for him,
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
07.16.06 (1:59 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave That is THE lesson I think.
posted by:
babe4jesus55 (
reply)
post date:
07.16.06 (6:14 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
Actually, that was my mama that commented earlier, but do agree with her. What a splendid showering of love.
