When Your Parachute Fails To Open...
I just finished reading
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht. Now I feel fully equipped to face almost any emergency that may come my way. And since I have an honest interest in the well-being of my friends and fellow bloggers, I offer the following words of brief guidance concerning a dilemma anyone could face.
Parachute Fails To OpenThe words of wisdom from our book is to quickly connect with someone with a working parachute. Entangle your arms into his harness, and be prepared to break both arms with the jolt of the opening parachute and at least a leg with the landing. Now that sounds like fun.
But, I wonder what you do if you have no fellow parachutist? There is no guidance. So, with a simple desire to help, I offer the following suggestions:
(1) Take off your jacket or shirt. Take off your underwear and tear into four equal strips, tying each to a corner of the jacket. This will improvise a makeshift mini-parachute. It will require considerable skill to coast to safety, but with a bit of luck and strong headwinds, you will make it. Upon landing be sure to cover lower extremities so you will not offend those you may encounter.
(2) You will be speeding at terminal velocity, about 120 mph. Once you break through the clouds, search the landscape for a dumpster. Preferably, it will be opened and filled with cardboard boxes or discarded foam. Now, here is a key: when you land in the dumpster, land upon your back. Your body will naturally bend upon impact, and if you land upon you stomach, the bend could break your back. Hopefully the contents of the dumpster will sufficiently soften your fall, and you should walk away smelly and bruised but otherwise alive.
(3) Seek a body of water. When you enter the water, do not dive, but rather land feet-first. Tightly close your buttocks to prevent water from entering, and cover other soft parts of the body. Try to avoid hitting rocks and large aquatic mammals. And be sure to take a deep breat immediately before entering the water. And when you swim to the surface, be careful of speeding boats.
So, you see, falling from a plane without a parachute can be a serious, but not insurmountable, dilemma. I wish you the very best. And, should you survive this worst-case-scenario, or you can offer other suggested means of survival, then please leave comment.
06.10.08 (10:25 pm) [
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posted by:
auntconi (
reply)
post date:
06.10.08 (8:46 pm)
aaahahahahahahaha ~~~ oops, pardon me for laughing!
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Umm ~ will you be present upon the landing to perform a respectable service of one's dead body?
:)
posted by:
barnabus1 (
reply)
post date:
06.10.08 (8:51 pm)
I always wondered about that German that an American plane shot into...he looked back, saw there was no way to avoind being shot down, so he bailed out....he went one way, his chute went another...wonder what he thought when he went to pull the rip chord....wonder if he found a soft landing....probably not!!!
posted by:
PirateGirl (
reply)
post date:
06.10.08 (10:33 pm)
Streaking through the sky - not just for jets and cosmic stardust anymore!
posted by:
Bonegnawer (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (2:48 am)
Alas i would in such situation try to avoid to land in water, its as "solid" by this speeds as ground but not so kindly when one passes out from the pain of broken bones. Google for "unplanned freefall" for more tongue-in-cheek tips. ;)
posted by:
squirrelzone (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (5:59 am)
I think one very important step was left out. Once you have tried to fashion a make shift parachute or after exhausting ones self of locating an ideal soft location to land be sure to firmly tuck your head between your legs and kiss you butt goodbye. Far to many times when we are faced with life altering experiences we forget to take a moment for ourselves and make a re-commitment to love thyself through the good times and the not so good times.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (6:36 am)
Reply to: squirrelzone
Likely you will have several minutes for contemplation and prayer before impact, unless you pass out or you are killed by collison with a bird. I'd say prayer would be a very good activity at this time. You know.... if the bird were large enough, say a really big eagle, emu or ostrich... you could grab hold and be towed to safety. Ah, yet another realistic possibility of escape.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (6:38 am)
Reply to: Bonegnawer
I remember a few free-falls while attempting to water ski. You are right, water can feel a bit like pavement at high speed. But.... if you can enter the water with a perfectly executed dive, then maybe it would work? No. I did not think so.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (6:40 am)
Reply to: PirateGirl
Streaking. Striptease. Whatever it takes to survive. I'm sure all the good Baptists, watching the tragedy develop, would close their eyes as the clothing would be removed, in respect for modesty.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (6:42 am)
Reply to: kurtmaddox
Just hit reset, and start over. I just may do a very big control-alternate-delete in the next few months...
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (6:43 am)
Reply to: barnabus1
I'm not familiar with that particular story. Seems I remember the story of a man who fell to earth without a parachute, and then walked away. Now, I'll google that one to see if it was simply a dream or an old episode of Outer Limits.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (6:44 am)
Reply to: auntconi
I'll perform the memorial, but I will not gather all the pieces.
posted by:
PirateGirl (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (6:51 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
but of course ;)
posted by:
squirrelzone (
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post date:
06.11.08 (6:58 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
So, if I understand correctly you are saying that we should live on a wing and a prayer.
Beautiful.
posted by:
auntconi (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (7:10 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
Deal!
posted by:
toztee (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (8:50 am)
Glad to know that imagination of yours still runs wild... I'm certain it keeps you young at heart. You are planning to take lessons on parachute jumping soon????
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (12:06 pm)
Ye of little faith...flap your arms, maybe you can fly!
posted by:
judypatooote (
reply)
post date:
06.11.08 (2:06 pm)
Wow, I'm going to copy that just incase I ever get to fly.....but what happens if my glasses fly off and I can't see the dumpster?????
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
06.12.08 (5:51 am)
Personally, I just go into my super-surrogate flying pose and glide calmly down. I land softly, feet first, while staring confidently into an unseen camera. I then place my hands, elbows cocked, on either side of my waste and stand there for a second waiting for the just the right gust of wind to ripple my cape a bit. After that I sign autographs for a while, then allow some adoring fan to buy me lunch before I start rescuing kitties from trees again... and...
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.13.08 (1:07 pm)
Reply to: surrogate
I'd buy your lunch. Of course, you'd have to pose for a picture with me. Maybe lift me over your head, take me for a flight, etc?
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.13.08 (1:09 pm)
Reply to: judypatooote
Judy, that is a good question. I'd say take your cue from the original Star Wars. Close your eyes, and trust the Force. The Force will guide you to the dumpster.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.13.08 (1:10 pm)
Reply to: toztee
Without imagination, life would be quite boring, don't you think? My life is seldom boring.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
06.13.08 (1:14 pm)
Reply to: userfriendly
Wow. Of course, since you live in Canada, I presume these to be "Canadian planes". Therefore the descent would be measured metrically. Thus, according to my reasoning skills honed in an U.S. public school, your fall would not be nearly so far. No wonder there is not harm. Try falling from a made-in-the-USA plane.
