When Teenager Meets Freedom....Help!
My son, B, is a riddle entangled within an enigma. I'm thinking such is the case with most teenagers, including you and I when we were of that delicate age. I'll give some background, explain the situation, and then ask for advice.
The Situation
He's 17. Who is this kid?
He now has a car, an old Jeep Cherokee. Increasingly he is away from home, for he likes to hang out with his friends (i.e.- girls) and encourage us to trust him. And we do....mostly. He's a good kid. Good student. He is in the ROTC, and is determined to go to College and then a military career. He's conscientious, and quietly religious.
Recently he has discovered girls, and now it seems he will never be the same. They call him here at the house, several different ones at all kinds of times. It is no longer adequate for me to give him the message, “A young lady called for you.”, for his reply is, “That doesn't help. Which one?”
The Challenge
We will be going to Jeckyll Island the last week of December for some much needed relaxation. My son, for whatever reasons, has always endured but never really enjoyed family vacations. Our daughters are both adults with busy personal lives. So this time we gave our three a choice of whether to go with us or not. Surprisingly, both of our girls- my oldest a Junior in College, and youngest a Freshman and mother of a 10-month-old- excitedly jumped at the opportunity. But, not B. He was even more excited about the idea of staying home. So, it looks like he will be here at the house for a week without adult supervision.
The Plot Thickens
Recently we have intercepted correspondence from him indicating some sneaky plans while we are away. His current girlfriend (“Just a friend” he says) knows “where they can get some pot”, and he wants a guy to come over and help him drink some beer. He does not know that we have this inside information. And he's asking us if we can pinpoint to him exactly when we will be back, which is disconcerting especially for my wife.
The Options:
*We can force him to go with us for vacation.
*We can go on without him, and trust that we have instilled in him the values needed to deal with this tricky time of life. And, this is the option I am leaning toward. Sometimes, I think, we can just know too much about our kids. To me, most important is not what someone is tempted to do, or contemplates doing, but what one actually does. I'm thinking it is not possible nor wise to shield my adolescents from every possibility of vice. Instead I need to raise them as best I can, and along the way loosen the grip a bit, and trust. To me, this is a scary but necessary moment of trust.
*My wife thinks we should very deliberately lecture him about his week of freedom, and then give a trusted friend a house key with the assignment to make random unannounced visits to the home.
The Plea
When teenager meets freedom, produced is a scary moment....for the parents. Any thoughts?
12.08.06 (3:17 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (12:36 pm)
Oh man... No advice from me on this one. Good Luck!
(Except to say whatever you decide may or may not work out the way you hope it will. And, your son will NEVER trust the trusted friend again, which may or may not be important. Have I mentioned that my kids are 26 and 28 and how I'm incredibly thankful for that? - which is to say, better you than me!)
Have fun on the trip.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (12:46 pm)
i absolutely agree with surr...thank goodness mine are grown and on their own...trust is a delicate thing, easily broken and kids then wonder why we can't/don't trust them...17...i think i would insist he join the family...xoxox
posted by:
ruined (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (12:51 pm)
Much to my parent's dismay, I learned life's most memorable lessons by making terrible mistakes. Luckily, none of the mistakes I made were irreversable. I turned out okay.
Talk to your son about the importance of decisions and that decisions can have life-long consequences. Sometimes a good heart-to-heart goes a long way.
Good luck with this... I dread when my 3 girls become teenagers.
posted by:
FinalyFree (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (1:21 pm)
I have 3 teenagers living here now, only a couple of years there were 5 of them, yes FIVE teenagers at once...it was a living Hell. Honestly Pastor, if it were me, and I have been in a similar situation I'd have to say it depends on the kid. My daughter was no saint, she was painfully honest about most everything when pressured but still I knew that she would use her head if push came to shove. I would have left her home alone and prayed constantly! Of the four boys there's not a single one of them I would have left home alone, not one. The main reason being, while relatively good boys, they don't think about the 'what if's' where my daughter exhibited on more than one occasion that she would. Now, had I had the inside information from any one of mine that you have now I'll have to be honest and say I wouldn't be able to trust them to be left alone.
I was probably one of the most trustworthy responsible teenagers around yet when I was left home alone at age 18, a graduate of HS and a college student, I decided to throw a little 'party'...the cops busted it up, found pot, took all our liquor and 4 people to jail.
I'd say to convince him how many 'hot' girls he'll see at the beach!
posted by:
inkspector (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (4:28 pm)
Knowing what you know and if he is 17 and still in school, I say take him with you for some family time. I agree, use the "hot girls" at the beach as an incentive. You and your wife could just tell him to come because you do not feel comfortable leaving a minor home alone.
If you decide to leave him home, and he does something you trusted him NOT to do, then before you go, do the heart to heart talk and tell him that if he breaks trust or you find out that he has and he has lied (because you eventually found out), then take his privilege of his vehicle away for a time or some other privilege or make him pay a fine from his own money.
Just some ideas. Hope he makes the right choice.
posted by:
musicalhair (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (5:00 pm)
I think, if I were you, I'd recind the offer to skip out on the family vacation and make it up to him through some alternate compensation. At this point, the whole family in fact was going, so it would be just "wrong" for him to skip it. I'd be cautious with the information about the pot and the party he was planning, but if some how you could gain that information via legitimate means I'd use it like a hammer. I would be working overtime trying to figure out a way to gain that info legitmately.
I'd be more concerned about the pot than the girl. I'd also make sure that the girl's parent's knew you'd be out of the house, if that were possible.
I'm sure you son is a good kid, but so what :^) . I'm sure he didn't get there by you letting him get away with everything. Good kid or not, you were going to trust him and he seems to have already let you down this time. I'm not saying every other kid wouldn't be doing exactly the same thing he's planning-- and by way of disclosure I should point out that I was completely wasted most every evening and weekend my my teenage years--, but if he expects to get away with those kinds of plans, he has to plan it with out you finding out.
What ever you do, don't hold it against him.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (6:37 pm)
one more note...family is family and to ditch to hang with friends sets a difficult precident...he needs to recognize that every moment counts and one day the family will break apart in one way or another, so you all should enjoy one another while you can...he can be gone from the family later, should he choose, but i don't think today is the day he is old enough to realize the value of time spent together, especially when everyone else wants to be together.
posted by:
TheRockSays (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (7:19 pm)
Is there any way he could intercept correspondence from you indicating that you've decided your son is turning into a pothead, and you are making plans to have him committed to a juvi hall work camp?
posted by:
doeeyed (
reply)
post date:
12.08.06 (8:03 pm)
Like FinalyFree, I've had 5 teenagers, one is still a teenager, 18. Our last family vacation, our youngest daughter, 17 decided to stay home. Much like your son, she was a very good student, responsible and had never been in trouble.
Guess what? She had a PAR TAY, on our deck! I found cig butts, beer bottle caps, etc...
I guess nothing to awfully bad happened but, if one of those kids would have left here drunk and been in an accident...well, it wouldn't have been good.
I would insist that he go and yes, use the cute girls in bikinis as your leverage! :)
Good Luck!
Doe
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (5:59 am)
Reply to: surrogate
I know, from reading your blogs, that you have great respect for both of your children. At 26 and 28, you guys can be great friends and you can enjoy hopefully the wonderful persons they have become. I look forward to the same, one day. My son is at that most challenging time of development- mid-adolescence.
I'm not overly concerned about his trust of my friend. I am worried about asking too much of her.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:01 am)
Reply to: mimi
Very good points. Perhaps this will be our last family vacation time? It really would not hurt him to go and be with the rest of us for a few days.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:05 am)
Reply to: ruined
Ah, the dreaded heart-to-heart talk! I've had a few. My kid(s) roll eyes and hurry the conversation, and pretend it is unneccessary. Interestingly, when I was an adolescent, I never had anything even close to such a talk with my parents. I think those teenage years so frightened them that they pretended nothing significant was happening.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:11 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
That must have been quite a party. Four kids off to jail?
You remind me of an important physiological fact, almost forgotten in my old age: teenage guys aren't too good at reasoning when under the moment of temptation.
5 teenagers? I've been fantasizing about a three-week cruise to Bali and Kiribati. I know the details- cost, dates, etc. I think if I were now dealing with three teens, I'd find a job on that ship and just never come back.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:14 am)
Reply to: inkspector
The threat of taking away the car is viable, but already in use. He is not doing well with Calculus, so unless the grades get better in a hurry, the car will be taken away for a month. It's already paying dividends- he did well with the latest test.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:18 am)
Reply to: musicalhair
Alternate compensation? Interesting idea, especially when combined with the importance of family being together.
You make lots of sense. You need to hang around here much more often.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:20 am)
Reply to: LadyG
You're right. I assumed my older girls would not be going, since they are basically adults and would not be interested in hanging out with us old folks. So the offer was made to my son within that context, think perhaps my wife and I could go and enjoy this trip. Well, the daughters totally surprised me, and now it is a family trip.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:22 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
Makes sense to me. And remember this - can't remember where I heard it, but I like it, - 90 percent of what we worry about never happens and the other 10 percent isn't changed by our worrying.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:23 am)
Reply to: TheRockSays
It might work.
Let's see...maybe an unfinished e-mail to a relative, conveniently left opened on the computer. Or, maybe a phone call from a friend pretending to be manager of a Wilderness Camp for wayward teens. These measures I will remember, and if necessary use at a later time.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (6:27 am)
Reply to: doeeyed
I sense a concensus on the part of my fellow t-bloggers.
A friend and leader at my church was telling me of when he and seveal friends got together, long ago, for a party at the pastor's house. It seems the pastor and his wife left their teenage daughter at home for a few days, so she had a party. It was pretty wild, and of course the pastor learned about it.
Teens: lots of fun, but they sure age me in a hurry.
posted by:
FinalyFree (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (7:38 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
The party really got out of hand but that's normally what happens when word makes it around a small town there's a party going on!
Believe you me, there have been numerous times I've wanted to get in the car and drive--never looking back! lol But there's one thing for sure, life's never dull when you've got teens in the house. I'm pretty sure there will come a day when I will miss all the chaos :)
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (12:09 pm)
I pretty much agree with what musicalhair said. Good luck. I thank God I'm not a parent!
posted by:
doeeyed (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (1:09 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
The thing is, we can't keep them from making mistakes and if we think that well, we're kidding ourselves. Kids will be kids and they will experiment. That's life.
Now that you know what's going on though, I would say it's your resposibility as a parent to see that this particular thing doesn't happen, at least not now.
Before you know it, they'll all be up and out of the house.
Enjoy them while you can and enjoy your "family" vacation.
Doe
posted by:
musicalhair (
reply)
post date:
12.09.06 (8:32 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
Hey,
Yeah, I've been using "alternate comp" with my kids when I can't follow through on a promise I make to them, and I've been playing "let's make a deal" with them their whole lives. I think it will give them a sense of value to their efforts and to get them started on thinking how to get things they want or how to bring people in to do things. I'm not saying I don't have there chores or that they always get paid or compensated, but if I'm asking them to do something "above and beyond" (or if I can't do something I promised), I start negotiating with them. negotiating with a three year old was really funny ("If I finish my cake, then I get Ice cream" no not the cake the veggies and fish...), but negotiating with her at 9 now is sounding more like good business than parenting.
posted by:
tabootenente (
reply)
post date:
12.10.06 (10:21 am)
pastor,
tough spot. well, i don't know anything about raising children, but if my own parents are correct, there is never a right answer (even chocolate pudding: chocolate pudding was a theory i believed for eighteen years of my life. i'm not saying i don't believe in it now; i'm just admitting that it's a theory i've opened for discussion).
here's my puny brainstorm: you could let him know you know about his secrets, let him know how horribly difficult and painful it's been trying to figure out what to do. and then let him stay by himself.
it's probably a lousy idea. but at some point our parents stop making us chocolate pudding and if we want to eat it we're either going to have to make it ourselves or earn a little pudding money.
eighteen years old is an arbitrary age to declare adulthood. i mean, he's not going to be adult before then, and he won't be an adult afterward. he's seventeen now--neither kid nor adult. and i think that's how it is for a good long while.
crikey. i'm 32 and i'm clearly not an adult. i'm just trying to figure it out: making my own choice, and living with the results.
good luck, dave.
taboo
posted by:
idiotbubble (
reply)
post date:
12.11.06 (5:07 am)
Wanna know what is scarier? When a teen wanna do something, a teen doesn;t care about what his/her parents say, he/she will do it.
Yes, trust me. I know. LOL. Because I think that is what makes our lives so.... fulfilling. Just go with the flow. I am sure your son knows what he is up to. Besides, he has a good family background. He is a good student, that means he has good friends.
Maybe try asking him why he wants to stay at home and yeah, like ur wife suggest, lecture him. Maybe make him feel bad (if he is up to something).
Yeah, come on, pastor! Teenagers aren't that bad!
posted by:
laydeepulse (
reply)
post date:
12.11.06 (8:44 pm)
okay, well, i am a teenager, and this is what my parents do:
they outright tell me they know. they dont tell me how. then they would have made me go with them. i would be angry at first, BUT, the fact that they knew would make me think twice about tryng to sneak around next time.
when they tell me they know, they tell me how dissappointed they are at those decisions i seem to be making, its odd how most teens would rather their parents be mad at them then dissappointed.
just a thought
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
12.12.06 (9:56 am)
pd. i am at work, so will be brief. if it were me, i would make a point to go somewhere with my son for a burger and fries, between now and when you leave. i would go into a sort of reminiscing phase, which they all claim to hate. during the phase, i would throw in the comment, son, i know you will be tempted to have drinking bouts or pot parties, or girls over when we are gone. because i am your dad and i love you, i am simply asking you not to do that. not ordering, not forbidding, simply asking, man to man. i love you and if you feel the need to be wild, lets talk about it, but please respect yourself enough to not do it while we are out of town.
i would simply leave it at that, and go. either you and your wife have already raised a young man who will be fine, or you didn't. trust the boy.
imho
dawn
posted by:
drforbush (
reply)
post date:
12.12.06 (1:59 pm)
I was about to suggest something similar to what fractalmom wrote. I would make sure that you use the guilt trip, so when the moment of tempation arises he will need to think about it before he does anything. It could still go either way, but hopefully it would be more likely to go the right way. Forbidding or forcing him to do something that he doesn't want to do will insure that the next time the opportunity comes up it will be more likely to happen. I might throw in some extra guilt by saying something like: "Your mom and I are extremely nervious about leaving you home alone. But, I trust you and I have assured your mother that you know how to behave when you are on your own. Of course, however this time goes will determine if a next time will ever happen."
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.12.06 (5:30 pm)
Reply to: tabootenente
Your idea seems to makes sense, at the moment. Now, an hour from now I'll be considering a different approach. I'm not good with decisions!
Good question: at what age does one become an adult? I know it is not 18.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.12.06 (5:32 pm)
Reply to: idiotbubble
"Go with the flow" may be fun, but sometimes it sure is not very smart. Parents are there to put a halt to the flow stuff, sometimes.
I agree. Teens are good folk. Just a riddle to us parents.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.12.06 (5:34 pm)
Reply to: fractalmom
Heart-to-heart - my kids act as if they hate those little talks. But, not as much as I dread them. We've had the "sex" talk. We've had the "God" talk. I was hopeful those would be enough. But, nooooooooo. Here we go again!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
12.12.06 (5:36 pm)
Reply to: drforbush
Trust. I guess it's time to test it out. Good words of guidance, I think.
posted by:
drforbush (
reply)
post date:
12.12.06 (5:48 pm)
"Trust but verify." Ronald Reagan
posted by:
bjervah (
reply)
post date:
12.13.06 (8:47 am)
this is going to be tricky no matter what happens...but as a recent teen, i woudl suggest you dont force him to go with you, that will push him farther from you and make him want to rebel even more... he seems to have a good idea on life and you have to let him live it...that may require making a few mistakes but he has to make them on his own. the most i would suggest doing is have a close friend stop in once or twice, but no more then that
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
12.13.06 (7:39 pm)
so, pd, what have you decided to do? don't leave us hanging?
xoxox
posted by:
bronwynj (
reply)
post date:
01.12.07 (7:39 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
I think part of the reason your daughters decided to go on the trip with you is that you respected their independence & offered them the option. Your 17 year old son, on the other hand, is still too young & dependant to be offered the option.
So, how did it go? I'm still reading your comments so I don't know if you've said what happened, yet.
The trick with the friend dropping in on a tour of inspection, at random times and without warning, is a good one only if your son is warned before you leave that that is what is going to happen.
posted by:
bronwynj (
reply)
post date:
01.12.07 (7:52 pm)
Reply to: doeeyed
I've got to agree with doeeyed: once you know what's planned (if it's illegal &/or dangerous) it's your responsibility as a parent to prevent that from happening.
posted by:
bronwynj (
reply)
post date:
01.12.07 (8:01 pm)
Reply to: fractalmom
"either you and your wife have already raised a young man who will be fine, or you didn't"
Now perhaps that could be interpreted as a little harsh, if things ever go wrong in any way?
We do our darnedest to raise fine young humans into adulthood, however please remember that environment is only part of the package which makes up a human: genes also play a part, as also does, in my opinion, our spirit/soul/personality which we were born with.
For example, should we be shocked when our teenager plays up a little at times, when out partying, if one of his/her parents did, when he/she was a teenager?! - despite our sober God fearing lifestyle as adults, & our best efforts in raising responsible children!
