The Smallest Man I Know
I know a man who is an abuser. He is a stupid man.
He is really very good at what he does. He runs a successful business and lives in a fine house. Most who meet him think he is a personable and nice man, the kind of guy you would like to have as a friend. It is all just a facade. At home he is cold and calculating, and practices his trade with precision. As far as I know, he has never been physical with his abuse. But it hurts every bit as much. His daughter is a pre-adolescent, and it does not take long to see that she has some deep-seated problems. Her father wields constant criticism her way- she's ugly, she's stupid, she can't do anything right. She told a confidant that she'd like to hang herself- words that must be taken as nothing but serious.
His wife is a gentle and smart lady, pretty, and it is not hard to see the pain in her eyes. She stays with him, I think, because of fear. Fear of her husband, for sure. But also fear that she cannot make it on her own. I know better and I encourage her to do better. But in the end the matter is her decision. Why doesn't she just give this guy a good, swift kick, and simply walk away? I think, when you have been beaten down for so long, with most every ounce of dignity methodically sqeezed away, then there is not much energy left. And when I look in her eyes, I fear for her. The fight seems to be going away, flickering, slowly being replaced with empty nothingness.
He screens her phone calls. He belittles and bullies her friends, to the point they mostly stay away. He hints at undefined violence should she ever leave him.
In my opinion he is a very, very small man- not really a man, but a punk. I could whip him. If I were her dad, or brother, then I would. But he hasn't threatened me. He simply tries to intimidate me on the phone, a pitiful and laughable display. He ridicules my church. He thinks my message of love and godliness is a message of weakness, worthy of contempt. This sad man has no hint that what I offer is probably the only hope for his marriage. I could teach him some things about the nature of evil, and love, and what being a real man is all about. Sadly, he is too stupid to listen.
A lawyer is needed, and it doesn't even need to be a very good lawyer. It would not take Perry Mason to discern what is going on in this relationship. This guy needs to fall, and fall hard. It might be his only chance at salvation. Most of all, she needs just a bit more strength. I think she can do it. I pray she can.
04.09.08 (11:10 pm) [
edit]
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
04.09.08 (8:24 pm)
Be careful Dave. Sounds like a scary dude. He probably loves his guns.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.09.08 (8:32 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
He is definitely unstable. He despises me because I have connected his family with a kind of life and people who are the exact opposite of himself. She is realizing she and her children are persons of value, worthy of respect, and so he senses his iron grip slipping away. What a foolish little man. If he would give me half a chance, I think I could point him in a direction of life that bring amazing transformation his way.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
04.09.08 (9:56 pm)
Kurt's right.
posted by:
Timm17 (
reply)
post date:
04.09.08 (11:35 pm)
Hey Pastor Dave: I had the good fortune to read your most recent blog about the "abuser" and I must say that it really shakes me up to know people like this still exist in our society.
I have known a number of men like this and as much as I would like to say there may be hope for these individuals, I personally feel they are beyond redemption. The "tormentors" of these victims see not their salvation in the Lord but more so in making their "targets of opportunity" suffer miserably and for as long as they can possibly make them! I do believe in forgiveness Pastor Dave, but how can the victim believe this when they are bloodied and beaten down not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
Timm17
posted by:
auntconi (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (12:27 am)
I will keep you in prayer as you deal with these people who are victims of this tormentor.
posted by:
mimi (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (3:41 am)
I would also like to remind you to use caution and to help this family find refuge for if and when she does decide to leave...other people that have suffered the same often can be helpful and give strength to another.
Prayers for you and this family.
xoxoxo
posted by:
bipolarexpress (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (4:56 am)
be careful...be safe....be strong...
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (7:13 am)
Reply to: kurtmaddox
I see potential in everybody. I look at this guy and his passion, and think that if such could be channeled into a healthy direction, he could make quite a difference in this world. But, he would need a Damascus Road experience.
You're right, his wife and family need the attention of my church. Tonight I'll meet with her. She has some Fundamentalist friends who are telling her to stay with the man, that divorce is a sin, and with her love and sacrifice and prayers she can change this guy. We will have a big talk about how such ignorant abetting of evil is very poor advice, and absolutely counter to the true heart of God.
I find it interesting how Fundamentalists see me as the enemy! Biblically, theologically, I am a lot closer to them than to the so-called liberals they seem most to oppose. However, even though we are in 80% agreement, they will ascribe me to Hell and my counselling advice to the trash can. In my opinion, this woman needs to stay away from such people- they seem quite willing to allow her to suffer abuse for the sake of a literal and selective interpretation of the scripture.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (7:17 am)
Reply to: Timm17
I've thought a good bit about this situation. What bothers me is that she continues to stay with him, and continues to subject her family to his abuse. It's a bad trade-off, nice home and material comfort in exchange for your soul. Where along the line does she bear responsibility? I believe she absolutely must find, somewhere deep within, the courage to do what must be done.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (7:18 am)
Reply to: auntconi
Thank you. Prayers are always most valued, most important.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (7:24 am)
Reply to: mimi
I've dealt before with situations of abuse. There are many resources available, although they are temporary in nature and most are only available at the moment of most dangerous crisis. Here is what seems to happen most often:
(1)She finally leaves
(2) He rants and raves, and uses whatever pressure and intimidation at his disposal.
(3) He has a change of heart. Begs her to come back, and promises to change.
(4) Often she does return. And, most often his change does not last. The abuse returns.
She makes a decision.
(5) Sometimes, she chooses to stay and simply "take it".
(6) Sometimes she is courageous, and embarks upon a new life.
We will see what will happen. With support and an infusion of strength, hopefully she will do what is right.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (7:26 am)
Reply to: bipolarexpress
I'm not very brave! Of course I'll be careful.
posted by:
IntricateGirl (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (9:02 am)
I wish her and her daughter the best. And I wish you the best of luck in helping her realize that she deserves better.
posted by:
bipolarexpress (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (9:26 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
you are to brave.. being a preacher in this messed up world today proves it..
posted by:
emerging (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (11:18 am)
Words of advice (that I've ignored) from well-meaning church members who weren't quite as discerning as you:
God hates divorce.
You should stay together for the kids.
He's a good provider, he goes to church every week, he comes from a good family, and he's never hit you - count yourself lucky.
You'd be surprised how difficult the decision to leave can be when you hear those things from seemingly rational and respectable people. Not only that, but the terrifying reality is that, if he can fool most people into thinking he's a "nice guy", then then you worry that he can likely fool a judge. In addition, he has the money to afford the good lawyer. Living through that is bad enough, but the thought of him ruining your life and reputation and taking your kids in the process is terrifying - paralyzingly so. If you stay, at least maybe you have a fighting chance of buffering his effect on the kids.
It's not a rational way to make decisions, but like you said, isolation prevents anyone from talking sense to her or counteracting his messages. I'm glad you're working with her. It's not enough to talk, though. Practical matters - like raising money for attorney fees, delegating someone to look into other available resources for her (scholarships for education, subsidized baby-sitting, legal advice), and presenting her with a plan that clearly illustrates viable options is also going to be necessary - especially if she doesn't have close friends or family to help her out. It took years for him to wear her down, so it's going to take some time to build her back up - but my God is bigger than any bully!
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (1:19 pm)
There are too many damn tales similar to this. I wish these cads could all be taught a lesson.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (2:23 pm)
Reply to: bawdy
You are right- far too many. There are lots of reasons for a man to be unhappy. When pared down to the root cause, almost every unhappy man has created his own unhappiness. It is stupid and evil of such a man to somehow blame his wife and kids. They did not make him that way. It's not their fault. The lesson such "cads" will be taught is to go into old age and to die all alone. Oh, along the way such a sad person will probably abuse several women and children, but he will die a lonely man. What a waste.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (2:40 pm)
Reply to: emerging
"...count yourself lucky..." - What an awful bit of advice!
I'm looking at an interesting piece of guidance from the scriptures. I Corinthians 7:13, "And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away." The context is that many of the relatively new Christians in Corinth have mates who are not followers of Christ. Paul encourages them to stay together, and pursue divorce only as a last resort. But it sounds to me like the wife sets some basic standards about the relationship- she has some fundamental expectations of her husband. What these may be is not listed, but I can imagine it would surely include a relationship of basic respect and kind treatment. Thus she lets it be know what she expects, and then he makes the choice- I agree, or I will not go along with this.
Well, this is still a work in progress on my part. Thanks for your insights.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (3:51 pm)
the cycle of an abuser is so insidious and damaging. i ran battered women's shelters for years and years. sigh.
other than what you are doing already, there is not a whole lot else for you to do.
ultimately, the woman has to decide to leave. and yes, she will most likely go back. the abuser holds all the strings. financial, emotional and social. the woman, facing expulsion from the only society she knows, is too scared. at least, with the status quo, she knows what/when to expect.
i am sure, knowing you, that you have apprised her of all of the necessary and relevant data. what you might NOT have done, is notified the school counselor about the child. since you are in the ministry, you can do that confidentially.
the child may come clean to the school counselor.
i would say to do this one, because, unfortunately, this type of abuser is also prone to be an incest perpetrator. and, it sounds to me like this is a possibility.
just my opinion PD. I will pray for this family.
posted by:
occlumency (
reply)
post date:
04.10.08 (4:02 pm)
mhhh i know that kind of guys, and girls, for that matter... it's hard and maybe his wife didn't realise what was going on until it was too late, i feel sorry for her =/
posted by:
almsthvn (
reply)
post date:
04.11.08 (6:01 pm)
I wish her well. It takes an immense amount of strength (and sometimes pure anger) to walk away from a monster like that.
She may be telling herself he's not hitting them, so it's ok, but let me assure you that the verbal abuse leaves deep scars... DEEP scars... that can take decades to eradicate.
Mom needs to get some money set aside in Mom's name only so she can have it if she needs it, and a lead for a job so she's not fully dependent on him and child support. There's ways to do it and I bet anything he's got thousands tucked away in his name only already.
Don't let her give up. If not for her sake, for her daughter. Daughters of abusive fathers often wind up wives to abusive husbands. They choose the kind of man they're used to seeing. or they wind up dead.
Don't let her give up.
posted by:
emerging (
reply)
post date:
04.13.08 (6:51 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
I've read that piece of scripture - as well as ones pertaining to living separate. It's one thing to be unequally yoked. It's a whole other thing (as in my case) to be married to someone claiming to be a lifelong Christian. Someone who can quote chapter and verse, but who never seemed to quite understand the meaning behind the words. I'll pray for this lady in distress.
