The Crippler
With deep sadness, he goes about the systematic process of destroying another person.
With great hurt, she withdraws support and participation at the most critical time, allowing the project to implode.
She possesses a heightened sense of justice. Most often she is deeply religious. Yet the world and others are judged through the prism of self. And it is a harsh judgment, with exacting vengeance.
Forgiveness and selflessness are feigned, but non-existing.
He hurts others. Deeply. It is a pattern of life, never acknowledged, and cleverly cloaked in righteousness and justice and lots of other Messianic terms.
He, and she, are cripplers.
They are in all walks of life.
Too many are in the church.
It is wonderful when you recognize you have a problem, and seek help. That is what the church is for. That is what God is for.
Many, however, do not recognize it. They go through life perhaps a bit puzzled why they have few healthy social connections, wondering why they seem to be a magnet for the hurts and mistreatment from others, never truly realizing it is they who have the biggest problem, not others. If this person is lucky (or, as we say in the church, “blessed”), he or she somewhere along the way will connect with a significant other who truly loves him. Perhaps this partner is crystal clear about the deep imperfections, and works hard to move him toward better health.
Too many times, though, the loving partner becomes a facilitator and enabler, instead of helper. He cannot bring himself to admit that the person, with whom he is most intimately connected, has a great flaw. Instead he learns to make excuses. And he soothes, comforts, and justifies when the inevitable backlash of hurt comes along. Inevitably the emotional and social cripple will generate backlash and injury. And the inflictor in his warped mind actually understands himself to be the victim. And so he will go through life hurting others, deeply unhappy, and all along the one who could help him the most instead naively promotes the condition.
I see this played out in marriages. Perhaps the wife is a manipulative and hurtful person, by pattern of behavior. Or, maybe the husband has the repeated habit of handling perceived flaws of others in a totally inappropriate manner. He attacks and injures. I see these people. I recognize the harm they inflict upon others. And I wonder why their mates or parents or children allow it to continue? Surely they know. And if they do not know, it is an ignorance of choice. Yet as a minister I tread upon dangerous ground if I dare to confront the perpetrator. Most often he will not recognize what he has done. Sometimes, I look into the eye of the facilitator, and realize that she knows. She knows. But too much has transpired, too many times the matter has played out, too much is at stake to be honest. Instead, I am likely to become the object of wrath. There sits the quiet, facilitating partner. And when push comes to shove, he or she will play it safe. Honesty and change come at great cost. Better another excuse, another justification, another inflicted injury upon an expendable person.
Such crippled and dangerous people are all around. They are a source of great misery in the workplace. And they are in the church. Since it actually requires great intelligence, competency, and creativity to continue to fool self in such a way, often these people are able to elevate selves into places of influence and power. Then they become most dangerous. They can inflict even greater harm upon others. I do not think they are necessarily evil, at least in no greater proportion than the general population. But they inflict great harm, and they do the work of evil.
At this point in life I’ve come to fear these persons. As I have written, they are quite accomplished, and connected with enablers. When threatened, the crippler will show his fangs and bite deeply. And then the enabler will finish driving in the nails. I avoid the Crippler. It involves a spiritual battle, and I am no match.
01.10.08 (4:42 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
01.10.08 (3:15 pm)
AMEN! and Wow!!! Powerful observation and exact!
xoxox
posted by:
auntconi (
reply)
post date:
01.10.08 (5:53 pm)
I ditto mimi's comment!!!
posted by:
LadyG (
reply)
post date:
01.10.08 (11:07 pm)
I recognize some of these people in my churh PD.
posted by:
scubadiva (
reply)
post date:
01.11.08 (7:24 am)
Isn't it odd how the people we should know best - sometimes we don't really know them at all?
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
01.11.08 (12:04 pm)
So is George Bush merely a victim, and that meanie, Dick Cheney, the enabler? heh
Well written post. Sad that people will exploit weaknesses and keep people under their thumbs.
posted by:
SPOOK102956 (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (3:35 pm)
I'm not real sure exactly what you're talking about, but I have an idea. Hate to admit it, but in one very small church we attended in a much smaller town than we live in now, there was one family that did such awful things to the preacher in the name of Christianity. This is the truth: this pastor was killed in a car wreck and when a lady from our church called me and said, "Our pastor has been killed," my first thought was, "The Blanks (made up name for this awful family who terrorized the preacher) have killed him!" I'm not proud to say that I was a part of that church, but other than that one family, that church had WONDERFUL people. But I had never and have never since seen such things done in the name of Christianity. Real eye-opener! I hope I don't turn people off from any church with this input, but I look back at that, it's been about 14 yrs now and still can't believe it.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (4:00 pm)
Reply to: SPOOK102956
What I refer to are people in this life who, for whatever convoluted reasons, see it as a personal mission to hurt and destroy others. If these people were at least honest about their evil and their intent, then I could at least understand them. But they are not. They hide their viciousness in religion. And they choose to convince themselves they are doing good with their work.
These people are in the church. But they are also in other venues: family, workplace, neighborhood, club, organization, school, etc.
Concerning this family you mention: What a sad story. The saddest, to me, is that the people of the church tolerated such evil. I guess they were afraid of confrontation. I guess they knew that the pastor was expendible. Maybe, deep within, they were not as wonderful as you were led to believe?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (4:04 pm)
Reply to: bawdy
I thinnk there are politicians who are cripplers. This would be a person with no real convictions, instead quite willing to proclaim and do whatever necessary to be elected. And, the evil would be present when this person would be willing to destroy anyone who gets in his way. Such can easily be justified. I recall the story of Saddam Hussein, when first coming to power. In political assembly, he called before the group his political enemies, and systematically had them executed even as he cried and lamented. Good grief!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (4:05 pm)
Reply to: scubadiva
Indeed, sometimes this is true. That's why, to me, I choose carefully the use of the word "friend".
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (4:07 pm)
Reply to: LadyG
We are all, I think, a mixture of good and bad. There is even some evil in everyone of us. Most of us are willing to work on it. Not the crippler. He/she would never be so honest and good. After all, he/she is not the one with the problem, this person would reason as he would sharpen his knife.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (4:11 pm)
Reply to: mimi
Thanbk you. The writing is not all that exact with this piece- it's a bit hurried, but it deals with a struggle I am facing at the moment. This struggle comes along periodically, I would think, for most ministers. Indeed, using biblical analogy- the church contains sheep and goats, wheat and tares. I get very frustrated with the power of such people in the church. They prey upon the kindness, forgiveness, and hope of good people. It takes a good bit of prayer and wisdom to deal with such people.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (4:11 pm)
Reply to: auntconi
Thanks! Hope all is well with you.
posted by:
Robin (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (8:26 pm)
You really are a very good writer. I enjoy reading your posts.
My neighbor is this person. I have lived with the horror of it for 4 years. She has 5 kids 5 and under and a horrible husband who doesn’t really provide for them. They are deeply in debt. After a year or so of relative friendliness, where she tried a lot to get me to help her more than I was able to, she turned on me and attempted to make out that my failure to "act as a true Christian" by helping her raise her children and pay their bills was at the root of all of her problems. It’s a clear cut case of projection and denial. The sad thing is that I had helped her quite a bit, invested a lot of time and care and food in helping them, but it was never enough. The entire neighborhood knows she is a looneytoon and avoid her, but they don't have to live next to her, I do. You are right about the vengeance. Over the years, she has done many evil things in secret to retaliate for imagined slights and problems. At times I have questioned the Lord as to why he allows this and does not protect me from it.
I was really in a quandry as I had no idea what I had supposedly done wrong. Then I read a book called The Psychopath Next Door. Literally. I mean she was on every page from the first to the last. You should read it, you will gain important insights on many levels. You are right to be afraid of them. They will never ever get it as they are consciousless, defective. And they will continue to hurt others with no ryhym or reason until the day they die.
The last time she attacked me, instead of getting scared, I just starting praying out loud, "Lord, I bind this spirit of harassment, and I rebuke these lying lips in the name of Jesus Christ." I was surprised myself, it must just have been the spirit of the Lord rising up within me and standing against this. Her husband finally came and got her and took her home.
I used to try to be civil to her, but now I just completely ignore her. You can't logically deal with a psychopath. I know the Lord is in control and will make it right in the end.
posted by:
Robin (
reply)
post date:
01.12.08 (9:30 pm)
I went to the library website and looked it up, the book is actually:
The sociopath next door : the ruthless versus the rest of us / by Martha Stout.
As I said, you should read it, it will give you a lot of insite.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
01.13.08 (7:04 am)
i think i probably have some of those tendencies in me. hmmmm. i called it bitterness, but the shoe seems to fit. i am on my way to Mass, and so will pray about it alot. and then continue to pray about it alot. and then try to work on it. dang. PD why do you have to be so darn acute????
posted by:
scubadiva (
reply)
post date:
01.14.08 (5:18 am)
I learned when I was in college that there needs to be a word in between 'friend' and 'acquaintance'.
posted by:
Robin (
reply)
post date:
01.21.08 (12:47 am)
Scubadiva, there is, it is called an associate.
