SHOULD I DIVORCE MY HUSBAND?

It was a blunt question. And I appreciate that those who know me as pastor can be so honest in seeking help. I replied that, goodness, it is a tough question and one I cannot answer with a brief conversation in the hallway. I shared a few broad insights: there are biblical guidelines for acceptable divorce, the Bible tells us “God hates divorce”, marriage is intended as a serious covenant that includes God and becomes even more serious when children are involved. Most importantly, we made an appointment to sit down and talk about the matter.

We were standing in the foyer of the church. I asked my fellow church member to look around at the dozen or so people who were still milling around in the sanctuary. I pointed out that many of these, who are vibrant Christians and church leaders, have been divorced. And I mentioned Larry, a man who has visited our church several times, and is a member of a fundamentalist church down the road. Larry entered into a quick and, by hindsight, unwise marriage. It ended in divorce, and knowing a little about the situation, most likely it was a necessary termination. His church frowns greatly upon divorce. Apparently it is incredulously considered by them to be one of the “dirtier” sins. He has been forced to resign all of his church leadership positions, basically relegated to second-class status. I think our church could treat him better.

I think divorce is, ultimately, a decision for the ones who are directly involved. I guess you could say I am Pro-Choice when it comes to divorce.
*I do not live with those people.
*I do not know the turmoil, pain, and injury involved.
*I do not know how hard they have worked in trying to enable their relationship to survive.
*I do not know the ultimate injury to be inflicted upon children by staying together as opposed to divorce.
*I do not know how deeply the parties have sought God’s guidance as they have moved to this point.
When I am given the opportunity as pastor, minister, and friend to walk alongside the parties involved, perhaps then I can be more clear in my judgment of the propriety of the final decision. However, most likely I will not.

Too many people divorce. Why? There are all kinds of reasons.
*They marry when too young and immature. I am generally opposed to entering into marriage before one is in his mid-twenties.
*They marry before truly knowing the other person. I believe “shacking up” is injurious to the personal relationship and the institution of marriage, but I do believe in the value of a long engagement.
*They marry with a poor respect for the meaning of marriage. I believe it is a sacred connection, an intended lifetime union between two mature persons who know one another thoroughly, are absolutely in love, and invariably committed to make it work.
*They marry without a serious and mutual spiritual agreement inherent to the relationship. When two persons have in common an active and ongoing love for God, and both allow the love of God to be inherent to the fiber of the marriage, then it is highly likely the marriage will work well.
*They allow serious challenges to become reasons for divorce instead of reasons to work harder. Through the years it is not easy. Emotions come and go. Personalities clash. Over the course of a decade or two, most likely we all will do something qualifying as extremely stupid and by strict definition grounds for divorce. However, sometimes they can be worked through. A marriage of any worth deserves at least the effort.

Some reasons for divorce I understand very much, even sometimes advise.
*Multiple incidents of adultery evidence a basic lack of respect.
*I have no tolerance for physical abuse of any kind.
*Emotional abuse is often an excuse, and I believe sometimes invented in the mind of the accuser. However, there are persons who are controlling, manipulative, cold, and even evil in their treatment of someone they are supposed to love with all their heart. If this is ongoing, it seems to be a cruel and unnecessary fate for anyone. And when this is toward children, it is absolutely reprehensible.

If you know someone who is going through a divorce, he may or may not be at fault. Perhaps the divorce is the combination of the fault of all parties involved? I can assure you this is likely someone who is hurting deeply. If you are close enough to the situation, there is the miniscule possibility you have earned the right to interject your opinions about the matter. Likely you have not. God has- but you are not God! Love the persons. Be a friend. Pray. By all means, reserve righteous opinion and the pharisaic tendency to inflict punishment. This is a human being of whom we speak, going through probably the most painful time of his life. Love. Just love.

02.14.08 (11:16 am)   [edit]


posted by: OldSchool (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (9:10 am)

Hi Dave, I really agree with much of your viewpoint on this subject except for one thing, the "shacking up" part.
I do not believe you can truly know someone until you live with them 24 hours a day for a little while. This is true, in my opinion, no matter the length of engagement or age of people involved.
I would say that most of the couples I know who lived together prior to being married have had more successful marriages than those who did not. I would also say that I know several couples who broke off an engagement after living together for a while and this might be even a better result. It could prevent a later divorce. Whether it is "right" or "wrong" that is not what I am saying, but the numbers don't lie. This is just my actual experience with that particular aspect, so I thought I would share.
On much of the rest, I could not agree with you more.



posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (9:36 am)

Reply to: OldSchool
I think it would be an interesting and lively conversation, and if enough want to discuss, then I am willing to have this discussion. I've my opinions, and they differ a good bit from what you have shared. But, I believe the best to be sexual abstinence before marriage as well as fidelity within marriage. Very different, I know, from the rest of the world. However, the secular world does not seem to be doing too good with marriage these days. Maybe we should adopt a standard different from our very permissive society?


posted by: intricategirl (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (9:43 am)

I agree with Oldschool, but I'll put that aside, because it's not what I really wanted to say.

When I got married, we did not vow that we will be married forever. Instead, we promised to stay together "as long as love shall last." I have had friends tell me how "stupid" they think that is. After all, what if I don't love him next year? I feel sorry for them that they do not understand love. I don't wake up every morning, roll over, and think, "Check. Still in love with him" as if when I'm the least bit unhappy I'm supposed to run to the lawyer's office. I have to constantly examine my relationship, see what I'm missing, and also see what I'm lacking. Maybe I've been cranky or uptight lately. That's not conducive to love, and is something I would need to work on.

So maybe it is stupid. Maybe it's not an "acceptable" way to go about it. I don't care. I've taken the time to define the word love. I can say what I love about my husband without resorting to qualities that will change over time. I think I realized just in writing this comment that I will NEVER not love him. It's impossible. If I ever left him, I'd seek out someone just like him, so what's the point?! lol


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (9:46 am)

Reply to: intricategirl
"I think I realized just in writing this comment that I will NEVER not love him. It's impossible. If I ever left him, I'd seek out someone just like him, so what's the point?" Wow, now that will put a tear in the eye! Write that on a valentine, and I assure you that your guy will appreciate it.


posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (10:49 am)

Men and women should just stay the hell away from each other!


posted by: inkspector (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (11:21 am)

Another reason for divorce which you overlooked --any addiction: alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex/porn, overspending/credit card/money abuse, gaming, etc. Those addictions are self absorbed/self centered addictions and the spouse and children are neglected, possibly abandoned.

Otherwise, I agree with your statements.



posted by: inkspector (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (1:52 pm)

Reply to: breakouttheglass
Your post reminded me of this:
Bette Davis said on The Phil Donohue Show in the 80's that if you think it is over, it is over and the end, no going back because there is no reason to.



posted by: intricategirl (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (2:09 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave

Nah. He'd probably just respond that I don't want to have to train a new guy. ROFL!


posted by: emerging (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (3:21 pm)

Wow, that's quite a post for Valentine's Day! Coincidence, or intentional?

I'm not a big fan of divorce, even though I really believe it's the right thing to do in my situation. It certainly hasn't been easy on the kids. I wish I could take that on for myself, but I know they're tough and they'll make it through. I also know that the last thing my marriage was is "Godly" and that's a dreadful example to set for children, who tend to emulate their parents, whether any of us like it or not. I'm hoping I'll be able to do better for them (and for me) in the future!

You're a brave man (and Pastor) for expressing your views. I heard plenty from other ministers about staying together for the kids and how God hates divorce. The way I understand it, God hates sin. Last I checked, the Bible didn't have sins ranked in order of popularity or depravity the way Billboard ranks the songs. Does God hate divorce more than He hates infidelity?

I've learned that there's more ways to break your wedding vows than to sleep with someone else. I remember something in my vows about loving, honoring, and cherishing one another - something my husband and I both failed at long before adultery was introduced into the equation. That might have been avoided if we'd lived up to the basic promises in the covenant we made. I can't change the past, though. Only express my sorrow to the people I've hurt and do better now that I know better.


posted by: cuz (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (3:46 pm)

Thank God that He forgives sins and that he sees sins on a level field. Of course there comes the element of repentance...to receive that forgivness.



posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (5:16 pm)

All these thoughtful comments... really nice. I just know that my divorce had to be all my wife's fault - ya know, seeing as I'm perfect and all.

For sure I'd never marry a woman I haven't lived with. I know too many couples who just plain weren't compatible that didn't find it out till too late.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (6:34 pm)

Reply to: surrogate
Just interested, and I know it's a private subject, but would this premarital cohabitation necessitate a trial sexual relationship also? Would you have to know that you are sexually compatible?


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (6:43 pm)

Reply to: cuz
I do believe when a relationship reaches the point of irreconcilability, that somewhere along the way there was sin. When divorce happens, somewhere sin reared its ugly head. So often, the divorce is the best choice, given the events that had led to that point.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (6:47 pm)

Reply to: emerging
Yep. Sometimes, we just cannot change the past. Sometimes we can overcome the past, and I believe in trying. We can become wiser, and more humble. And we need not repeat the past. I sure wish you the very best.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (6:55 pm)

Reply to: breakouttheglass
You've touched on something interesting, to me. We talk a lot about the need for compatibility and romance for marriage to work. But I understand, in human history, those are relatively new requirements. And, in many cultures even today, marriages are arranged. Then, the couple work to become compatible and in love. So I think two people, even very different people, can have a good marriage when they work very hard on the relationship.

Now, here's what you have written:
"...i think if anybody is considering divorce.. even for a split second, they just ought to go through with it.. because that feeling comes from somewhere... whether you 'bury' it again or whatever.. it's still there. make yourself happy before you worry about what other people think." Just because you consider it, doesn't not mean it is wise or good to do it. I have a neighbor whom I sometimes would like to kill, especially when his dog is barking at 3 in the morning. And sometimes I would like to forsake it all, and take a one-way boat to Tahiti and never be seen again. And, sometimes, I've thought I'd like to be single. What married person has not had the thought cross his/her mind? Yet marriage is good for me. And I've somehow become connected with the one who is very much my soulmate. So I have to disagree with the policy, "If you think it, then do it"!


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (6:58 pm)

Reply to: inkspector
I agree. I know a lady who, somehow, manages to marry drunks. Three of them, and three divorces. The last two, she says, pretended to be abstainers from alcohol. A drunk is a pitiful person, and one is a fool to marry anyone who is an active abuser of alcohol or drugs.


posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (6:59 pm)

Reply to: bawdy
Do you practice what you preach?


posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 02.14.08 (7:11 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave

I think it should. The ONLY exception might be if BOTH parties have been chaste since birth. And, sorry Dave, that's just not all that common, especially, if, as you say - and I agree - that folks should try to put off marriage till their mid-twenties. It's easy to say "should" and "best" but to my way of thinking, it's not helpful to the vast majority of people who, like it or not, have tinkered with sex as their bodies insist is, if not the right thing to do, then at least the necessary thing to do, throughout adolescence and young adulthood. In fact, by and large, you show me a twenty-five year-old virgin, and I'll show you someone likely to be just as screwed up as a sex addict who goes at it randomly with as many partners as they can find. It's simply the flip-side of the same coin - whether or not it stems from their religious views.



posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 02.15.08 (12:08 pm)

Reply to: PastorDave

As far as romance goes, yes. I just don't have the energy or time to invest in another relationship, especially after the disappointment of the last one. I did everything right, yet it wasn't enough.



posted by: auntconi (reply)
post date: 02.16.08 (5:43 pm)

Wow ~ this was one powerful post ~ good job!


posted by: undergrace (reply)
post date: 03.02.08 (1:37 am)

I agree. And more power to you Pastor Dave.

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