My More Realistic Christmas Gift List
My kids have asked for a list of possible Christmas gifts. Quickly I scrawled out the usual: tie, wallet, car wash certificates, pen, shirt, etc. But, you know what, I’ve turned 50! So, here is a revised, more realistic list of things for kids to get parents who have reached such an advanced age. Feel free to use.
(1) Incontinency Pads - Not needed yet, but the supermarket aisle includes a large offering, so obviously they will be a necessary item. For a special touch, add a box of Ex Lax.
(2) Ear and Nose Hair Remover – This is highly irritating, how hair stops growing on the head and starts growing out the ears. Whoever invented this device (Ronco?) is a genius. Particularly this is needed for the all-too-frequent elder with the single, very long hair emerging in a perpendicular fashion from the nostril. Kids, you know who this would be.
(3) Rogaine – It’s a good product
(4) Apology Cards – Hallmark, 100-pack, assorted. We get older, we become much more outspoken, demanding, irritating. Insulting. We don’t care- we’re old. However, we do require the servitude of those younger. Thus, such cards have a manipulative purpose.
(5) Dr. Scholls Variety Pack – corn pads, bunion pads, heavy-gage toenail clippers. Some toenails will require heavy gage, metal cutting shears. They can be found at any geriatric supply store.
(6) Breath Spray – I’ll now develop the habit of conversing with others face-to-face, no more than two inches away, aiming my breath directly into the nose and eyes.
(7) Faux Hearing Aid – I will pretend not to hear. It will be a ploy, for should you say anything that could even remotely be twisted to imply personal insult, I will find reason to sulk for months and hint to cut you from the will. This will prove a highly useful tool of manipulation.
(8) Envelopes and Safety Pins – Who needs a bank? Just utilize these items, and put your money under your mattress, attached to various articles of clothing in the closet, and jars buried in the back yard. The latter requires no safety pins.
(9) Gift Certificate for Hardees – I guess I will start hanging out with my comrades, taking full advantage of the free refills of coffee and 99 cent biscuits (discounted 10% with my Sr. Citizen Discount Card). We will solve all the problems of the world, and perfect a discomforting stare toward every customer under the age of 30.
(10) Lawrence Welk Music – Now I like him, especially his polka music. If CDs are not available, then LPs will do. Of course CDs are not available. 8-tracks? A video of him dancing with the ladies would be a real treat.
