Broken By A Little Girl
Life with K has taken another turn in what is proving to be a long and difficult journey.
Last night she informed us that she & Skylar, our 4-month-old granddaughter, will be moving in with her boyfriend.
My reaction? Angry, but even more, brokenhearted.
The whole family has poured its collective heart into loving Skylar. My oldest, as we moved her into her dorm room, told me with misty eyes that she will miss the little one the most. My wife and/or I tend to Skylar while K works her 2-9 p.m. shift, and while she attends college classes. We also watch her two nights per week as K goes out with her friends. I change diapers, rock her to sleep, and play with her on the floor. She is such a joy for me.
The guy K is moving in with I have a hard time respecting. Recently he spent 30 days in jail for DUI. He quit school and thus has no High School diploma, works a low paying job, avoids my wife and I at all costs, has no interest in church or spiritual matters, and his brothers and sisters are of like calibre.
I realize some of you most likely have no problem with an 18-year-old moving in with her boyfriend. But you should understand that it goes against the very foundation of what we believe to be good and right. I believe it is sin. And I cannot help but feel that, by her doing this, she intends a direct insult toward me. My wife tells me that is not true, that she is just being a rebellious teenager.
One morning, a couple of years ago, K called me with a strange voice. She was crying, and did not know where she was at or how she had gotten there. Obviously she was strung out on drugs. I found out where she was at, went to the other side of the county to pick her up. She and her friend moved in with us. The friend was unwilling to stay, but K did for several months. And, eventually K moved out again.
Several months later she let me know she was ready to come back home. Her utilities had been turned off because of non-payment. She looked rough from neglect. I said yes, and she was fine for awhile.
Then she moved in with a friend’s dad, who was convinced I was the real problem. K enjoyed the situation for several months. She even spent Christmas with her “new” family. Then, the next thing I knew, they kicked her out for not abiding by basic family rules. The dad called me to apologize. K called me to come back home. I said yes, again.
Then, I received that fateful call from my wife, telling me K was pregnant. I was numbed. But, through the grace of God, I found a way to go see K, give her a hug, and tell her it was time to come home and have her baby.
Through her pregnancy we were able to help her in many ways. She graduated. The church gave her an amazing baby shower, and accepted her without judgment. Skylar was born healthy and happy. K got a good paying job. She enrolled in College, and made all B’s in her first semester.
And, now this.
My “gut” desire is to find this guy and give him a hard punch to the stomach. And I would truly like to do that. But it’s not his fault. He’s just your typical punk looking to get laid, and he has found a pretty girl (who happens to be my daughter) who is more than glad to oblige.
And, there is a part of me that says it is time to give up on this relationship with K. She has not told, nor shown, that she loves me in many years. I’m getting no return out of this relationship. I know, when that happens in a marriage, there comes a time when divorce seems the best option. And I’ve thought about divorcing my daughter.
Now here’s the kicker. Last night, after we told K that she was making a mistake, what she was doing was wrong, and that I was deeply hurt- we then told her that she always has a home to come back to. And, we volunteered to continue to watch Skylar for her while she went to work and to College. That’s not very tough, is it? I admit it- at times I can talk a tough game- but when it gets down to being hardnosed, it appears I’m pretty soft.
So, now my daughter whom folks have often said is so much like me, will be shacking up with some guy. And it appears this is but the beginning of her dragging my precious little granddaughter along with her as she makes her mistakes of life. She has punched me in the mouth, once again.
08.15.06 (12:18 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
thoolou (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (9:59 am)
My heart breaks for you, man.
Words fail me, but I wish you and your family strength, and peace...
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (11:15 am)
Lousy deal Dave. There is no right or wrong reaction for you. Not yet anyway. Guy sounds like an asshole. Too bad you can't keep Skylar while she does her dumb thing.
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (11:58 am)
Man, that's rough. She's an adult and there's nothing you can do about it. You've offered your support and done your best. That's all we can do. I hope she comes to her senses soon and gets on the right path.
posted by:
inkspector (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (1:16 pm)
After reading this I am in tears.
It is obvious that your daughter needs help and an overhaul in the self confidence/self esteem department. If she had a good sense of herself and what is important for her to do and especially now her daughter, she would think about the baby first.
I can only imagine how stressed and upset you all are. I would be more concerned about the physical and emotional welfare of your daughter and the baby if she is living with an unstable controlling and manipulative guy.
I hope she does not drop out of school due to the eventual influence of the "boyfriend".
I hope you can babysit on a regular basis. At least your grand-daughter will have have the consistancy and sense of love and security you have already given her. Every child deserves that from their grandparents.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (1:53 pm)
Reply to: thoolou
It's good just to release some of this pent-up frustration by writing this blog. And it's also good to hear from folks who are not close to the situation. You're right, I think, that sometimes the best we can do is tell someone I don't have anything really to say, but I do care. Thanks.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (1:54 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
She is such a gentle and caring mother in her interaction with the little one. But, then, agains, she is so very foolish in her interactions with basic matters of life. I'll keep a close eye on Skyler, and if neglect and/or abuse comes along, I'll intervene.
posted by:
babe4jesus55 (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (3:21 pm)
Oh, PD! *HUG* I thought it was hard dealing with such decisions from a friend and/or relative's standpoint, but obviously it's much more difficult from a parent's point of view.
I so hope you will continue to keep Skylar. She needs someone's stable love to hold on to.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
posted by:
spook102956 (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (5:17 pm)
I'm with thoolou, I don't know what to say. But you and your family will be in my prayers. My heart goes out to you.
posted by:
toztee (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (6:49 pm)
O Dave...I pray that you are in the Maker's palm...held tight and safe as you deal with this new heartbreak. How your family must be hurting!!! Having a grandchild by my son that is not married to the mother...I know the worries and fears that one carries daily about the little one. K will be in our prayers too. She is young and doesn't know all the dangers she is exposing her daughter to or herself it would seem. The guy too. They all need the Lord and we at my home will be praying.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (7:20 pm)
Reply to: bawdy
I've found a person can be an adult physically and intellectually, yet be an adolescent emotionally and socially. K has always had guys after her, and she has not handled it very well. All her life she has had people tell her how attractive she is. I've tried to encourage her to develop a sense of self-worth that is not tied to her physical appearance. The message has never been learned.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (7:24 pm)
Reply to: inkspector
I don't want you in tears!
I think, maybe, I've been a bit too transparent with this post. I've never been very good at opening up my life and letting others in.
I do appreciate your encouragement to continue to take care of Skylar. I watched her tonight, as well as another little boy, while the ladies had a meeting at church. As usual, she was a joy. Slept a little, dined a little, and laughed a little.
Thanks.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (7:27 pm)
Reply to: babe4jesus55
You will experience for yourself, one day, the quite unique perspective of a parent. Kids go through these many phases of life, and all necessary. K's is an extended phase of self-absorption and blindness to those who truly care for her. My job, responsibility and really my privilege is to help her to survive this time in her life. My goal is to see her emerge from this dark crevass of life, one day, as a healthy and productive adult. Only with God's help will this happen. I'm not strong enough nor good enough to do it.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (7:29 pm)
Reply to: spook102956
I take seriously, and gratefully, your promise to pray for my family. That is a great compliment you pass my way. Thank you.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (7:32 pm)
Reply to: toztee
Such challenges have come to me before. Not exactly the same, but similar in intensity. Usually I respond, initially, with great fear. But prayer takes hold, and wisdom, and after a few days the situation proves to be bearable. And, with time, such matters become great tools in my life for learning and growth. I have no doubt this will work the same way.
Thanks. One day we will sit down together, with our grandchildren, and share good stories.
posted by:
inkspector (
reply)
post date:
08.15.06 (8:41 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
I was sad for you all when the little baby leaves. That is always so hard even though you will see her again it is the everyday stuff that you all will miss the most.
I am also sad for your daughter and her perspective but as you state, she just has not gotten it together yet emotionally and socially.
I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
This is the downside of being a parent.
You do your best but sometimes there are circumstances beyond your control when it comes to nature and personality.
posted by:
babe4jesus55 (
reply)
post date:
08.16.06 (8:41 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
*awestruck* Perhaps one day I will be wise.
posted by:
drforbush (
reply)
post date:
08.17.06 (1:45 pm)
It sounds like your daughter is in the classic internal conflict between freedom and responsibility. She wants freedom, but she does not want the responsibility that goes along with that freedom. Or course this doesn’t make the situation any easier to deal with, but maybe insight into where she is mentally might help you as you talk to her. She has created an idealized vision of freedom, and she wants this idea that she has romanticized. However, as an adult we all know that freedom comes with the responsibility to make rent payments, work jobs to get the money to pay for that freedom. But, the jobs and responsibility take time out of your “freedom.”
Obviously your objective is to show her how she can choose a better way to have some freedom while taking some responsibility. As a preacher, I am sure you know a better way to bring this concept down to a headstrong 18-year-old who thinks they know what is best for them.
Good luck, and I pray my problems are much simpler to solve. My third child is looking like she is down this same road, and she is only in 6th grade.
posted by:
seochris (
reply)
post date:
08.17.06 (9:51 pm)
Pastor this really sad news for me. It was only recently that your fingers were hurt, your wife was admitted and now you see K is behaving in a very different way absolutely ignoring you.
I believe that u as a servant of God should put your faith in God fully and God would shortly do the needful to the extent that you need not divorce her instead she would come to your feet and further follow you to be the next minister from your family after you. God is in control. Its time for K to learn a really tough lesson from none less than God himself. This is sheerly because of His glory and His grace which is laid waste. he wont allow this. For sure.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (5:12 am)
PD, I am very sorry for your pain. I will pray for your family, and share some experience. It's not advice, well, because doing this for us didn't work out well at all.
When S & her husband first started out they seemed okay. The utility shutoffs and always broke etc we just chalked up to two kids trying to make it in today's world. So we helped. We didn't want our daughter to suffer.
Then our Skyler came. We didn't want her to do without either, so we always made sure that she had diapers, food, clothing etc. Kept the rent paid, lights on, bought parents a car so they could work...you get the picture.
It just got worse and worse. Even without putting the drugs into the picture.
In short, we had turned from loving parents, into enablers.
And, that was EXACTLY what my daughter needed to start the road to heroin addiction. No resposibility for her actions, no worry about how to pay for food etc and the baby. Nope. Mom & Dad would cover that. SHE could spend her money however, and then lie to us about losing it. Over and Over.
And, she did. And then another baby came.
be Warned and careful. Watch the baby for her, but make her PAY you and your wife or the other kids, SOMETHING for watching the baby. Housework. Something.
If you help her out, do it only in goods, not ever money. If she cannot pay rent, DO NOT PAY IT FOR HER. If she gets kicked out of the house because the boyfriend is a jerk, let her get kicked out. Do not let her back in, but offer the baby a place to stay for safety.
the biggest mistake WE made was allowing our daughter to not have consequences. So, now at 27, she is still in about the same place as your daughter is. Not making good decisions, and not making healthy decisions for her and the kids. We ended up having to take her children away from her in court.
the consequences of bad behavior and bad decision making should hurt. As parents, we don't want our children to hurt, but HURT is how WE learned. Waste your money, go hungry. Don't pay your rent, sleep in a homeless shelter.
PD. she needs to grow up. Allow it to happen and don't cushion, except for the baby.
as i said. I will pray for you.
dawn
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (5:54 am)
wonder if it might be a good idea to ask her to read your post and the comments you received here?
posted by:
TheRockSays (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (12:39 pm)
My better judgement tells me not to offer any useless and unqualified advice, so I'll just say: I'm with ya brother.
I will weigh-in w/my 0.02$ though: I think the last thing K needs is on-line therapy from a bunch of impulsive and isolated bloggers. Clearly K's problems, aren't from a serious lack of paternal wisdom, so I think all we can do for K would be through D.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (1:38 pm)
Reply to: LadyG
"undying love"
That's very hard, especially when the object of that love is not very attractive and does not reciprocate. And I know that is the very essence of godly love. I'm so glad that, long ago, I came to understand that love is not ultimately tied to emotions. So, I don't have to have warm feelings toward my girl to love her.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (1:40 pm)
Reply to: babe4jesus55
I'm not wise. Really, when I look at K, she's a lot like me- just more raw and at the edge. I'm convinced when you become a parent you will do better.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (1:47 pm)
Reply to: drforbush
I understand the natural and necessary struggle that the adolescent goes through as she reaches adulthood. I think my girl has moved far beyond the boundaries. I worry, because there is no reasonable logic or safety in her approach to important matters of life. For instance, she and her boyfriend are intent upon buying a condo! Around here, condos start at $150,000. Perhaps there would be a realtor or bank who would give them one with nothing down and no closing costs (I sincerely doubt it), and then monthly payments would be around $1200 per month. Then you have utilities, taxes, insurance, furnishings, upkeep, etc. Since K makes $10 per hour, working 30 hours/week, and her boyfriend makes about the same, I think buying a condo is a ludicrous idea. And she wants to enter into a 30 year commitment with someone who most probably will not be around a year from now! I'd say, "Go ahead. Do something very stupid!" But, little Skylar is tied up in all this.
What a mess.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (1:52 pm)
Reply to: seochris
"Its time for K to learn a really tough lesson from none less than God himself."
Yes. To trust God with this situation seems to be the best, and probably the only, thing I can do. If He is a loving, good, and personally intervening God- which I do believe- then trusting Him is wise. Thanks for the reminder.
By the way, you do know that the "finger injury" was not a serious matter?!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (2:00 pm)
Reply to: fractalmom
I sense you are a fellow "broken parent". I think we deserve better, but we must deal with reality. We love our kids, and sacrificial/undying love is a given. But it must be wise love, and as you put it, we must not be "enablers" to their unhealthy, self-destructive lifestyles. I've decided, at least with my thinking of today, that I'll do anything and everything to make sure Skylar is safe and healthy. And, wherever K is connected with Skylar, she will benefit from my help. But as far as K in matters in any way seperate from Skylar, she is on her own.
I'm thinking, and right now just thinking, about moving far from here in order to keep from being an enabler of K, and also for the emotional health of myself and especially my wife. We've been going through this stuff for over five years now, and we are about spent.
Thanks for the wisdom. And, the prayers.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (2:02 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
Well, if we were dealing with reason and rationality here, then yours would be a fine suggestion for this issue. But, K is not reasonable nor rational. There is a disconnect in her thinking. It's unhealthy, ugly, and I do not have a grasp on it. But reason, and I may say authority/force, do not work with her.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (2:04 pm)
Reply to: TheRockSays
You're right. She will never see this blog. This stuff is for my own mental well-being. Ha... at least to keep me from going completely mad.
Thanks.
posted by:
Girlpower (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (6:55 pm)
I am curious, how old is your daughter?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.18.06 (8:20 pm)
Reply to: Girlpower
18. She became pregnant before around 17.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
09.01.06 (5:33 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
Excellent advice! Thanks for giving us all a reality check...today is a different world and PD doesn't always know about some things. With love,
MiMi
