My Trick For The Day? Swallow A Fireman's Hose
I learned a new word today; "endoscopy".
My wife found an exciting new way to make extra money, by volunteering for clinical trials. She can make $300 by volunteering to participate in a trial, and an additional $300 by volunteering me. Now, I could have objected, but I've learned that it is just not worth it. She signed me up for an allergy trial. That did not sound too bad: journaling, taking a test medication that might very well be a placebo, and meeting other men forced into like servitude by their wives. However, I did not qualify. Instead they offered for me to participate in a study of acid reflux. “Oh, sometimes Dave has heartburn,” she blurted out with glee. I was quickly enlisted.
So, this morning I had an endoscopy. As I understood, it involved swallowing a tiny little capsule which would contain a tiny little camera, which would take tiny little pictures of my stomach. That sounded easy, so I marched into the exam room with a John-Wayne-swagger.
The nurse was scary. I expect a health care professional to be just that- professional. It engenders confidence. This lady looked like a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. She wore huge Adidas, untied. She was sipping a straw from a Slurpee cup, and she aggravatingly mumbled without making eye contact. She asked if I wanted a mild anesthesia before the procedure, that it was optional? I asked if there was any pain involved, and she replied, “How would I know? I've never had the procedure done.” Just where do nurses like this come from? I was thinking, well, let's get this thing over- no anesthesia!
I laid down on the table. My throat was sprayed with the most awful tasting, bitter, gag-inducing liquid available. Then, the doctor told me to be careful not to gag. In a couple of minutes my throat felt like it had restricted to the size of a straw, a Slurpee straw. It was then that the doctor brought out a “tube” to be inserted into my throat. It looked like a fireman's hose, huge and menacing. I wanted the anesthesia, but it was too late. The doctor seemingly inserted about 50 feet, down my throat. I gagged, and gagged some more. He and the assistants did not care. I could hear a steady slurp from Amazon nurse, and a conversation about new carpet from the other helpers. And I was sure there was a reason why this physician was employed to ram a hose down a throat instead open heart surgery. I'm not sure what else transpired, other than lots of gagging. I'm thinking it involved crying, begging, cursing, and the need for an adult diaper change.
When the results came in, I was disqualified from the study! Apparently I've got some serious heartburn issues, and they are looking for more healthy participants. I'm glad this was discovered, because now I can start taking Prilosec and adjusting my diet.
And I announced to my wife that I am now retired from the Clinical Trial Business. I'll pay her $300 to let me be.
08.21.06 (9:40 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.21.06 (7:06 pm)
Reply to: LadyG
So, I suspect you have had the joy of this procedure. "It won't hurt...it's easy..." People lie!
posted by:
FinalyFree (
reply)
post date:
08.21.06 (8:44 pm)
Oh gosh that's lidocaine they spray down your throat! Evil stuff, I have to have it every time I have a transesophogial ecohocardiogram--and I won't even consider it without some 'happy' medicine. I had a horrendous experience with the lido once and experienced a very scary panic attack. My doctor's know I'm gonna have the sedation or I won't be having the procedure. I sure feel your pain :(
posted by:
babe4jesus55 (
reply)
post date:
08.21.06 (9:09 pm)
That sounds like fun! Or not. Sorry about your icky experience. Good thing they found out you have problems though! Now they get to fix them! Woo-hoo!
posted by:
bjervah (
reply)
post date:
08.21.06 (11:50 pm)
well, thanks for letting me know about this unpleasentness, now i can avoid it if at all possible! Ha ha. We all owe you one for this entry.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.22.06 (12:05 pm)
Reply to: FinalyFree
As I describe my experience, I know from the start that I am basically a wimp. If I had to go through a tenth of what you have experienced, I'm sure I'd be looney by now. And it is a frightening experience to feel the effects of the lidocaine as it seems to tighten the throat; the thought did go through my mind that I could choke to death. Not a fun feeling.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.22.06 (12:06 pm)
Reply to: babe4jesus55
The old Romans 8:28 thing, I believe.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.22.06 (12:07 pm)
Reply to: bjervah
It's a common procedure. I was number two of five they were performing that morning. I do recommend that you take the "shot" before the procedure.
posted by:
babe4jesus55 (
reply)
post date:
08.22.06 (4:15 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
Most definatly!
posted by:
ruined (
reply)
post date:
08.22.06 (6:14 pm)
If it involves anything being rammed down my throat, one of two things had better happen. 1 - I demand to be under. I cannot tolerate tubes down my gullet. or 2 - a lot more than $300 in my pocket, afterwards. Even with that said, I would rather it be option #1.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
08.22.06 (6:49 pm)
Reply to: ruined
You are so very, very right. As I consider this small chapter of my life, just concluded, I think of myself as very, very stupid.
posted by:
FinalyFree (
reply)
post date:
08.22.06 (7:22 pm)
Reply to: FinalyFree
Hey, don't make light of what you experienced. Up until just recently the incident gone bad I referred to(a bronchoscopy) was the single worst thing I'd ever encountered. I still cringe at the thought of it, I was certain I was choking to death on my own saliva...it was terrifying.
posted by:
TheRockSays (
reply)
post date:
08.22.06 (8:41 pm)
Wouldn't it be just hilarious if all that turned out to be a big scam to get you to take Prilosec? I can see drug companies being the aluminum siding salesmen of the 21c. I'm wondering if I'm being hussled for something else. Today I got a call from some security company telling me I have been chosen to help them out in some kind of advertising campaign to receive a free home alarm system, worth 1000$.
