Mary Winkler, Part I
It can be tough to be a minister's wife. But it can be even tougher to be her husband.
On the night of March 22, 2006, Matthew Winkler was asleep in his bed. Mary, his wife of ten years and mother of their three children, at some time during the evening took a pump-action shotgun and blasted 72 fatal holes into his back. Instead of calling 911 she ripped the phone from the wall. Then she gathered the children and drove 300 miles to the Gulf Coast, to Orange Beach, Alabama, where authorities arrested her the next day. What caused her to kill her husband was the subject of of a trial broadcast on Court TV and decided by a jury of her peers, being ten women and two men. She was determined to be guilty of a lesser offense of Voluntary Manslaughter, and will be sentenced by the Judge on May 18. She could receive up to six years in prison, but also could walk free.
I would like to spend several blogs commenting on this fantastic and sad story.
Matthew Winkler was a Church Of Christ minister. I am somewhat familiar with this denomination, since it is very strong in my area of the country. They are an ultra-conservative offshoot of American Protestantism, even more so than the Baptists with whom I identify. They do not believe in a professional clergy, and thus eschew the terms "pastor" or "preacher" because they believe such bestows too much authority. They follow a very literal and rigid interpretation of scriptures. Thus it is believed that physical, water baptism is essential for salvation. And, interestingly, musical instruments are not allowed in worship. Church of Christ believes they are the only true church, with Baptists, Catholics, and all others being apostates. Thus they do not participate in fellowship with other congregations.
So, perhaps you could imagine how difficult it could be to be a minister's wife within such a context. I've been a pastor for about twenty years, and know how challenging ;my profession can be upon family. I am so very blessed at this point in my ministry to be working with a church that treats my family with respect. My wife and my kids take their faith seriously, but they are not your prototypical "preacher's family". And I've encouraged them to pursue individuality in their connections with the church. Through the years, some churches have not appreciated it. I'm thinking that it is surely very difficult for a woman who happens to fall in love with, and marry, a man who has chosen the ministry as his profession. She is not necessarily equipped for the ministry. And she is not a co-pastor. She simply loves a man who is a pastor. Too bad most churches do not understand such. Instead, they so often have unrealistic expectation. She must dress right, and behave properly, and of course serve in all kinds of capacities within the church. Some women are able to handle these expectations well. But I am thinking that Mary Winkler is not one of those.
What is it like to be married to a minister? Mary Winkler went to a Church Of Christ College where she met her future husband. Perhaps she was thinking that such would lead to an idyllic marriage and life. Her godly husband would ever exude the fruit of the Spirit- love, kindness, etc. They would be working with wonderful Christian people. And all would be great- And then, no doubt, shortly into her marriage reality hit. Working for the church was no party. The work was hard, pay was inadequate, and church folk often cantankerous. And that "wonderful" husband proved very much to be an imperfect sinner. Some of these foibles were revealed during the trial. He could be insistant and controlling. Sometimes he proved to be a hypocrite. And he liked to have sex, sometimes in unconventional manners- imagine that. All of these things and more made her uncomfortable, and unhappy.
It is not easy to be a minister's spouse. And it sounds like her husband was a closet-jerk. Or worse. So, on a fateful evening, she took a shotgun and put an end to his ministry and her marriage. I've got a lot of faults. And sometimes I can be a jerk. My wife is quite aware of most of my faults.
I do not have a gun in my house. But, I do have pepper spray.
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Next, I want to consider what Mary Winkler did, and was it her only best option. Stay tuned.
05.12.07 (12:00 am) [
edit]
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (12:38 am)
In the mid-eighties I lived and worked in Cincinnati and became quite friendly with two brothers who were member of a C of C Church that, as it happened, was only a hundred yards or so from our home, though both of them lived quite a few miles away. I think I've posted a few times before about the wife and daughter or one of them who "lapsed" toward the end of the our time living in the area and seemed deathly afraid when we ran into them at a mall and they (gasp) were wearing denim slacks. The other brother loudly condemned his sister-in-law and neice for their wicked ways - which we found both sad and kind of scary, and, if the truth be known, kind of funny too, since he was a single guy and a car salesman with a particularly stellar reputation for bullshit. Meanwhile, poor Bob, the husband and father of these wayward freedom-seekers, wore his shame like a neon pendant, as though his down-in-the-mouth attitude was somehow the proper visage that ought be displayed to the public by one so "betrayed" by his spouse and offspring.
Almost made me want me to suggest a movie, or a dance, or at least an organ at Sunday services just to cheer the poor guy up - but I knew those things would be shot down as verbotten, which ironically, probably lead to the defections in the first place. Levis today? Spiderman 3 tomorrow! It's a damn slippery slope out there, but some folks had better get on the sled to relieve the pressure, or the idea of holding a pump action 12 guage, or whatever it was, might start looking a little too much like a key to the cell.
Pepper spray. That'll work. If you get to high and mighty she can irritate the hell out of your eyes without having to do more than simply unplugging the phone temporarilly while the capsaicin wears off, during which time she can threaten you with a second dose if you don't mend your ways. Win - win!
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (5:39 am)
sad. emotional abuse can take a toll on a person and take away their options in their eyes. I don't think she thought she had any options.
my husband was raised in the Church of Christ. it is a very strict organization, full of pitfalls. the odd thing for me is that they don't view OTHER denominations as Christian. Especially Catholics. So, his mother and father have attended NONE of their grandchildren's functions in church, such as Baptism, Confirmations or first Holy Communions. they don't recognize any of them.
very sad
posted by:
seochris (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (5:47 am)
Mathew Winkler paid the price of doing ministry and disciplining his family too much.
Lets hope Mrs Winkler learns from this and start with a new life altogether
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (6:22 am)
Reply to: seochris
I have a different wish for Ms. Winkler, and will share that in an upcoming post.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (6:33 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
A question, for me, concerns her "emotional abuse" that supposedly led to her fatal actions. AppA arently she perceived it as real. But, was her "abuse" because of his terrible actions, or because of her faulty perceptions? Was he a monster, or was she weak?
Your inlawa are "true believers". They refuse to compromise with what they truly believe to be right. To do so, to them, would be a great sin. I know a thing or two about these kinds of people. They cause a lot of hurt and have dealt me a few severe blows along the way. There is no compromise, there is no conversation. In their eyes, they are right and you are wrong. Their prayer is for God to open your eyes, before it is too late. They do not hold a lot of hope for you in the afterlife. Now I have little doubt these people love your children. And if you could give them a lie detector test, or maybe a shot of truth serum, they would probably be forced to admit they admire your genuine faith and have severe questions about some of the harsher tenets of their religion. Otherwise you will never hear those words. To say it, they are afraid, would condemn them to Hell. So you guys are left to work with and relate to the 60% of their lives and personalities left outside the claws of their religion. Good luck with that. It's probably been an interesting ride so far.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (6:46 am)
Reply to: surrogate
Days Of My Life...
I awaken because my eyes are on fire.
"Oh no. It's happened again. Ahhh..."
Somewhere in the foreground I hear the voice of my wife. But it is a strange and gutteral monotone.
"Dave. We have to talk."
"Anything! Anything! Just help me. Please."
"Dave. I told you I only want to have sex ONCE a month. And that on Tuesdays."
I could tear my eyes out. I am bumping into things, staggering around the bedroom and reaching for relief. "Anything, honey. Please get me some towels, and some Visine."
"And, Dave, yu did not vacuum the den. AGAIN!"
"No! No! ----"
SPLASH. I keel over into the floor as another stream accurately hits my face.
And so goes the private life in the home of PastorDave, in the Days Of My Life.
What do you think? Does it have a chance as a soap, or perhaps a mini-series?
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (8:55 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
"We can work on it... Morty? Try adding another wife or two... make him a Mormon... maybe get everybody little holsters for their own personal pepper spray containers... Angie? You work on the congregation characters... aHow about a circle of old bitties that cause problems every week... Maybe a theiving janitor - er' custodian... What's the new term? -never mind. Sid, I want you to figure out the best place to shoot it... Outside Atlanta won't work... I'm thinking Utah - ya know, to add to the Mormon thing... What? What do you mean it's been done?... Damn. Could he be a rabbi? That might work... His name's David anyway... Brainstorm, brainstorm - everyone back here in twenty and I want ideas. You got it?"
posted by:
doeeyed (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (3:43 pm)
Having been raised in a Pentecostal church and home and I can understand the burden of having to live up to the expectations of the church and other family memembers. I'm sure I'm real shocker some of the time, although my life would appear very normal to most people.
I'm not up on the Winkler story but, now I've got to go digging and form an opinion.
posted by:
lisa (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (5:44 pm)
thanks very much for the insight you gave me on my last post. my husband and i both appreciated your thoughts. i will again express my wish that we could find a pastor and a church like yours.
as for this story, i think you are right on the nail about a pastors wife role. the wife of the pastor who married us is not very involved in the church. she has her own job. she doesnt homeschool her kids (like most in the congergation do) she isn't there for EVERY sermon her husband preaches. she is also not very liked by most of the congergation. the rumblings and whisperings about her abound. i find her inspiring. and i am thankful he allows her to be herself too. great post. look forward to the rest.
posted by:
lenfanterrible (
reply)
post date:
05.12.07 (6:02 pm)
As usual, you can do no wrong ... The story is gripping, well written, full of surprises, affectionate, honest and perceptive.
Great post.
posted by:
mercurysoul (
reply)
post date:
05.13.07 (1:57 pm)
Nice post- I'll keep up with this one. I sure hope you are doing well PD :) <3 mercury
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.14.07 (3:05 pm)
Reply to: doeeyed
I want to say, for clarity, that being raised in a conservative Christian home does not have to be a negative. I know plenty of such people who have good and loving and healthy homes. However, fundamentalism does lend itself to legalism, which is seldom good- especially in close relationships. I'm glad you have moved to a better view of life.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.14.07 (3:09 pm)
Reply to: childish
A church is disingenious if it hires a pastor to do a job, and then has unspoken and unpronounced expectations of his wife. Of course she should realize that basic things are expected of her, and I've no problem with that. But she should be allowed to be her own person, to relate to the church in a healthy and happy way, without unfair pressure on her or her family. I, too, admire this man's wife. And he is pretty brave to face the criticism without personally abusing his family. I hope you have a way to let them know of your support. And, as you look for a good church, I'm afraid I would advise to stay away from those people.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.14.07 (3:12 pm)
Reply to: lenfanterrible
Wow. Thanks. Perhaps you have me confused with some guy who actually has some embarassing photos of you in less than favorable sitations, and will release them to the public unless you convince him otherwise?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.14.07 (3:14 pm)
Reply to: mercurysoul
Thanks. And I want to encourage you guys to head over to her site. She has some great blinkies, free for the taking. I stole one a couple of years ago, and later received her gracious permission. It adorns the bottom of this blog, and is a source of intermittent complaints from some of my thin-skinned liberal readers.
posted by:
doeeyed (
reply)
post date:
05.14.07 (3:31 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
I think I explained to you in a tmail sometime ago that I don't feel anything but GOOD about my home life as a child. I was well taken care of but, most importantly I was loved. I appreciate my "religious" background, I just don't abide by all the "rules" that are set forth by that particular brand of religion. I wear pants, cut my hair, have pierced ears, dance, play cards if I want, swim in a bathing suit (gasp)...blah blah, etc...
Those are the things that many from the church I grew up in would find SHOCKING. Not so shocking though, is it?
I have great respect for the Pentecostal belief.
posted by:
lenfanterrible (
reply)
post date:
05.14.07 (3:46 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
You really made me laugh, Pastor Dave. I love your Christian sense of humor.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
05.14.07 (5:32 pm)
Reply to: doeeyed
I do remember. As I read your blog from time to time, you come across as a person with a healthy sense of God and of self. You love your family, and especially your dear husband. And your faith shines through. So, yes, I remember. I guess my comment is really intended for the larger audience, that I perhaps fancifully imagine read my post and accompanying comments. I am conservative with my church affiliation, and think it can provide a healthy environment to raise a family and enjoy life. Some conservatives, however, miss out on the "healthy" part and practice their faith and their lifestyles in a negative way. I'm simply trying to say that when it happens, it is an aberration and not a something directly caused by a conservative church.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
05.15.07 (6:58 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
<<<
>>
very interesting thought PD. Truly, the dysfunctionality of that relationship, or at least the perception of the relationship could probably educate an entire psychology forum. that being said however, leads us to an interesting question.
who is actually the "beginner' of the emotional abuse? is it the one who portrays the role of the victim, acting out a victim type passive/agressive behavior which then pushes the control freak to lose their humanity and become more and more controlling and vicious, only to shove the victim further into the passive/agressive behavior now turning to bitterness and eventually psychosis?
having studied the 'battering syndrome' for many years i realize there are a myriad of dynamics inherent in the battering cycle.
and tho not PC, i will admit that women often play a role in the battering relationship. i know from observation over many years that many marriages are a constant battle for power between passive/agressive on one hand, and the other party is trying to retain/regain a control which they feel they either never had or lost. eventually, the (usually) woman sees no other way out except violence.
it reminds me of those commercials on tv right now. the one where they show the old woman sitting in the rocking chair and talk about how someone ALMOST came and visited her. or the homeless man who someone ALMOST fed and he ALMOST lived through the night.
all the children who are abused, and people ALMOST call child protective services, but then they don't want to get involved.
and a pastor and his wife who undoubtedly had parishoners who were aware of the situation and didn't want to get involved.
in fact, i think Jesus showed us, you CAN change the world, one person at a time.
its a shame for that family, that community and those children that no one tried
posted by: ywjr mspd (reply)
post date:
06.13.07 (12:14 pm)
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