I Have Decided To Cancel Mondays
Just another day at the office….the Dentist’s Office, that is.
First the terror: I was there for a lovely Build-Up And Crown. It had been weighing upon my mind for the weekend, and the cause of a couple of nights of fitful sleep. Now, Dr. Rucker informed me with a cheerful smile there would be two of these procedures. And I have noticed that my dentist indeed has a beautiful smile. I wonder where she goes for her dental work; perhaps she uses a mirror and takes care of herself? Humming and preparing needles, she also casually mentioned the possibility of a root canal. She was informed, with panting breaths, that I have gone my entire life without one and do intend to go to my grave with the record intact. The doctor rolled her eyes and continued to prepare her hypodermics. And that is when Michelle, the assistant, piped in with her opinions. Hispanic and with a thick accent, her words were hard to follow: “...something – something – something…..men are big babies…something – something…women can bear children…something something…dentist no big deal…” She was a nice lady, but I did not ask for her insights.
The doc gave me three impressive shots. As the second was inserted into the roof of my mouth, she said with a cheery voice, “Ooh, this one is going to hurt!” She was right. Then began the drilling. Scraping. Suctioning. More drilling. I’m sure you are acquainted with the routine, although I’m equally sure my pain was worse than yours. On it went for 2 ½ hours. The good news- no root canal. The bad news- I could have bought a really nice laptop with that money.
Don’t you hate it when the dentist asks you a question, and waits for your reply? Your mouth is numb, drool dripping, and you certainly sound retarded. I think they do it just for the laughs.
I stared at the office ceiling for a long, long time. I counted tiles, light fixtures, and then pores in the tiles. I made note of flaws, and compared the luminosity of the various lights. And I thought of a great idea- these guys should make practical use of ceiling space for their customers, similar to how they now utilize the wall space in front of urinals in theatre bathrooms. You guys know what I mean. Perhaps the dentist could mount a television above the chair. Or, inspirational thoughts could be displayed on the ceiling, like “No Pain, No Gain” or “Prepare To Meet Thy God”.
I’m now back in the comfort of my own office. Mouth is still numb, and I know I sound strange on the phone. The secretary just tried to console me by telling about her ordeals with the dentist. And she said to me, “Unlike you, my procedures are even more difficult because I have a small mouth.”
Actually, Michelle and Dr. Rucker are very nice people. I would love to know them in another setting, other than that of adversary and subject of my nightmares.
01.15.07 (2:15 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (11:43 am)
One of your very best and funniest posts.
Did I mention that once we finally get you on our side, you'll be able to enjoy one of the main fringe benefits of being a liberal? We feel no fear of, nor pain at, the dentist's office. (It's a secret we keep, but since you're a candidate for clarity, I thought you should know.)
(Oh, and we lie sometimes.)
posted by:
eraserhead667 (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (12:23 pm)
It takes my dentist several tries to get me numb enough to work on, since years of both liberalism and alcoholism have made me immune to their evil tools of the trade. Join us!
posted by:
FinalyFree (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (12:30 pm)
I don't mean to add insult to injury, but I think I kind of agree with Michelle! heh It does seem that men dread the dentist (for whatever reasons) far more than women do. Not so sure it has anything to do with giving birth or not!
posted by:
raggedtiger (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (12:57 pm)
I hate dentists....i am sure they do work just so they can insure their fanct=y mercs and buy the latest laptop!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (5:36 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
Actually, today I felt little pain. However, the ever anticipation of pain, sure to come, made for an incredibly anxious time. Some would call it "cowardliness", but I think it is being incredibly sensible. It is similar to my fear of driving over bridges. A bridge could possibly collapse, or your tire could experience a blowout at exactly the moment of crossing, or an earthquake could occur and annihilate the bridge. It could happen.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (5:39 pm)
Reply to: eraserhead667
If this were to be a surefire cure for fear of all things related to dentistry, then liberalism and alcoholism would be attractive indeed.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (5:40 pm)
Reply to: FinalyFree
Yeah, you women think you are tougher, just because in reality you are. But I'll never admit it. Wait, I just did.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (5:42 pm)
Reply to: raggedtiger
But, it seems to me, some jobs just are not worth it. There are all kinds of foul mouths out there, and some rarely experience a toothbrush or mouthwash. It just doesn't seem like a job I would want to mess with. Same with proctology.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (5:56 pm)
oh, pdave...i am female but not unafraid of said procedures, so i will unabashadly offer up a great big, awwwwwwww, you poor man, sorry you had such a crummy day and hope you are feeling better! i will also add that i don't think (giggle) that your secretary meant you have a BIG mouth as in BIG mouth...just bigger than hers! and yes, i think that your ideas are great ones...perhaps they have a suggestion box in the office...LOLOLOL!!! poor guy : (
posted by:
eraserhead667 (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (6:01 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
OK, I admit it. They don't cure everything. But we do have fun. :)
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (6:43 pm)
Reply to: mimi
Thank you, mimi. The dentist - she offered no sympathy. Neither her assistant, nor my secretary. My wife? Forget it! But I can always count on my dear blogging friend from Florida. Thanks- I needed that.
posted by:
SupremeAnna (
reply)
post date:
01.15.07 (7:19 pm)
Lovely post...not a very lovely episode to post about...lol. I hated the dentist as a kid, shiver, still do. Brave you!
posted by:
seochris (
reply)
post date:
01.16.07 (3:28 am)
I love going to dentist though its a bit irritating sometimes. However I find very less time to go.
K want to know whether u r having some tooth problem??
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
01.16.07 (10:42 am)
Haha..surely the procedure was more bearable than listening to one of your sermons!
Entertaining read.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
01.16.07 (11:54 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
do you feel hugged??? : )
