Phone Call From The Pope

(Note: This is written with apologies to all Catholics, Muslims, Protestants, and Surrogate)

Phone rings

PD - Just a bit sleepy. It's 3 in the morning. "Hello?"
Pope - "God bless you my son."
PD - "What?"
Pope - "This is the Pope. You know, in the succession of St. Peter, the head of the Church."
PD - "What? Donnie, is this you. Man, these kinds of things were funny twenty years ago. Heck, they're even a bit funny at a decent time of day. But, 3 in the morning? Man, you've got to get a life, and stop calling me."

Hangs up the phone and crawls back into bed.

Phone rings again.

PD - "Hello."
Pope - "Hello, PastorDave my son. I need some help."
PD - "You're the Pope? Prove it."

He proceeds, in the next five minutes, to say "God bless you" in nine different languages., name the last 34 Saints, and offer to me absolution of sins. I ask about indulgences, and he says they haven't sold them for about four centuries. I'm convinced.

PD - "So, Leo, why are you calling?"
Pope - "Dave, don't you think you are being a bit familiar? Most call me 'Your Highness'."
PD - "Well, I'm a Protestant. You know, Martin Luther and all that stuff. Besides, what are you going to do- consign me to Purgatory?"
Pope - "Dave, you really should keep up with Church news a little better. No more Purgatory!"
PD - "Oh yeah. I keep up with church news. Ms. Bessie has a hangnail, and Laura Green just had another kid. Oh, and the Jones family is traveling to Arkansas. They're all on the Prayer List."

We chitchat for a while, talk about some of the difficulties of pastoring a church in this day and age, and then we get down to the real purpose for the call. 

Pope - "I hear you sometimes offer some pretty good advice."
PD - "I'm flattered, Rev. Pope....oops, Your Pontiff."
Pope - "I've gotten the whole Muslim world mad at me. It really wasn't intended."
PD - "I know what it's like. Sometimes I just get too busy, and do not do a very good job of preparing a sermon. Then I end up saying some really dumb things."
Pope - "Yeah, but when you speak on behalf of the Church, you're not infallible."

PD - Let's see if I understand this matter- We have a world populated by fanatic Muslims, ready to riot and kill whenever they consider their faith to be insulted. Here you are, the leader and spokesperson for the Catholic Church. You are known to be highly intelligent and worldly wise. And what do you do? You quote some obscure theologian from hundreds of years ago in a clearly provocative insult to these people. And now they are angry, and want to kill Christians, and you seem perplexed?"
Pope - "Yeah, that's about it. What went wrong?"

PD - "Maybe you ought to be quoting Jesus, instead of some two-bit theologian from 400 years ago. Perhaps something from the Sermon On The Mount, something about love. I believe He had a lot to say about love."
Pope- "PD, you know you are right. I wish I had though about that."

PD - "Something else: These people are convinced that Christians hate them. They equate, rightly or wrongly, Western warfare as religious imperialism. What you have done is stoke the fire."
Pope - "So, should I apologize?"
PD - "How can you? Remember, you're infallible."

Pope - "I was thinking about holding a Mass in Iraq..."
PD - "Not a good idea, sir. May I suggest a long vacation in Tuscany. Maybe some golf, some nice restaurants, perhaps you could bless some babies or something."

Pope - "Dave, my son, you have great wisdom. Perhaps you would be interested in being the next Bishop of Atlanta?"
PD - "Just one little problem, sir. Remember, I'm Baptist."
Pope - "Oops, I forgot. Forgive me. Wait a minute..."

Click. The phone went dead.

The Pope has not called back.

 

09.17.06 (9:35 pm)   [edit]


posted by: mimi (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (6:44 pm)

"all you need is love, dat da da da da"
xoxox


posted by: sebastianjoshua (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (6:47 pm)

hmmm... damage has been done


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (7:31 pm)

Reply to: mimi
Do you think the Pope listens to the Beatles? I kind of doubt it, but it makes for a funny image to consider him being tended to by all his cohorts as he holds onto a walkman and earphones.



posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (7:32 pm)

Reply to: sebastianjoshua
You're right. Seems to me the supposedly most inspired Christian on the face of the earth would know better. We're all sinners who make mistakes. Maybe it is time for even the Pope to 'fess up.



posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (7:43 pm)

I think it's "Your Pontif-ness."

Great post! I'm sure the guy meant no harm, but, as you pointed out, when you're infallible, you've got to be a little careful.

More proof it's time do to away with the office, have a fire sale to dispose of all holdings controlled by the Vatican AND give the money to the poor - or, at the very least, ...me.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (7:48 pm)

Reply to: surrogate
Doesn't the Vatican own, like, a fourth of the world? Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. but why would an institution that requires a vow of poverty from it's most devout adherents insist upon so much material possession? Of course, who am I as a Baptist to talk- my convention, the SBC, owns half of Nashville- and the million dollar churches that are popping up everywhere sure aren't much of a testimony to One who "..has no place to lay His head..."



posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (8:04 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave

Yeah, but since the SBC doesn't own the Grand Ole' Oprey, I think their hands are still clean by comparison.



posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (8:14 pm)

Oh, by the way, the vow of poverty is long gone... it was reworked and revised some time ago. A priest friend explained "it" and the rationale behind the change to me some years ago, and it did make sense - though I'll be damned if I could explain it. Seeems that about the only weird vow left is the celibacy thing, and it's (of course) the one that causes all the problems.


posted by: TheRockSays (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (9:35 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave

As he holds onto a walkwhat??? If the pope did indeed own a WalkmanTM that really would be behind the times.


posted by: babe4jesus55 (reply)
post date: 09.17.06 (10:04 pm)

Haha. I agree with Rock up there; I'd think the Pope could afford an Ipod, unlike myself.


posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 09.18.06 (12:13 pm)

Where'd the pope hear that you sometimes give good advice? Someone's been pulling his leg! *ducks*


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 09.18.06 (1:51 pm)

Reply to: TheRockSays
And, are you saying the Pope is NOT behind the times?



posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 09.18.06 (1:51 pm)

Reply to: babe4jesus55
I'm going to do a Google, and find out if they still make and sell the Sony Walkman. I'll bet they do.



posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 09.18.06 (1:52 pm)

Reply to: bawdy
Hey, he said it himself, and he is infallible.



posted by: drforbush (reply)
post date: 09.18.06 (3:38 pm)

Reply to: surrogate

The vows that the priests, nuns, monks or whatever take depend on the order they join. (Think of it as pledging a frat.) If you agree with the order, then you are willing to join. The nuns that join Mother Teresa's sorority pledge poverty. They are only allowed to have two changes of clothes and a mat to sleep on.


PastorDave, Nice post, good thing he called you because I don't know if I'd have any "good" answers for him.




posted by: TheRockSays (reply)
post date: 09.18.06 (5:29 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave

Is he behind the times? Well, I dunno, maybe a little. But I don't think he'd be so behind the times as to use... whaddya call 'em... audio cassettes.


posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 09.19.06 (3:32 am)

Reply to: TheRockSays

Hey Rock, I listen to audio cassettes every day. Still.

(But that's just because most of the books on tape at libraries are still in that format... I say it's THEM that's behind the times and keeping me down... What's an Ipod, anyway? Where does the sound come from? Seems like voodoo to me.)



posted by: therocksays (reply)
post date: 09.19.06 (6:21 am)

Reply to: surrogate

I don't really know what an iPod is either. I'm a bit behind also, I just have a 1.5Gb Rio (which is, of course, 1.5 salesman Gb, which is really 1.4 computer science Gb)


posted by: drforbush (reply)
post date: 09.19.06 (10:44 am)

Reply to: surrogate

If you are going to buy a new sound machine, buy the Creative "Zen," I have stock in Creative and it isn't doing very well lately.


posted by: ruined (reply)
post date: 09.19.06 (6:59 pm)

Anybody else get the feeling that Surrogate is really the Pope undercover?

Just a thought... :D


posted by: seochris (reply)
post date: 09.21.06 (8:17 pm)

Let me put it this way. Pope is the ambassador the Anti-Christ which wud be revealed somewhere near in future.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 09.21.06 (8:35 pm)

Reply to: seochris

The Pope is the anti-Christ? If that's true, and you follow the theology of the Pre-millenial/Dispensational, then you and I must have been "left behind". Or, is he still incognito, soon to be revealed?

Seriously, I don't believe that.



posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 09.21.06 (8:37 pm)

Reply to: pantheist
You are aware that Falwell and I play tennis every Friday morning?

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