Ask PastorDave: Sexually Active, Adult Children
If Dear Abby can do it, why not me?
So, every Thursday, I plan to answer a question or address an issue posed to me from the previous week. It may be a question from the Bible, a social or family issue, an obvious question from a kid or a mind-numbing query from a teenager. Heck- this is my column, so the matter may be entirely fabricated. And I will not swear upon my mother’s grave to keep this appointment every Thursday. By now most will know I am not very disciplined with this blog. Besides, my mom is still very much alive.
Here is the first question/issue, elaborated a bit for clarity:
The daughter is a young adult, now busy with a good job and working hard to establish her independence. Both parents would describe her as a good kid. She goes to church, connects with quality friends, and generally displays maturity is her interactions with life. This is a close family with healthy relationships.
For some reason, the boyfriend’s car was left at her parent’s house. As he walked by, the dad gazed into the front seat and saw a black bag from Victoria’s Secret. Now mom and dad are highly concerned. They do not like the young man, and now doubly so. Both are worried their daughter is sexually active and may become pregnant.
What should they do?
My Response:
Dad, let’s be honest. You had no business looking into that man’s car! You were being nosy. Right? Therefore, you do not have the moral right to confront him or your daughter about the matter.
I understand the concern. Those of us who seek to live our lives according to the Christian faith and the teachings of the Bible seek a standard of living very different from the world around us. This includes a different view of sexual ethics. Therefore we believe sexual relations to be a wonderful part of life properly and exclusively devoted to a marriage relationship. And I understand the world just does not understand! Our struggle, no matter if we are seasoned parents or emerging young adults, is to seek to be honoring of God and not be overly concerned about conforming to those around us.
Now, your daughter is working through this process. It is not easy, nor smooth. I am going to assume you have raised her as best you can. She is an adult and you must give her freedom and trust. If she chooses some different approaches to life, and even chooses to do some things you consider to be wrong, you have to allow her to be an adult in these matters. Surely you can pray for her, and love her. I advise that you not preach to her. Since she is already striving for independence and adulthood, a healthy and ongoing process, your sermons will not be appreciated.
Since you have a good relationship and ongoing opportunities for communication, there probably will come along appropriate opportunities to broach the subject of sexual ethics. I think our kids, no matter the age, will always need our insights. When that opportunity comes along, be honest. Don’t pretend to be a saint. And surely by now you have talked with her about “protection”. In this day, there is absolutely no reason for a bright and enlightened young person to become pregnant. Encouraging contraceptives is not offering support for premarital sex. Simply, it is being sensible. I could even make a case for it as being godly.
One more thought: Perhaps they sell some decent, sensible, not-too-provocative items at Victoria’s Secret? I’m thinking…. lotions, jewelry…. earrings! Maybe not- forget it.
Pray for her. Love her. Trust her. And, don’t forget the “protection” matter.
07.31.08 (10:13 am) [
edit]
posted by:
squirrelzone (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (7:24 am)
Excellent column and a great topic for your first run. I think you nailed it with your closing statement:
Pray for her. Love her. Trust her. And, don’t forget the “protection” matter.
posted by:
intricategirl (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (8:10 am)
You're correct. They do sell lotions and perfumes there, and if he gave the girl a gift of perfume from there, she would probably like it very much.
But even if it wasn't a gift of perfume, you're still correct. The girl is likely to be embarrassed by a talk at her age, but better to be embarrassed by that than to find herself in a difficult situation of pregnancy, STD, or just regrets.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (8:41 am)
Reply to: squirrelzone
Thanks. As our children transition into adulthood, parents have to evolve in their relationship. Nurturing is still important. But, friendship and trust become increasingly important. Some tend to hang on, far too long, with the insistance upon parental authority. When our children become adults, we can no longer order boss them around. However, if we have earned their love and respect, then we will continue to have a great influence upon them.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (8:42 am)
Reply to: intricategirl
Lotions and perfumes? Perhaps this dad should make a visit to Victoria's Secret? He might come out with a little black bag of stuff.
posted by:
intricategirl (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (8:45 am)
No, don't send dad. Send husband. Your wife will think you're really sweet.
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (8:51 am)
Reply to: intricategirl
I get so nervous in and around those kinds of stores. But, hey, I can always tell anyone that seems to be looking at me in a strange way that I'm simply there to buy perfume. Right!
posted by:
barnabus1 (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (9:01 am)
I like your new column...Since you've "been there....done that" I think you're in a great position to give some good and practical advise!!
posted by:
PastorDave (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (10:34 am)
Reply to: barnabus1
been there....done that - Well, I haven't done it all. Actually I've lived a rather conservative life, morally. Certainly not perfect. If I could list all of my sins, it would require more bytes of memory than available on t-blog. Same, I think, for all of us. I am very glad for the total forgiveness I find from God through Christ.
posted by:
OldSchool (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (10:34 am)
LOVE the new feature PD.
I also appreciate your response because it is both reasonable, practical and realistic. (Adjectives not always easily found in the Church, but very much welcomed)
The key ingredient to that situation is all of the development and effort you have put into that relationship since the child was young. All of that prepares the child to deal with the situation (though it is difficult to ever be mentally, physically and emotionally ready) and the groundwork is there for proper & honest communication.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to look at the situation in a bubble. There are so many factors that come into play. But if you have done your part up to this point, then I truly agree that you can "Pray for her. Love her. Trust her."
Great column. Look forward to more in the future!
posted by:
bawdy (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (11:09 am)
My gripe with the doctrines of the Catholic Church is that they refuse to budge on issues like contraceptives and premarital sex. They are so out of touch with reality.
posted by:
fractalmom (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (11:15 am)
good advice there PD :)
posted by:
toztee (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (3:18 pm)
Dave V S does sell decent things too! The 72 year old woman I work for received a birthday gift of pj's from her daugther. The pj's came from V S. They were very normal; button up shirt and long pants with flowers. She could even wear them out to retrieve the mail or greet you at the door.
posted by:
toztee (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (3:19 pm)
by flowers I mean a floral print
posted by:
LadyG (
reply)
post date:
07.31.08 (6:45 pm)
I really like your new column PD, you answered one of my questions, do you talk to them about contraceptives? Good answers.
posted by:
surrogate (
reply)
post date:
08.04.08 (3:24 pm)
Interesting.
posted by:
Kurt's Sis (
reply)
post date:
08.21.08 (11:22 am)
OK PD you invited me here and I must comment on this. I can't figure out how the jump was made from seeing a Victoria's Secret bag in the boyfriend's front seat to some steamy corrupt sexual actitivies between their daughter and the boyfriend??? Maybe he needed a bag for some dirty clothes and that was the first one he came across, maybe his mother or sister had purchased something from there and they had the bag in the house. Maybe he bought some perfume (as you suggested yes they sale perfume and lotions, etc.) Lastly, Victoria's Secret sales normal, every day, run of the mill bras, panties and PJ's. We aren't talking about Fredericks of Hollywood here PD. Many of my friends and family and co-workers shop at Victoria's Secret for their normal everday bras and panties. My 13-year old niece has some jogging pants from there and I think a sweat shirt.
It's very possible that the daughter had made a purchase from VS herself and she left the bag in his car or perhaps she decided to buy her mother a nice bra and/or panties for a special occassion.
I'm trying to figure out how a bag in a car from Victoria's Secret means that the daughter is engaging in premartial sex?
I'm of the thought that if the father did indeed jump to that conclusion from a simple bag in the car that maybe he assumes too much??
