A Lesson In Forgiveness
7 1/2 years ago I left a troublesome pastorate, to take on my current place of ministry. Last Sunday I returned to that church to be the guest speaker for Homecoming.
Homecoming is primarily a tradition of Southern Protestant congregations. It is a yearly time of gathering and celebration. All who are in any way connected with the church, past and present, are invited for the festivities. The worship time is an extended occasion involving guest musicians and various ceremonies, and usually highlighting a previous pastor as the preacher. And, afterwards will be a big dinner, involving all kinds of special delicacies especially prepared for the day.
A few years ago, this church asked me to be their featured speaker for the gathering. I thought about it, and remembered much of the difficult experience for my family and myself, and called them back to politely decline the invitation. So, I was surprised when they called me yet again. I thought I had made it plain that I was uncomfortable with the matter. Thus I prayed about it, a lot. And I called them back to accept the offer.
7 1/2 years ago I left the church, rather broken. I had tried very hard to be a good minister for them. The church moved forward in just about all categories. However there was a great uproar on the part of many of the members because I, their pastor, brought black children into their church for Vacation Bible School. These people were incredulous because I did not just invite them- I actually drove the church van to their homes, to give them a ride. Several were angry. From that point, their faces were set in unwavering opposition to my continuance as their pastor. I tried explaining and reconciling. But I did not back down, because I felt I was right.
It's amazing there are still people with this kind of attitude. But they exist in hundreds of churches scattered, I would surmise, in mostly rural areas. Here where I now live, the diversity of the communities and the fast pace of change all around, has forced the integration of the churches. It is a matter of survival. Some of us embrace it, and some simply endure it. But it is a battle that has already been fought. Not so as you move further from the major metro areas. There, many of the churches still embrace with silence but surity the philosophy of "seperate but equal". I'm not sure why the church is now the most segregated part of rural Southern society, in 2007. I could be unkind, yet probably most honest, in saying it is the last vestage of power for the redneck. However, a "redneck" ;, although poor and uneducated, can be a person of character and quality. I see neither character or quality in the labeling of a black person as being unworthy of opportunity to worship in your church. It is simply sad. And, ungodly.
Well, as you and I can see as I continue to write, I guess I have not exactly forgiven and forgotten with this matter. Still, my wife and I went down to participate in Homecoming with these folks. I was very nervous about the matter. We pulled into the parking lot, and I had difficulty getting out of the car. It was hard. But somehow I continued to feel this was the right thing for me to do.
The day went well. We renewed acquaintances and connections with many good friends. I'm not going to continue to beat-up on this church. But, the congregation and even the building seemed to have a pall over it. A darkness. And I found that to be doubly sad, for there was goodness and kindness in so many of these people. We talked, and hugged. They responded well to my preaching. I was reminded that the vast majority of these people loved me. Most likely they would have hung in with me, had I decided to stay and fight the battle. As a matter of fact, the ones most angry about how I had supposedly "dirtied" their church, are now no longer a part of this church. They did not like me. Apparently they did not like the next couple of pastors who came along. And now they have taken their unhappiness and self-righteousness to other places. Or they simply stay home and do not attend church, in what I perceive to be a last-ditch effort for attention and pity. My wife has often told me that I could have stayed. I could have won the fight. But my heart was broken. I was not wanting to fight. I left, figuring God could handle those people better than me.
I preached from Psalm 37:25, "I have been young, & now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread". I shared how this has proven true in my life. God has always been there as a source of strength. He has taught me to trust Him when life gets tough. And I have learned to trust His people, out of necessity. And I have found great comfort from both sources. It was an uplifiting and encouraging sermon. Many spoke afterwards of how the sermon served to soothe and comfort.
One man came to me afterwards to talk. I faintly remembered him as one of those who "sat on the fence" when I needed his support. I guess I can't blame him too much. He had family and friends on the other side, and he was going to stay in that community and church. In other words, as much as he might have liked me, a pastor is a temporary part of the situation while these troublesome people would be permanent. And so he watched, and hung his head, and I eventually left. Now it was 7 1/2 years later. He told me, with sincerity, that his estimation of me was now much higher because of how I've handled this day and what I shared in the sermon. I smiled and thanked him. It was a nice thing to say.
Forgiveness is not neat and easy. Sometimes it does not come quickly. And if it means forgetting, or no longer having pain with the remembrance, then I guess it is sometimes impossible. But I suspect that forgiveness is something higher and nobler. I think it means to move on. It means to wish the best even for your enemy. It is to not gloat over his misfortune. And I am pretty sure it necessitates that you take his halting, stammering, and imperfect effort to say "I'm sorry" and you simply accept it. I think that is what happened, last Sunday.
10.15.07 (9:48 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
10.15.07 (7:04 pm)
Dave, what a very difficult situation! Yet, I think I am glad you went, as you may be. Religion is one of the hardest jobs in the world, many of us want to hear about Jesus, but we as a society prefer the whitewashed (intentional play on words there, sorry) version of religion, instead of the down to earth, nitty gritty religion that Jesus founded. His gospel was for everyone, and no where have I ever found that He told us "Okay, you folks go over THERE and worship Me, and you folks go down over THERE and stay away from that first group.......
Sad, but true. We always like to think that OUR fences are necessary and good don't we? And really, they are just fences.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
10.15.07 (7:14 pm)
dave, i am proud of you...this growing up and growing older is not for wimps! my latest philosophy these days : )
xoxoxo
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
10.15.07 (7:18 pm)
Good thing you did. Personally, I have no patience for biggotry and would have been loud and and extremely unforgiving of the folks UNTIL they changed their ways, and their attitude would have been relagated to a thing of the past - at which point my forgiveness of them - unnecessary in any case, (since them forgiving themselves would have been far more important) - would have been moot.
posted by:
kurtmaddox (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (11:25 am)
What you should have done was to rent a van and bring a group of children of all races from an area children's home as your special homecoming entourage.
The sermon then could have been "Was Jesus a Racist?". Here's the texts:
All human being are created in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:26-27).
God loves the entire world (John 3:16).
Jesus laid down His life for everyone in the entire world (1 John 2:2).
The “entire world” obviously includes all ethnicities of humanity.
God does not show partiality or favoritism (Deuteronomy 10:17; Acts 10:34; Romans 2:11; Ephesians 6:9), and neither should we.
James 2:4 describes anyone who shows discrimination as “judges with evil thoughts.”
Instead, we are to “love our neighbors as ourselves” (James 2:8).
See why I didn't last long as a rural Kentucky preacher? Ha! Ha!
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (12:32 pm)
I see the battle against racism is far from over. These people all may not be totally to blame since that hatred was likely instilled in them by their parents. They must be won over one at a time.
posted by:
FinalyFree (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (12:52 pm)
I read this post last night but wasn't really ready to reply, and I'm not sure I'm ready now, the reason being I live in a place like your former church. As a matter of fact just recently I've experienced some of the same backlash for inviting the homeless into our services. It's really more than I can wrap my mind around, these people call themselves Christians, in fact they seem proud to label themselves as such, when in truth they are barely sub-human. Take the religion out of the equation completely, we're talking about people, real people just like you and me...
I still don't think I can fully express myself on this subject, so I will just continue to stare blankly at your blog and shake my head...
posted by:
Cuz (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (3:18 pm)
I really love attending a church where Jesus is the head and it welcomes those of all races. It is a pleasure to enter worship with what I think of as a little touch of heaven on earth. Though, our church is still seen by others, especially those of the same denomination, as being "too different." I prefer to think we're just stepping ahead to do as Jesus had done; oh say, about two thousand years ago.
posted by:
soulsought (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (5:23 pm)
You did right Dave. I'm struggling with a forgiveness issue too. People think they can shock you with ugly false pride. But anyone truly spiritual realizes such behavior is common, small, weak, and not demonstrative of true resistance.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (6:23 pm)
Reply to: soulsought
False pride. It comes from a person very unsure of himself. A fragile person, over compensating with anger, loudness, ugliness, etc. I guess the best response is to leave such a person alone. Don't encourage him with disagreement and fighting.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (6:25 pm)
Reply to: Cuz
I am very glad that you like your church. I am sure it has a lot of fine characteristics, and hope you continue to be blessed. I'm equally sure it is made up of imperfect people- so don't come to expect too much. And, please, keep on actively loving others including those of other skin colors. I think such truly pleases God.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (6:32 pm)
Reply to: FinalyFree
"Take the religion out of the equation completely, we're talking about people, real people just like you and me..." I believe you have made a profound statement. Religion is stifling, and deadly. It has so many rules- style, color, performance, etc.
Inviting the homeless into your services? I guess you make reference to people who do not dress all that nicely, or smell all that good, nor behave with the best of etiquette? Gosh, sounds like some of those folk Jesus hung out with.
The key, and it is very tough, is to love not only the homeless but also the self-righteous hypocrite. What complicates the matter so very much is that the self-righteous hypocrite is generally a more attractive and likeable person.
Keep loving those who are most vulnerable. Don't apologize, nor unnecessarily antagonize. Say as little in response as possible. And trust God. You may find it amazing what will transpire, God willing.
Thanks for being genuine with your faith.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (6:34 pm)
Reply to: bawdy
You're right. Instilled by parents, culture. Ignorance. Fear. Such a person is truly to be pitied, not hated.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (6:42 pm)
Reply to: kurtmaddox
It's a fine sermon. I imagine you had your bags packed, and lights off, even as you preached.
It was 7 1/2 years ago. I was not prepared for their opposition. Now, I've been familiar with blatant racism for a long time. But I've expected more, and better, from true Christians. My problem was that I let my guard down, and came to believe these were godly people. I thought we were on the same wavelength. After all, they had heard me preach all of the above points, and said "Amen" at the appropriate points of the sermons. I guess they must have thought that I did not really mean it. It was just religious talk. So when I actually brought blacks to church, it floored and infuriated them. They felt betrayed. It was alright to talk it, but how could their pastor actually do it? It was a mighty hard time for me. And it took me a solid year to find another place for ministry. Around the area, I had been branded as "unsafe", a trouble-maker. So I had to come to a metro area to find a church that wanted me.
Ah, I'm still raw about the whole ordeal. But, thanks for the sermon outline. Next Homecoming, I'll bring you along!
By the way, I do not need to go to a Children's Home to gather representatives of different nationalities. I can get them right out of my current church. It's a blessing.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (6:45 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
Forgiveness, in my understanding, does not wait for confession and contrition from the offender. And I'm not very good at practicing this level of forgiveness.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (6:47 pm)
Reply to: mimi
Not for wimps, indeed! As far as growing up, at age 50 I'm about to reach the point where I should have been 20 years ago. How about you?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (6:50 pm)
Reply to: fractalmom
Ephesians tells us that Christ has broken down those fences. In Him, we are intended to be one big family. Not easy.
I am glad that I followed through with the matter. There were, and yet remains, a lot of unresolved issues. I lost innocence with that experience. But time and God's love have brought healing.
Thanks.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
10.16.07 (8:19 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
Semantics. Pretty sure we're not expected to forgive bad behavior that continues unabated. And even if we are, I'm sure not big enough to do it, nor would I want to be.
posted by:
spook102956 (
reply)
post date:
10.18.07 (8:08 pm)
It's late and I only skimmed the first part of this blog but plan to read it all later. I just wanted to comment,though, about the racism when we visit my mother-in-law's family in S. Carolina. It always amazes (sickens) me that these people we love speak so lowly & hatefully of blacks. I just don't get it. All the relatives are not that way, but there's a few that degrading blacks is their favorite topic. I'm from Texas and you just don't hear that kind of talk around here. Some of my best friends are black and God made them too. I'll probably comment more when I read the whole thing--I have a feeling it's a very good blog.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.18.07 (8:14 pm)
Reply to: spook102956
Yep, I got a bit long-winded and rambling with this one. Usually what I write is a bit more tidy.
It disturbs me, too, how basically kind and good people can ruin their image with such an attitude toward another race. I grew up with it. When I came to know Christ, one of the first things I felt compelled to do was to set aside such prejudice. It was not allowed to co-exist inside of me. It is puzzling to me how these people can get by with such a dichotomy within.
Thanks for reading.
posted by:
eraserhead667 (
reply)
post date:
10.22.07 (4:22 pm)
It speaks well of you how you handled all this. Yeah, it is hard to forgive, and I'm not great at it myself. The fact that you recognize this in yourself, and the fact that you dealt with this particular situation in the way you did, shows far more character on your part than many I've known - and I've been around racism my whole life. So good for you!
posted by:
inkspector (
reply)
post date:
10.28.07 (8:08 pm)
I am glad you went despite some of your apprehensions and resignations.
Sometimes you just have to face it and walk away. You went back mostly for the people who you knew and cared about. That was a good thing.
I am sure both you and they all felt a bit more blessed with a small reunion.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.29.07 (7:10 am)
Reply to: eraserhead667
It is surprising, disturbing, how racism can creep into our lives. It has a whole lot to do with the people we hang out with. When we get to liking someone, and enjoying that person, we find it easy to overlook and even accept some of his/her very wrong matters of behaviour. That may be good in many ways. But when we begin to adopt some of the same things, then we need to step back and re-evaluate. Not easy.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
10.29.07 (7:11 am)
Reply to: inkspector
Walking away. Not easy. But, very good advice.
