Coffin Nails
Let me tell you about Debra. She resides in the rehab unit of a nearby Nursing Home, having been there for over a month. She smokes. She is bloated from steroid injections, and is attached to an oxygen tank, which will be a constant presence for the rest of her life. Debra cannot do exercises, walk down the hallway, or carry on a very long conversation. She would like to go home with her husband, or take care of her invalid mother. Looks like it is not going to happen, anytime soon.
She learned to smoke as a kid. "It was just part of the culture", she tell me.
Debra has been a heavy smoker for the 7 years that I have known her. When I first met her, she impressed me as an attractive lady with a strange, raspy voice. At the time I thought it an endearing trademark. Now I know it was the result of a 3-pack-a-day cigarette habit. She was slim and trim, with a beautiful smile, and seemed to have a busy life amidst family and friends. She still has a pretty smile.
Since I have known her, she has been hospitalized repeatedly for respiratory complications directly related to smoking. Treatments have included patches, shots, 12-step-programs, and pleas and tears from her physician. She's had several broken bones, which I have learned is a result of smoking.
Officially, I do not guess I am her pastor. At least she has never attended my church. She tells others I'm her pastor, and tells them I pray a "sweet prayer". It seems I'm the closest thing she has to a pastor. So I visit, we pray, and we talk. She says this time she has truly quit. It's final. No more cigarettes. I'd like to believe her, although I've heard those same words many time before.
Her husband smokes. He's a professional, a smart guy, who has watched his wife lose her youth, dignity, and pretty much her life. If you ask me, for a smart guy he is pretty stupid. She has a sister whom she absolutely adores. A few years ago, this sister lost a husband to lung cancer directly the result of smoking. Now this sister has a sibling seemingly headed in the same deadly direction. And, this sister smokes. So, when and if my friend Debra leaves the rehab facility, she will return home with oxygen tank in tow and try not to smoke. She will watch her husband light up, and her sister puff in rapid succession, and probably she does not have a chance.
Most likely, I will do her funeral. Her husband will be broken. And knowing her sister, she will be almost hysterical with grief. As I think about it, at that time I would like to look both of them in the eye, and say "You're d______ fools.". Of course I cannot do that. Instead, I'll seek to comfort the grieving and offer words of hope. We will say a prayer. Then, family and friends will proceed to our cars for the procession to the graveside.
We'll be delayed, as husband and dear sister step out back for a quick smoke.
11.23.07 (10:11 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
auntconi (
reply)
post date:
11.23.07 (8:29 pm)
See, I do not know how you can "comfort their grief and offer words of hope" ~ but I am sure you will.
I admire you to be able to do that. Knowing full well all that has/is going on in that woman's life.
~ as you stated ... "Instead, I'll seek to comfort the grieving and offer words of hope. We will say a prayer. Then, family and friends will proceed to our cars for the procession to the graveside.
We'll be delayed, as husband and dear sister step out back for a quick smoke. ..."
As you 'see the handwriting on the wall' ~ ugh!
*I am so thankful that was never a part of my life!
posted by:
LadyG (
reply)
post date:
11.24.07 (1:14 am)
Some people never learn or else they don't have to strength to stop, very sad.
posted by:
mercurysoul (
reply)
post date:
11.24.07 (11:27 am)
Ouch!
As someone that has struggled with smoking for 15 years. I understand. Non-smokers have NO CLUE what it is like battling a nicotine habit. I have done a lot of hard things in my life. Quitting smoking is by far the hardest. I have heard heroin, cocaine and other drug users say that it was easier to quit the hard drugs than it was to quit smoking!
I dont think it's fair to judge Debra so quickly for being sad, arrogant or a damn fool.
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
11.24.07 (12:40 pm)
I can't believe all the people that begin smoking these days given all the warnings the older generation didn't have. I think some people who can't quit lack willpower though.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
11.25.07 (7:41 am)
um. its not willpower. trust me. it's something much deeper and much more insidious.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (5:39 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
Insidious is definitely the right word.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (7:08 am)
Reply to: auntconi
The implication is that a funeral address is strictly a time to offer comfort and hope. If a minister, or anyone else, intends to confront a moral challenge- he/she needs to do so long before. It seems cowardly, and mean, after-the-fact. At this time I have pity for this woman. I feel anger toward her family not doing all they can to give her support & help.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (7:11 am)
Reply to: LadyG
I believe we have sufficient strength, from God, to overcome any obstacle. I have higher expectations for those who claim to be followers of Christ than those who do not. Yet, I know very well the foibles of being human. Our problem, most often, is not with the knowledge of right from wrong- but the courage and strength to do what we know to be right.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (7:19 am)
Reply to: mercurysoul
It's got to be awfully hard even as your physician and family are urging you to quit. Add to that your conscience. However, when you are lying in a hospital bed as the direct result of smoking, surely you can find somewhere from within or without the resolve to quit? I remember, several years ago, a lady hospitalized because of smoking. I went to visit her, and found her in the bathroom puffing on a cigarette.
For Debra, I feel pity. I feel so sorry that she has shortened the length and quality of her life. I feel sorry that she has such an ingnorant, non-supportive family. Now, for her family, I feel anger. There is something sinister about watching your wife/sister die of smoking-related illness, and yet refusing to quit smoking yourself. Everytime she knows you have lighted a cigarette, everytime she smells smoke from your clothing and hair, everytime she sees your pack or lighter on the table- you have sinned against this woman you purport to love. If there is a judgment, then surely one will face its severity for such lack of love.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (7:24 am)
Reply to: bawdy
Years ago, some were even convinced that smoking was healthy. The tobacco companies were in no hurry to communicate the truth about their products. But, it seems to me, the dangers of smoking would be rather evident. All you have to do is view the results on most who indulge for several years. Look at the wrinkled skin. Smell the rancid breath. Listen to the gasping for breath. Visit the graves. I do not see how one would be able to win a judgment against a tobacco company these days. To smoke is a matter of personal choice. Not a very smart choice, but one for which you can blame no one else.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (7:30 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
You can accomplish a lot with willpower. I asked Debra why she did not quit smoking years ago. Surely friends, family, and preachers had encouraged her to do so? She said yes, but she never felt even the slightest desire to quit. The words of others seemed of little importance.
I think...evil, within the human heart, will not be overcome with education, lecture, reason, or knowledge. True, whether we are talking about smoking or matters even more grave and damaging. Recently I was reading about an addiction recover program that touted an approach that was not 12-step-related. They seek to help others to overcome addiction with a spiritual element to the treatment process. I'd be interested in their success rate. I'm pretty sure it is dismal.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (7:33 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
Correction:
"They seek to help others to overcome addiction WITHOUT a spiritual element to the treatment process. I'd be interested in their success rate. I'm pretty sure it is dismal." (MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE WITH THE INTENTIONS OF WHAT I AM SAYING!)
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (8:19 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
as you know, i too am struggling at this time with smoking, and needing to quit.
the other weird thing is i am also struggling with um..not faith. apathy mostly.
i have reached that point at which i know with certainty that i am not doing what i believe in my heart that God intends me to do.
i have a theory, which i can prove within my own life and experience, that when i am doing what God wishes me to do, my life goes along swimmingly, no problems, no crises, no stress, no worry.
on the other hand, when i am NOT doing as God wishes in my life, everything that could go wrong, will.
and strangely enough, i know that there are several things in my life right now that God wishes me to do.
one, is to forgive my daughter. i am having much trouble with this one. i even tell my self that i have forgiven her, but i haven't. nor have i forgotten. because i live daily with the fallout from her bad decisions. and they hurt my other family.
the other is to quit smoking. which i am working on as well.
i have tried literally everything on the market and a few not on the market.
the most success was when i cut down from two packs a day to under a half pack a day and then quit cold turkey. the last time i did it, there was much stress involved in my life, i.e. the thingys they found in my lung and all that, moving
so right now, i am in process of cutting down. by wednesday morning i should be at the point of stopping. pray.
my mother died from smoking related issues. i left the hospital and lit up a cigarette. that is bizarre in the highest form.
i try to imagine my smoking withdraws in proportion to the Passion. it doesn't help.
i feel distanced from God because i have distanced myself from God.
i don't know why, but i do know i have. i think i am hiding which doesn't work, but being human, i am stupid.
smoking is one of the things in life that make no sense whatsoever.
my life has deteriorated to the point where if i do not start doing what He intends, it will all fall apart.
posted by:
auntconi (
reply)
post date:
11.26.07 (12:30 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
I worked as a church secretary for several years. Do not let anyone tell you that your job is easy ~ I applaud you sir!
posted by:
ggirl (
reply)
post date:
11.27.07 (12:41 pm)
I stopped smoking when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Seemed a little silly to keep smoking and endure cancer treatment at the same time. I quit several times before I finally quit. This is not uncommon with any kind of addiction. For those who are still struggling, keep trying. Sooner or later, you'll be able to do it.
I think you're right about Debra's family. It's wrong for them to continue to smoke when she's in such frail health because of it. On the other hand, they're addicts, too. That's how it goes with addiction.
I don't think they can continue to light up around her, though. Oxygen + fire of any kind = explosion.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.28.07 (7:05 am)
Reply to: auntconi
A good secretary makes the job a lot easier.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.28.07 (7:11 am)
Reply to: ggirl
Good advice with most matters that require great personal discipline- keep trying, sooner or later you will succeed. I heard, somewhere, that most people who diet to lose weight fail at least 7 times before finding success. You can triple that figure for me.
I'm sure it is an addiction. Physically. Psychologically. Socially. We Americans certainly have our addictions- food, television, more food, smoking, the demand of the immediate. We are not good with the hard work and discipline associated with delayed gratification. Of course, short of a lung transplant or stomach surgery, these matters do not offer immediate results.
I've more compassion for Debra than it sounds. Her family, I admit, irk me a lot.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
11.28.07 (7:19 am)
Reply to: fractalmom
I can relate with you on so many levels. I have discovered, thankfully, that most often God loves me a lot more than I love myself. And, is more patient in that love. Most often when my life is not going swimmingly, God does not have a direct hand in the matter. It's of my own silly doing, and He continues to shout to me that He loves me. I'm just not listening.
I wish for you success with your battle with smoking, and offer compassion. It must be very difficult, although I still cannot fathom walking from the bedside of someone dying from smoking, to light up another cigarette. I guess, with your very honest confession, you illustrate just how addictive and sinister is the habit. At that point, I think, it becomes a spiritual struggle. Surely God would be on your side with your desire to quit. Surely prayer, faith, and church would play a major part in successfully overcoming. I wish you the best. Thanks very much for your inspiring honesty.
I'm thinking, you just may be the only person on this earth at this time who can love your daughter? Keep working on this one. It's probably more difficult than to quit smoking.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
11.28.07 (4:56 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
LOL i didn't mean to give the impression that God is taking a direct hand (although I won't rule that out either) just that it does seem that when you are going well with God, all is going well with you, so to speak. i dont' claim to realize why this happens, i just know for a fact that it does, at least in my life.
its a way of letting me know i am screwing up i think.
